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Everything posted by ohjustchillin

  1. My mom was recently diagnosed with a mild form of bipolar disorder (she's been treated for depression for a while though) and now we think my sister might be bipolar 2 or something cause she had a manic episode from taking antidepressants. It's funny that I'm the youngest of the three of us and I'm the first diagnosed. Though I've got a more severe case and it started really early (middle school) so it was more noticeable.
  2. Just a few: - bought a brand new iPad and then quit my job without another lined up - just spending all my money in general on new projects that I drop later on - ran away to live with my boyfriend for 7 months when my parents told me I couldn't be with him - came out to almost my entire family on impulse over text messages - lots of irrational behavior out of paranoia and delusions - a looot of weird shit during a time when I actually believed I was a vampire with magical abilities - tried to magically control the weather and believed I was special and magical - just a lot of weird shit from psychosis - also I've quit and then restarted college three times
  3. If you haven't already, you should get your thyroid levels tested.
  4. Yikes I guess I'm not very complient with my meds. I took them too much for a bit, then I skipped days like crazy until I was taking 200-300mgs of lamictal every three days, sometimes longer. Not great. Eventually I just stopped taking them. Months later and I've got a still completely full bottle of lamictal I was supposed to start a couple weeks ago. Oops.
  5. That's kind of what my pdoc said to me too. I finally opened up more and went more in detail about my past delusions and she just told me that psychosis is a form of anxiety and basically that it's all anxiety. She did start me on abilify, though (but that didn't work out and I'm supposed to start on lamictal for the second time). But like I have anxiety too, and I can tell the difference between anxious thoughts like "no one likes me" and delusions like "there are monsters living inside my mirror and they're gonna kill me".
  6. Still haven't started the prescription I got over a week ago. Keep finding reasons not to.
  7. If I told them it was because of classes (the easiest explanation because they already think I'm in classes) I'd have to give them a specific schedule and I'd have to cross off 4 full days, all weekday. I'd end up working all weekend every weekend. I can't do that. I could say I'm doing online classes and that I can just work 3 days any days? I don't know. They know I WAS going to school for sign language interpreting (couldn't handle it all right now, dropped out without telling them), and you can't really do that anywhere online. Art either, really. Could I say health reasons and then tell them I don't really want to be more specific than that? They know I have an autoimmune disease, but it's not really something most people take off for, so I don't think they'd assume it's because of that.
  8. One of my longest lasting and most intense delusions was that inanimate objects are alive and will hurt/kill me if I treat them badly, or don't appreciate them and treat them all equally. While it's gone away for the most part (coming on stronger as my symptoms get worse at the moment, though) even when I was pretty stable, I would always find myself apologizing to chairs and cars and stuffed animals etc if I was ever "rude" to them.
  9. I work part time right now, about 28-30 hours a week. Usually 4 sometimes 5 days a week. It's been a lot more stressful then I originally anticipated, and I already had to completely quit classes at least for a couple semesters. I don't know how to tell my bosses that I need to cut back to 3 days a week. Like my availability is probably still going to be pretty much completely open, because I don't have classes, so they're definitely going to ask for a reason. I don't know if I should tell them I'm bipolar and all. Even just saying for medical reasons, they'll definitely ask me for specifics, even if they're not supposed to. Any ideas? I'm completely at a loss. I can't keep working here this much, it's taking its toll.
  10. I can't seem to make it through any of the college classes I've tried. I've started and quit community college twice now.
  11. Read some of my old journal entries from 4-7 years ago, completely before being diagnosed and meds and doctors etc. I'd forgotten just how bad it was. I was actually having hallucinations that I completely forgot about (I have a terrible memory) and more delusions then I remember too. It's actually kind of nice to see, since I've been obsessing over the idea that I've exaggerated my symptoms and that I'm not actually bipolar or psychotic etc. yikes. Maybe I shouldn't keep postponing starting up on my meds again. I don't know. We'll see. Like seriously looking back how did I make it through high school? My symptoms started at 13 and got much worse as time went on and I didn't get help until I was 17.
  12. I'm obsessing over the idea that I'm not actually bipolar and that it's just the autoimmune thyroid causing the mood issues and psychosis. Even though I started having bipolar symptoms at age 13 and didn't test low for my thyroid or start having hypothyroid symptoms until I was 19 and 20. I don't want it to all be the thyroid, honestly. It's like some identity crisis. I've been mentally ill for what seems like forever. Another much more unhealthy reason I don't want this is because (as bad as this sounds) I want my symptoms to get worse. I want to just give in to the bipolar disorder and let the psychosis consume me. I don't want insight. I don't want relief. I don't know why. I almost want to let it all go just to see how bad it gets and to assure myself that, yes, I do have bipolar disorder and no I wasn't blowing all my symptoms out of proportion. Even if it means being unable to stand being alive and being terrified for months. I don't know. I feel like I'm losing it. Maybe this anxiety and obsessive need to research these two diseases and understand everything about myself is a symptom of this mixed episode. Ugh.
  13. I don't want to start taking meds again. I at least want to wait until this episode plays out. I can't tell if it's manic or mixed. I'm betting on mixed but with short periods of depressed and then manic, it'll probably get more mixed as it goes on. And I'm only having slight periods of paranoia and delusional thinking so far. And I think I may have actually hallucinated a bit visually, but who knows. All I know is I finally feel more like myself unmediated than I have in years on lamictal. I will call and make an appointment with a therapist tomorrow though. I've never done therapy really.
  14. Sorry for how much I'm posting, but I've got a question. Does anyone else have self injury and dangerous behavior when manic? Not mixed, just manic alone? Cause I feel like I want to just jump off a fucking building just to feel it, and I just want to hurt myself cause I feel like what the hell I'm invincible. I feel like I'm hypomanic bordering/soon to become manic. I don't know. I guess I'll just wait for the psychosis, hopefully its nice delusions this time. Honestly I just want to feel everything possible. If what I have to feel is craziness and terrifying deep paranoia and fear and nonstop movement and thoughts then bring it fucking on I just wanna do this
  15. I grew up religious, and I still believe in God. But for the last few months I've been so anxious that God's going to punish me for any negative thoughts or thoughts about hurting myself or anything like that, which is pretty much impossible to prevent because I'm sick. I know it's now my fault, but I always feel like he's going to punish me by making me physically sick (I have an autoimmune disease and part of that is feeling nauseous a lot of the time, and getting sick is one of my biggest anxieties lately). I know this is ridiculous because that's not really how it all works, but I always feel pressured to pray multiple times a day specific word for word prayers asking to not be sick. And I pray a really long, word for word prayer every night or else I feel like something terrible will happen. Goes along with my paranoia. I sleep with a light on and the mirror covered for gods sake and I'm 20 years old. Pretty sure I've been in a mixed episode for a long time, then had a slightly stable period for about a week and a half, then mixed again starting with primarily depressed, and now agitated. Must've been a short upswing today, which was nice. But I'm having more bad thoughts again.
  16. I'm just glad I don't feel like killing myself anymore. Fingers crossed this doesn't turn into a nasty mixed episode. Those are the worst.
  17. Yes exactly. We've all be "trained" to behave in public and such, so it doesn't really come easily to drop your whole exterior and just talk openly and not smile and say hello how are you I'm great. Ultrarapid cycling sucks balls but I'm gonna enjoy this upswing however short it is.
  18. Problem sort of solved for now? Very suddenly switched to manic late last night. Was up till 5am and woke up full of energy. Was slightly mixed last night I see now, I was definitely switching. I'm not sure if I have ultra rapid cycling or just mixed episodes that come in the form of a few days strictly depressed, a day or so of mixed, then a few days strictly manic. Though I actually self harm more often when manic or mixed tbh. I feel so full of energy that I just start punching myself or scratching myself whatever I can do immediately. When mixed its specifically to hurt myself and feel badly about myself but when manic I almost do it happily like I'm just so excited I have to get the energy out and am more than happy to feel pain. Jeez that sounds nuts.
  19. It's like the pressure to keep appearing relatively normal is keeping me from admitting I need to slow down even more than I already have. I'm getting to the point where I want to quit my job and find something new again. I do this multiple times a year. I'm just so tired of everything. I just had a very rare stable period for about a week or two completely med free, so naturally that had to come to an abrupt and drastic end. I haven't been feeling depressed or mixed long enough yet this time for me to consider doing anything permanently dangerous. I'll probably self harm, but that's life. This'll pass and hopefully the meds will kick in. Though I'm pretty sure I'm becoming manic or at least mixed, cause it's 5am and I haven't slept at all and my entire body is like humming with energy, and I just typed this whole pos with no point or single coherent thought yikes. Better than depressed I hope! Here's hoping the psychosis doesn't get worse. Maybe I can use this energy to finally get around to selling my art online. Just got paid too, so that helps.
  20. I had a doctors appointment today and I'm starting back up on lamictal. Also I just cant bring myself to tell my doctor or anyone that I'm feeling suicidal. I don't think I'm going to do anything dangerous, and I don't want to get sent IP or anything.
  21. Can't stop thinking about dying and hurting myself. Still haven't done anything about it, but its constantly in my mind. I could barely drive today I'm so unfocused and laggy, and I broke down crying at work which was embarrassing.
  22. From the little I watched, hers seems extreme in the sense that she turned into a genius, which is ridiculous.
  23. This is actually one of the instances I'm thinking of. Bothered the hell out of me. And why is psychosis never shown as part of bipolar disorder anywhere?
  24. Anyone else kind of annoyed at how bp is usually portrayed in tv? It's always a mania that's just the person being extremely happy and brilliant and super successful and then a depression where they just don't get out of bed at all and there are like zero consequences. Like I don't know about you all, but I'm usually either agitated and angry or depressed and angry. Basically I'm always angry, with barely any brilliance or happiness.
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