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hollywoodfreaks

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About hollywoodfreaks

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  1. My bipolar friend says "you just know" when you need to go, but I'm not so sure. The only time I actually *wanted* to check myself in was when I was hypomanic (it was not a happy hypomania), but I was talked out of it. I'm either actively suicidal or "just" extremely depressed nearly all the time. My husband is cutting out of work early because he's so worried about me; my mom checks in on me many times a day. Lately when I get suicidal I think about how I want to end it, and I want to use the most lethal method possible (I'm sure you all know what that is). My apartment is a pit. I can't even get myself to scoop the cats' litter box (poor cats!)--I feel like an awful pet owner. I just see myself spiraling further and further with no end in sight, unless I magically find a med combo that actually fucking works for once. I'm sick of feeling this pain all the time. So I guess my question is, once I get to that place again where I'm researching suicide methods, should I consider the hospital? I already have tdoc and pdoc appointments lined up but I wouldn't be surprised if I got to that point before my next appointment. Alternatively, I could call a crisis line, but for some reason I'm resisting that route, maybe because I feel embarrassed about talking to a stranger who is not a medical professional? Any words of wisdom or advice appreciated.
  2. Hi all, I'm honestly somewhat reluctant to post here, but I need to commiserate with people in a similar situation. Why am I reluctant to post? I have unintentionally offended certain people with my posts in the past. The truth is that I am in a situation where my husband has no trouble supporting me financially and doesn't mind supporting me either, which some people apparently find extremely offensive when I dare to mention it. That doesn't mean that I don't struggle like everyone else with this illness. I want to work, and have recently become a Licensed Veterinary Technician in my state. I have been looking for a job for a month, but (I suspect) due to my spotty/absent job history it isn't easy, even though vet tech positions are supposed to grow by 30% in the next ten years. I'm debating about how long I should give myself before I give up and try to figure out what the fuck I am going to do with my life next (can you tell that depression is a WAY bigger problem for me than hypomania?) I am having no problem getting interviews, but they don't lead anywhere. I finally started seeing a new therapist recently after an experience with a dumbass who told me "depression isn't a real illness" and that I could think my way out of it. She is trying a CBT approach and I really hope it helps. I don't have any coping skills. The only thing I know to do is self-medicate with pot and alcohol. I'm 35 years old and it feels like this is my last chance to get a job. I struggle with questions like "What the fuck is the point of continuing with this?" every single day. Anyway, not really sure what the point of this post is besides to rant and see if anyone can relate in any way. Thanks for letting me speak my mind.
  3. Where are you getting those statistics? They don't seem right to me at all. As far as waiting too long before starting meds leading to more chronic illness, speak for yourself. I started meds when I was 17. I really don't think it would have made anything better if I'd started when I was 15. Please don't make generalizations like that. Okay, why don't you tell me what the correct statistics are then, since you seem to know better than me? The statements I've given were based on things I've read several times before. I'm not a fucking doctor, nor am I one of those CBers that read medical journals, so I guess I should just STFU if I don't want to get my ass jumped on. And, as I've explained before, I wasn't trying to speak on behalf of anyone here...
  4. She's not talking about being fat, though. She's worried about gaining a few pounds from her baseline. 5'6" and 118 pounds is borderline underweight.
  5. This is going to be an unpopular opinion, but keltakorn, I just read your post and jesus...talk about jumping down someone's throat. This is why I never post anything here that might be the slightest bit controversial. I don't think you need to be so apologetic, although I agree that using the words "whore" and "tard" is not cool.
  6. VE--Sorry I can't quote, I'm on my phone. Well, as I've said before, I don't know for sure if I have ADD although it seems like there is a good chance I do. Any reluctance to try a higher dose of Ritalin is my own--I'm just a little concerned that possible side effects might be amplified a higher dose, like feeling stoned or lightheaded or nervous maybe. But you're right, it's a teeny dose and I'd be surprised if I can't handle a higher dose b/c I think I might be a fast metabolizer. I've never had any problems taking the max dose of meds, and as far as ADs go I usually require it. I sometimes get really tired about an hour after taking a Ritalin dose--I wonder if it's a crash? That would be nuts if I was crashing off Ritalin an hour after my dose. saveyoursanity--That's really what matters in the end, right? That our symptoms are under reasonable control regardless of whatever our exact diagnosis might be.
  7. Well, it's been a month on Ritalin 5mg 2x daily, and I think it is helping a bit. On the plus side, my tolerance for doing boring stuff/doing stuff I don't feel like doing is up a bit, I'm a bit more motivated to do productive things, I fidget less, and am not as easily distracted. On the con side--Well, the first thing is that after taking Lamictal for probably about 4 years, I've gone from 200mg Lamictal to 0 over a month (tonight is my last dose of 1/4 of a 150mg pill), so I don't know if what I'm experiencing has to do with Lamictal withdrawal or is related to Ritalin side effects or neither. The bad: In purely emotional terms I've started feeling more depressed, I still haven't gotten my shit together enough to get places on time, I'm still procrastinating too much, at random times I feel stoned (or dizzy or lightheaded), I'm zoning out on the internet (hyperfocusing maybe?) worse than I did before, and I feel a bit nervous at times. The increasing feelings of depression are making me wonder if maybe it is a mistake to stop the Lamictal. (I felt no different for the first week, when I dropped from 200mg to 100mg, but started feeling it when I dropped down to 75mg the following week.) I'm also not sure if it's a good idea to increase the Ritalin, but I also really feel like I want to try it and see if I get any additional benefit from it. Does anyone have any thoughts? They would be much appreciated as I have a pdoc appointment in about 16 hours.
  8. Good luck! I might use lith as an adjunct for my MDD at some point in the future. Right now I'm trying stims.
  9. You say you feel attraction to people...do you ever masturbate? If not, that might be a good place to start. If you don't feel comfortable getting yourself off I can't see you becoming comfortable with sex with your H. Have you ever felt attracted to him physically? Was there ever a time that you enjoyed sex with him? Sorry to bombard you with questions.
  10. If I'm feeling shitty I just say "I'm...okay" while shrugging my shoulders or something similar. It's a polite way of saying "I feel like crap, so shut up about it."
  11. Awesome side effects! I'm sure my husband would appreciate me taking a med with the side effect of him getting more sex, haha. I'm kind of skeptical about the whole Ritalin thing. Why take something that only lasts a few hours? I assume my doc started me on this particular med because it is dirt cheap, but it doesn't seem like the best adjunct med for depression, which is sort of how we're treating it since it's uncertain as to whether I actually have ADD or not. I guess it's worth a shot at least... Speaking of being late, I feel like a piece of crap because when I was at my volunteer job today someone was looking at the calendar for Friday and saw that I was the only person that would be on the second shift. She was like "Well, we'll have hollywoodfreaks here...IF she can get here at a reasonable hour." She didn't realize I was standing right there! I called her on it (as nicely as possible) a little later and she started crying, which made me feel bad because she has been out sick a lot lately with fibromyalgia. I mean, it's hard because her criticism is valid...I am late a lot for no good reason, and a good deal of the time it is really late (30 minutes to an hour). Still, don't tell me repeatedly to my face that it's not a big deal if I'm late and then talk smack behind my back when I do show up late. But I just feel like Jesus Christ, I'm fucking 31 years old and I can't even get to places on time. It makes me feel like a loser, which then of course feeds into my depression.
  12. --Make appointments with my gyno and regular doc for checkups. Haven't been to the gyno for at least 3 years. --Make appointment with dentist. Been putting this off partially because I stopped flossing and I know that they will know by the condition of my teeth. Ridiculous, I know. --Start flossing again. --Cancel my NYT subscription. I never read it so that's 30 dollars down the drain, month after month. --Same with my land line. I never use that either so it's wasted money. --Take my cat to get her teeth cleaned. Vet said four months ago that she needs it. --Put out a water bowl for my cats. They eat 100% wet food and I've never seen them drink water when I have a bowl out but I should still put some out to be on the safe side. --Play with my cats so they don't get bored. --Don't let the house get to total shit before I finally start cleaning it. It is unpleasant to be surrounded by clutter and dirt all the time. Plus it bothers hubby more than it bothers me. --Go to yoga three times a week. Seriously, shouldn't be that hard, it's not like I have a super-packed schedule or anything. --Do my fair share of the chores. Really embarrassing to admit, but hubby usually does all of the cooking and a lot of the cleaning, even though he has a full-time job and I just volunteer a couple of days a week. --Finish unpacking the boxes that are still unpacked from when we moved into our apartment a year ago. I wish I were kidding. --Finally get a goddamn haircut. It's been 10 months! ...yeah. This list could probably go on forever but I'll stop here for now. Think I'll refer to this post to remind myself how much I have to do. Ugh.
  13. It doesn't sound like your doctors are taking you seriously enough. You gave your cat a pill that could have seriously hurt or even killed him/her, and your doctor is worried about overmedicating you? If your illness is so bad right now that you are becoming a danger to others, your doctor should be extremely concerned and treating you aggressively. I agree that going inpatient sounds like a good idea. This is not something to trifle with.
  14. I think that everyone thinks they've been depressed because "feeling depressed" is a common expression used in place of "having the blues", "feeling down", etc. That makes it hard for some people to see depression as an illness because they have no conception of what clinical depression is, but they've "felt depressed" before, right? So they see depression as this minor thing that can be easily shaken off. That's my speculation anyway.
  15. I think it would be the opposite for me. Now that I'm in my 30s, my metabolism seems to be slowing down and I can no longer just eat anything, not exercise, AND stay as thin as I'd like. But I really don't want to restrict my eating unless I absolutely have to (like if a doctor ordered me to). So now I just need to get myself to exercise on a regular basis...it's so hard to get started but it becomes so much easier to do once you've done it regularly for a little while.
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