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dark angel24

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About dark angel24

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    New Jersey
  • Interests
    reading, crocheting and watching Supernatural :-)

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  1. I have been diagnosed a long time ago with BPD, but recently I have noticed that one minute I will be fine, then next having suicidal idealizations and then mad or sad. It's enough to drive anyone crazy, I was on Respirdal but that was for auditory hallucinations. I'm wondering does anyone else go through this and if so how the hell do I deal with it. I'm already one a mood stabilizer and I just don't know anymore.
  2. I promised my kids and hubby I would do my best not to self harm, it worked for awhile and then I got triggered really bad and relapsed, per usual. So instead I found an alternate route, I had this tattoo put where I usually self harm. Putting that there I know I wont want to mess it up by self harming, I have only self harmed on my thighs once, so that's easy not to do and I plan on getting another tattoo on my other arm for the same reason. I'm really hoping that this will work. Scroll down to see the entire tattoo.
  3. Im still trying to hang in there. TY everyone for your kind words. We just rescued her off the streets a year ago so thinking your helping only to find out you cant is the worst. The vet that is coming to our home to euthanize her said at least shes not dying on the streets and she at least had a good year with you and I know shes right but you know how your heart feels too. I love her so much it physically hurts, shes the sweetest, toughest kitty I have ever met. Soon she will be with Frosty (RIP) my last cat of 20 years.
  4. I just made the appt to have her euthanized and now all I want to do is cry and SI. I feel myself spiraling downward into the darkness.
  5. and now I just feel like giving in to death. I hate feeling like this, I hate fighting the urges to cut,etc. I hate the voices in my head telling me "I'm worthless, just do it, no one will care" how many times do you have to hear this and NOT believe it? If I self injure my husband yells at me, I feel like I have no other choice. I just need to wait till I have enough stuff to do it. I'm tired of fighting an endless struggle. WHY NOT GIVE UP??
  6. Because people don't understand, they are ignorant to our struggles. I feel ya, I wear either long shorts or long sleeves in the summer cause I don't want people to see, they think we are attention whores. If we wanted attention we wouldn't hide it. It's plain ignorance.
  7. I'm right there with you. Im married but my husband doesn't understand my self harm and yells at me making me feel even more ashamed about it. My friends don't understand, like you said therapy is nice but who wants someone who is paid to listen? We want people to try to understand. I feel alone a lot of the time, I put on the "happy" face and inside I'm slowly dying. Message me if you want to talk.
  8. thanks and I'm sorry wasn't really thinking last night. I got some sleep but still want to self harm. Its just so hard to resist the urges. I know eventually I will give in but I'm trying to hang on as long as possible.
  9. Hi everyone my names Kym I am a 44 yr old mom of 4 kids, 4 cats and a baby hedgehog named sonja. I used to be a vet tech before Bipolar Disorder, along with others took that away, hence all the animals. I also have BPD, Anxiety, PTSD and it sucks,there's been many times that people have had to talk me off the ledge, so to speak. Right now I am doing online college classes, I want to be a counselor for teens with mental health issues. I had gone off my meds more times than I can count and it always ends up disastrous,now I am med compliant and see a therapist regularly. Since I was 30 (when my bipolar really manifested itself even though I was DX in my 20's) I have had 4 attempted OD's,it ruined my marriage,my life.l I lost everything my kids , my home. I'm just starting to get my life back together with an awesome guy (my second husband), he supports me and makes sure I take my meds. I came on here not only looking for support but to support others, cause lord only knows I know where they have been. Hope to talk to some of you soon.
  10. Ive been dealing with this for over 30 years and I'm just so tired of it all. The pushing people away, the self harm, the eating disorders, the fact that I can't even look at myself in the mirror cause I see failure. I don't like my picture taken, its not that I don't have support but I'm always thinking there just trying to be nice or they have to feel that way because they love me, I can't take a compliment. I feel like a mistake, a nobody.
  11. I lost my marriage because exactly this. I let people get only so close then the almighty wall comes up or I just blatantly push them away. It sucks and something In try to deal with but its not easy.
  12. Im 44 and having been self harming since I was 14. Im going through a really tough time right now I feel like crap, I want/don't want to cut. I want to [edited to remove specific method]. I so sick and tired of feeling like this. I'm nobody, just a big mistake, I have nor will I ever make a mark on this world. Yes I know my "family" will be upset, because it looks good for them but I know secretly be happy/relieved. The thoughts just keep pushing at me to kill myself and get it over with. I want to, I want this over. I'm tired of fighting a losing battle ever step I get forward I'm dragged 4 back.
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