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Anodyne Oblivion

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  1. This. I wish I lived far away from people. But I'm enjoying not having to turn on the furnace at least
  2. I cannot take medications that affect serotonin for any extended period of time. I can handle an Imitrex, but I still get unpleasant side effects. It's just that they go away sooner and also don't result in me being locked in the loony bin for four or five days. Long (but probably familiar) story.... Thanks, Effexor..... >:\ So anyway, like the title says, are there any modern antidepressants which are not of the SNRI or SSRI class? I know Wellbutrin's an NDRI but I'm not aware of any others like that. I've been taking Wellbutrin for a VERY long time. I've taken as much as 450mg/day. I think it makes my baseline slightly less depressed, but as soon as any crappy and stressful life circumstances that would bum out a normal person come swinging my way, I'm pummeled. I've never been *not* depressed for longer than a few days. I don't like my life. I've tried so many medications. My Effexor experience not only damaged my eye, got me fired, and got me locked in a mental ward, it also made me terrified to ever try a new antidepressant again. All those years I suffered.....and it was because doctors were giving me SSRIs and SNRIs. They didn't monitor me. I was losing my mind for years and they didn't even notice. And then the mood stabilizers... they put me on them, then never ever once do my goddamned bloodwork. I was on Lithium and got an intensely horrible full-body burning itching. No one checked my lithium blood levels. I threw them away. One doctor tried to repeatedly get me to take a medication that gave me a rash that indicates this person should NEVER EVER EVER TAKE THIS PILL AGAIN according to all of the medical literature. But her? She tried to give me 3 things that could have killed me. The warning was written on the front of my fucking case file. And she tried to prescribe them anyway. More than once. Sorry. Went off on a bit of a tangent there. I'm pissed off. My antidepressants don't exactly work. Are there any promising new antidepressants out there? (ECT is not an option for me)
  3. The thing that troubles me about this, madmax15, is that Jesus preached to separate yourself from your belongings. All these things tie you to earth and are a distraction from piety. That the preacher is baiting congregants with promises of wealth is VERY troubling to me. It's like saying "If you donate your car to me, all of your credit card debt will disappear. I donated my car and now I have no debt!" The two statements do not follow. Your prosperity has nothing to do with your tithing. By the logic of the New Testament, if it WAS rewarded with prosperity, then it would be your responsibility to tithe 10% of that money and give the rest away to the homeless, less fortunate, etc. The pastor claims to have given away his entire savings to the church. That's nice and all....but it's his church. He just gave money to himself technically. I don't have the full context, because I wasn't there to hear his sermon, but this guy sounds very manipulative to me. If I were a member of this church, I would quickly find a different congregation to join. I think it's very, very, very likely he never even came remotely close to giving away his savings. Edit: I don't go to church anymore, but church should be a place of joyous worship and curated life advice. A place of fellowship and growth. You celebrate births and marriages together, you mourn the loss of congregants together. You're like a team. And the pastor isn't the leader of the team. He isn't the boss. He's the person who has the best ability to clearly express Gods will. And he knows that if it's not in the bible, it isn't God's will. Because he is also a good orator and a good listener, he is the natural choice for the congregation to choose as their pastor (or another esteemed person within church hierarchy). (quick edit:)He also likely has some sort of higher education in theology where they explore the original texts, changes, historical context, historical relevance, the cult of Paul, etc. Edit 2: The more I think about this the more it irritates me. Who is this man to manipulate you into handing over money? Why is he trying to bait you with "if you tithe you'll get a promotion or some other awesome thing!"? That's a bunch of crap, if you'll pardon my crassness. You know why you need to tithe? Because the bible says so. End of story. Make sure you're tithing to a church worthy of that money.
  4. I took Xanax and it made me sleepy without decreasing my anxiety. So we tried Ativan. After 4 days I was ready to kill myself in a VERY out of character manner. Luckily I recognized that it was due to the Ativan and sent the bottle to the box with all the other poisons I've tried that failed. Next, I tried taking a longer-acting one (Klonopin) and even that one has me fucked up the next day, albeit less-so. It's *almost* a solution in dire situations. Almost. But not. If I wasn't so fucking anxious I'd be less depressed. Or so I thought. Turns out the only energy I have is nervous energy, and when you take away my nervous energy I become a lump of human waste. Suicide starts to seem rational, not like a kneejerk reaction bourne of panic. I NEED anxiolytics to keep my job. I don't need them often, but they are very, very, very necessary when I do. Is there anything else anyone has had success with? Atarax does nothing but make me dangerously sleepy (it doesn't even help my allergies, which is its on-label use!...wtf) and Buspar gives me very bad headaches. Of course, marijuana helps, but we don't have licensing in my state yet and I don't count this as a solution because it's always a crapshoot when you get some. You don't know the potency, the ratios, the strain, etc. It is not a viable anxiety treatment at this point and I certainly cannot be taking that at work! Not until we get some dispensaries with very low THC strains. I mean, that's assuming we haven't started WWIII by then though.... Thanks.
  5. Staring blankly through you

  6. Thanks CrazyRedhead. I am not an impulsive person, just fed up. Talking about it is helpful. Being in a hospital is the complete opposite of helpful for me, considering 75% of the reason I'm livid is because of the medical establishment. I'd also lose my job. Which would put me in a place where I might actually need to check myself in. But now? I'm just angry and resentful at life and doctors. I'm sick of being given a side-eye. I'm sick of not being taken seriously. I've seen every single profession they've told me to be seen by. And no one knows anything. I mean, technically, I've almost died twice thanks to medical fuckups. They're not there to help me. (God bless the Nurses, who keep the doctors from killing us, seriously) Kind of like when you have a mother-in-law you can't stand, and you occasionally think 'Wouldn't it be nice if she just....died. Like, now.' But you're not going to actually kill her. It's just cathartic to imagine taking a bat to her face. I want to figuratively cave in my skull with a bat. But not literally. I talked to my mom earlier today. She knows I'm not doing so great. If anything gets worse I'll have her take me to my therapist. But I'm....whatever...I'm here. I care about people in my life too much to do that to them. The last thing I want to do is introduce the agony I've felt my whole life into a heart that's never known such sorrow. It wouldn't be fair of me to take myself out. It would only create more hurt in the world. Edit: By "I guess we're done here", I meant done having any ounce of hope left that going to doctors has any point. I give up. I'm done with them. It's only fair. They gave up on me the second they saw I was fat, young, and female. Obviously I'm just a fucking junkie looking to score. Even though I refuse opiods. Because that's not what you fucking prescribe people with chronic pain. But nope. Just a junkie whore. That's me! I've already wasted decades for nothing. Why bother.
  7. I feel like my stomach is full of glass shards. Eating temporarily dulls the pain and then subsequently increases it. I can't win. I either eat all the time or never. I want to throw up so badly right now. It hurts so much.
  8. 25 years of doctors tests to figure out why I'm in constant pain, and the results always say I'm totally fine. Everything's in my head. Maybe they'll have an easier time finding what's wrong if I take the contents of my head and paint the wall with them. Disclaimer: I don't own a gun, nor do any of my friends. Clearly, this dream of mine cannot become a reality. I have metric tons of suffocating rage in my body and I can't even do anything with it. I've been binge eating for 3 days and deserve to die. I don't know why I"m posting this. I'll probably delete it. I don't even know why I'm here; I'm clearly beyond help. Nothing has changed in 8 years. I'm still incapable of paying attention to anything for longer than 5 minutes, wholly incapable of focusing on anything that's not interesting to me, incapable of functioning like all the other humans I'm in competition with. I'm a fucking loser by birth. The devil lives in me and I don't even believe in Christianity. All I want to do is clone myself and make the clone take a baseball bat to my head. Everyone wins. I'm dead, and everyone who has concern for me can keep living in their tiny deluded bubble where it appears I'm still alive. I've been in therapy since 2007. Every avenue I try to explore that the therapist agrees would be a good idea is subsequently shoved under the rug. Nobody gives a fuck. Nobody follows through. Nobody gives a fuck about helping me. They just collect their checks and a headful of terrible stories relayed by their whining patients like me. Every drug I try turns me into a fucking lunatic. I have ONE antidepressant left that I can take and it doesn't work all that great, obviously. I've taken 3x the dose and been equally miserable. I'm supposed to be working right now. I'm a thief too. My greatest regret is that they resuscitated me immediately after I was born dead. I was fucking born dead. I AM SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD.
  9. I have poor short-term memory and abominable working memory. Visual memory, on the other hand? Above average. That being said, I likely have mild frontal lobe damage from an accident in kindergarten.
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