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Mindful Momma

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About Mindful Momma

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    You can't run forever...

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  1. I'm going to go ahead and start off by saying that if this makes little or no sense or jumps around a lot it's because I'm trying to do this with my laptop on my lap, 2 kids fighting for space on the couch, complaining over a toy that I won't let them play with and being ridiculously cranky because they got up at 2am. So yeah, I'm scatter brained a bit right now. Thanks for the tips guys. I don't remember if I used the word "triggered" or not I just remember calling her shortly after I had gotten home since it didn't hit me until I got in my car to drive home. I told her I thought it was something better said over the phone then through an impersonal e-mail. I think it was "bothered me" or I could have said "triggered" anyhow I asked that her that if something is unintentionally triggering is mentioned again that we have a code word and she liked my idea of having me ask to change the subject, politely of course. I didn't tell her anything further, like what the trigger was or why it bothered me I just more so wanted to let her know in advance a way to avoid a possible immediate flashback (which unfortunately she has witnessed the aftermath of one my own therapist accidentally triggered me into on the phone that was so bad I literally seemed to leave my body and since I have 2 kids, was alone that night, she wanted to have someone come over until I was "stable" again and since DH couldn't come his Mother showed up at my door - needless to say I was not happy that it was her but it turned out okay). The things she said were a compliment on the progress I have made and the turn around from when the babies were born to how I am now that they are almost 3. She had said that the only real concern she ever had about them was that their speech development is not on par with other kids their age and that is when I said "that's my fault, PPD can cause speech delays"...so that's it, one of the MANY other things I still have left to open up about and definitely did not want to deal with now and still don't. Also thanks for the encouragement noticing how far I've come, although while I have made a lot of progress it's taken far more than 1 year to get here. I have a LONG way to go. As my therapist says "I'm amazed because you'd think after 4 years I would know everything about you and yet each time I talk to you I learn something I haven't heard about before". She's astounded by the shear amount of trauma I have managed to survive in my 30 years. Believe me, I am far from close to radically accepting the majority of my life. It's just that the 2 that I have accepted have seen fast improvements with interpersonal relationships. Anyhow, yes kids are fine and driving me crazy. Being a SAHM Mom is isolating and being broke only makes it harder. The boys will be 3 next month if you can believe it. Still not potty trained though. :/ Thanks for asking.
  2. So some of you know that I have C-PTSD and my Mother in-law with who I have had a horrible relationship since the birth of my twins in '09 and my flashbacks really started to flair up uncontrollably. Well we've since really started to repair it and have become close (imagine that - never thought it would happen did you?) and even enjoy each other's company, spending time together with just her and I and the the my boys. Well, she tends to mention to me a lot that she's so glad that we've "repaired our differences and you've seemed to have worked all your problems out, and to be honest most of the family have been hesitant to give you another chance to be an active part of our lives for fear they will get hurt again as they have multiple times in the past". It's a warranted fear but I'm only human and will have good and bad days like everyone else just with higher highers and some extremely low lows. The fear stems from my unintentional actions that came out full force after the twins were born in '09. Well the other day she mentioned how far I've come this last year which was a compliment and something she meant no harm by but it triggered me. I was able to hold off my reaction to is until I got home and it's been affecting me since she made the comment on Friday. This trigger is a big deal because it's something I've never openly had the strength to talk about or even acknowledge and really attacks some of my greatest insecurities, fears and immense guilt. I feel like I need to distance myself from her a bit until I'm able to work through it a bit more but I'm scared that if I do they will say something like "There she goes again. She'll never change" or something like that and set the relationship back again and we'll never be on good terms. I did call her the next day and let her know that something she said triggered me and that it was in no way her fault because there's no way she would have know and to reassure her I told her that even my own therapist unintentionally triggered me into an immediate flashback. I tried to just keep making her at ease in that it was not her fault, I knew there was no malice behind it and that in the future if this happens we have code words and I'll say something like "can we change the subject" or something along those lines. She said that was fine but what should I do about wanting to stay away from here for a bit without her thinking I am mad at her, when I'm not? Should I explain what happens after triggers, let it go and hope I get through it quickly? What would you do? I should also mention that she has admitted to me to not really informing herself on C-PTSD and really understanding it. TIA and sorry it's so long.
  3. WOW I have major respect for you and your courage and strength to actually do this process by actually talking to your abuser. I could never do that in a million years. I am FAR to scared to confront those who've abused me. I literally retreat into myself and want to hide and end up in the fetal position in my bathroom with the door locked even thinking about being in their presence either in person or on the phone. That's why the letter seems more appealing to me. I know what you are saying. At this moment, unfortunately, when the flashbacks hit (and they hit HARD) I unintentionally give the abusers power over me because I have yet to learn to take back my own power and sense of self.
  4. I could probably. I don't know where he is buried or if he was cremated. It's something I have to find out from my Mom. Once the funeral was over I stayed out of it.
  5. Thanks guys, I think I'll do it. I just have to muster up the courage and pain that it will once again pull up to relive it and put it into written format which to me makes it real. At least in my head there is still this on-going conflict of imagination vs. reality and when I right it down it's real, no longer a possible dream,,,,does that make sense? i'm working up the courage though. I really appreciate all of the support!
  6. Alright so here's my question...I was sexually abused by a cousin who was 2 years older than me. It started when I was very very young and continued until age 15, he died at 26 on 12/2/04 from a drug overdose. I never got to say or express my anger toward him in life and I have recently been having some intense flashbacks and sometimes it seems that I can't watch or listen to anything without something stupid reminding me of something that happened. He's by far the hardest person with the most abuse to me that I have yet to fully deal with and get over. His Mother was verbally/physically abusive to me throughout my life and I was able to release those memories by writing down everything I had ever wanted to say since she is still alive. So basically I'm just curious, DH mentioned that I should write a letter to this cousin and take it to his grave and I'm scared as hell to even imagine that....has anyone done this or anyone think this would be helpful?
  7. Thanks for that. It actually turned out better than I thought it would. He wasn't, or didn't seem, resentful or anything and was in a good mood and was being very nice and respectful of me and how I was feeling. I didn't talk about what was happening in my head but the physical aspects of it were apparent because I couldn't move very well and my arms kept going numb. All in all it turned out to be much much better than expected.
  8. 12-3-05, five years ago today I married DH after dating since 10/1997. Five years of marriage that has been both incredibly wonderful and incredibly horrible. There have been times in the last 3 years that I've wanted to walk away and I'm sure he's wanted to walk away. I've pushed him away, drawn him back in. It's been intense, our entire relationship. Don't know why he ever wanted to marry me, or what it was that he saw that was good in me considering the first time he spoke to me was at the hospital while I was on suicide watch after overdosing on 80+ tylenol pms. How could that encounter lead to all of this and the two greatest gifts he could ever give me? I feel horrible today though. I'm in the middle of an intense treatment that's made me open up and face some demons I had shelved away in my psyche for over 10 years and as a result have gone backwards a million steps with my ability to be physically intimate with him in any way at all. I know that he is craving this and will forever look at our 5th years wedding anniversary as the year we didn't make love. It's so awful, I am even disgusted with the words "make love", it just doesn't seem natural to me right now. He is so sad, it's in his eyes. I want to make it up to him somehow, show him that I care and that I love him but I can't do that with my body, not like that - not when I'm not present, mentally. If I had sex just to appease him it would set me back even further and in fact the mere thought of it at this very second is making my entire body tense up with fear. This is such an awful feeling. I feel so guilty for not being able to give to him what he so desires. It makes me feel like a piece of shit, a wife that doesn't live up to her duties. I just want to make him happy and it kills me that I can't. Fortunately we have a therapy session early next week. The touch therapy that Stacy wanted us to do went horribly wrong, for me at least, for him it was something but not enough - a tease just like I told her it would be. He went straight for areas I couldn't handle, under the shirt touching my stomach near my breasts, on my skin on the upper inner thigh. Immediately I made him stop and I got so angry and I just wanted to throw his hand off of me and hide but I was good and we "held" it there and talked about positive things that have happened but it took an hour and even when it was over with I didn't feel comfortable and immediately wanted him to remove his hand from my body. I don't even like to have him see me naked anymore. The feeling of his eyes on my chest puts weight on it and I can physically feel my body being pushed down. It's horrible and I hate that this is the thing I am thinking about on my wedding anniversary. A day that was one of the happiest in my entire life and all I can think about is what a piece of shit wife I have become because I cannot fulfill his needs like a normal couple and that all I can think about is that fucking room and that goddamn baseball wallpaper and those baseball themed bed sheets. Ugh, my body hurts.
  9. Strong, I had a friend call me that today...a few people have recently called me that recently and I always say "no, if I was so strong I would fight back, I'm weak". They say that I am strong because of what I've lived through and have experienced and the fact that I have somehow managed to fight for life even though sometimes I feel like I don't want it anymore. I guess I find that hard to swallow because yeah I've been through a lot, seen a lot and had a lot of bad shit happen to me but in the grand scheme of things was/is it really that bad?? You see all these shows like Law & Order and see this horrific stories of violence and abuse and hear on the news about people killing children and all this kind of stuff and when I compare it to what I went through I always end up saying "it's not that bad" and "what right do I have to complain about how shitty my life was when people are starving and being tortured in places all over the world? How can I say that what I experienced is bad and that I am strong for still fighting for a "normal" life when people have and have had it FAR FAR worse than I ever have?". I guess maybe it's semantics really, I don't know. Maybe I just have a skewed view of what normal is. Somehow I just feel like most people have been through the things I have so they shouldn't think I am any different or special because my situation was somehow worse. Denial? Guilt? Not wanting to admit? Skewed view of reality? I don't know. I just wish I believed that I was as strong as people keep telling me. I just feel like how I grew up was normal and it was how everyone grew up...I'm learning, even from friends who've had it bad themselves, that this is NOT the case and I had it really bad...I just feel guilty for saying that. Like I am minimizing someone else's experience and making a joke out of it or insulting them or something. So, do I feel strong? No. Do I feel like a fighter? Today, yes. Anyone else have this mentality?
  10. Ugh that's rough! I'm sorry you're having such a hard time finding something permanent and fulfilling. It does sound like you are crazy busy though which in a way can be a good thing. Keeps your mind busy, you know? I can sort of relate to not having a "real" job in the sense that even though I do work because despite what some may think being a full time Mom of kids IS a job and a very demanding one at that it just doesn't pay the bills so people don't look at it as a job...at least some. I think a lot of people are struggling right now to find work, of any kind. I think the best thing is to just keep putting yourself out there and be hopeful and positive that something good will come along and will be a perfect match for you. I wish I could offer more words of encouragement!
  11. Balanced approaches are good, especially in the beginning in my opinion but I think the end goal is to be off meds and that kinda sounds like what he's trying for. Sorry you have such a hard time finding a good match.
  12. Hi there, welcome to CB! I am almost 30 (will be 29 on the 23rd of this month) and have two 16 month old boys (yes twins). I also struggle with a lot of similar issues as you and I too suffered intensely from PPD, it was a truly scary experience. I hope you find comfort and find this place supportive!
  13. I'm so glad that you realized what the wall wall you had with your therapist was and that you are trying to let your guard down and allow yourself to be vulnerable, open and honest about what has happened to you. It took me over a decade to really get to the nitty gritty of what my past was/is and what I needed to force myself to do in order to start to recover. The beginning of therapy was me being completely guarded and quiet and refusing to open up and talk about ANYTHING that would trigger me, I would just cry the whole time or sit in silence. It took a long time for me to really start to trust her, my tdoc. Once I did and was able to let her into my world things started to make more sense things are starting to slowly improve. What I ended up doing, once I found the trust in her, was giving her all of my journals from those critical moments in my life that cemented the person I have become and why my guard is always up and why I am always scared. This helped a lot. When I gave them to her I felt exposed and completely vulnerable and scared that for whatever reason she wasn't going to believe anything that I had written, that I made everything up. That never happened. By me doing this and opening up to her about everything (well we are still getting out things) it made treatment a little easier and gave her a greater understanding of what my issues are and why I react the way I do rather than respond in a healthy way. I still have a hard time physically talking about things from the past and I find that it gets harder and harder to verbalize the trauma so I write it and then I give it to her to read. I just always feel like by verbalizing it somehow it becomes reality and not just some imaginary thing that is stuck in my head and I am scared to death to make it real. I know that in order to get better I have to start to actually verbalize things and really expose myself beyond words. Slowly I am starting to do this and slowly progress is being made. It's just mainly about trust for me, how much I trust this person to divulge all of my experiences without feeling more shame and more guilt for what I have experienced and how I have treated people because of the trauma.
  14. Oh I'm so sorry. It's hard for most people to understand it. I have found that most people just assume that you can "think it away" or "just get over it (that instant)" or say "you just need to get over it and do it". In my world those words make it worse because then I start feeling guilty that I can't get better "fast" enough that the people around me want. Maybe there is a support group you could find?? Maybe even a book about meditation and relaxation you could try? Or yoga even? I think a lot of us have trust issues, and that's what makes it so hard to find the right person to share your story with. You've been betrayed before so why bother even trying to risk being betrayed yet again by someone who is supposed to help you, right? Other than taking you off the meds why don't you like this therapist? I think the ultimate goal for a lot of us is to be off meds and to be able to deal with things naturally without a security blanket, so to speak. If that's the only reason, maybe try sticking it out a little longer?? If not, we are always here for you!
  15. I did not read all of the replies so if I am repeating something I apologize. Can I ask you a question and have you answer it honestly? Are you happily married, settling because you are married, feel trapped because you are married or feel it's the right thing to do because you are married? If you answered no to the first question, yes to the second, third and fourth questions then I think you have your answer. Now if you are just lonely that is entirely different. Like others said, keeping in touch with exes is never a good thing because there was a reason you were with that person at one point in your life and at one point in your life you were happy with them and that can easily move to adultery. I would say that if you are lonely try and find some girlfriends to do things with to keep you occupied, but keep the exes at a very long distance.
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