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Ironman7

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  1. Luna, I've read the big book cover to cover many times and yes I am familiar with " these such unfortunates". You have to keep in mind that the big book was written in 1939 and is specifically written for Alcoholics. They didn't know jack shit about mental illness back then. Hell, if you identified as a drug addict back then they would tell you to leave. You know why? Because it was illegal to associate with a known drug addict in the 30's and 40's. But, that's why they have dual diagnosis programs. Luna, I've read the big book cover to cover many times and yes I am familiar with " these such unfortunates". You have to keep in mind that the big book was written in 1939 and is specifically written for Alcoholics. They didn't know jack shit about mental illness back then. Hell, if you identified as a drug addict back then they would tell you to leave. You know why? Because it was illegal to associate with a known drug addict in the 30's and 40's. But, that's why they have dual diagnosis programs.
  2. Hey Tommy, don't let the Hep C thing consume you. Just stay clean and get the damn Harvoni. I had to do it the old fashioned way with interferon and ribavarin. It kicked my ass so bad. The side effects were similar to that of chemotherapy. It worked though. I was undetectable for 12 years until a recent check up showed a moderate viral load and very high enzyme count. My doc took me off doxepin that I use for sleep and all the levels started dropping. I've been putting off going back to the doc. I might have to get the harvoni myself. Hepatitis C is like the common cold for anyone who uses IV.
  3. "just don't use" is a foreign concept to a true addict of the hopeless variety like myself. My will was completely removed. I could not say no. I was constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself. My mind would tell me anything to justify getting high one more time. It's taken me 15 years of undescribable pain, misery and loss to finally start "getting it". The 3rd time I almost died I received the gift of desperation. I still struggle. I still relapse. I still get back up, get clean and try to change. I've been through it so many times, getting clean is easy. Painful, but easy. It's STAYING clean that's incredibly difficult for me. I'll put together 90 days.........relapse, 18 months...........relapse, 2 weeks..............relapse. One of these times I'm going to die. I use heroin intravenously. I know I'm playing with fire. Russian roulette. To be honest, I don't give a fuck about dying personally. It's the people I would leave behind. My mom, sister, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, girlfriend, friends would be devastated. It's incredibly selfish of me, but that's the nature of the "disease". I've suffered from MI my whole life and I agree, it's horrible! It's something that isn't usually self induced. As far as addiction goes, I chose to use, but I didn't choose to not be able to stop.
  4. Methadone is perhaps the longest, most difficult kick of all drugs except for benzos. I kicked a monster benzo habit about 10 years ago. I had several seizures in treatment and felt/thought that I was going to die for almost 3 months after. My nervous system was hypersensitive and I would recoil from anything that moved near me, like falling leaves. But hey, let me know if that med really does that. Maybe I'll try it. I'm already on a dozen meds, lol. I want to try modafinil. It's the only drug in it's class. It's a cognitive enhancer and provides a sense of well being. My cousin is a fighter pilot and the military gives him modafinil and amphetamine
  5. Methadone is perhaps the longest, most difficult kick of all drugs except for benzos. I kicked a monster benzo habit about 10 years ago. I had several seizures in treatment and felt/thought that I was going to die for almost 3 months after. My nervous system was hypersensitive and I would recoil from anything that moved near me, like falling leaves. But hey, let me know if that med really does that. Maybe I'll try it. I'm already on a dozen meds, lol. I want to try modafinil. It's the only drug in it's class. It's a cognitive enhancer and provides a sense of well being. My cousin is a fighter pilot and the military gives him modafinil and amphetamine
  6. Addiction is the only "disease" that tells you that you don't have a disease. Therefore you can use again. It's full of contradictions and paradoxes.
  7. I totally understand and feel the exact same way. I don't know wtf is wrong with me. I don't think my docs do either. I've been self medicating a bit lately and I have a habit again. In fact, to be totally honest, I'm loaded with anxiety waiting for the dope man right now. Stay clean my friend!!!!
  8. Wow sixteenshells, I would love to have a place to talk about active addiction uncensored! That takes balls for you to suggest and I respect you for it. You and I can talk about it at least. I'll try to send you a message. To be honest, I don't come on CB very much. I just respond to notifications. Haha. ?
  9. 12 step programs like AA/NA are not for everyone. I've bounced in and out of them for 15 years. I must say that writing a thorough 4th step and taking a 5th step with a sponsor was tremendously beneficial. I'm burnt out on it though. I haven't been to a meeting in over a year. I'm actually going to one tomorrow though, hahaha. I'm meeting a female there. Honestly, she's the only reason I'm going. Women and sex can become an addiction with me too. Shit, anything can. I'm addicted to the gym now and I have a serious sneaker addiction. I have dozens of pairs of Adidas and Nike. I have to consider my addictive nature before I get into anything!
  10. Most of us addicts, including myself, believe the "disease" was always present. It isn't the drugs that turn someone into an addict. It's our reaction to the drugs once we use them. Using drugs wasn't my problem. Using drugs was my solution............to everything!! Getting drunk or high was the only way to stop the constant misery. Always restless, irritable and discontent to the point of acting out in dangerous ways, sometimes ending with me in hand cuffs. It's so much easier to just take a drink, do a shot, hit that pipe, etc, knowing the ease and comfort that will immediately follow. At some point however, the drugs stop working. I got to a point where I could not go on living either with OR without drugs. I seriously considered suicide, to the point of writing several notes. I just couldn't do it though. I'm a selfish ,self centered prick when I'm using but I couldn't go through with the ultimate act of selfishness. I couldn't do it to my Mother and sister, nieces and nephews. I cut myself off from all my old friends. I can't blame them, who wants to watch their friend kill themselves one bag at a time? IDK I'm rambling now. Thanks guys n gals
  11. IGreat responses!! I totally relate to you guys. SixteenShells, I hear you loud and clear! I started with 5mg percs. They made my hungover, miserable work days tolerable. Then when Oxycontin hit the market, and the streets, it was a wrap! $80 for an 80mg oxy. I eventually developed a 3-5 pill a day habit. My life became totally unmanageable. Eventually the Federal government outlawed Oxytocin and pulled it off the market and it was immediately replaced with very high quality, potent heroin from Afghanistan. I started using that shit IV. That first injection opened doors I wouldn't be able to close for almost twenty years. Now that I'm clean. My mental illness is right there screaming in my head and I'm not afraid to ask for help.
  12. Thank you for your input Hitcher. Cocaine is one hell of a bitch to quit. Once you do a little, you need more 10 minutes later, and again 10 minutes later into infinity until you're broke. Opiates on the other hand are a whole different beast. Coke is a psychological addiction and don't get me wrong, it's bad, but opiate addiction its absolute fucking misery! Opiates, especially when you eventually start using heroin intravenously, have the strongest physical addiction of any drug. The suffering during withdrawal cannot be explained in words, it hurts so bad physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. The fact that we're off that shit is a miracle Hitcher!!
  13. That's great you were able to put down the booze and hard drugs. Do you still smoke? We just passed legislation legalizing recreational use here in MA.
  14. Well, the extreme depression effect was happening almost immediately after my second daily dose. I figured if I took it as close to bed time as possible I'd sleep through it all. My shrink, who I'm having serious second thoughts about, lowered my gabbapenten from 800mg tid to 600 tid. That's it.
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