Jump to content


  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Profile Information

  • Gender

Recent Profile Visitors

952 profile views
  1. Thank you all for replying. I don't know how to deal anymore. I was getting better and now it's like I'm back at the beginning. We talked a bit yesterday, because Fb threw some memories in my way, and I sent it to him saying something like damn you fb for reminding me of this. I have deleted everything else, this one I musn't have seen. He said that haven't I deleted it all. We then started bickering about what we have to work on on our own. And I was saying that I need to remind myself and think about the bad stuff as well, not just the good times we had, because otherwise I'll never be able to move on. He then commented on my SI, and I went into full on rage mode on him. I think it might have been too soon that we spoke to each other. I miss him like crazy. I miss the good us. And I know it just takes time, but honestly I don't know how long I can take this. I don't know if I'm strong enough to get over this. I keep going from anger to full on sadness. And it's when this sadness hits me, that I want to just end it all. Everything hurts and I don't know what else to do, to help myself.
  2. So I’ve recently had my heart broken by someone I thougth was the love of my life. The way he ended the relationship was disrespectful, disregarding our years together and just overal shattered my heart into a million pieces. The first two weeks I was going on fine, I kept myself busy, I was barely home and I didn’t give myself the time to even think about it. It has been in the last week that it has really hit me. How much I invested into the relationship, only to find out that I was the only one. How much love I still have and have had for this man, only to find out that he didn’t feel the same. How many years I’ve spent building something together, memories, a life, only to be all taken away in a second. I think what hurts the most, is the when I realized how easily he ended things. Withouth remorse, without so much as a blink of an eye. That really made me realize how little I ment to him. And that’s what hurts the most. Someone being your whole world, and you not being even a speck of theirs. How could I not see it all along? My friend told me, that it’s because I really did and still do love him. I couldn’t see that he was not as invested as I was. She didn’t see it either. How do you guys deal with heartbreak? I haven’t been able to eat, sleep or think straight since it happend. And the urges of a relapse are really really strong. I’ve already relapsed in my eating, I don’t want to do it in SI too. What is something that helped you through a rough breakup? When you feel really worthless, unimportant and just broken?
  3. He was always the one who was talking about it, kidding about me being pregnant, whenever I felt sick or something like that. And about moving in together - it was more be, but it was after we were basicaly already living together. I know, it makes sense like that. But still I don't really understand him. He just seems really really confused about what he wants.
  4. So... My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. The best f*ing 3 years of my life, but ok. He's 7 years older than me, so he's a bit more mature than I was when we started dating, but that's a good thing. We've talked about starting our own family in the near future, seeing as I just turned 25, he's 32, we felt like somewhere near, we would be ready for a kid. Before we started dating I was never really sure if I wanted kids of my own. I've always loved kids, but didn't really see myself having my own, I just always thought I'd adopt or something like that. But being with him, changed that. But that's besides the point now. Ever since we started talking about the more serious things, like kids and moving in together ... he's gotten a bit distant. Now I've told him, that I am in NO hurry to do any of that, and that if he's not sure, he could just tell me, we sure as heck can take things slow. But still, I felt like he never really relaxed after that. Now I know that can mean two things: he's either got cold feet and he ain't ready OR it's not working for him, he doesn't see the future with me. About 2 weeks ago he got distant again. So I nudged him until he told me what was bugging him. That's when he sort of broke up with me. Over a text. Now. I was pissed. I was not ready to allow him to go away that easy. I would've just gone to his house and all, if I wasn't working, and him as well. At my job. It was not a pleasant night. He was totally distant and I was a wreck. The next night I drove to his house so we could talk about it in person. And we talked, he never really gave me a good reason, he was all like, well you know, it's just... blah blah blah. When I asked him, like 5 times if this is it, if this is over, he never replied. I had a panic attack that night, I was crying for 3 hours without stopping. He didn't know what to do to help me. He tried to comfort me, but it was only making it worse. After my panic attack he took away my car keys and wouldn't allow me to drive home. So I had to spend the night. It was horrible, he fell asleep, I continued crying until I fell asleep. The next morning I packed up all of my stuff and was about to leave when he came to the room, he saw that I took all of my shit. His facial expression was golden I have to say. He was shocked. He asked me if I have to take it all, and I said I had no use for it there anymore. He left the next day for Sri Lanka, for 3 weeks. So in less than a week he'll be coming back. He went for work. Of course we talked whilst he's been away. And when I asked him if he's more sure about our situation he said no. He said that he kind of wants to take this break when he's at Sri Lanka, to kind of take an outside look at our relationship. He said that he saw and still kind of sees a future with me. I def saw a future with him, like I said. I just don't know. On the one hand I fell like he's playing with me, just pushing me around, on the other I fell like he's completely confused and even he doesn't know what to do.. I know it's a long read, but I guess I just need an outsiders point of view on the situation. I am still hopelessly in love with him and would do anything for him. But even I know that the situation is not good. I just don't know. If anyone could shine some light on the situation it would be great. I mean I've talked it over with my friends, but I feel like they're all too invested in it and too close to the situation. Anything will help, thanks
  5. Sorry for the late reply. Everything turned out ok. We talked it all over. We spent over 3 hours just talking, me crying a lot, telling him everything. He was totally understanding. It ended in me showing him my journal, for the parts that were hard for me to say out loud. I'm glad we talked it over. Now we have to take care that something like this doesn't happen again..
  6. I don't want to pressure him into staying. I don't know. I'll decide when I go to him when he wakes up. Thank you for replying, I'm honestly really lost atm..
  7. Thank you for replying. I will tomorrow, I've been working nights these past 2 days, but after my shift tomorrow I'm going to see him. I think the relapse won't be the topic of discussion, it'll be other things like if he still wants to stay with me or not. I'm numb by this point already. Relapsed again today, so I don't really see myself stopping anytime soon. I don't want to tell him, because it might make him feel like he needs to stay with me because of my relapse. If he doesn't want to, I won't push him to stay. Even though I don't see myself with anybody else, I will respect his wishes. And I feel like by telling him about it, he'll feel obliged to stay with me. And that's not a relationship that is going to work.
  8. I relapsed yesterday. I felt it coming for a few weeks and I managed to distract myself. Yesterday everything just got a little bit too much for me to handle. I've been clean for almost a year before that (or so I think). And now I'm scared of how my bf will react. We got into a huge fight yesterday, over nothing, and luckily that ment that he hasn't seen my relapse yet. I wanted to tell him, but I was too scared. We barley talked yesterday after the fight and today. And I feel as if he's slipping away from me. I know I'm at fault here, it was my fault we got into the damn fight, and I apologized, but I think I've just done it one to many times for him to forgive me. And if you ask me what the fight was about, I can't tell you, because it was that unimportant. I saw the hurt in his eyes, and he kept pushing me away and I was so scared of losing him so I just kept pushing myself onto him. I want to do it so badly again today and tomorrow and for the rest of life, but I know I deserve better. It's just that cutting is such a comfort blanket for me, it has helped keep me alive through the years and it's something I don't think I will ever recover from. And that kills me more than anything. With every relapse I know what will follow. The last time I relapsed, it was really really bad. The worst actually. And it was almost a year ago (11months to be exact). And it was also the time when I had to come clean to him about my relapse and struggles. And it was bad. It was really bad. He kept checking on me, wanting to see I didn't do it again. And I didn't until yesterday because I was so scared of what I could do to myself. And once he sees my relapse now, I know all hell will break loose. I don't want to hurt him with it. This time period right now is the hardest for me, it's my grandads death anniversary and I'm just a mess. And I don't want to burden him with it all, because there's only so much that he can say or do to make me feel better. But I know that nothing really will. I guess I should give him a chance at trying to accept it, but.. will this happen everytime I relapse? He doesn't like me doing it, he has no idea how long I've been thinking about it, dreaming about it, scaring myself with it. Until I finally couldn't fight anymore. And I'm scared that by me not wanting to talk about it, or even giving him any clue as to what is really going on in my head, I've pushed him to far. I've made myself unavaliable and he's just giving up on me. I don't want to loose him. I can't live without him. I know we're ment to be. I'm not saying that in a crazy gf way, it's just the way it is. I don't see myself with anyone else. He's the one for me. I guess I should tell him that more often. Sorry for the ramble, just need some words of support and some new perspective on the situation as I can't figure it out on my own...
  9. We talked it over yesterday again. She's a bit better, but still, I know it killed her that she can't get the support from the people that are supposed to love her no matter what. Luckily she has us, her friends and her gf and we can do everything in our power to show her the love she deserves.
  10. Same in her situation, her brother doesn't even know yet, because she's scared of telling him. i just don't understand it, aren't parents supposed to be there for their children? Not make them feel bad. Like they told her they will never accept her like this. What kind of person does that? I just can't understand that there are still people like this around. It is, it still makes me cry today just thinking about it. I am there for her, but I can't make her feel better about it. She knows she has me, we've been best friends for 20 years so she knows I've definately got her back. But I can't do much for her in this situation. She knows I love her, but it's her parents love that she wants you know? I'm just so upset about this whole situation, i can only imagine how she must feel...
  11. My best friend called me today in tears. She finally came out to her parents. Her family is very conservative and narrow minded. I've known it since we were kids because her parents have always been super strict with her and not really supportive about her life. She calls me today, breaking down over the phone and I couldn't help and break down with her. I hate them so much! I was hoping that somehow I missjudged them over the years and that somehow their love for her would be more important that who she decides to spend her whole life with. She's finally in a great relationship, I can't remember the last time I've seen her this happy and this crazy about someone. Her girlfriend is amazing. She smothers her with her love and everything else that she deserves and she was so happy that she wanted to share it with her family. And this is how they react? I can't help but cry because it's so horrible. For them to not be able to look at her anymore and to tell her that they will never accept it just sickens me. I want to punch them all in the gut and scream at them until they stop with this nonsense. i just want to punch something so bad. How can it be?! My best friend is literally the perfect daughter and they can't even show her enough respect to look her in the eyes after she opens up about this? I love her to death and would do anything for her, but here I'm not able to make her feel better. I can only offer her my embrace and my shoulder to cry on but I know it does nothing to help with how her parents made her feel. I'm just so overwhelmed with this, I literally want to go to her house and kick them in their faces. They don't deserve a daughter like her.
  12. On the verge of breaking. Broken, sad and fearful for my best friend.
  13. I have resisted it so far. I can't think of the last time it was this hard to do it. I have kept myself really busy these past few days, so I think this really helped me. Thank you Distant Rabbit, I try to stay away from shopping when I'm feeling down because then I tend to spend money on things I don't need ?
  14. Yes, I've been horrible today. Just overall in a horrible mood. My boyfriend wasn't around yesterday but he is today. He noticed that something was up with me, but I don't think he knows why I was in such a bad mood. I don't think he thinks I'm on the verge of relapsing whenever I'm feeling so bad. He has been giving me lots of snuggles yes. It has helped a bit, I also tried the alternative of snapping a rubber band on my wrist and it has helped as well. I was really close to relapsing earlier, but somehow I managed to convince myself not to do it. i haven't thought of freezing the tools, that's a really good idea. I think the best for me to just get rid of them, you know to keep it put of sight and out of mind. But it's really hard. I think I'm safe for one mote night from relapsing.
  15. Thank you for both of your replies. I haven't given in yet. The urges are still really strong today, I'm just trying not to do it. I know relapses happen, but I don't want it too. I know it will help, that's the problem, because it has always helped me. I'm just trying to distract myself. Also haven't told my bf, I know he would be sad of me even thinking about doing it.
  • Create New...