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Corvid

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  1. Oh, Blue, I'm sorry you're hurting so bad right now. We're here. We're listening. I agree with Gizmo: sometimes you just have to think about what's best for you. I don't like the idea of your having to wait six weeks, either. Maybe the hospital can get you past this hump and to a brighter place where you can continue to work on solutions. We're here for you! Corvid
  2. OMG, Iguanita! I could have written every single word of your original post word for word. I don't have bipolar, just depression, and I have asked myself the same question (is what I feel real or is it the depression talking?) everyday for at least as many years as you have. I, too, have a dominating husband who has verbally abused me. I, too, have shut up to keep the peace. I, too, have heard my young child beg Daddy not to be mean to Mommy. I can't tell you what a comfort it was to read your post and realize I'm not alone, that I'm not the only one who wonders this. Thank you for writing. It helps so much just to know I'm not the only one. Corvid
  3. Hey, Shannie. I love your avatar, btw, it's so cute! I know what you mean about freaking out when you have an off day, and worrying whether it means another bout of depression starting. BTDT. You're wise to avoid the alcohol tonight, given that it's a depressant, and given Wednesday's binge. You don't want to go down that road again. If you have to go w/ your friends to a bar (or stay home alone), would they be willing at least to go to a bar that has dancing or something other than just booze? You can always join them but drink non-alcholic things, and when they pressure you too much to drink alcohol, you could just get up and go dance or play pool or do something away from the bar, but still in the same place as your friends. Keep doing healthy things to help off-set the stress of exams/studying. Take walks, eat right, get enough water, that sort of thing, as much as you are able. When I'm trying to fight off what feels like a coming depression, I find that distraction is key. Find something, anything, you like and that lifts your mood and do it to your heart's content. Good luck. Let us know how it goes. Corvid
  4. Sometimes there's nothing for it but to laugh at the ridiculous results of the wrecking ball of depression in your life. I got the giggles this morning as I was slouching down in my car in a very public parking lot trying not to be seen. I was sitting there in the driver's seat flossing my teeth because I haven't brushed them in five days and they're shaggy. While flossing, I realized the fact that going to work "commando" because I have no clean underwear left is an "invigorating" experience on a winter morning as the cold wind blows "there." I just had to laugh. I invite y'all to share your crazy gotta-laugh stories. Corvid
  5. Where am I? At my desk in my home office in the basement. What am I doing? Trying to wake myself up so I can do something productive on one of my rare days off. What's my mood? Almost too sleepy to tell. Maybe a 5? How to improve that number? Stop "shoulding" myself (i.e., that I "should" do something productive). I'm so massively tired and sleepy that I am not going to accomplish anything except to prolong my misery. So I am going to be realistic and go back to bed. How very healthy and wise of me! Corvid
  6. I am SO proud of you, sdjeff! I know how hard you had to work even to be able to make the initial call, but the fact that you kept on making the calls till you got action is simply heroic. I am so proud of you. And even in your pain, you cared enough about the folks in other cars not to collide. I'm glad you've gotten a bed and that you will get help. Corvid
  7. Man, you've been through the wringer lately. I'm so sorry. When's your next pdoc appointment? If it's relatively soon and you can hold on till then, while you're at your appointment, ask the pdoc to pick up the phone and make that call for you to get you into the better hospital. If your appointment is too long away, call your pdoc sooner and ask them to make the call. Maybe it would be easier to call your pdoc instead of calling the hospital directly. Any pdoc worth his or her salt ought to understand the weird ways depression makes some seemingly simple tasks simply impossible to do. Or maybe there's a friend you could have make the call for you? Hang in there! Corvid
  8. Oh, and the first time I ever took Ambien, I had the greatest visual trips. I was "sane" and knew that what I was seeing wasn't true, so it was really fun just to sit back and enjoy the ride. The news anchor on TV sprouted two heads, and the braided rug in the livingroom morphed into a 3-D pit about 12 feet deep. I could turn the lightbulbs in the room into gigantic comets streaking through the sky simply by turning my head. It was fun while it lasted. Unfortunately, I habituated to Ambien so quickly that by the third night, I could have safely operated heavy machinery. So much for getting to sleep.
  9. Provigil made me nice and relaxed, spaced out in a good, peaceful way. It was the best tranquilizer I ever had. Ironically, I was taking it to keep me from falling asleep all the time during the day. One of my AD's had a great antihistamine effect, but can't remember which one now.
  10. Like Gute Nacht, I've got baseline depression (MDD), then PMDD on top of that. Weeks 1 and 2 I try to be as productive as depression allows because I know that weeks 3 and 4 will be even worse hell. Hair-trigger temper, massive suicidal thoughts, extreme fatigue, and also feelings of guilt for everything, even things I know are not wrong, not my fault, not even anything, but I'll feel guilty nonetheless. Just when I'm ready to exit this world forever, my period arrives. Suddenly the sun is shining again and all is well (except for still being depressed w/ the usual MDD). The SSRI's did nothing to help me, and Yasmin was a near deadly disaster. YMMV. At this point, I'm just hoping for an early menopause. At least knowing that it's PMDD, though, can help. If I find myself perseverating about whether I need to write a letter of apology to a total stranger because I might maybe have not smiled at her big enough in the grocery store check out aisle, then I'll check the calendar. If I'm within the two week pre-period time, I tell my guilt to go to hell. If I'm in my two good weeks pre-ovulation, then I consider writing the letter because it may be real guilt, not PMDD hormone-induced guilt. It's also helped knowing it's PMDD because I have now made the rule that I'm only allowed to divorce my hubby during the two good weeks. If I want to divorce him during the two bad weeks, I have to wait. If I still hate him once my period starts, then he probably deserves it. Otherwise, it's just the PMDD talking.
  11. "After the 7th med failure one looses hope" Um, the reason that there are 27 (yup, twenty-seven, count 'em) meds listed in my sig line as former Rx's is that I have had 27 med failures. 27 med failures! I did not lose hope. I kept trying. I am now on a med that is working. I have a life again. Yes, when I tried my current med, Zoloft, the first time, it didn't work: it gave me insomnia so bad that I slept an hour a day, and about once every other week, if I took a double dose of prescription sleeping pills, I got three hours of sleep. You want to talk about feeling like crap and having brains of shit? Try sleeping an hour a day for three months while attending grad school and working part time. This time around, the Zoloft's working. I sleep just fine. Go figure. Don't give up. Grow a set. Corvid
  12. It sucks. It totally sucks trying to find a decent, competent pdoc and then find the right med or med cocktail. Especially when you're already depressed, which makes doing anything almost impossible. I know. I've seen seven different pdocs in four states and even more therapists. I've been on some kind of med for the last 20 years (check out my sig line to see what goodies I've tried from the pharma-buffet.) I've suffered through dry-as-dust mouth, constipation, nausea, 45 lbs of weight gain, dissociation, memory loss, worsened depression/anxiety/irritability, temporary loss of sight and hearing, the "taser shocks" of SSRI withdrawal for nearly a year, medicine-induced arthritis, akathesia, tremors, sleepiness to the point I literally could not sit down or I'd fall instantly asleep, nightmares, insomnia so bad that 3 hours of sleep/night was my max, and lactation (yes, milk spurting from my boobs even though I'd never been pregnant). But giving up is not an option for me. It hurts like hell, both from the pain of the depression itself and from the despair of thinking there will never be a med that will do more good than harm. But you know what? At the moment, I'm almost OK. I'm not super happy, but my latest med has made me functional. I'm able to go to work. I shower and brush my teeth every day. I sometimes even manage to clean something around the house. I'm not doing cartwheels, but I'm alive, and I'm there to hug my little kid and husband before I head to bed. Has it been easy being a pharmaceutical guinea pig? Hell no. Have I wanted to say fuck it all? Frequently. But giving up isn't an option for me. Hang in there. Don't give up. If your only options are give up and die or keep trying, then you've got to keep trying, no matter how shitty it is. Corvid
  13. Hey, Auburngirl, I don't have any advice. I just want to let you know that you matter. I don't have any magic wand to wave and make things better, but I'll be here for you. Know that we care. Hang in there. Any chance that at least some things will change when you graduate? IIRC, you're pretty close to being done w/ your program. Don't give up. Corvid
  14. Blue, I didn't mention this before you started taking the Yasmin because I didn't want to prejudice you or scare you, but I had exactly the same reaction you did. The extreme nausea wore off after a couple of weeks for me, but the suicidal feelings, crying jags, and explosive rages were a thousand times worse than even my most severe PMDD weeks. And unlike PMDD, which confines itself for me to two out of every four weeks, on Yasmin, it was like non-stop PMDD the whole month. I know I stuck it out for a full cycle, can't remember if I held out for two full cycles or not, but if I had any doubt about the Yasmin being very wrong for me, that doubt was removed when the sun suddenly started shining again after I got that stuff out of my system. YMMV. I'm not telling you to stop taking it, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, that you're not crazy, and that you're not imagining the wild hormone crazies the Yasmin is causing in you. Hang in there. Don't kill yourself. Talk w/ your docs. Just know you're not alone. Corvid
  15. Hey, Auburngirl! I'm so glad to see you on the 'Board again. I've been off and on and hadn't seen you in a long while. I was wondering how you were doing, so I'm glad for the update. I'm sorry you're still dealing with the loneliness and depression. Do you realize how amazing you are that you're able to work full time, go to school full time (at a great school w/ a rigorous animal science program), and that you'll graduate despite having to deal with a major, chronic illness like depression? Good heavens, girl! Give yourself a huge standing ovation. You deserve a fanfare. Very few people could do what you're doing even if they weren't depressed. That you are managing to do all you're doing while depressed takes heart, big heart, and a courage and determination that qualifies as courageous. I'm sorry that your family doesn't seem to recognize what a hero you are and that they can't understand what it means to be depressed. Honestly, unless someone's been depressed themselves, most people don't understand anything about depression. Anyway, I don't know what to tell you about the loneliness thing. Perhaps you could take advantage of the university's counseling services before you graduate (they're usually cheap or free to students) to look at the social awkwardness issues. I know you probably don't have time to squeeze much else into your schedule, but I think you might find the support and insights you need to address this aspect of your life. It's great to hear from you again. Keep talking! Corvid
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