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About Blahblah

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    It's either the Blues or Blahs

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  • Interests
    Coffee (make it strong)
    Cats & dogs
    The Sea
    Writing (well, private ramblings in my journal)
    Any escape from my own mind
    Kind souls

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  1. Exactly, how you define independent "intelligence" I mean AI is created from HUMAN programming and pattern recognition. It would be nice to hear more about AI saving or benefitting the world. IMO it's all for worldwide surveillance and then this facial recognition crap. It's really anxiety provoking. All these "smart machines" listening to us, selling us sh*t....probably feeding us subconscious suggestions. So we can just sit back and do nothing. Soon they will be programming us and yeah, take over the world. But they'd probably do better than that orange fat guy.
  2. Thank you @sugarsugar I seriously need to work hard on resetting my sleep/wake schedule!! haven't had a full-time job in ages, so my routine is different every day. I hate mornings. I will try some of the things you have suggested! I'm desperate to try anything I've dealt with this sort of problem all my life, no matter how early I go to bed!
  3. I was going to try to find a therapist on BetterHelp.com, I don't have OCD but perhaps you can request someone there that has expertise in this?
  4. @mikl_pls I experienced this back when I had PTSD. So for me, was related to anxiety and post-traumatic experience. Shadows freaked the hell out of me, I would wake up and see silhouettes. I heard whispering, breathing. I thought it was someone who broke into my room to assault me or rob us. My heart would race, and I feared for my life. I'd turn on the light and make a lot of noise. And for a period, sleep with lights on. But then there are those hypnagogic hallucinations (I have once in awhile), sometimes I'd wake up and have the feeling something heavy, malevolent energy (like not human) was sitting/constricting my chest, I could not move, run, or wake up and when I tried to scream nothing would come out. Then upon waking, I actually could hear my voice, so I was indeed trying to scream. Terrifying. That in-between state.
  5. @mcjimjam I experienced this once!! Truman Show is a perfect way to describe it. Had a horrible response to a med during a PTSD episode (decades ago) became extremely anxious, paranoid, felt like hidden cameras were on me, not wanting to get undressed, shower or do anything weird that I would not do in public, because I thought I was being monitored or might be taken somewhere (?!) Totally - other people were like paid actors, or all in it together! Felt people were staring at me and could hear my thoughts, a horrible "exposed" feeling.... I didn't have super malevolent messages, but I felt everything pertained to me personally. Everything became an odd coincidence. Hidden codes, special meanings in things like tv shows, books. I was very confused. Very scary experience. It was like a brief psychotic-type episode but never had one since. I wonder how common this is??
  6. Watched hours of the impeachment trial (am I insane? maybe....) My boredom shifted towards, well, something else that's for sure. Just wow. History in the making and fear around what's next.
  7. Got up at noon again....was really let down by some sh*tty news I received yesterday. Trying to get a few things done nonetheless. Took a shower. Weather is crap out. <sigh>
  8. Your morning sounds lovely. I do look forward to coffee (usually) but lately it doesn't have any awakening effect. I just have a tiny room/studio (like a cell) so it's not healthy for me to stay cooped up in here all day long. When I'm in these states, reading doesn't even engage me...and I have no pets sadly... All I have to "look forward" to doing is working on my CV, searching for jobs (yuck) or forcing myself to get exercise. I just have no motivation, energy or ability to sustain.... Taking a shower does help somewhat (although it doesn't always get me out of the house).... Sometimes if it's not too rainy or awful, I go out for lunch or wander, go to a museum or do some aimless window shopping, but then I get overwhelmed with this purposelessness. I would love to have a close friend to meet up with weekly, but I don't (big city living). There are too many things to do here, everyone has insanely busy lives, major FOMO, no time for new friends. I know I should just get active and do things alone, there's no shortage of things to do here, but that sucks after awhile (having no one to experience things with). I'd rather cozy up away from the world in my bed these days. Meetups are so draining, I'm a bit of an introvert and I absolutely hate the introductory "where are you from, what do you do" questions over & over. It's unbearably tiresome for me. Exact same conversation round & round again, and then the friendship doesn't evolve anyway. Then comes the shame "I suck, I'm lazy, unemployed, depressed people like me are so boring....I'll never be able to hold a job again...or be like these normal people..." self talk.
  9. I don't have any major obligations (I mean I don't have a job right now, no friends, no regular activities)...There are things like cleaning, grocery shopping, errands that I procrastinate on and (they just aren't enough to fill up an entire day). So I put all of it off for as long as possible. If I have important appointments or meeting, yes I can actually force myself to get up. Even if it means I'm sprinting to get out the door on time. I'm always running late and it's a horrible habit. I think allowing 1 weekend day for napping & sleeping is fine. Problem is, it is really unhealthy to lay around inside literally all day long. No exercise. Avoiding showering, preparing proper meals, etc. just to lay in bed, comfortable, in a foggy, indifferent daze. It is really becoming a major problem because I need to look for & get a job. I need to start developing healthy routines again asap, otherwise I will not be able to sustain a normal working life! I'll get myself fired within weeks.
  10. Oh God - I know that book well. My first pdoc recommended it. I hate CBT also. I keep trying to take action, because I keep feeling like it's my damn fault or plain laziness. No one ever takes anhedonia seriously and I'm constantly questioning whether I have some sort of TRD or if I'm just f&cking lazy, or my brain is just destroyed and royally screwed (to the point of no return) after 2 decades of powerful psych meds.
  11. It's not "sleepiness" It's more of a psychic lethargy, a way of behavioral avoidance, like I just want to waste the day because otherwise, I can't find anything enjoyable to do to pass the time. Laying in bed is just an escape. I often lay there for hours (not sleeping) Maybe taking Provigil to get up earlier will help with a routine wake/sleep schedule, but I'm not sure it will alleviate this soul-sucking emptiness I have all day. Yep. Melatonin helps you sleep and makes me feel nearly drunk in the morning. Even 1mg gives me a grogginess the next day... I don't have any trouble sleeping, I don't have sleep apnea or anything. I tried to go to bed earlier last night (9pm) Unfortunately, a car alarm awoke me at midnight and I could not go back to sleep for 2 hours. Then when my alarm went off at 8:30am, I thought "why am I getting up at 8:30am, I have nothing to do and nowhere to go...." so I hit snooze several times until I get unbearable hunger pangs. God, this would get me so angry and miserable. Pure Torture. I need to change up my morning routine or have something to look forward to....I just don't know what. My mornings are like Groundhog day. And its like my motivation & reward mechanism is completely destroyed.....Wahhhhhh I want my Ritalin. I just hope it still works when I start up again.
  12. Yep exactly...... And to make things worse, many pdocs think it's great that you're "functioning" when the horrific depression ends. I feel like most of them just want to numb you in order to keep you out of the hospital - they feel that this is "good enough" !? Ah nope, I need to be able to function in a full-time job and not stare out the window all day in silence. I've also read that people that are numb & suffering from anhedonia are actually MORE apt to commit suicide... I will look into Provigil, I'm not sure how the mechanism is different from other stimulants - is it also schedule 2? I know it promotes wakefulness, but I'm not sure if that will also promote better moods? Ugh. Yeah I'm not thrilled about Abilify but don't know what else to try. That's super discouraging about the longterm effects for you. With Lamictal, I totally agree, years ago I was up to 350mg (stupid pdoc was overmedicating me, convinced I was Bipolar). I definitely had the stupids and more flatness. It definitely helped when I first started it, I felt subtle balancing, calming effect at 75mg. I like how it balanced my moods but wasn't sedating or agitating, didn't make me feel weird & not myself - now maybe like with other meds, you're brain adjusts and things stop working, etc. Yeah, I def feel my brain has downregulated from the Ritalin 😞 Do you know how long it takes for that to change? Its not permanent is it??? My pdoc doesn't prescribe Adderall, so it's difficult to get any of this as I'm in EU. I know Effexor lower is basically an SSRI, I thought it would be less dulling that Citalopram or Prozac. Higher doses just gave me more side effects. I have basically tried all of them. Apparently, my brain does benefit from a bit of Serotonin, because I no longer have the horrific crying spells or the hellish PMDD. Maybe the dose needs to be lowered or tweaked? I read that more Serotonin leads to decreased Dopamine (I'm sure it's more complicated than my explanation)? It's just this soul-sucking lack of motivation, interest and apathy. Ugh, this is why I am always tempted to taper off everything and just f&cking start from scratch. Zero. Washout. I find it ridiculous that none of these meds are not without side effects...and many that DON'T seem to have side effects eventually do over the long term!! (or they just stop working, OR like Ritalin, you just have to keep increasing). Then the doc starts adding a bunch of sh&t to counteract the crap from other meds.....Just band-aids all of them. And I don't feel THAT much better, or any more functional.
  13. I've tried that a few times... I end up just laying there, toss & turn, but then don't actually fall asleep until at least 11pm. Maybe I should try a bit earlier each night and slowly shift my schedule? I don't know. I think it is all psychological, I'm not really tired per say, it's like this lead weight of futility & the uselessness of life. Lately, even when I do manage to get up before 11am and complete a few tasks - I end up laying around for hours in the afternoon or actually sleeping. I just want to lay in bed half the day.....
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