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About Blahblah

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    It's either the Blues or Blahs

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    Coffee (make it strong)
    Cats & dogs
    The Sea
    Writing (well, private ramblings in my journal)
    Any escape from my own mind
    Kind souls

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  1. @sugarsugar This is interesting. I know that the body cycles through the different phases of sleep repetitively throughout the night. I've read that if you happen to wake up mid-phase (I think the REM phase) it is particularly difficult to snap out of it. Problem is, everyone has different phase lengths, so it's tough to know the ideal wake up time. I've also read something about body temperature dropping (or melatonin increasing) around 2pm which can cause a slump. There are probably some fancy expensive sleep tracker watches that claim to track your sleep phases, but I don't know how accurate they really are. Maybe I should get some sort of alarm that lights up when the sun rises? I seem to have more energy that kicks in around 10pm which is really annoying.
  2. Overwhelmed, sad, isolated and hopeless. The state of the world is a nightmare and winter is coming.... And fewer people seem to be posting here regularly these days :-(
  3. Yeah, I've run the gamut of thyroid, vitamin, inflammation, tests, etc and nothing. The only test I haven't done is a sleep test for apnea, but I'm thin, I don't snore and I do feel like I've slept well when I wake up, I just can't "get going" ! I eat a health/varied diet and also exercise regularly. Ugh. That sounds awful. I'm not quite that bad, I begrudgingly get up by 10:30am-ish (usually) but the annoying part is I must always lay down/rest 2pm-4pm...then I go to bed at 11pm. I tend to feel more energized, at least mentally, from 9pm-2am... It's really not ideal. My circadian rhythms must be off genetically. Luckily, I'm not on a sedating med, I couldn't tolerate it. My stimulant isn't doing much these days as far as energy goes, it mainly just helps with hyperfocus. I notice I am more tired after it wears off now. The IR is useless, I feel it a bit for maybe an hour and then I just get sort of drained/cranky. I don't want to depend on stimulants anyhow, I just don't know what else to do....None of the A/Ds are stimulating for me either! More like numbing...
  4. Oops, I just realized, I don't actually completely fall asleep when I "nap"... I just rest there (but can't get up or do anything, so I might as well be sleeping!) so technically, it wouldn't be considered hypersomnia - more like a chronic fatigue. I usually sleep 10-11 hours per night though, I assume even though it's a lot, it's maybe not "out of range"?
  5. Anyone ever deal with Hypersomnia? I exercise daily now and eat healthy, but I'm constantly having to nap. I sleep in until nearly 11am most days. I am really worried about the days getting shorter & darker. I cannot seem to get myself to do anything. I guess I'm still depressed....because all I want to do is get through the day so I can sleep. I can manage to do a few things, but after lunch all I can do is nap because I just feel well... drained, empty. All my blood tests are completely in range & normal. I've played around with my ritalin dosing schedule and it doesn't seem to have the same "energizing" effect, in fact I feel a bit too obsessive after it kicks in, and then just irritable & more tired when it wears off.
  6. I don't think it's irrational to want a specialist or expert (pdoc) to lead your treatment. Especially if you have a complicated psych history. I've never been treated by a nurse though. I always had the impression that nurses' education & background was more generalized and less focused on psych pharmaceuticals. But maybe I'm wrong. I would personally feel OK if a nurse was handling maintenance care, or if i was just taking SSRIs. But yes, i think your anxiety around taking A/Ps is coming into play also. I think giving the nurse a chance is worth a trial, and if you start having bad side effects, you can always ask to go off it. You could ask if the nurse about their training, and if he has experience prescribing complex treatments, maybe that would be reassuring? Have you expressed your anxiety around taking an A/P and discussed options in detail? Does he work closely with a team (that includes a pdoc?) Keep in mind, if you still feel this "distrust", you can search for a pdoc or 2nd opinion? I think it's very important to have full trust & confidence in your medical provider.
  7. He seems a bit long-winded & tangential in this one. I wasn't sure I got his main point, but maybe I'm just feeling distracted when I tried to focus on it.
  8. I can relate to the worry-worry-worry about worrying, the vicious cycle of distraction...and then thinking-thinking-thinking to where you can't stand being alone by yourself, with no thoughts. What do you think about his advice at the end? "You need to learn how to leave your mind alone, it will quiet itself...." Makes me think of "Lose your mind" How does one do this, in a healthy functional way? Is he sort of suggesting a daily meditation practice, or emptying your mind of all thoughts? Because I can indeed do this from time to time, but it feels like dissociating. And then eventually, you must come back to planet Earth, you know?
  9. I had never heard of "over valued ideas" that is very interesting, and never thought it could be more of an OCD or obsessional-type symptom. Long ago I had a terrifying delusional-paranoia type episode which landed me in the hospital. I always had severe depression & anxiety, but they said that psychotic break was possibly more connected to CPTSD, schizoaffective, or Bipolar. But it wasn't like mania...no delusions of "grandeur" no impulsive or reckless behavior, no racing speech or thought. Delusions, but no hallucinations, no voices. I had the "self-referential ideas" when you become very self-absorbed & everything has some deeper meaning for you personally? Heavy deja vu type feelings, seeing signs. odd feelings that people could hear my thoughts, i could sense the suffering of others. You start to read passages of a book and feel like it's meant for you to read? A series on tv is sort of "talking to you." Health anxiety also, asked for an MRI, thought I had brain swelling from a viral infection or tumor. It was something I'd never wish on anyone. I imagine it would be something like a nightmare LSD trip that you could not wake up from.
  10. Quite the character, sort of a hippie mystic zen-buddhist philosopher. I'm familiar with him, but have yet to read any of his material. Any books you'd recommend? It says (per Wiki) regarding his intentions, Watts attempted to "lessen the alienation that accompanies the experience of being human that he felt plagued the modern Westerner." Unsurprisingly, he was also pals with Aldous Huxley, I looked at his various publications....there are some interesting topics for sure...From 1960: "The Value of Psychotic Experience"
  11. Perhaps this is something that falls along the gray "spectrum" ? I hear more often these days that disorders are not black & white. People can have symptoms of a disorder without actually meeting all of the criteria. I believe that psychotics or schizophrenics fully believe their delusions, so the fact that you have rational insight (to me) means that it is not full psychosis. How often do you experience this and for how long? Does anxiety trigger it? Could be transient delusions, but seems you typically have insight, despite how terrifying your thoughts/obsessions are. I have also heard that extreme anxiety, complex trauma or OCD can cause paranoia and delusional type thoughts like this. Is it tied to mood (like schizo-affective?) Maybe subconsciously, you are dealing with fear/anxiety that manifests in this way? From what I understand, OCD (particularly obsessions related to health anxiety or contamination issues) is quite common.
  12. @mikl_pls Hope you are doing OK.

  13. Thinking good thoughts for you also @sugarsugar - I've been there and it's so stressful. Especially when you are dealing with MI (undisclosed in my case) and the cards are all stacked against you. We never get a break. Like Catnapper said, breathe, and pause before you speak, try not to become defensive. Act extra compliant & eager to please if you have to (to get them off your back a bit)
  14. Hmm, I must always assume a bad episode is lurking. My depression is both chronic and "episodic" though. So It never really "goes away." The waves just vary in intensity. I mainly get ultra-rapid cycling (but no mania, what fun). It's as if depression (the more moderate form) has just morphed into my personality or something. It's always there and I cannot separate myself from it. My cycles are erratic (like I'm stable/normal for a month, then I have an intense 2 days where all I can do is avoid everything, cry & sleep because it completely consumes me). I'm self-aware of triggers and try to avoid them. It's like learning to ride the waves (Or tsunamis?) It requires radical self-acceptance and telling myself "this mood is temporary, before long, I'll be back above water again..." Unfortunately, I've little to no tolerance for stress and frankly, I'm doubtful whether I can ever sustain a real full time job ever again with this disease. I must constantly treat myself with "kid gloves" and force daily self-care routines, and reach out to pdoc as preventative, because it's the only thing that keeps me above water. I can function highly for only so long, and then need long periods of rest. I never want to be hospitalized again. Mental illness is exhausting.
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