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About Blahblah

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    It's either the Blues or Blahs

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  • Interests
    Coffee (make it strong)
    Cats & dogs
    The Sea
    Writing (well, private ramblings in my journal)
    Any escape from my own mind
    Kind souls

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  1. Mangoes (proper ripe ones coming from SE Asia, especially drizzled with coconut) Oops - the other answer: I don't actually like either dessert, would prefer pie. If you could only have 1 of the following in life, which would you choose? 1.) A lifelong interesting career with amazing colleagues 2.) Wonderful, adoring children who care for you for life 3.) A loving spouse who cherishes & supports you for life 4.) Any material thing you want 5.) Meaningful hobbies that fulfill you 6.) A life of unexpected adventures on every turn 7.) A quiet, domestic life surrounded by animals 8.) Perfect health 9.) Other (write your own answer, like special talent or smarts..)
  2. Nice to see you around here again, it's been awhile. I'm curious whether you avoid relationships due to social anxiety? Fear of rejection? or is more depression/withdrawal? There are many people that suffer major mental health issues, yet are still able to sustain romantic relationships. Have you had any insights from therapists? Or been treated for alcoholism? I guess my thought would be to work on your depression & managing your illness(es) as much as possible, before diving into a serious relationship or emotional entanglement with someone. Others have always suggested to take up hobbies or classes, meetups just for the sake of the activity (not necessarily to meet a potential partner or anything), work on maybe developing more friendships first? Better to date someone you have already built some trust with.
  3. Yes..car drives, bus rides. Unfortunately, I can't sleep well on plane rides too uncomfortable. Are there any hobbies or activities that you can somewhat enjoy, no matter how bad you feel?
  4. I often question: will it ever go away? What the hell is my purpose? Is there a bigger meaning as to why my path has been filled with suffering (for no reason, there is no one to blame for why I'm this way). Why can't I accept and love myself for where I'm at and who I am now? If the brain has so much plasticity, why am I not going into remission, no matter what I do? No matter how healthy I live my life, years of spiritual/soul searching, therapy, psychiatric meds. My condition is also highly exacerbated by hormones, so does that mean that during peri-menopause (approaching in 5-8 years), I'm going to go bat-sh*t crazy and all this therapy, meds, self-work will go down the drain due to my messed up genes or biology? The clinical depression, anxiety about the future, ill-at-ease in the present. I get months where I am "teased" feeling pretty normal, like a productive human being, making progress...then some sort of situational sh*t comes back up and triggers me. Sorry all the new age "positive thinking" BS is not sustainable. There is a thing called "spiritual bypassing" many people do it. And the Law of Attraction thing "your thoughts attract everything in your life" is a naive sick excuse to blame victims for uncontrollable (and often devastating) circumstances that are inescapable.
  5. I actually read a study awhile back that linked Heavy Metal & Death Metal to higher IQ and intelligence. The below isn't the same article, but I couldn't find the original one A study published today reveals that a disproportionate number of members in the National Academy for Gifted and Talented Youth (a body of 120,000 students which represents the top 5% of academic achievement) list heavy metal - or "metal", as its devotees these days know it - as their favorite kind of music. http://www.deathmetal.org/news/the-strong-link-between-heavy-metal-and-high-intelligence/ "If you're a Mensa member whose best friend is a book of scientific equations then it's no surprise that you might fall in love with a band whose rhythmic tendencies are the musical equivalent of Einstein's theory of relativity."
  6. Thinking good thoughts about you, I miss you being around here! I hope you're ok. {{Hugs}}

  7. @Outofoptions Hey there...sorry things are so rough at moment! I've also been dealing with 25 years of TRD. See my sig, I've tried about every class (except MAOs) and most of these 30 meds I mainly side effects that always outweigh any benefits. For what it's worth, I was on Lamotrigine for monotherapy for a long time, and it is just about the only med that gives me no side effects. Great mood stabilizer (calming, but not sedating or activating) It really helps lengthen time between bad episodes, but probably won't pull you out of an acute episode unfortunately. The titration is also very long, (so not ideal if you need to get lifted up now) For severe depression & anxiety, I've had good luck recently with low-dose Effexor. Ritalin has been my savior for chronic symptoms such as apathy, lethargy, lack of focus, and motivation. My combo isn't a silver bullet, but it's been the best so far. Just to note though, I don't have insomnia (I actually sleep TOO much) so you may need a different combo to tackle the sleep/restlessness issue. I know Lexapro is very similar to Citalopram (but maybe you already tried?) I wish you the best of luck, it's hellish place to be I know.
  8. Thanks @notloki good to know (I get paranoid about stuff, and start Googling endlessly) I am really out of shape at moment, so hopefully can get back into a gym routine. I just want to make sure I stay out of the danger zone. Plus being on a stimulant, don't want things to get worse, or have my pdoc take me off it because my heart is being wacky.
  9. You're totally right. I get OCD with it, wanting to be very clear. I used to hand-write long letters to friends as a kid, so I miss times when deep conversations were appreciated. There was none of the Twitter 140 character "bites" and emojis, memes, abbreviated replies....It's convenient, but lazy AF.... People's attention spans are non-existent. Maybe we need to find long-email writing types also. Haha, maybe bring back the pen pal days ☺️
  10. Thanks @looking for answers Sounds reasonable. I guess I'll start easy and not overdo it (I've a tendency to push myself, maybe too much). I seem to be OK around 160, but yeah 185 seems really high, def not sustainable and at that rate I get super out of breath, tight chest, throat starts hurting. I just hope it doesn't take forever to get in cardio/heart shape again. I'm not consistent with exercise, so I can't expect much only going once per week, but I'm so impatient!
  11. Cool, an expert in the house! Wow you must be an athlete (I'm jealous). I'm well aware of the normal range for resting 60-100 (and my Max is 180). I'm just concerned that it is in a dangerous/borderline range and wondering how long it will take to get into a fit range?? My mom had a heart attack (due to a hereditary arythmia or something) so I'm a bit paranoid.... i just bought a cheapish ($29) fitness tracker from Amazon. That had 600 great reviews. It's a watch around wrist. In the morning, laying down (laying in bed the entire time, not getting up, not sitting up). I press the HR button (a little heart emoji beats), and it starts tracking for a minute - the speed jumps around erratically, and I don't know what the official rate is, like it goes 70....80.....75.....90....91....92...89...98...for the entire minute. Which is bizarre? Shouldn't it be more consistent and not spike around? I tested it by doing like 5 minutes of warm up jumping jacks (barely any exertion) and it immediately went so high. Same with when I run. I try to run @ 30 minutes (5mph) and it seems within 15 minutes I'm up around 185 (according to the hand sensors on the treadmill, if those are even correct?). Does this just mean I'm REALLY that unfit?? Is it not good to be around 180 for more that like 10 minutes, is that bad? Should I try to stick lower to the 150-160 range for good cardio, going up slowly over time? Thanks for the advice!!
  12. Why did your pdoc take you off? I am assuming these are behaviors that are unusual to you (like not normal)...the things we do 🤪 I just realised that I have a similar thing, eek. and never connected it to hypomania, maybe I should? Thought it was procrastination / avoidance. Just 2 days ago (instead of working) I spent hours writing Amazon reviews for all of the products I've bought! (even products from 2 years ago) 😳 then I spent HOURS reading reviews for dozens of supplements and saved them to wish lists (but didn't purchase yet). Oh..and the heavy metal thing reminds me of when I was obsessed with Binaural beats (to help me study) and spent a day making YouTube playlists which I never listen to... It's like hyperfocusing obsessively on things that aren't important. So it seems you can focus well, just not on the work that you need to get done...I'd maybe tell your pdoc if it continues.
  13. Started using my new fitness tracker. Tracks sleep & heartrate also. I'm not sure how accurate it is (500 great reviews said it was). But I'm quite worried with results I'm getting. My resting Heartrate jumps around erratically from 70-100. After sitting at breakfast it's like 90-115. I am healthy weight/slim, eat really well, usually fit (though really inactive last 3-4 mos). Literally, when I woke up today (before any meds), I tracked, and it jumped all around from 68-95. I hadn't even got out of bed!! The other day, I did 5 minutes of jumping jacks, then tested....it was 120-130, heart pounding in ears, really tight chest, with slight cough/phlegm congestion in throat....I do some stretching, forward bends then feel very dizzy. Is this normal or am I just really out of shape? I have low blood pressure and when I run lately, HR goes up to 180 which is max. Is this dangerous? @mikl_pls ? How long do you have to be doing fitness in order to get it down to fit/normal?? Oh, too add, I did an ECG a couple years ago, and nothing abnormal was found. Also did a "Fitness test" on a bike with oxygen mask (5 years ago though) doctor just said I was unfit.
  14. Took a shower and changed out of my pjs. Got groceries for the week and did a thorough cleaning today.
  15. I did a (2-month?) trial on Trintillex, with no effect on me at all, I was only on Lamictal at the time. I was told it's like "Prozac light" with more of a cognitive boost. Good luck!! Might be great if you're sensitive to side effects (I usually have some) but with this, nada!
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