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Everything posted by Blahblah

  1. Dysphoric, worried. I feel like a failure and completely incapable today....I don't know what will help.
  2. I can relate to this...I have a few cups of coffee per day and I don't wanna know how much worse i'd feel without it!
  3. Same. I can be severely depressed, yet you better bet I'll still be taking showers and eating 3 times per day...Now being "productive" with my time (without sleeping half the day away), exercising, socialising or doing laundry are by far a different story...
  4. I've heard the term "high functioning" applied to every diagnosis. Far as I know, yes, you look fine, well & happy on the outside (like no none would suspect at all) You are great at hiding it in the public sphere, in order to do what you need to do (highly capable in daily living, working, socialising) but inside, you are a mess. I don't think you need to be an overachiever to be high functioning. You may still avoid some things (everyone does) but many things you usually don't (like socializing, going to work, etc). You aren't "disabled" by your MI for the most part.
  5. Very discouraged. Having a tough time staying positive.
  6. Productive day, thanks to added ritalin and caffeine. Got some important stuff done, despite feeling a bit like a druggie.
  7. What is an average length of time it takes to build tolerance to a benzo? I know it totally varies depending on metabolism, etc. I rarely take Xanax (only occasionally) .25 never had much noticeable effect but .50mg works for me, for sleep. I often wonder how often & how consistently I'd need to take .50mg until i needed an increase? If It's anything like ritalin, the tolerance built up within several months of daily use. Effects became weaker as the months went along but I just suffer and resist increasing my dose because I don't want to "max out"
  8. Meh. Apathy. I just want to go lay back in bed. Can't seem to think of anything enjoyable to put on my to do list. Only work & chores. Nothing is enjoyable or rewarding at moment except sleeping.
  9. Yes - long time ago, invigorating actually. Are you able to do headstands and/or handstands?
  10. Hmm I lean towards the messy side, but it bugs me (and I end up disorganized, losing sh*t), so I don't leave things messy for long. What is your favorite plant/flower/tree?
  11. I'm pretty sure adderall turned things around for me four years ago and made it so I could get work done. I don't know that there's really anything in it's place now that it's not working much. It's not even that I'm depressed without it working, because that's probably a combination of all my meds, but I can't can't get anything done and have no motivation to get things done, beyond the abstract. This is what I worry about is happening to me with Ritalin. it completely brought me back from the "dead" 2 years ago, I was motivated, positive and for a bit I was functioning to the best of my ability. Little by little, it's puttered out and I get a good 2 hours out of it, and just sort of become a complete slug in the afternoon when it wears off. Not necessarily depressed (my other meds prop me up) but I have no initiative, energy or drive to do anything. I don't want to have to keep increasing & increasing, popping it like candy because sometimes I get the opposite effect (with more, sometimes I'll get more tired, or edgy). It must be doing something however, because I can barely get up in the morning without it. I suppose I could just try to take a longer break and maybe re-start it? I don't know, it's the main thing that noticeably helps me. But the tolerance thing blows.
  12. You definitely sound depressed and/or burnt out from mental exhaustion. It's not normal to criticize yourself everyday, have obsessive negative (suicidal ideation) thoughts and no energy or focus. What was your normal "baseline" mood, when you've felt better? I also have days where I feel pretty normal and functioning. I can distract myself and enjoy a moment. However, I still consider myself chronically depressed because those days are far and few, they never last more than a couple months. Increased stress and situational life triggers also send my mood spiraling out of control. I've come to somewhat accept at this point that I have a chronic illness, that I will have to manage my entire life. If I can't go into complete remission, I hope to manage the worst episodes so that I can have a somewhat normal life (job, relationships, hobbies). There are different levels of depression, which manifest in different ways. I don't think you need to be sad, sobbing everyday to have clinical depression. Dysthymia can manifest as a sense of unworthiness, avoidance, isolation, lack of motivation/interest/focus, fatigue, boredom, anhedonia even. I think the key is, does this mood limit your ability to function day to day? People without depression can get sad for a justifiable reason, but they are able to bounce out of it and maintain a healthy perspective for the most part. While people with clinical depression often cannot (at least without meds or some form of therapy). Maybe others will add more here, but this is just my 2 cents in dealing with different forms of depression for 2 decades.
  13. Worried, unmotivated, can't focus. I'm also not wanting to go to therapy today. Blah...
  14. I get this from Effexor. It's awful. I've succumb to wearing loose polyester blouses (and black shirts) so the wet spots don't show. The meds don't help? I hate to have to take another med for this side effect. But man is it super uncomfortable to be walking around damp (when it's your entire body) And now that summer weather is about here, ugh. Looking into heavy-duty antiperspirants, but you can't apply them to every part of your body 😞
  15. Is there any chance you could try Lamictal again, but slowly titrate up to a higher dose? 50mg per day is a very sub-therapeutic dose (usually the range is 100-300mg) I just upped my dosage after 2 years, because 100mg was no longer cutting it, maybe due to tolerance. The titration is indeed difficult, each dose can effect you differently. But you must give it a good 2 weeks on each dose to assess if it will work for you. Just a thought as it seemed to work really well for you for 4 years, and the A/Ps, etc cause many negative effects. Maybe another thing to look into is the supplement NAC: https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/nac-benefits#section3 It's a super anti-oxidant proven to regulate/lower levels of Glutamate in the brain (same/similar action to Lamictal). There have been a lot of studies on it helping numerous mental health conditions & initially was used in hospitals to help clear acetaminophen (from overdose) from liver (sorry no time to locate all the clinical studies ).
  16. Following this. I hope some people reply with suggestions. I'm extremely worried about going back to work, it's been several years for me. I'm afraid I will not be able to maintain and manage my illness. I've failed to in the past and can't handle any more failures. Each time it is more traumatizing. I've been researching possibilities but all of the jobs/roles I'm interested in require going into an office full-time. I'm told I'm overqualified for a lot of work and I would be bored miserable in an entry-level type clerical job anyway. The lack of any flexibility kills me. Even if I could have 1 day off per week & start at 10am, that would be a HUGE help. Another dream would be contracts where I could break every 3-6 months, but I've never done freelance type work before and there usually aren't stable medical benefits with that. Will try exploring remote work. Unfortunately, I have so much anxiety (with no office privacy, being surrounded by people, noise, conversations), I can't concentrate on any higher level tasks. I just stew, frozen in panic and want to escape and hide. I can't even work in cafes with headphones on, too much going on. I work much more efficiently at home. 😞 It's got to the point where I ask myself if I should just disclose I have a medical disability, I really don't want to do that... but it is incredibly disabling at times. I don't know what to do.
  17. @BrianOCD I actually took it late last night before bed. I slept fine. Just an upset stomach this morning. I just have a feeling by the time I get up above 75mg though, it will be stimulating and I'll need to switch back to morning. Do you think so? How long have you been on the 300mg? are you feeling any better/or the same? It's still spacing me out, I feel fuzzy, and I seem to be having the same effect you mentioned: the feeling "stuck" when I go to do things. Like getting out of bed for example, getting dressed. Like I'm overthinking everything, which normally, many things I just "do them" without the resistance, its strange. Like I'm in slow motion.
  18. Thanks. wow, 1800mg NAC? Most of the supplements I read have only 100-200mg . Do you know anything about Calcium supplements, and which is the better formulation?
  19. I cooked (and will have leftovers) and gave myself a pedicure What is your typical evening routine?
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