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About gagaMamaMe

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    Wonderfully Mad

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  1. So I'm wondering if I want a Dx if I have to actually ask?? I've had three sessions with my psychologist so far. Before I even saw her I emailed her and told her that I thought I had BPD, that of course I couldn't be sure but I really relate to a lot of the characteristics etc....so we went with that and she is helping me so far with the reasons behind all my fear of abandonement etc... she has made references to things like "people with this type of personality structure.." you weren't "born with this type of personality structure" etc etc....she hasn't told me I have BPD...do I have to ask her? HOnestly..I don't even care really other than to understand myself better...I don't know how I'd react to a true Dx other than I can just put a label on it or explain to others better...(if I wasn't scared to) Anyway....do you mind sharing your story of how you were Diagnosed??
  2. i feel ya. my pdoc tells me to remind myself that its not about him necessarily. its about being abandoned as a child from my father (for me anyway) and that intensity is coming from that. I have to remind myself that there is a good reason I am having those feelings (because of what happened to me as a child) BUT that its not okay for me to freak out on my significant other...it just pushes him away anyway. Then when I remind myself its not really about him it takes all the pressure off of him and I can focus on myself and my healing. anyway ya the whole emotional spiraling, I do that exact same thing, i'm not dx'd yet either but i have this type of "personality structure"
  3. I was like you and just started therapy last week. I told her I thought I had bpd without trying to self dx myself...just trying to give her something to work with. i haven't hope like this EVER. I sought out a therapist who has worked with bpd in particular and was upfont with her about how I felt that I related to bpd symptoms.... I don't know yet if she thinks I have it, but we are working on black and white thinking and she said its going to take a long time, and I believe her. but I can't do this on my own anymore, and with the right dr. I think you can have some hope too.
  4. I just started therapy dealing with bpd issues with no diagnosis as of yet, but we are working that... I'm just curious who here has been put on meds for bpd, and if so, what?
  5. I'm so sorry you are feeling scared. I would be feeling scared and out of control too. I agree that maybe your doc can help if you explain to him carefully and make him understand what you are going through he might be able to make sure the meds are good and begin to help you figure out what you should do. Do you trust your doctor? I hope everything gets better soon.
  6. I dont have schizophrenia but my daughter's father does, and wow if I could ever explain what I see in him, your description of it is that.
  7. hmm I have felt that way before.....but mostly when I was using drugs. After the drug use and Sometimes now I do too but its not extensive. I think most people experience this sometimes but if you are experiencing it to an extent that you can't function or you are extremely scared/paranoid than it may mean you have some kind of psychosis.
  8. So. Today....totally was not great. First, went to church and dd was in the nursery while I taught Sunday School, then napped in the car/home for the next 2.5 hours then my mom really wanted to go get pedicures and that was my gift to her so we were going to do that but I called dd's grandpa (her dad's dad) to see if they would be visiting today because its "their weekend" but I figurd it was Mother's Day they probably wouldn't......well he said yes they were on their way. So all this time I spent NO time with dd on Mother's Day and now I find out her dad is coming to spend time with her. So...then I get really really really irritated because I wanted to take my mom but then we would be rush to get back in time to be there for the visit plus I don't stay for the visits (its better for me that I don't) so I'd have to leave MY HOUSE on MOTHERS DAY so they could have "father/daughter" time. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME. Anyway I got so upset at the nail salon I couldn't even relax because I just wanted to spend time with her and I was wishing I wasn't there and stressing bc we weren't going to be back on time...etc etc. I almost started crying..I'm not kidding you I was tearing up and I was almost shaking...its not like me to get THAT upset. This whole situation really really upset me. My mom ended up having to leave so she would be home in time for their visit. (She supervises) she was done first and then my cousin picked me up. I know I am probably overreacting. But it totally sucked and I let it ruin my day and my mood. And I kept reading on facebook how all these mommies had wonderful mother's day with their husband and children and it made me sad. I've been on edge as it is so this just depressed me further and further. I can't take much more of this. Its like a roller coaster of emotions all the time. I don't know if its PMS or what. But I can't handle this everyday. WORST mother's day ever. I can't believe it. I know it was their weekend, but SERIOUSLY don't you think they might say no we'll let her have this day?? I just figured it was COMMON SENSE. Maybe I'm just crazy...is it just me?? UGH its making me want to cry all over again. I just wanted to have a good mothers day and they ruined it. I sound like a baby and I dont care. I don't care.
  9. Thanks so much. Its just so strange because sometimes I feel like I'm actually depressed. But I'm not really depressed for a very long time just moments when I feel like a total loser. But what you describe seems more like what I experience. It is difficult to focus on past achievements because to me they are just fleeting and I feel like its all luck. Its always a matter of time before I feel like I'm completely lost and I'm a loser of a person. I just hope I can find some things to help me. I can't wait to talk to the doc to see if she can help me. I'm just so afraid of always being this way. I hope I don't have to be. I just want to feel normal. I have a question- with ADD is it normal to feel sluggish? To me, that is depression but I don't know. When I don't have something to focus on like an activity or project or I don't have something to do that day it makes it incredibly hard to get up and start the day. Sometimes I just think of random things to do but doing the smallest things like getting dressed and things like that takes so long and it takes a huge amount of energy. Not to mention things like laundry etc. I wish I had more moments of "hyperfocus" thats when I get everything done. Its just so hard to be so random all the time. Sigh. Thanks so much for listening. I think I will go see if they have that book at Borders tomorrow. I don't want to wait for the mail. LOL.
  10. Thank you all for responding. Feels good to be welcomed here. Well the doc called me this morning and asked if we were confirmed and I told her my situation so she said lets reschedule for next week. She said that whatever we talk about is absorbed by such a small child. I agree to an extent, I wasn't expecting to go into crazy detail about all the crazy stuff but who knows where it could go. I certainly don't want her being exposed to all of it. Anyway....looking forward to next week- I hope I can make it. I really want to start to feel better. I'm so sick of it. So sick. Well, thanks for the welcome!!! Oh yeah about the posting about patients etc- I think that was it. For being my first post it would have sounded really harsh, I just thought that this place was a place you could just be REAL about MI, you know? But I think especially for a first post it was a little too much. The post had a theme of "MI sucks" basically. Because you know what? Sometimes thats just how I feel....and having my dd's bio father having severe schizophrenic symptoms over the past two years has been confusing and heartbreaking...and just....UGH. I finally need to start dealing with the pain involved and hopefully that will bring some healing to me as well. I'm worried that I might have to go on meds at this point- scared that it means I'm a failure and I can't just get it together. And scared that maybe its going to hurt me more somehow. Its getting bad and I'm sick of the ups and downs my whole life has been about. I just want to feel normal. Well, thanks for listening.
  11. wow you sound a lot like me. never thought I'd find someone that sounds like me. except I'd say I'm depressed like 80-85% of the time and the only time I am happy is when I have energy. Anyway I've never taken anything except some meds for anxiety a few years ago- I'm going to a psych tom. we'll see how this goes. And i'll take some advice of doing a mood journal...sounds good. Anyway just thought I'd say I relate.
  12. Thanks so much for replying- yeah tomorrow is a psych appointment. I really hope I make it. I wonder what would happen if I just bring her? Is that extremely tacky and not going to work? She is only 18 months. Anyway.....I'm going to go check out that book. Honestly everything I read about ADD sounds like me. But to me its just normal so I have difficultly actually thinking that I have ADD. I just feel like I'm making it up and I should just be able to "get in the groove" like others say I should. What happens when I just cant? And I always feel like I'm winging it?? I feel like a failure half the time, like I'm never going to completely get it. And I think most people think I'm relatively smart and determined...but if only they could get inside my head. UGH. IT runs like crazy. And I can't coordinate my schedule for anything (as you can see) I always feel like I am bearly sliding into home base. I just want to feel like I'm supposed to. I'm not there right now. But maybe I'm just stressed out- see, thats what everyone says. But its more than that I feel. I duno. I think I will take your advice and make a bulleted list. Thats a good idea. Because I could talk about a million things and feel like I didn't tell her everything I needed to- I think thats why I always lose interest and 'drop out' of therapy. I just ramble when I know clearly what my problems are. They just sound funny when they come out of my mouth. LOL....eh...I'm glad I can post crazy thoughts on here and I don't sound crazy...because I'm really not- just a tad quirky. Anyhoo- thanks again- maybe I'll come back and post how things go at the appointment tomorrow with the psych.
  13. this is my member name- forgot to log on..................
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