So nobody apart from very close family knows that I am bipolar. I have been doing quite well on Lamotrigine and Citalopram for a few years. I cut out Abilify and Dex when my insurance jacked up the prices and I couldn't afford them anymore. I feel like I was more stable when I was taking abilify. I still have Clonazepam for sleep and to prevent freaking out, and ambien which I only take a few times a month when I really need sleep and have been on a roll of not sleeping for a few days. My husband has no idea of the extent of my mental illness past and has some idea of what I am going through currently. He is supportive sometimes. And other times just goes off and tells me I am useless and lazy (because I want to sleep and not do laundry and dishes ... sidenote, he is on disability and home all day every day unless he goes out to a store or some such). Which just makes things worse. So much worse. Half the time that I talk about work, he gets pissed off because I am not at work and shouldn't be thinking about it. (I am an assistant manager at a store that makes more money than Walmart per day). He gets pissed off when my gm calls me to confirm things. He gets pissed off when I contact employees about schedules and other things when I am off. It is killing me.
Today I texted my boss about my cousin who is in a national magazine with her medical analysis company that is doing really well. He got pissed off because I did not go over it with him first. To be honest, I didn't tell him because I was pretty sure that his response would be "Who the fuck cares?"
So now ... I just want to harm. Myself. I took a colonopin to make the thoughts go away. I am going to try to eat. Something. I just feel so torn. Sometimes it is so good and sometimes I feel like a useless piece of shit and just want to get out of this situation.
Just needed to vent. I am ok, I won't do anything. I am not considering abandoning this relationship at the moment. I have in the past and I am sure I will in the future. I am just REALLY FUCKING FRUSTRATED. UGH.
And really don't want to do anything stupid. Dinner. Food. Hopefully that will put me to sleep