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  1. I would love that, a quiet brain. Not so much thinking 'it' but just doing things (working, writing, eating, etc) without the intrusive thought(s) would be so nice! By 'it' I mean my intrusive unwanted thought. I developed an obsession with getting rid of that thought. It's similar to Pure O but doesn't involve different obsessions. In psychology it is called 'ironic process theory' or 'the white bear problem'.
  2. No I don't think I've accepted it. My depression is directly coming from my intrusive thought and because this thought comes and goes (it can go away for a while, but it will always come back) I still have hope somewhere that I can beat it forever. I've been trying this for the last 3 years with some success, but I've failed a lot of times. I know it is possible with medication and the right form of therapy, but I have not found a therapist who truly understands my issue. Most of them want me to acknowledge that I have Pure O and they want to treat it like Pure O. Medication wise I had good results in the past and because I was in remission for such a long time I just refuse to accept it and stop looking for a cure. MBSR (mindfulness based stress reduction) has only made it worse. Especially the meditations, they have never helped me. According to psychologists this form of therapy is one of the best ways to deal with intrusive thoughts. That could be, but as soon as I close my eyes, the 'white bear' takes over and I think my unwanted thought constantly. I can see why Acceptance & Commitment Therarpy can help people with obsessive thoughts. I had high hopes because in theory it is suppose to work. The harder I work, the less I accept the thought. So I stopped with working on it and that seems to work better than doing meditation exercises.
  3. My pdoc didn't really had any useful advice for me. She could understand that I felt uncomfortable and said it was no problem to go off. She was a little surprised about this side effect because I was only taking 1 mg (and 1,5 mg or 2x 1 mg PRN). I was already taking 0.50 for a few days so I will contine with 0.50 mg for a week and then stop. I might try another AAP, probably low dose aripiprazole.
  4. I'm seeing my pdoc this afternoon. No idea what she will advise. Maybe she can tell me about other health risks of high prolactin (although I suppose my levels aren't that high). My period should be starting right about today and I see no sigh of that either. Maybe that means risperidone is messing around with my hormones .... I still lactate a little bit; I have to squeeze to get one of two drops, so it's not leaking. I don't like the sensitivity and my husbands says my breasts look fuller. It's not a big problem, but I don't think risperidone is helping me with my intrusive thought either, so I see no point in staying on it.
  5. Aaargh, this happened to me too! Yesterday morning I was kind of curious, so I squeezed a little and I only saw a little bit of clear fluid. In the evening I pinched the right one and there it was! It was just one drop, but it was disconcerting. I'm on 1 mg of risperidone before bed but occasionally I take 1.5 mg of 2 mg (before bed and in the morning). Not sure what to do though. At first I thought risperidone was helping me but lately I'm losing more hair, my libido is almost non existent and it's making me sleepy during car rides (of course that is when I'm the passenger). I'm still having way too much intrusive thoughts ( 'white bear problems') and I'm not liking the lactating thing..... What did you do? Did you continue with 0.75 mg?
  6. Well, pdoc is a little bit more cooperative. I was having a hard time during our talk this wednesday, couldn't stop crying....I'll see her again next week to talk more about switching meds. Is there anything to say for switching to aripiprazole or another anti-psychotic? We're also increasing the clomipramine again to see if I can tolerate the side effects this time).
  7. Yes....my pdoc doesn't think outside the box that much. Although she's giving me some more freedom lately with dosing with both of my meds. I'm seeing her tomorrow and will ask her about other options, because 1 mg of risperidone and 100 mg of clomipramine just isn't helping enough. But maybe medication doesn't help at all with my kind of issue.
  8. Hi Blahblah! Thanks for your answer to my post! I've been thinking this weekend about what you wrote and what I wanted to say about it. English is not my native language, so bear with me 😉 I think you're right about the combination of therapy and meds. Although I've never reached total remission with this combination. It were the meds that pulled me out of the circle, which was incredible to me because I had so much (CBT)therapy before starting my first SSRI. It really helped, it was like having more space in my mind, between two thoughts. It was such a good feeling to finally get rid of this one specific thought! So in my experience it was possible. Unfortunately it didn't last....after six years the unwanted thought returned (and I don't exactly know why), the Lexapro didn't seem to work anymore and I went back into therapy. A new approach this time. I had talk sessions with a psychologist, I followed a mindfulness based therapy program and after that I had Acceptance & Commitment therapy. Along side I had counselling. I was off meds during that time. I also did a lot of research about retraining my brain. I tried various forms of meditation and self hypnosis. I even followed the OCD yoga protocol by David Shannahoff-Khalsa (a kundalini yoga teacher). Especially mindfulness techniques seemed promising, because you learn to redirect your attention and stay in the present. The problem is....it's not your typical OCD. What I have is the "white bear problem", in psychology also known as "ironic process theory'. With trying to suppress a thought it will only make it worse. But how to fully accept a thought that you don't want is about the hardest thing I've ever done. Just not caring about the thought being in your mind is the key. Vacation is the best therapy for me: new environment, no stress, no anxieties, good company, new things to do and to see....And the unwanted thought gradually fades away. I think it is because I have so much distraction. The mind is distracted of the unwanted thought. Focus shifts to something else without giving it too much effort. And when I notice that I didn't have the unwanted thought for a while I feel better. The longer it gets, the better I feel. I have to find out where the whole problem comes from, but I suspect it's hidden somewhere deep in my brain and has its roots in my childhood. That's why I also had some Schema Therapy. I still have the 'white bear problem' though....
  9. I've been on 1 mg for some time now and I'm not sure if it works better than 0.75 mg because I keep relapsing. I can have incredibly good days with almost no 'white bear problems' at all (when on vacation for example) and those days can be followed by incredibly disappointing days with continuously the same unwanted thought on my mind. (this is when I'm back from that vacation for example). But on the other hand side effects are tolerable. I think I have some hair loss and my libido is low plus I've gained a kilo or 2. At some point the low libido (including the slight anorgasmia) is going to bother me too much..... 😞 What does risperidone exactly do at 1 mg? Which receptors does it hit?
  10. Sigh, I had to go back to 100 mg of clomipramine. I noticed I was having more intrusive thoughts on 75 mg. This was actually a dose that never worked for me, but I hoped I could tolerate the returning symptoms. Which I couldn't..... I've had lots of individual therapy for my OCD. I'm not sure if I could benefit from group therapy. But I am active on a Dutch forum and I find it helpful to listen to others and sharing my knowledge about medication and self help. In my experience medication worked so much better than all the self help books and therapy sessions. Maybe it is because I have such a rare form of OCD. I can't do ERP (which is so important with treating OCD) because I have no rituals. My obsession is to get rid of the intrusive word. So I am in the OCD spectrum, but I recognize much more from the 'ironic process theory' or 'white bear' problem and I need a therapist who really gets this. I don't have the 'standard' Pure O, so it's difficult for others to relate and I can't relate to others with Pure O because I don't have these kind of obsessions.
  11. Maybe this is helpful, it's from the topic I posted recently: Quote from mikl_pls
  12. I think I like risperidone. I take 1 mg before bed, but I've taken 0.5 extra a few times during day time when I felt really uneasy and it helped a bit. It's not the wonder drug for my issue though, but I'll stick with it for now. The first few weeks on clompramine I could feel the noradrenergic effects. Getting out of bed in the mornings, more energy and a bit of a antidepressant effect as well. I wanted to work my way up to 175 mg to benefit more from the serotonergic activity , but side effects were becoming too much (muscle twitches, constipation, shaky hands and tired legs). Trying escitalopram again is a guess....it did poop out....
  13. Good to know 😀 I do wonder if and how it could be a better combination than clomipramine + risperidone. Essentially clomipramine is a SNRI, so in theory an AP should work the same as with a SSRI.
  14. Thanks for the explanation on selective and potent! Really helpful! The only trouble I had with escitalopram was RLS, but it was still tolerable when I was on 20 mg. Maybe if I give it a fair trial on a higher dose it could work out. I do remember it was difficult to come off this med. So starting it again isn't a light decision to make. Is it a good combination with risperidone?
  15. Thanks! So 'selective' is better than 'potent'? I've been off escitalopram for about 3 years now, so maybe it will work again. I remember when I first relapsed that I went from 5 mg of escitalpram to 15 mg and tried it for about 4 weeks. It didn't work out (I only had more side effects) and my gdoc convinced me to stop with antidepressants all together. So maybe I didn't give it a fair try and should have gone higher. My pdoc isn't a doctor who likes thinking outside of the box, so she'll probably won't prescribe anything other than ssri's and ap's.
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