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Bimbo Bear

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    Sandwiches made with organic sand

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  1. {Not sure where this should go, but since I'm Bipolar, I thought I could post this here. Feel free to move this, if you need to.} When I was 14 years old, I had a nightmare about having an abortion. I've never had an abortion in my waking life and I have no awareness of any abortions that happened in my family, but this nightmare hit me incredibly hard. It led to severe feelings of grief afterwards and, nine years later, I'm still hurting from that nightmare. I feel broken and like there is a hole in my heart and soul. I miss the son that I was supposed to have in that dream so very much, and I hurt every time that I think of him because he isn't here with me right now. I decided to start seeing a therapist about this and, basically, she told me that since it doesn't seem very likely that this was something that happened to me that I mentally blocked out, I'm probably suffering from a delusion. Emotionally, I'm resistant to listening to what she has to say because the pain and grief feel so real, but at the same time, I mentally recognize that this wasn't a thing that actually happened in my waking life. So I'm trying to heal from this as best as I can. I have to be able to heal from this, because if I don't, it's only going to make it that much harder for me to work with my clients in the career field that I'm going into (social work). Not only that, but my co-workers may be wary of my ability to function in the workplace if they notice something being off about me. Finally, my future children could suffer from this delusion as well since I have the feeling that, if I don't deal with it by the time they come long, I'll only be able to look at them with sadness, always thinking of that dream baby that never was. I wouldn't be there for them 100% and that wouldn't be fair to them. Ever since I found out that these delusions exist, I've been trying to do some research online for more information on delusions and how to treat them. I thought maybe I could see about ways to keep from feeding into the delusion and just making things worse. I'm having trouble finding out what kind of delusions these are, though. The closest thing I could find was "Cotard Delusion", but that's the delusion that you're a dead person, not that you've lost a loved one that was never even there or are having a strong reaction to the contents of a nightmare. If anyone would happen to know what the word for that might be, I'd truly appreciate letting me know what the term would be. Also... do you think it's wrong of me to still want to sob and mourn over this lost child? Again, I'm trying not to feed into the delusion, but this still hurts a lot...
  2. I've only been on the Lithium for a couple of days. Less than 2 weeks. But you're right, so don't worry. I'll be careful and not get off of the Lithium without talking to my psychiatrist first.
  3. I'm still taking 50mg of Zoloft and, I'm going to be honest with you, it's worked WONDERS for me! Suddenly, I've felt that my connection with God has come back (the Abilify was dulling my ability to feel much else other than contentedness), I've become more social with my family and at school, I feel more motivated to do well in school, I'm not constantly rocking back and forth as much in an attempt to try and soothe myself, and I'm making great strides in improving my quality of life. I've actually started reading again thanks to my attention span coming back, and I'm learning to cook with my grandma! So fun! Just thought I would leave this update here so everyone knew how I was getting along. Also, the 150mg of Lithium isn't really doing anything to make my mood better or worse. Honestly, I feel fine as it is, so I'm thinking of asking my psychiatrist to just discontinue the Lithium altogether. Maybe I don't need it.
  4. No I don't think so. The pain only started after I started taking the Zoloft, so I'm thinking that must be the culprit. It's an odd side effect, though, if I'm being honest.
  5. I've been taking 50mg of Zoloft now for five days and I've had virtually no side effects, for which I am thankful. However, there is one thing that I've noticed since taking the Zoloft. All of a sudden, the top teeth on both the left and right side of my mouth seem to hurt whenever I bite down on things. That was odd, so I looked up what might be causing it and I think maybe I'm clenching my teeth without realizing it? That would certainly explain the pain, but in any case I was wondering something. Do you think the possible teeth clenching will go away after awhile?
  6. Excellent question! I think it's instant release, but I still haven't gotten the pills yet (apparently they needed to submit a request to my insurance) so I'm not sure yet. The starting dose is 150mg for about two weeks, then taking two of the 150mg pills either at separate times or both at the same time.
  7. Similar to my question about Zoloft in the Antidepressants sub forum, I wanted to ask here, when should I take my Lithium dosage? Should I take it in the morning or in the evening? I'm probably going to take my Zoloft in the morning, so should I take my Lithium in the morning too? Or do you think it will do something like make me sleepy and, thus, should best be taken in the evening?
  8. I'm starting on Zoloft and I was wondering, should I take it in the morning or at night? You know, in case it makes me sleepy?
  9. I just recently got prescribed 25mg of Vistaril and it made me sleep really late into the morning or early into the afternoon. Also, it was making me more depressed than usual, so I stopped taking it and I felt a little better. I personally won't be taking it anymore, but I'm glad to hear that it's helping you!
  10. Lately I've been feeling clinically depressed. I think my medications have maybe stopped working because I've been feeling so very down as of late. I've been feeling the urge to hurt myself or to maybe just go away for awhile. I've also been sleeping a lot too, which is a very big sign of depression for me. And lately I've been having some very troubling thoughts, and some stupid ones like the one that I'm about to share. Recently, my grandparents got a puppy. She's cute and all, but very feisty and likes to bite people a lot. At first I was kind of happy to get her as an addition to our little family... but then I found myself resenting her more and more. I'm trying not to hate on this little puppy, but part of me really is resenting her. It's so stupid, but the thing is that I seem to have the irrational belief that my grandparents (particularly my grandmother) loves the puppy more than she loves me. When my sister and I are not around, we can hear her talking sweetly to the puppy. And then sometimes my grandma is really cranky towards us. I get that part since she's an old lady, but even still... I've been feeling like maybe my grandma is replacing me with the puppy. What a stupid idea, right? People can't be replaced with animals, that's just dumb... and yet, here I am, hiding away in my room with our cat and using her as my emotional support system (I cuddle with her to try to feel better). I must sound absolutely pathetic, getting jealous over a puppy that hasn't even been here for a week. I sound like a child... and I'm feeling like one too, if I'm being completely honest here. Depression and dysfunctional thoughts really suck. It's making me start to wonder just how much my grandparents would miss me if I were to just one day go away for awhile. I know, logically, that they would be heartbroken and miss me dearly, but my dysfunctional brain tells me that maybe they'd be more happy without me here... I'm really dumb.
  11. It's been working alright I guess, except that I still don't feel any drive to do any hobbies. At first I felt like it was my fault, but no matter how much I try to engage in activities that once made me feel joy, it doesn't do much of anything. So I think maybe it's still the depression.
  12. Okay so I may be in the market for a medication change right about now. Abilify has been working great for me, but I dislike how it has been affecting communication with my alters. Not only that, but I haven't engaged in any hobbies since I've been on Abilify. Thus, I'm thinking about asking my psychiatrist for a mood stabilizer along with an antidepressant. If I'm to go on any mood stabilizer, I think I might want it to be Lithium since it seems to be the least bad when it comes to side effects. But it might not be enough to have Lithium alone since I also struggle with severe depression. I looked it up on a drug interactions checker and it looks like Lithium and antidepressants have major interactions? It's kind of scary, but I just wanted to be sure. Has anyone else taken Lithium with antidepressants (like Zoloft)? If so, were you okay on it, and did it help you at all? Sorry if this is a dumb question.
  13. I've only ever tried Lexapro. But yeah, I'll keep that in mind as I continue trying to find the right medications for me.
  14. Nope, I've never been on an Zoloft and Abilify combo before, but I have been on Lexapro and an AAP before (I think it was Latuda or Abilify). The Lexapro just made me sleepy and did nothing for my mood, so yeah... As for the antihistamine problem, I didn't take my hydroxyzine last night and I feel SO much better today! So you'd best believe that I'm not taking that anymore. I've taken Cetrizine as well (for allergies) and I realized that it made my mood terrible as well. So I may want to steer clear of sleepy allergy medication from now on. I've read a ton of really good reviews about it, plus it treats a lot more than anxiety and depression, which is good for me as I also have OCD and PTSD symptoms that could be treated by it. Well, the biggest symptoms of my depression are the inability to get out of bed or do anything meaningful or enjoyable with my time. I do have anxiety also, but that is managed very well with my Abilify it seems, so yeah. And I would try Lexapro again, but it only causes me to feel sleepy and yawn all of the time. It's unpleasant and I've already tried it twice, so that's why I'm looking to try Zoloft next.
  15. Well, these last few weeks have been absolute hell for me. I'm not sure what happened, but ever since messing with my dosage (under a doctor's supervision) then going back up to 10mg of Abilify, I've discovered that I feel worse than ever... but, at the same time, I was given 25mg of an antihistamine (Hydroxyzine) to help me sleep at night. I suspect that's what's been keeping me asleep until noon on a good day. Maybe it's also been worsening my depression, but I can't be sure. Hmm... But, aside from that, I have been struggling with my depression for a few years now and have been ignoring the problem. But now, things have been so bad that I've finally decided to speak up about it with my psychiatrist. I told her about my struggling with depression despite being on the Abilify for all of this time, but that hasn't done much since she just told me to see if being on 10mg of the Abilify would help me feel better again... even though I've been on that same dosage for years now and have still been struggling. I feel like I'm about at my wit's end. I'm about ready to schedule another meeting with my psychiatrist, but she's on vacation and there's no back up psychiatrist that I can see. So, I guess I'll just need to suck it up and just wait to see her again in January. It sucks, but it's something I'll have to do. And the next time that I see her, I was thinking about asking her to put me on Zoloft to go along with the Abilify, since right now I'm just taking the Abilify alone. Is that weird? To go in already having an idea of what medication you'd like to be placed on? I mean, I think it might be alright, especially since whenever she suggests medications to give me, they are either not covered by my insurance or they are medications that she's prescribed to me before that have not worked. I hope I'm not whining too much about this medication situation, seeing as this is my third post on the subject. I'm just struggling so much and feel so tired of this (both mentally and physically).
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