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About x_lifeless

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Ontario, Canada.
  • Interests
    Rory (my love) <br />My interests when things interest me include,<br /><br />Music, writing and reading poetry, coffee & iced cappucinos, black eyeliner, sex, train rides, eating gummy bears, destruction, more things that will come to mind later.
  1. How you holdin up girl? We have a death and dying thread, I have a thread over there about my late husband, there are several other Processing threads, so to speak, on that forum. Maybe when/if you feel comfortable and wanna write about it and get ongoing support.... I'm holding up okay, I think. Although whenever I try to talk about the funeral, more tears come. Down one of the hallways, there were photo collages of her as she was growing up. So many beautiful photos. Take 5 or 6 steps and you'd reach another collage with photos of her at a different time of her life. After the funeral service was over, my friend and I talked about denial, and how it doesn't feel like she's gone. Apparently that's also the first stage of grief. We spoke with her mother, and she gave us both hugs. I really don't think I can write anymore at the moment, but I want to thank you all for your replies. They were very sweet.
  2. Thank you for the replies... I'm going. I found a plain black top. It may be a few years old, but it fits fine. The funeral service is at 2 PM, and I'm leaving at 1:30 PM. So, I have 2 and a half hours until I leave. Are you supposed to wear make-up to funerals? Because the tears are going to do a fantastic job of washing it all off. I stuffed a bunch kleenexes into my purse, because the snot just pours when I'm crying. I can't believe I'm actually going to a place where it's appropriate to cry hysterically. Imagine that. I looked up the memorial service website last night, and as soon as I saw her name listed in the Obituaries section, I burst into tears all over again. (This was after I attempted the nap I mentioned going to take before) My boyfriend just happened to phone me 5 minutes into my crying session, and he listened to nothing but ear damaging sobbing for a full hour. Anything I said besides wailing, I don't think he could make sense of anyway. She's gone. She's truly gone. She had just become an aunt a week before her death. I don't know what to say to her family besides, "I'm sorry for your loss." I don't know if I'll get a chance to speak to any of her family members at all. I can't do this. I feel so sick. I'm sure there not many ways to prepare myself into better handling the funeral... but I really hope I can contain myself from getting too loud while crying. 2 hours until I leave.
  3. I'm wailing my head off right now so this might not make much sense. My boyfriend was in a car accident a few days ago. He's okay, but has a few injuries. I cried and cried thinking about how close he was to death. I get a phone call from an old best friend about 5 days ago informing me that our friend (my other old best friend, before I moved and we lost touch) had been taken to the hospital. She took ecstasy (apparently a lot of other drugs over a few years) with a girlfriend and collapsed outside of Zellers, and it wasn't looking good that she would live. But 4 days later I was told that she was breathing on her own. Then, the next morning she passes away. 10 am. So much hope for her, and now she's gone. So fucking many regrets over not phoning her sooner to catch up. Now it's too late for that. Oh god I'm not making sense. I can barely type out what's in my head. I'm attending her funeral tomorrow, and what am I crying over? The fact that I have no plain black tops to wear. Not even dark blue. And going out to buy one seems unbearable. And I'm sure the tears are more over Teresas death, than over lack of clothing to wear.. but oh god I don't know my head is pounding so so hard.. I'll be known as the person who didn't attend her close friends funeral because she had no plain black tops. awful awful awful migraine pills then attempt some sleep. I can't focus. This may not be in the right place, feel free to move it. I should probably erase it later seeing as its all babbling and gibberish and not worded as properly as it could be if I were able to stop crying
  4. I'm really distracted right now, and can't quite focus on replying to these posts. I'll get to it soon enough, I hope. But I wanted to say they were all so, so helpful. You guys are wonderful.
  5. You're absolutely correct. I'm pretty damn discouraged about hospitals due to being accepted into the best (supposedly and it was a huge waiting list to get in) hospital in Ontario, Canada called the Whitby Mental Health Centre. A 2 month stay didn't help me at all. I've been to the hospital here in Ajax, and one in Pickering (I think that's where it was), called Rouge Valley. I guess I could try one in Oshawa, assuming there is one. I don't know. I'm fed up with all of this. I think that's something I might be willing to do. I'm supposed to be doing a major move within the next month or so, however long it takes after I take in my filled out passport application on Monday. I guess I could wait until I get settled in, see how I feel about my new surroundings. I don't believe it will be much different, but I'll see. It feels like I've been doing so much waiting, like I've been waiting to die for far too long. For now, I think I'm going to go take a shower. Feeling clean might improve my mood a bit at the moment. I noticed you said you're fairly new to CB though, Cetkat. I hope you've been enjoying your time here.
  6. I did have a sleep-aid, but I ran out. I think a call is definitely necessary for more sleep medication. Thank you so much for your reply.
  7. Well, the reason why I'm beyond hesitant to get my ass over to the hospital, is because I have had a staff or two make it out to be not serious. If they felt that way, I'm sure others have thought that about me as well. I know I should probably ask for help, but how do I feel about asking? It's very childish, and goes something like, "but I don't WANNA." Voicing that I need help, means they'll be working towards helping me stay alive. I really don't want that. I don't mean to be saying all this to shoot your suggestions down, or seem rude about what you have typed. It feels like that's what I'm doing ( ), but please know your response is appreciated. I'm not sure what to say. I don't know what replies I expected to get out of what I posted. Of course, replies telling me not to go through with this. I should have known nobody is going to encourage me to kill myself. I just.. feel that my mind is made up about this. No going back type of thing. It's a matter of how and when. Oh god I'm a wailing mess.
  8. I feel that way too. I got 11 hours last night and I'm EXHAUSTED. I'll probably take a nap soon. I don't have any answers to your question, but I know how it is with needing loads of sleep.
  9. Wow. I didn't expect to get so many replies. Well, seeing as it's the next day, I'm not so angry anymore. I cried and screamed as loud as I could for about 45 minutes, and that seemed to do the trick. Then after exhausting myself, I took a nap. Thank you all for your wonderful suggestions though, and I will definitely be using a few of these the next time I find myself jam packed with unbearable rage.
  10. I am so fucking angry. I can't handle it. I just had a fucking STUPID conversation with my boyfriend, and now I want to kill him. When I am mad, I get these insane urges to just KILL the person. I want to kill him. I WANT TO FUCKING KILL HIM. Oh god I don't know how to calm down. I don't know how to release this in a healthy way. and now I can't stop crying. I want to fucking kill myself
  11. No offense has been taken from your post, since you are correct in everything you've said. After I have reported my boyfriends mother, how do I get my boyfriend to talk to someone about HIS sexual abuse that he suffered through when he was younger? Also, we have no way of proving that child pornography was on there in the first place. But yes, after hearing about my boyfriends sexual abuse trauma, it CANNOT (and will not) continue with his younger brother. However, I'd really like to also get my boyfriend some councelling after having been through this. I'm aware I can't force it on him.. but, I just feel so helpless.
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