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x_lifeless

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Everything posted by x_lifeless

  1. How you holdin up girl? We have a death and dying thread, I have a thread over there about my late husband, there are several other Processing threads, so to speak, on that forum. Maybe when/if you feel comfortable and wanna write about it and get ongoing support.... I'm holding up okay, I think. Although whenever I try to talk about the funeral, more tears come. Down one of the hallways, there were photo collages of her as she was growing up. So many beautiful photos. Take 5 or 6 steps and you'd reach another collage with photos of her at a different time of her life. After the funeral service was over, my friend and I talked about denial, and how it doesn't feel like she's gone. Apparently that's also the first stage of grief. We spoke with her mother, and she gave us both hugs. I really don't think I can write anymore at the moment, but I want to thank you all for your replies. They were very sweet.
  2. Thank you for the replies... I'm going. I found a plain black top. It may be a few years old, but it fits fine. The funeral service is at 2 PM, and I'm leaving at 1:30 PM. So, I have 2 and a half hours until I leave. Are you supposed to wear make-up to funerals? Because the tears are going to do a fantastic job of washing it all off. I stuffed a bunch kleenexes into my purse, because the snot just pours when I'm crying. I can't believe I'm actually going to a place where it's appropriate to cry hysterically. Imagine that. I looked up the memorial service website last night, and as soon as I saw her name listed in the Obituaries section, I burst into tears all over again. (This was after I attempted the nap I mentioned going to take before) My boyfriend just happened to phone me 5 minutes into my crying session, and he listened to nothing but ear damaging sobbing for a full hour. Anything I said besides wailing, I don't think he could make sense of anyway. She's gone. She's truly gone. She had just become an aunt a week before her death. I don't know what to say to her family besides, "I'm sorry for your loss." I don't know if I'll get a chance to speak to any of her family members at all. I can't do this. I feel so sick. I'm sure there not many ways to prepare myself into better handling the funeral... but I really hope I can contain myself from getting too loud while crying. 2 hours until I leave.
  3. I'm wailing my head off right now so this might not make much sense. My boyfriend was in a car accident a few days ago. He's okay, but has a few injuries. I cried and cried thinking about how close he was to death. I get a phone call from an old best friend about 5 days ago informing me that our friend (my other old best friend, before I moved and we lost touch) had been taken to the hospital. She took ecstasy (apparently a lot of other drugs over a few years) with a girlfriend and collapsed outside of Zellers, and it wasn't looking good that she would live. But 4 days later I was told that she was breathing on her own. Then, the next morning she passes away. 10 am. So much hope for her, and now she's gone. So fucking many regrets over not phoning her sooner to catch up. Now it's too late for that. Oh god I'm not making sense. I can barely type out what's in my head. I'm attending her funeral tomorrow, and what am I crying over? The fact that I have no plain black tops to wear. Not even dark blue. And going out to buy one seems unbearable. And I'm sure the tears are more over Teresas death, than over lack of clothing to wear.. but oh god I don't know my head is pounding so so hard.. I'll be known as the person who didn't attend her close friends funeral because she had no plain black tops. awful awful awful migraine pills then attempt some sleep. I can't focus. This may not be in the right place, feel free to move it. I should probably erase it later seeing as its all babbling and gibberish and not worded as properly as it could be if I were able to stop crying
  4. I'm really distracted right now, and can't quite focus on replying to these posts. I'll get to it soon enough, I hope. But I wanted to say they were all so, so helpful. You guys are wonderful.
  5. You're absolutely correct. I'm pretty damn discouraged about hospitals due to being accepted into the best (supposedly and it was a huge waiting list to get in) hospital in Ontario, Canada called the Whitby Mental Health Centre. A 2 month stay didn't help me at all. I've been to the hospital here in Ajax, and one in Pickering (I think that's where it was), called Rouge Valley. I guess I could try one in Oshawa, assuming there is one. I don't know. I'm fed up with all of this. I think that's something I might be willing to do. I'm supposed to be doing a major move within the next month or so, however long it takes after I take in my filled out passport application on Monday. I guess I could wait until I get settled in, see how I feel about my new surroundings. I don't believe it will be much different, but I'll see. It feels like I've been doing so much waiting, like I've been waiting to die for far too long. For now, I think I'm going to go take a shower. Feeling clean might improve my mood a bit at the moment. I noticed you said you're fairly new to CB though, Cetkat. I hope you've been enjoying your time here.
  6. I did have a sleep-aid, but I ran out. I think a call is definitely necessary for more sleep medication. Thank you so much for your reply.
  7. Well, the reason why I'm beyond hesitant to get my ass over to the hospital, is because I have had a staff or two make it out to be not serious. If they felt that way, I'm sure others have thought that about me as well. I know I should probably ask for help, but how do I feel about asking? It's very childish, and goes something like, "but I don't WANNA." Voicing that I need help, means they'll be working towards helping me stay alive. I really don't want that. I don't mean to be saying all this to shoot your suggestions down, or seem rude about what you have typed. It feels like that's what I'm doing ( ), but please know your response is appreciated. I'm not sure what to say. I don't know what replies I expected to get out of what I posted. Of course, replies telling me not to go through with this. I should have known nobody is going to encourage me to kill myself. I just.. feel that my mind is made up about this. No going back type of thing. It's a matter of how and when. Oh god I'm a wailing mess.
  8. I feel that way too. I got 11 hours last night and I'm EXHAUSTED. I'll probably take a nap soon. I don't have any answers to your question, but I know how it is with needing loads of sleep.
  9. Wow. I didn't expect to get so many replies. Well, seeing as it's the next day, I'm not so angry anymore. I cried and screamed as loud as I could for about 45 minutes, and that seemed to do the trick. Then after exhausting myself, I took a nap. Thank you all for your wonderful suggestions though, and I will definitely be using a few of these the next time I find myself jam packed with unbearable rage.
  10. I am so fucking angry. I can't handle it. I just had a fucking STUPID conversation with my boyfriend, and now I want to kill him. When I am mad, I get these insane urges to just KILL the person. I want to kill him. I WANT TO FUCKING KILL HIM. Oh god I don't know how to calm down. I don't know how to release this in a healthy way. and now I can't stop crying. I want to fucking kill myself
  11. No offense has been taken from your post, since you are correct in everything you've said. After I have reported my boyfriends mother, how do I get my boyfriend to talk to someone about HIS sexual abuse that he suffered through when he was younger? Also, we have no way of proving that child pornography was on there in the first place. But yes, after hearing about my boyfriends sexual abuse trauma, it CANNOT (and will not) continue with his younger brother. However, I'd really like to also get my boyfriend some councelling after having been through this. I'm aware I can't force it on him.. but, I just feel so helpless.
  12. I didn't know what other board to go to, but since this thread could possibly contain stuff about sexual molestation, I need some help. I just got off the phone with my boyfriend, who brought up something that is really troubling me. I know he has a lot of things from his past that he refuses to talk about, but every now and then he lets something slip. We got into the topic of him finding child pornography on his computer (a while ago, it has long been deleted), and how he is almost sure it was downloaded by his mother. He also thinks that something may be going on with his younger brother, since his mom still wants his brother to sleep in a bed with her. His brother is 10 years old. After more talking, I asked him if he had ever been molested by his mother. He told me that he had come to the conclusion that what had been happening to him (my boyfriend) when he was younger, was in fact sexual abuse. He came to the conclusion when he was 14/15, he's now 20 years old. His exact words were along the lines of "Yes, it was disturbing when I realized it all when I was 14 or 15, and I probably needed to talk about it then, but there's no point now. I barely think about it. I just try to forget about it." I told him that pushing things away never fully makes them disappear, and since he has never mentioned this to anybody, he should be talking about it. I know I can't force him into something he isn't ready for, especially when he thinks he's "over it" and nothing can "make him feel better about it anyway", but I think.. it IS something that needs to be talked about. I am so worried, and I care about him so much. It frightens me more, knowing that his mother has a job working with children. She's done a lot of work with children, as well as adopt 2 kids. She could still be doing this! Possibly to his younger brother! and I'm outraged to know that she has done this already to her SON. Especially since children are so trusting when they're young, and they would never expect a parent to violate them like that. It hurts me to know he's been through this, and he wants to just "forget about it." Does anybody have any advice? Should I still bring up the idea of a psychiatrist? He told me that he -will- eventually talk about it, but he only wants to talk about it with me, and not a professional. I told him that I'd definitely be willing to discuss it further (although not on the phone like we were just a few minutes ago), but that a professional who has dealt with people who have been traumatized like this, could help him deal better. (A lot better than I can) I have no idea of what to do now that I've found all of this out.. Edit: just another thing I forgot to mention, it's not just sexual abuse he has dealt with, but also physical and emotional that he is still dealing with. (She once tried to run him over with her car even.) I've known she has a LOT of problems, but I never knew it had went so far as sexual abuse. He is also more worried about how I'm handling this! than how he is dealing with this.
  13. Hm, well to answer the question, yes I did have a talk with him last night. But.. I didn't bring up that my jealousy of other women was also coming from his email. Although, he brought up that he knew I had snooped in his email (since he knows me well enough to know i'd do that.. if he gave it to me) he said he had no problem with me doing that, and that i could even delete all the emails in there that weren't from me. it made me feel a bit better to know that if he didn't mind me reading anything in there, than nothing in there is of huge importance. he -did- tell me he's going to change his password though. which i guess, even though i'll be left wondering, it's for the best. and lost, for being drunk, you can type large(ish) words pretty damn well. but the beginning of your second reply definitely confused me. Thank you all so much for your replies. They've helped a lot.
  14. Someone who understands! Thank god. It does feel like it's eating away at me. Honestly, I don't know if I am taking things out of context from what I read, or if it really is something he should NOT be saying. I mean, there really are some things I do NOT want him mentioning at all to other girls. I'll put an example here of something that he wrote in an email: "anyhooter, you shouldn't be cranky because, I'm the sexiest man alive, and luckily enough you get to be near me =p ...oh g0d...My ego is almost as big as my peni....uhhh peninsula! yeah...that's it..." and another example! (please tell me if I'm overreacting, and these examples really are nothing): "and try not to date too many losers ok? it's getting pretty old =p you should just find someone like...err..me and stick with him, but that's impossible <sigh> cuz nobody is like Rover he's special!" It seems like he's suggesting to her that she should be with him.. fuck. That's the thing- I don't know if I should bring it up, because I know he'll just shrug it off as completely nothing, but I'll still be FURIOUS about it all. Getting him to change his password sounds like a good idea, but now that I've had access, if I can't get back in, I know I'll drive myself all the more crazy wondering what he's hiding in there! AH. it's lose lose situation. .. and now I can't stop crying over this! Shit.
  15. Looking in a boyfriends email is NEVER a good idea, but it's not my fault since he gave me his password. Well, ugh. We've been together for 2 years, but lately, I find my possessiveness (a.k.a. MINE- GET THE FUCK AWAY) is getting more and more intense. I found emails to an ex (they were extremely good friends before they decided to go out, and broke it off because it felt creepy after being such great friends), that are about 7 months old, and after reading about their "pet" names for eachother (Rover & Tootsie) -GAG-, and reading the flirtacious emails, I wanted to shoot myself. I don't know if I can handle being in a relationship with him, when I want to GUT any woman who talks to him. Now I am perfectly aware he cannot avoid women, but that is how I feel. This is killing me. Are there any others out there who know what this is like? I love him so fucking much, but I can't put up with these thoughts. I'm trying to understand why this is such a big deal for me, and why I can't handle him socializing with women. Maybe it's because I don't trust him enough? Or it could be my incredibly low self esteem, thinking anyone else is better than me. But no matter where this is coming from, I don't know what to do about it. I really don't want to break things off with him, but as I said, this is killing me. Any suggestions on how to deal with this better? Or.. any suggestions at all?
  16. I can't stand phone calls. My heart POUNDS, and when I answer the phone, I suddenly find myself out of breath. Often people ask, "Did you just run a marathon or something?" when I was about 3 steps from the phone. Even worse is when I have to call someone. I rarely RARELY (if ever) do it. Heh. Oh god, and when me and my brother want to order a pizza. . . Me: You call. Brother: No you call. Me: Nooo.. just do it. Brother: No YOU do it. Me: nevermind. I'll go without the damn pizza. GAH.
  17. Thank you both so much for your replies. "Have you (or your pdoc) ever thought of trying a mood stabilizer?" Is Lithium a mood stabilizer? If so, she's brought that up, but at the time I turned it down. I could always bring up the topic of a mood stabilizer again though, as it could be quite helpful.. No worries revlow, the possibility of Bipolar doesn't scare me. I could definitely have it brought up. Thanks for the link as well! CrazySoprano- It's always good to hear that there's somebody listening. I've noticed that too. Most people I talk to that are MI, seem to be extremely intelligent. Hmm.. I've never heard of a GED, and have no clue what it stands for, but I'll google it, and see what I can find. Thank you. I'll try to keep posting, but I usually do more lurking around the site, as I have been doing for the longest time. I'm very shy about posting, but I'm sure that shyness will fade the more I post!
  18. Here I am. Until I do something.. anything!- here I fucking sit. Day after agonizing day, with the realization that, hey, you've accomplished shit! I'm not in school, and whose fault is that? No ones but my own. I don't even believe I'll graduate! Because all I've got so far is my grade 9 credits, nothing else. (I was even LUCKY to get the credits for the 2nd half of grade 9, due to hospitalizations) and why is that? Because during the middle of the year, I freak out, come to a standstill, where I see that I need to put a stop to all the days of school I miss while sobbing, wailing, weeping.. howling like a god damn animal
  19. Hmmm.. I was on Wellbutrin at 150 mg. Then it went up to 300 mg and I took that for a few weeks. I ended up stopping cold turkey and well, nothing happened. At least not any noticable side effects of stopping it at all. I still agree though with everybody else that has replied, that you should ask a pharmacist. I was okay, but stopping cold turkey could be different for you.
  20. Hm. That's funny. (not haha funny of course) To live is to suffer has been my screen name for months, and I say it too much.
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