Jump to content


  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location

Recent Profile Visitors

The recent visitors block is disabled and is not being shown to other users.

  1. Fluent in Silence that's pretty much exactly it. If I could just stop fighting with myself then it would be so much easier to get through life. But the two parts never get along. I guess the "good" part tries to be a bit compassionate to the bad side, but not that successfully. Bad me has done a lot to fuck things up and good me has to deal with the consequences of that. Ananke and echolocation I've never thought of bad me as being sick or symptoms of my illness. I guess with PD's its so hard to separate illness from person, and I find it hard to imagine a life where I won't be constantly fighting. I know part of some therapies is to accept the bad parts and stop fighting, but I feel like if I do that it won't end well. Bad me is always escalating and is insanely reckless and impulsive. But trying to understand that bad me is unwell might be helpful - I can hopefully be more compassionate.
  2. This might sound crazy, but I feel like I'm split into two halves of myself - I call them "Good Tiffany*" and "Bad Tiffany". Good Tiffany is kind and friendly, and thinks that she deserves and is worthy of love and friends, despite being a bit flawed. She wants to succeed in life and be the best version of herself and 'get better' I suppose. Then there is Bad Tiffany. Bad Tiffany just wants death and destruction, basically. She wants to kill herself, and self harm to the bone, and jump out of windows and drink until she passes out and does crazy reckless stuff because she doesn't care or believe she deserves any better. Bad Tiffany loathes herself and wants to escape the world and everything in it. I feel like these two halves of me are constantly fighting and I am always struggling to keep them balanced. When I am well, they're fairly balanced and I can usually compromise between the two. But when I get depressed, then Good Tiffany gives up and its all Bad Tiffany and things get dangerous really quickly. I feel like my big borderline struggle is keeping Bad Tiffany in check. Does this sound relatable to anyone? I worry that if I bring it up in therapy (not that I'm getting any therapy at the moment), I'll sound slightly mad. I know that I'm one person, but I'm constantly fighting with myself and I'm getting tired. Bad Tiffany has been overpowering lately and I need some camaraderie/connection. I'm sorry if this post is a bit all over the place - haven't been sleeping lately. *not my real name, obvs
  3. That's a good idea - would be worth a shot anyway! At the moment i'm still on the 'I'm gonna withdraw myself from all support' warpath, but if I do decide to stay then I will try that
  4. I've been stuck in this awful cycle lately - go to my mental health appointment, be asked about self harm, admit that I have done it recently, agree to let a doctor have a look at my cuts, and then get shipped off to the emergency room. The most annoying part is when the community doctor (GP or pdoc) thinks that I have an infection and that I need antibiotics very urgently and that I will get sepsis and its all very serious etc, and so they force me to go to the ED, but the doctor there never thinks they're infected, and I just leave again with a few stitches! Its happened twice now and its so frustrating because its just wasting everyone's time. I don't get how there can be such huge inconsistencies between the GP's opinion of infection and the ED doctor's opinion - I feel like the GP should ring and check first, before forcing me to go there. I know that ED doctors obviously see the worst cases of everything, which is why things are never that severe to them, but surely the GP should be at least slightly on their level of thinking. I had one GP a few weeks ago section me under the mental health act and literally force me to go to the hospital because he was so concerned, and the doctor at the hospital thought it was a massive overreaction. It was so traumatic and awful. I'm so over it and am on the verge of withdrawing myself completely from all mental health treatment. Its just an endless cycle of questions and useless meetings and nothing. God maybe I will get sepsis and it will put an end to everything. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense and is quite ranty. I'm just so done! (Haha I am also aware that a simple solution to this problem would be to stop self harming, but thats a bit beyond me at the moment).
  5. Thanks for replying Echolocation I actually have never really thought about how I do when I go without sh, but its definitely something i'll think about. Obviously I can manage without it! I just have to train myself to stop thinking its my only option. Its like, as soon as it becomes an option, then suddenly it feels like its my only one. I think learning to just sit with distress instead of needing to immediately alleviate it is a big thing for me. I get what you mean about it feeling like a bother. I was self harming pretty badly last year and it just became a drag. So much cleaning to do afterwards and I was always in pain and always washing blood off my clothes and sheets. And always having to make time for doctor's appointments to get stitches removed. I'm not quite ready to make my environment safe (like get rid of sharps etc), but its something i'll work towards. I'm very glad that I found this forum. I lost most of my friends over the years of being unwell so its nice to be able to talk things through with people going through similar things.
  6. Yesterday I relapsed after 10 months (!) clean. I wasn't really thinking - I just went to cut mindlessly. And I just couldn't make myself stop (even after I got it to the depth I wanted). So it was much deeper than I had initially planned so I decided to go to the ED for stitches, which I hate doing, but I'd rather get stitches than it get infected and have to take antibiotics (I haven't been able to physically swallow pills for a while now). I just feel so stupid! I was doing so well and now I have stitches again. But at the same time, I really really want to do it again, and worse. I feel like i'll never be able to get rid of self harm. Sorry that this post isn't really anything. I just wanted to get it off my chest. (the downside of having no treatment is that there is no one to talk things through with!)
  7. Thanks Wooster - I'm mostly glad I didn't die as well. WinterRosie, I'm not really sure. In the past its definitely been a big struggle of mine. How to stay safe when feeling impulsive and self-destructive
  8. Hi everyone - bit of an update. 10/10 would NOT recommend this! I did end up massively ODing - got rushed to hospital and was only discharged a couple of days ago. It was really really horrible. I was given activated charcoal via a naso-gastric tube (anyone who has had this will know how disgusting it is), and litres and litres of antidote and misc drugs. I was throwing up constantly the whole time I was there, and couldnt keep anything down. I've stopped my regular meds cold turkey as the thought of swallowing pills makes me gag. By the end I was throwing up so violently that I wet myself every time (as a 22 year old female this was incredibly embarrassing!). I got really sick and ended up in acute liver failure, and came incredibly close to dying. They had to call a code on me a couple of times. I got discharged on monday night as soon as I was medically stable. The psych follow up was pretty rubbish, but as I was an IP only a few months ago I guess they were fairly reluctant to readmit me, which I'm grateful about. I'm pretty devastated because I completely missed my last ever appointment with my tdoc, and have still yet to meet my new one. At this stage I'm going to move back in with my parents, as they've decided me living away from home is too dangerous. The doctors in ED said it was the biggest OD they've ever seen, and I am incredibly lucky to be alive. Liver is still dodgy but is apparently tracking in the right direction. Thank you all so much for your support and kind words through this. I definitely should have followed your advice, but wasn't in a place to do so at all. I just have to say, if anyone else is considering taking an OD, please please reconsider. Definitely not a pleasant way to die. Tiff xx
  9. Thanks so much for your kind responses everyone. I will try and take what you're saying into consideration. I'll let you know how I go
  10. Cerberus - you're right - reading back through my post I did say 'at the moment' a lot. I guess I do understand its not a sensible decision, and if I can manage to let the wave pass then I'll be ok. I have been planning it for about a week now, so it doesn't feel like one of my usual impulse decisions, but I know that doesn't necessarily mean its well thought out. I'm not in a good enough mood to be proactive enough to throw my medication out. I know if I do I'll be mad at myself in the morning. But i'll try and sleep on it, and maybe I'll feel differently once I've slept (its almost 4am here in Australia, and I haven't slept, which I'm sure isn't helping). Thank you all so much for your support. It really means a lot to me
  11. I was in hospital a couple of months ago for similar reasons, a few of my really close family members are really sick, one of my oldest friends died unexpectedly 3 weeks ago, I had to drop out of uni, I lost my scholarship and I just ended a long-term abusive relationship. I just feel like I can't take anymore. I have major trust issues and it took me a long time to trust my current therapist, and I'm not sure how I'll manage without his support. Liver failure is what I'm really scared of. I know its horrible and long and painful. But if it happens, its probably what I deserve. Thank you for your kind words and support. I'll try my hardest to delay and talk it through first, but I'm not feeling all that optimistic.
  12. Thanks Gearhead. I know its not an ideal situation, but I'm just really struggling, and my tdoc leaving is just the cherry on top of the pain cake at the moment. He told me he's known for a couple of weeks now, but didn't tell me earlier as I was away and he wanted to tell me in person. I'm really upset because he's the best therapist i've ever seen - and i've seen a lot! I feel really betrayed and mad at him, but I know he did his best to let me know with as much notice as possible. He was also my case manager, so we had a closer relationship than usual. I'm meeting my new case manager tomorrow during our last appointment - not getting a new tdoc, she'll be a social worker. The service I'm at want to refer me to a specialist personality disorder clinic, but its got about a 2 month waiting list. So no therapy until then. I know its childish but I really don't want to even meet my new case manager. Thanks for answering my question - I think if I survive but don't recover, I'll need a liver transplant, which is something i definitely don't want to go through. I just still feel like its my only option right now. Rock, meet hard place.
  13. Hi guys, I wasnt sure where to post this - please move or delete if its in the wrong spot. I wont go into too much detail, as I dont want to be triggery or describe something inappropriate, but I've decided tomorrow to take a large overdose of an over the counter medication. (Pretty common overdose one). A lot of stuff has been going on in my life recently, and last week my therapist told me he is leaving (our last appt is tomorrow). I've thought it through lots, and researched thoroughly, and I feel like this is my only option at the moment. I'm fairly confident that I've got enough for it to be permanent, but I wanted to check on here and see if anyone else has had similar experiences taking massive overdoses and surviving? Was there any long-term damage? Did you recover fully? Or did it completely ruin your life and your health? From what I've read there are three outcomes - 1, recover completely. 2, recover but have huge long-term health consequences. and 3, fatal. To be honest I'm not really even sure if i'm making the right decision, but it feels like the only one at the moment. I'm scared both of it working and of it not working. I know you guys will feel obligated to get me to seek help, but I really just want to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation and what the outcome was.
  14. Thanks Wooster - I'll try. Part of my self-harm thing is interfering with wound healing, but I'll try and suck it up for these ones. I don't want to end up with sepsis or necrosis or anything.
  15. They're a week and a week and a half old respectively - still completely open and weeping. I don't think the infection is too bad - they're a bit red around the edges but not excessively and there is no shooting red stripes or anything. Its more that they're still completely open and when I do cover them up, they immediately soak through the dressing and start to smell (gross!). From experience my wounds take a long time to heal, but I've never had ones this bad without stitches before, so I'm thinking they will take a looonnngggg time. I actually saw a different doctor in the ED a couple of days ago - he didn't seem concerned. I had no dressing on at the time but they were dry then. Same goes with the doctor who prescribed the antibiotics (as they were for a different wound altogether). I think that maybe they have gotten worse. Thank you so much for the advice Geek and Aura I'm cleaning them regularly and will try and find something to cover them up.
  • Create New...