Hello, Im new here I have bipolar 1 and I believe I have had it since I was a child. My mental health medical history is way to long for me to write it down here now, but To make it short I have been diagnosed with a few different disorders and diseases for over a long period of time , but now the doctors finally agree that I have bipolar type 1. And I didnt start telling my doctors about my hallucinations until recently because I was so ashamed and also because I believed they where all true.
I have had hallucinations since I was a child and they where always very terrifying. I have had psychotic periods as an adult very often. But the thing is that some of my hallucinations , the ones that have frightening me the most, my psychiatrist doesnt think its related to my bipolar. She asked me recently to see a psychologist because of this and he too didnt really know what to say, why Im seeing the things that Im seeing. He said it could be anxiety ore some memories from my childhood or maybe PTSD. Wow Im so confused...
So .......I started searching the internet looking for answers and didnt find any topic related to bipolar and my hallucinations, what Im seeing. So I figured maybe some one here could know something. I am really scared. I will just list them here...
when Im hallucinating...
I see peoples eyes change..like a lot. They start to look evil like the person is hosting a demon. Sometimes their eyes turn black, but not completely. When this happens I freak out inside, afraid it will attack me. (When this started I was 25 years old and it was my boyfriends eyes that changed. It felt so real that I had to run and hide from him, like it wasnt him anymore. This can happen anywhere, in the tv, in my kids eyes, in my boyfriends eyes or in a stranger walking down the street. It is very terrifying but I try to control it by avoiding looking.)
Sometimes faces of people change too. They start to melt or just look strange. It can happen to my own face too and sometimes Im just to afraid to look in the mirror because my face changes a lot. Like Im not the same person ...its hard to explain.
When I try to sleep and close my eyes , I sometimes see faces of people..I see some face just show up and then the picture of it gets smaller and smaller until it is gone and then another face shows up and fades away as well. Its very annoying.
I have seen my own appartment change. My furniture look funny and my books start to move like in liquid motion. Sometimes I get very scared like I dont know where I am, I know it is my home but still I feel like its not..also hard to explain.
I sometimes see people shrink. This is very strange. They shrink, just a little and I feel I dont know them anymore, but I know them.
I see auras around furniture and sometimes people.
I have seen black and ghost like figures. I thought it was very real..like some spiritual beings for many years but now Im wondering if this is a part of my hallucinations.
I hear footsteps, like someone is coming and like someone is following me. Its very real, the sound of the footsteps.
I often smell like something is burning when its not.
Then the only hallucinations my psychiatrist recognizes as a bipolar symptom are..
I have heard voices that arent there, they are not talking to me but I hear them in a distance, like many people talking at a dinner party. Sometimes I hear many people talking..like its a radio broadcasting news, but I dont hear what they are saying. And then I have heard my name called , like with a very scary and a loud voice.
i think I was hearing voices as a child too because so often I had to put my fingers in my ears to sleep. I was so afraid.