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adc

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  1. So, just to end this thread nicely, here's what happened. I've been spending a lot of time with her, we even went on a holiday together. All is good and well, when suddenly, this Monday, she calls and say "I've met somebody that I'm comfortable with and am interested in knowing. I don't want to see you again." So, well, I've been used as her backup plan until she found somebody better I guess. Nevermind, I'm rolling with it and moving on. Am feeling much better now, just a bit annoyed that I was used like that. But I should have seen it coming. However, I think this messy relationship will definitely affect my future relationships in terms of how I trust my partner. I'm working on moving on and not letting it affect my future relationships.
  2. Ram is an indian name. Yeah, I'm a pretty nutso kind of guy when it comes to her. Honestly, it seems that she's the only one that brings out the worse in me. Unfortunately, I didn't send her the letter. I wish I had the gumption to do so, but something in me stops me from being totally honest with her. Maybe I'm scared of what will happen when it comes to a complete end. At least now, I live in a delusional state. But It's a good starting point, to stop talking to her. Subconciously, and maybe in my repressed concious, I know it's no point. It's really hard to walk away totally for me. So I just keep hanging on and getting myself worked up like this for no reason. Crazyboards seems to have fast become my place of writing letters to my ex... in lieu of having real friends that I can call at 1.30am to voice out my feelings. But then, most of my friends are already sick of hearing about her... Well then, let's see what happens.
  3. Yes I'm the jealousy filled privacy invading bastard that shouldn't have peeked at your phone message history. How would I know it would be filled with lovey dovey text messages to Ram about how you're feeling lonely, need a hug and had a nightmare last night? I felt bad invading your privacy, and felt worse when you shouted at me. When we made up after that, I couldn't stop thinking about how Ram calls you "goose".... you say you haven't met him since 5 years ago, but why such personal text messages? I can't sleep tonight, and it's my own doing. My own insecurities and jealousies. But I need you to let me go. Don't call me, don't talk to me.... tell me it's over and walk away. Don't answer when I call or text you or even when I come over to your house. I can't walk away from you. You're my drug of choice, just like I told you when I first met you. Don't turn around when I call your name. Set me free. Please. I'm begging you. I can't take my own paranoia and jealousy fits anymore. I know people talk about controlling yourself, but I can't seem to do that. It eats into my soul and goes in a vicious circle, round and round it goes, getting worse and worse. I don't know what life will be without you. It'll hurt. A lot. But maybe, maybe there'll be a chance that I'll be able to move on. To get pass a day without talking to you. 8 years, and we've only never spoken for 5 days no matter what... that's a record of sorts I guess. But I'm too tired to keep it up. I need to be free, just like you need to be free from my paranoid controlling behaviour. You deserve better, you deserve a person that treats you like an adult and trusts you. And I can't be that man, I've tried so hard, but I get so paranoid about losing you, even when I've already lost you. So how about it? Set me free, walk away. There's nothing left in me for you. I've given you everything from the depths of my soul and you've rejected it all. Now all that's left is for you to reject me. Do it. I want to live. Please.
  4. Supergwen Looks like you're a bit like me.... ---- I have to admit, I'm back in my ex's palm again... she called me yesterday and we ended up talking for a while. To total, we texted each other, spoke on MSN and spoke on the phone.... and we're going out tomorrow night and off for a short holiday on Saturday... I'm so weak... why can't I just get on life without her? Why do I come at her beck and call all the time?
  5. I only cry when I'm angry... and around that time I have need to get violent. And if I control myself, then I start to cry....
  6. I took some meds after that and calmed down a lot.... it was good... although I took a call from her and she was screaming, literally, about how she needed space and wanted to see her friends and what the fuck was wrong with me, it's just a movie, she'll be watching the movie with me again on friday, can't I just leave her alone? So well, i told her that i'll leave her alone. I'm ignoring her calls until friday. In fact, I think I'll go watch the movie with somebody else..... I don't think it's hard to write something like that, you just need to be severely anxious, paranoid and stressed. Let it all flow out. It felt good to write that though. Looks like Crazyboards is fast becoming my anxiety outlet. Why are you with your bf if he's a lying sack of shit? I would never touch anybody who lies to me.... at all.
  7. Dear SE I'm been your fucking doormat for too long. Today hurt the most, cancelling the movie on me and then going with christopher to watch the very same movie. What do you take me for? A fucking fool? Maybe I have been a fucking fool for too long, being put on the same guilt trip everytime I try and break things off cleanly. You make me feel like fucking shit with those guilt trips, of all the times I ignored you and such. That was fucking 4 years ago and you still make me feel like shit. I don't really care whether you and christopher are in a fucking relationship or not. At this moment, I feel like lashing out and hurting him very badly (and I still think he's a dodgy bastard). Why do you do this to me? What did I do wrong to you? Is this your way of getting back at me for the attention I never gave you? For the times when I should have called but didn't because I was with my friends? For the past 11 months, I've given you everything you wanted. Every moment you called me I was there - whether to help you with your fucking work (which I'm surprised you still can't write properly) or be your stress ball when you wanted to bitch about work. I'm the fucking fool for not being blind. Everybody has told me the same thing - to leave you once and for all. For the times that I told them that all you needed and wanted was a little space and time, I was a fool. For the times I believed that I could have a relationship with you, I was a fucking fool. For the times I gve you my heart and soul, I was a fucking fool. It ends tonight, I've been your mother fucking doormat for too long. You can fucking go to hell. Leave me alone, don't call me anymore. I'm sick and tired of you and the guilt trips and the hope that you gave me. Go away. Oh, for the note, I may be transferred to Vietnam and I've decided to migrate to Australia. Fuck you. ------ I hate this.
  8. I read all that all of you have said. Some, if not, most of it was painfully truthful but unavoidable. I agree that I do need to put an end to it, but it's just how do I want to do it. I've decided to take the first step and stop calling her (which I have done succesfully for 2 days - although she still calls me) and to slowly distance myself away. I don't really want to bring it out into the open and have a showdown with her as I really don't have the emotional energy to sit there and fight (?) or discuss matters with her. As far as I'm concerned, as long as I can keep my other emotions in check, I should be able to move on with life. In a life deciding turn, I have *hopefully* scheduled a date with a girl that I met at an art exhibition. If anything, it'll do me good to go out and not worry about my ex....
  9. Really appreciate your input guys. Yes, the way olga has put it is the way that I've been seeing it. I guess I'm just having trouble facing the truth and have been avoiding that. I plan to move on with life but at the same time to keep my friendship with her. It does sound like I'm asking for a lot of trouble, but I think friendships are worth keeping.... most of the time. Maybe I'm just being an optimist, but I'm going to try and see what happens. On the other hand, I should start seeing more people and widen my circle of friends. In some sense, that would be moving on with life instead of just hanging by the side hoping for her to change her mind. Well, let's see what happens.
  10. I listen a lot to happy hardcore sets. I find that the beat is so intrusive and hypnotic that it does help me relax to a certain extent... i'm willing to try anything else though. and if you want to try happy hardcore, try www.di.fm under Hardcore
  11. To put it in a nutshell, I think I'm probably over analyzing my relationship with my ex and should move on with life. But it's just so hard to do it. I just spend 2 days with her - we went for a rave (no drugs ), had a wonderful time, but am now feeling really confused and my mind is working in circles. She doesn't want a relationship yet we were staying together and she uses all the endearing terms - as if nothing has changed. When we returned home, I received a text message from her "I'm glad your friends like me too. It's important to know that dear. Thanks. *kisses*" And she's supposed to be my ex. But not only does she send me text messages like that, but she also proposed that my friends, her and me book a getaway holiday - she's going to look into doing that. But I don't understand why is she doing all this if she's my ex? But then on the other hand, she had a friend who messaged her about a guy, who's 5'8 and single and all that stuff and would like to meet up with her. So it seems that her friends are pushing guys to her and she's going along well with that. There's another guy who seems romantically interested in her and he was calling her today (I was around when he called), and she was on the phone at 11.30pm. I'm very agitated when people call her late at night because I can't think of a good reason why anybody would be calling her at 11.30. She doesn't have many friends - so I can roughly guess it was that guy again... it's very annoying that she's entertaining somebody else - even though she's my ex. That's what I keep telling myself, that she's just an ex. But then she initiates all these things and spends time with me. What am I to her? A back up plan in case her other relationships don't work out? I've spend 11 month doing everything I can to win her back, but she's flat out told me she's not interested in a relationship - so why is she spending all this time with me? Yes, I'm probably very controlling and posessive, it's a streak that I'm trying to work on, but it just seems to hard to change and let go. I'm short changing myself, I don't go out with other girls because I'm just hoping that maybe one day my ex will come back. It's actually very futile but I don't know why I do this to myself. I'm not sure whether i've mentioned it before, but it was a 7 year old relationship. It's really time to move on, but when she sends me text messages like those and proposes holiday getaways, how can I move on? What am I to her? She calls me 2-5 times a day just to let me know what she's doing or to chat. Sometimes I wish that there was pill I could take that would just kill my emotions for her. Wouldn't that be easier? I don't know. It's hard to let go.. Thanks for listening to my rant. EDIT: Mods, I realize that my posts have no relevance to this topic. So please move them as you see fit. Sorry, will be careful when I post again.
  12. I'm afraid of heights, anything higher than 2 stories makes me edgy. I don't dare walk near the edges because I always get the feeling that the floor will suddenly collapse. This happens everywhere, in the office, shopping complex, even at the balcony of my house. Strangely, I also nearly always get this urge to jump off the floor that I'm on, like jump down just to see whether I'll live or not. So that's a little freaky to me because I'm scared that one day if i'm in the wrong state of mind, I'll just jump off....
  13. I've got issues with revenge fantasies. And nearly act out on most of them, I guess the only reason that stops me from doing them is that I don't have easy access to my weapon of choice. But I make do enquiries about them. Most of my revenge fantasies involve breaking a certain person's back, mainly because I would rather he live his life paralyzed rather than dead. Of course, the down side of doing that is that he might want to have revenge on me. So I'm torn between killing him or breaking his back. I'm not sure which would be the more effective solution. I'm toyed with the idea of hiring a hitman before among other things. But I realize that most of my revenge fantasies are triggered off by jealousy and I do try to keep it under control. But somewhere along the line, I know that if I don't learn to let go, I will act on my fantasies, after all, how hard can it be to take a knife and stabbing somebody repeatedly when you're in a rage? I just hope that I don't act on them as it would definitely be a setback to my career and personal life. But I'm so tempted to do that sometimes. In my arrogant state of mind, I believe that I can get away with it. I've spoken to my psychiatrist about these things before, but am usually in a calm state of mind when I meet him and so I tell him that I don't act on my fantasies (which is true).....
  14. Hi guys/girls Thanks for the warm welcome... Yes, I'm seeing a psychiatrist now, but honestly, he doesn't seem to do much. Just take some notes and asks me how I feel. But most the time I'm feeling really ok when I see him. So I tell him that. He hasn't changed my dosage for 2 years now, but did give me the clonazepam when I asked for it. Ended up taking some yesterday (2.5mg) when I couldn't get some sleep. Seems that the dosage he gives me is pretty high - 5mg pills? But I definitely want to revisit my treatment with him. Whether it's therapy or different medication, I would like something that can help me avoid the mood swings. I'm not sure how easy it is to get therapy where I am, given that I'm in a third world country and there seem to be a lack of therapists. But I'll try and look into that. Is jealousy part of my anxiety or is it separate? I'm an insanely jealous person that when I go that way it literally inhibits my ability to do anything. I just sit there with murderous thoughts in my mind. Any suggestions on that?
  15. Came across this board purely by accident while doing a google search on clonazepam and risperdal. I've been on risperdal for the past 4 years for anxiety and some slight depression? at least that's what I've been told that I've got. Clozanepam is as and when that I need to get some sleep and amd seriously anxious. But lately, I've been getting really anxious and stressed over some major changes in my life and am looking for something to help me feel better? I actually came across this site while googling on the effects of ecstacy mixed with risperdal. Silly isn't it? Yeah, I'm pretty desperate to feel happy. I was also looking at Erimin 5 (brand name) to uplift my mood. Needless to say, I don't think I'll be touching any of those drugs. I'm just going to stick with my risperdal and maybe take clonazepam more regularly. Nowadays my anxiety is usually triggered off by my ex girlfriend. I know, she's an ex, I shouldn't let her affect me. But it's just so hard, it was a 7 year relationship and my life revolved around her. I've had to face some major decisions (at least to me) such as should I pursue a post graduate education (I want to do an MBA but know that it would be the end of what relationship I've got with my ex), should I commit and buy a house? And should I migrate to Australia? I haven't felt happy for a long time.... I think too much and it's getting to me. I want to stop thinking about the mindless stuff that I can't control but I can't seem to do that. I run details in my mind and it drives me nuts. On a bad day I'm up all night just running the thoughts on my ex over and over again in my head. I do need to get away from her, but I can't help myself. I don't really know how much I'm supposed to share about myself, but if there's anybody who's figured a way to avoid thinking too much, please please, share it with me. Right now, I find the only way that I can deal with it is to head out and play computer games. But lately, I've been unable to concentrate on the games and find myself sitting around thinking about stuff after and hour or so. I guess my case isn't too serious, I'm still able to function normally most of the time. But it's nice to know that there's a board here. So hello there. Oh, and by the way, I'm a banker (if i'm supposed to share about my job as well)
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