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About LiamB

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  • Gender
    trans male
  • Location
    Philadelphia, PA
  • Interests
    Writing, reading, playing guitar, browsing the Internet, spending time with family and friends

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  1. I worry about people on the street/bus/you name it finding out about my issues. I often wonder if I "come off" as a person with mental health issues. I wonder if I get read that way. I often have a bit of paranoia in general, too, so it doesn't help. It gets worse some days and really frustrates me because I have a hard time keeping friends, especially ones who find out about the Schizoaffective. Doctors and other professionals write off legitimate illnesses as "psychogenic" because I am diagnosed as a person with mental health issues. It's frustrating. Peace to those who are struggling with this as well.
  2. Hello, Warning: This is a really long post. The weird/bad stuff: So, while my Schizoaffective Disorder is mainly controlled by 3mg of Risperdal twice a day, I still have some weird things happened that I was wondering if anyone else experienced. I hear people calling my name ALL OF THE TIME. I will literally be on the bus and someone will be on their phone through a Bluetooth or something and I will look up and say, "I'm sorry, how do you know my name?" or "Did you call me?" or something. I will be sitting alone and hear my name, watching TV and hear it on the TV, etc. Or I think people are talking to me when they are not. Same thing with people on the bus, walking down the street, etc. I just hear things that are really not directed at me. One time I thought a woman said I dropped my money. I looked around and asked her what she said. She looked at me like I had thirteen heads. Also, I still hear voices sometimes. They are triggered by certain things. I don't self-harm any more, but on the rare occasion that I do decide to shave my face, they ramp up. Or if I see any razors in the house. Also, in the bathroom, when I'm alone(which is a lot!), when I'm under stress, or if I don't get a lot of sleep. They aren't as intense as they were before. They are more...random. I've started to hear a British voice. I have NO idea what the hell that is about. I have just random chatter that pops in sometimes. They used to be more direct, more command hallucinations. Now it's more like this...hmm. I'll be totally fine and in comes the most random shit. I'll just be sitting there and, I wish I had an example but it's 5:40 am and I can't think of one, but a voice will be like, "Hawaii has warm weather and there's a chicken in the cupboard." What?? Another thing. I get random delusional/paranoid/strange thoughts. I KNOW THEY ARE NOT REAL. My brain has this ongoing fight with me that my room mates have cameras in the house and they are watching me to make sure I am doing well. I counter them with fact checking. I'd see the cameras, it's not realistic, etc. My brain also tells me that my room mate is watching my browsing history, what I type, my journal entries on the computer, because I am borrowing her computer and somehow she can control that. Also, IT'S NOT REAL. But that thought pops into my head CONSTANTLY. More stuff. I am afraid aliens are going to abduct me. I've had that fear since I was a kid. I am afraid that if I think about it they will just show up and take me! I kind of have this delusion that they or some other supreme being are in my head constantly. So, I've started praying. I feel like if I don't pray before I eat bad stuff will happen. I feel like when I do pray, good things happen. When I don't, bad things happen. Somehow, that it is connected to aliens because that is somehow connected to the all powerful supreme being. I feel like they are in control of everything and I am being controlled and punished. It is TOTALLY DELUSIONAL AND NOT REAL. Ugh. The Good: Depression wise, I am doing the best I have in almost 6-7 years. My command hallucinations are under control, my suicidal urges are under control. I am motivated, taking care of my activities of daily living. I help my room mates take care of their animals, I do chores, I make appointments, I pretty much go somewhere in the city where I live via public transportation everyday despite my physical and mental health problems. I was in college and getting all A's, but had to withdrawal because of medical health problems. I am not letting my mental health issues stop me. So, I am thinking about bringing this post to my therapist this Wednesday. Honest opinions, folks: good/bad idea? Will I get sent to a hospital? I didn't bring it up to my Psychiatrist last week because I was afraid of being involuntarily committed or put on a sedating medication. My Psychiatrist is really nice and said if I needed to see her sooner, I could. I told her about the voices and that I didn't want to be put on another medication. She said it was fine. However, I am afraid that these symptoms will get worse and debilitating. I want to catch them while they are at the stage where I can handle them. Thanks for reading!
  3. I need sleep. A good deal of it. If not, I literally cannot function. I speak backwards, I will replace words with the wrong ones, people will have to correct me, I will walk sideways. There are physical side effects of not getting sleep. Now, I don't get the best sleep because I have chronic obstructive sleep apnea and my CPAP settings are not correct, but its something. I also hear voices more often if I don't get sleep. It really effects me.
  4. Thanks for the responses, guys. So, the place I am living in has a pdoc at a clinic I go to that is a part of the program. There are other pdocs there, so it is possible to switch. My program is voluntary, but I don't really have any where else to go. They can help me find a new place, but that takes time. The program I am in is for the mentally interesting. The program in the city, from what I gather, is the same, just in a different location. But, there are wait lists, etc. I am considering inpatient. It's a big decision. I hope I answered everyone.
  5. Hello, So, I saw my psychiatrist today. I explained to him, in detail, how I have been feeling. I've been extremely suicidal, depressed, un motivated, barely able to get out of bed in the morning, etc. I live in a boarding home, I'm on five minute checks, I have no cords, belts, etc in my room. You know what he told me? He's not going to change any of my medication. Nothing is going to help me. I've been in this program for almost three years, and he knows there's nothing out there that will change how I feel. He said my only hope is ECT, which had helped for a while, but I have to move back to the city to get that. My program will absolutely not transport me to the city even once a week for maintenence ECT. To even get to this program in the city, I have to apply, be accepted, you get the point. It's not something that will happen in a week or two. It's likely going to take months. I asked him what I was supposed to do in the mean time. He said if I felt that bad, I could go to the hospital in the city and receive ECT inpatient. But I don't see the point if I'm not getting that maintenence treatment. I'm just going to end up where I am now. Any suggestions? I feel like I'm being handed a death sentence.
  6. I struggle with this, too. If it weren't for the staff at my residential home, I probably wouldn't do laundry. I still do it very infrequently. I do shower pretty often, but I'm terrible at brushing my teeth. When I'm in a bad spot, these things go down the tubes. My only suggestion is try to make a routine out of it. Get up at the same time, etc. I can't do this to save my life, so I understand if this hard. If not, just force yourself once a week to shower. It helps when its cold out cause it feels good! You'll feel better that you did it, I promise. Good luck!
  7. I had Deep TMS through Brainsway. I felt amazing during the treatments, on cloud 9. Then they started tapering me down to once a week and eventually stopped. I am doing not so well now. Doc is trying another 5 treatments to see if that helps. The docs have no idea what long term looks like. I don't want to worry you, but I am in a pretty bad place since we stopped daily treatments. Hoping things work out for you.
  8. So, you may have read my post about Deep TMS and how it saved my life. Unfortunately, my feelings were short lived. My last treatment was Wednesday 4\27\2016. As soon as I tapered down to one treatment a week, I was sent into a depressive fog. I became suicidial, depressed, isolative, and started to self injure. My treatment team is very aware and I live in a boarding home so I am pretty safe. I am on suicidial checks and also just hang out in the community. I, still am on the end of my rope. So, next step: ECT. I hope it works. Peace.
  9. Two months ago, I was hospitalized for severe depression and suicidial thoughts with plan and intention. My partner of a year and a half left me, after we were apartment hunting and building a future together. I was devestated. I already had mental health issues on top of that, so this was the icing on top of the crazy cake. Today, I barely feel any depression and experience no suicidial thoughts. What changed? Deep TMS. Now, this totally sounds like some advertisement, but its true. I felt so depressed and down all the time. Before Deep TMS, I wasn't doing anything with myself. I was sleeping, constantly thinking about suicide and trying to find ways to self harm. I would fantasize about how I would off myself in disturbing detail, and it oddly comforted me. By treatment 5, I noticed a marked difference in my mood. The world seemed a little..rosier. Happier. I had a spring in my step. Everyone noticed a difference. My eyes are brighter, my smiles genuine. I was more likely to engage with other people. I stopped isolating. Today marks treatment number 19. I feel great! Tomorrow, I start learning how to train Service Dogs for Veterans. I have a purpose in life, which I didnt have before. Deep TMS has not magically gotten rid of all of my problems. I still have anxiety to work though and PTSD symptoms to acknowldege but my depression is no longer an issue. Now, the down side is they dont really seem to know how long this will work for. I hope my insurance will pay it when I need it. But we will see. So, if you are depressed and nothing else works, your insurance will cover it, and you dont mind devoting a lot of your time..ITS WORTH IT! Contact me here if you have any questions.
  10. I have been thinking about cutting for a long time. I finally gave in to the urge last night. I did very superficial cuts but they are cuts nonetheless. I feel so embarrassed and disappointed. I live in a boarding home so I am on checks every fifteen minutes because I told them about the cutting. That is a big part of my freedom being taken away. I can’t leave the boarding home without staff accompaniment. I wish I wouldn’t have done this. But I was so obsessed with the thought of doing it, I felt like I had no choice. The ritual itself was so calming. I just wish I hadn’t done it. But, part of me likes looking down at my arm and seeing the marks. Isn’t that messed up? Ugh.
  11. I just found out a few days ago that my great uncle who raised me was recently given 4-6 months to live. He stepped up when my dad disappeared from my life. He raised me along with my great aunt. He is going to go through radiation and chemotherapy to possibly make those numbers stretch, but no one is sure. I cried the whole day I found out. Now, I just find myself numb. I can still cry, but I just feel like I'm going through the motions. I talk to him on the phone almost every day. It's so surreal to think that one day soon, he won't be there. I feel so empty and lost. I live about an hour away from him in a boarding home. They will transport me for visits once every other week. He and his sister don't want me to come yet because they want him to get situated with chemo and stuff first. He has been seeing a lot of doctors and whatnot. He has cancer that spread from his liver to pancreas. Stage 4. I am suicidal. I am on 15 minute suicide checks at the boarding home. I just want to die. I love him so much, I want to die with him. Has anyone else had this experience where someone you loved had a "death sentence" so to speak?
  12. Hey, I have the same problem. I've had it for years. I went to a urologist once and it was really painful for me and I never went back. They never found anything wrong at the first appointment. But I am a FTM transgender guy so its really embarrassing for me to go in a place and have to explain this all. Especially because where I am living is kind of country ish. I went to a clinic for LGBT folks in the city and they didn't have any transgender friendly urologists. So I have to find one on my own and risk getting misgendered, harassed, etc. I have to wear incontinence pads every day and it so embarrassing. I share a bathroom with a male and I'm sure he has figured it out by now that I have to wear these pads all the time. Anyway, I don't know why it happens. But they ruled a bunch of stuff. I should really go back. Sorry this is happening to you.
  13. There is a medication for nightmares/flashbacks called Prazosin. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prazosin Unfortunately, it does mess with your blood pressure. Your doctor has to test your blood pressure sitting and standing. If it lowers while you stand, you can't take it. Unfortunately, I am one of those people so I can't take it. I took it a few years ago and it really worked. During one of my inpatient stays, I was taken off of it for unknown reasons. Hopefully this information helps you. I suffer from recurring nightmares as well, almost every night, and it's really wearing me down. Good luck!
  14. Hi, So, for some reason, every Benzo my doctor has recently tried has caused bed wetting at night. The weird thing is, that I have been on both Ativan and Klonopin in the past and they never caused this problem. Now, on the same dose, I get bed wetting. I have tried Klonopin at various doses and times of day, as well as Xanax and Ativan. I'm also on Buspar. Right now I have Ativan as a PRN and I usually take it twice a day. I wake up feeling anxious so I take one and then take another around 3:30pm. I haven't seen my doctor yet to tell him that the Ativan is still causing the bed wetting. I don't want to stop the Ativan, though. We have tried lower dose and it still has the same problem. There was a period of time when the place where I live was out of my Ativan for two days. No bed wetting. Several years ago, I was on the same dose of Ativan, same time of day, no bed wetting. What's going on?? Did anyone else have this happen and how do I make it stop!?
  15. http://assurexhealth.com/products/ Here is the link to Gene Sight website. I'm not looking to get off Clozaril, just add an additional medication to help with this crazy depression.
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