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  1. This is also a problem for me, but in my case most of that change happened when I wasn't on meds. Over the 20 years I've been dealing with mental health problems I've only been on medication for about 5 (half of that time was back in college and half of that time is recently). For me it seems like this 'fade to grey' is either the progression of the illness itself or a sort of burnout that comes from the effort of trying to cope.
  2. I'm also similar in a number of ways. My new "baseline" (going on 15 years now) is mild sadness, moderate anhedonia, and large issues with motivation. I'm currently starting to improve on stimulant meds, but have only been on them for a month. My current working theory for myself is that this combo of symptoms is largely from ADHD with only a bit of depression on the side. These are the things that don't improve when I manage to get out of severe depression. I don't have SAD, so no thoughts on that, but I have strong opinions about laziness. I think the word lazy gets wildly overused and I basically dislike it as a concept. You are describing a state where things are much more difficult. Trying to climb Mount Everest and only making it to base camp isn't lazy. Neither is being faced with Mount Everest and being intimidated by the challenge and finding it difficult to start. Labelling behavior as lazy treats it as if the difficulty is similar for everyone and it's not
  3. I don't have technical suggestions but I'm cheering for you
  4. The anger at yourself probably improves by working on forgiving yourself. The anger at him may require taking away his power by starting to view him as less important. There are likely other strategies as well but those are the ones that I have thought of so far
  5. The oversleeping and the overspending both sound to me like they could be related to the Ritalin change
  6. A number of things help: time passing, therapy, forgiving myself, changing the way I talk to myself about the topic. All of those things are a process, but by going through that process things will start to improve
  7. This is unfortunately a common pattern in unhealthy relationships. The person says and does very hurtful things but also does kind and caring things in order to keep the relationship going. It can be intentional manipulation or it can be a reflection of someone who is in a volatile state, but whether it's on purpose or by mistake it's a bad pattern that hurts the relationship and hurts the other person. It's not stupid to miss him, because there was part of him that you liked, even if him as a whole was bad for you Some people are like your ex, but some people aren't. There are many people who want to be in healthy, happy relationships and those people won't treat you that way. It can take some practice to figure out which group a person belongs to, but once you've had some time to heal you will be able to sort through the red flags with your ex and be more able to spot them in others
  8. You did really well to talk about it with your therapist. I know how hard that can be I suspect that getting past feeling dirty and includes a few things. One part is probably healing from the emotional hurt of the relationship. You need to take good care of yourself so that you'll be able to heal Another part could be challenging and changing some of your beliefs. I think earlier in the thread you said you worried that no one else will want you. I think lots of people will want to date you in the future. Many people get into relationships because they like the other person's personality, they have shared interests and enjoy spending time together. There are going to be people that feel that way about you. Your ex doesn't have the power to change that. The things that make you valuable aren't things that can be taken away
  9. Might there be other techniques that would also help you feel clean? My experience with SH was that in the short term it did something helpful. In my case it was very grounding at a time when my mental illness was at its worst. But what I noticed over time was that it had other downsides. I was trying to keep it a secret from people around me and that went along with feelings of shame and isolation. It helped me cope in the moment, but didn't get me any closer to resolving the thing I was trying to cope with. Coping is important. But coping repeatedly with a situation that just keeps going on is a bad situation to be in. So my suggestion is to think about what types of things might help you in a lasting way
  10. I've stopped self-injuring now, but before I quit I found that I could tell therapists and doctors about the cutting without them wanting me to go in the hospital. The big thing they were concerned about was suicidal intent or accidentally causing a severe injury. I really recommend talking to your therapist. This is an important part of her helping you with your mental health
  11. I'm not sure if this runs afoul of the first-person policy. The question is on behalf of my mother who just isn't a big internet user. I'm the designated mentally ill family member, so most people come to me about these topics. I haven't experienced what she is describing so I offered to post here and she liked that plan She hasn't had much mental illness in the past, but this year there have been a lot of life stressors and she and I have been discussing whether this might have led to some mild situational depression and anxiety for her. In the last few months she's been regularly having a feeling of internal tremor on waking up. It goes away after a few minutes. She's trying to figure out whether this pattern fits with anxiety or not. It's not occurring at other times of day. Has anyone run into this in connection with anxiety? I've had the feeling of internal tremor, but only during anxiety attacks with obvious causes
  12. My circle has a lot of people with personal experience with mental health, so I'm often talking to others who really get it, but my family has some people who have never experienced mental illness. There's definitely a difference in how well they understand what I am saying, but they can understand enough. They can show that they care and they can listen to what I am saying. They sometimes say things that are a bit off, but when I ask them to approach the topic differently they try to do that. I think that this should be the expectation for any topic where one person has personal experience and the other doesn't.
  13. I have a couple times, but it was quite brief and the details were different. I suspect that they were probably different things I'm fairly sure I've read that catatonia can occur with depression, though
  14. I think it's a good thing that you are considering the option. In similar situations I have ended up feeling like I don't have the option of backing off of things I was involved with and I think that I've sometimes missed out on better options because of that
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