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About Angerr

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  1. Im tired of living breakdown after breakdown. Im tired of no one understanding me. Of lying to family and friends that are away telling them im.okay. my grandma called nad said she was happy i was doing well and not sick anymore. She has no clue. I have lost 6-7 kilos? Maybe? I have no clue. I can't eat. I can't sleep. University is killing me. I thought 3 years ago i could fight schizoaffective and live a life. I was wrong. I just want to be in hospital again, and again, and again. I can't live a normal life. Pills don't help. Doctors don't give a shit about me in this country. I have only had three appointments in a year. Been to emergency three times already. I go to a regular doctor at least twice a month since i can't sleep, or eat, and it ruined my inmune system so i get sick all the time, im tired all the time, i even have now i hearth condition. Im done with this. I wanted to have a life but im giving up on my dreams. This illness is too debilitating I can't deal with it anymore.
  2. I have my boyfriend with me most of the time and he helps me, but its still not enough, i still get really lost really fast. But just started new meds and im seeing my doctor soon.
  3. Messages are coming back, when I walk into shops, colors can talk to me. There are words hidden everywhere, others cannot see what i see in them. These words are telling me things, warning me of something, same with the bells of the church, they are also warning me something is going to happen. I feel really alone, i only trust my boyfriend, everyone else scares me, i feel they have something against me. Im sure one person i know hates me and he's plotting to kill me or harm me somehow. I am very lost, I can't leave the house alone because i get lost, the world looks so unreal, nothing exists, time is flying, dancing in front of my eyes and fading away, i feel like i don't exist, i am no one, i am nothing.
  4. Actually i got told the same by many many doctors, they all say i must be sza because there is no way i can handle two bachelors and succed in them. I dont really know whats the difference but even in hospital they told me something like that about sza once that sza have possitve and mood symptoms but not so many negative ones that can affect their thoughts and even motivation that much. which i still think is weird.
  5. Ive been absent for months, my life has changed so much, im living in germany now for a year thanks to two scholarships i got. Havent seen my psych in 4 months, havent seen any therapist for 4 months since im not home, but should go to a new one here, quite scared though because i have to talk to them in german and im not that good to like voice out all my problems in my third language but still i need meds for the next half of the year. Im scared theyre going to question my diagnosis because all my medical records are in spanish and no one here can understand them. Had to go to hospital once here because of an infection and it was hell to get them to translate the names of the meds even after i translated them to the english names. Im scared of them not believing me or questioning me or not getting the right meds. But overall ive been the best in years, have had some episodes and almost totally lost it once but zyprexa kept me down thankfully. Havent had hallucinations in a while only anxiety but i seem quite controled and i think is because im taking my meds correctly and i am having an amazing year in a foregin country and a foregin univeristy. The only thing i still struggle with is sleeping i cant get in bed in time (its 4 in the morning as im writing these) or i etiher sleep till 3 or even 6 pm thats messing up my daily basis so i need to get help but too scared to go to a german psych
  6. Thank you for your words. Im slightly better now. Seeing my therapist soon, she will help me write to my psych. Im still too scared to talk. yes totally. I need a med change soon since im leaving my country and wont have a phsychiatrist in 6 months. So i need to be stable with meds. Hope everything goes well for you too.
  7. That sounds really bad. I hope things with her get a better, maybe with time and more appointments. Otherwise you should look for a new therapist...
  8. Some real bad stuff happened. Someone pretty much commited a crime against me (extorsion) and i feel really bad, really sad, really anxious. It was someone i admired and even liked. Now i feel so bad im even suicidal. My new med (lyrica:pregabalin) is not working for anxiety and maybe is the source of suicidal toughts. Tomorrow we celebrate christmas here and i really want to die. I am so so sad. I want to kill myself. I dont know what to do. I should write to my pdoc but im so scared to do it, idk what to say. Im so scared she might send me to hospital I CANT TO BACK I WONT GO BACK. IM GOING CRAZY.
  9. Thank you. Just posted there, they say i must get medical help for this. Its going to be a hard choice to make. Ill see what i can do.
  10. Insurance works in a strange way here. I cant see my psychiatrist so easily but i get my meds each month. If i want treatment for this i might have to pay it on my own... not sure if i can do it. Still im going to talk with my psychologist today to see what can i do now. Thank you for your answers ?
  11. So long story short i have developed a cocaine addiction. This week has been of intense use. Ive been close to overdosing. Ive mixed with other drugs and i cant even remeber what drugs i did. The thing is, psychologically i feel ready to quit but my body is literally dying. I cant eat or sleep, i cant get out of bed. I want to quit but im afraid leaving it too fast will only increase the physical symptoms. I cant get medical help, only my psychologist can help me and thats why mentally i have the urge to quit but idk how to help the physical side. Also i take a bunch of meds because of schizoaffective disorder and anxiety. So theres always a bunch of substances in my body. Any advice on how to stop this binge? I want my health back. I want to sleep. Eat. Walk. Im totally sick and i know is from drugs.
  12. I got diagnossed with schizoaffective in 2017 age 18. Then this year i started abusing cocaine after my first inpatient stay. I got out of the psych ward and got straight into parties and crazy living. All because i was tired of antipsychotics not allowing me to feel anything. Did coaine at a slow rate, it started increasing. Then i quitted for a two weeks because my SZA was acting up and i knew i would get tested because i was going back to the psych ward.Came out clean. Quitted for month and a half. Then i got back. No is every single night. When you live in a country were it can be found almost anywhere and where its really cheap and a bunch of people do it is hard to stay away from it. But yeah, MI started my addiction. Now i think i must try to quit before it gets worse.
  13. Well, my life has changed a lot in the past months. Ive been doing a lot better, almost asymptomatic, no hallucinations or delusions. Now is just mood swings and anxiety. But im happy, really happy. I got a schoolarship to go to germany next year, ill be out for 6months. Great but scary. The only problem in my life now is substance abuse which has gotten out of hand and its causing severe physical effects. I think aniexty might come from withdrawal idk. Im scared to adress this issue, my schizoaffective is good but i keep being self-destructive. Dont know if i should or want to get help. Dont know if i could loose control when im germany. Its all very confusing.
  14. Hi, i was just wondering, how did you make others understand your illness? Your family and friends, Your boss, Your teachers. Is there something one can do to help others understand what happens in our heads? I have had all kinds of responses from people, from complete shock to a calm reaction. Some have gotten mad. Some have mentioned god. But what could we say to them? How to educate them so they dont freak out when we loose control? How to explain to them that we need meds and hospitals but that we are not "crazy"?
  15. Days have been weird. I decided to stop the meds two weeks ago or even more, i cant remember. Couldnt sleep with or without them, tried to take seroquel to sleep but it made me go late to all my classes cause i couldnt wake up. Cant eat with or whitout the pills, havent had propper meals since i got out of hospital, i simply dont want or cant eat at all i can go a whole day just taking coffee and cigarrettes. Other than that my mood has been stable (dont know how) my paranoia is a little rising but i can control it like i sort of know its my head and that i should chill out. No hallucinations. Havent self harmed. The pills made things a lot worse. But i know i cant stay like this. Im seeing a new pdoc next monday, hope she can give me new meds, like totally new meds. I hope i can make it till there. Also just got a "great" new, suddenly my family decided to confess to me that my uncle suffers from bipolar and is developing schizophrenia, also one of the sisters of my grandma is a schizophrenic too. I didnt knew where my disorder came from. Two years it took to my family to tell me that others were sick too and thats where it comes from. It sort of makes me calm cause it makes sense now and i dont feel guilty.
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