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pinkfloydforeverlove

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Everything posted by pinkfloydforeverlove

  1. Hey all. I think I finally did it. I made it. I'm the happiest I've been all year, and I haven't been this happy since I was 10. (I'm 22 now). I don't know if it was the medication changes (which helped a LOT) or if it's finally coming to terms with the fact that my psychotic symptoms will never go away, not fully, or if I made peace with my demons or am starting to forgive people in my life, but I finally feel nearly at peace. I made it. I didn't think I would live to be 22, or ever be happy again! BTW, I'm on Abilify 30mg and Lamictal 200mg. I think they work rather well for me.
  2. Thank you so much. I don't feel tough. But I really am trying. I don't have a recorder but I am registered with the CEA (Center for Educational Access) and they know about my disabilities. I can have a notetaker for me, so I don't miss much. Just about 10 minutes of lecture.
  3. Hey. I have a problem. While I'm studying for my college classes and when I'm in a lecture. I'm in summer classes right now, and I can't afford to miss a single class. But the Voices know I'm trying hard to succeed, that I'm trying to focus this semester. But they won't let me. If I think about the Voices, they come and it starts to stress me out. I start to cry and have to leave for about 10 minutes. But I can't afford to lose those 10 minutes, something important might be covered. What should I do? I can't afford to miss class, but I don't want to cry in class either. The obvious answer would be not to think about them, but sometimes, SOMETIMES they come to mind and I can't do much about it. I'm crying in the library now because I'm freaking out while trying NOT to freak out. What should I do??
  4. Hi all, I have a meeting with my pdoc in 2 weeks. But I'm afraid. I owe him an apology after he said he thinks I'm schizophrenic. I was so angry I wanted to punch him in the face. But now, to make a long story short, I believe him. So I have to apologize. But I'm afraid of the demons. What if they get me before I get to my pdoc? What if they're REAL? They live in my house so they don't follow me in public, but the voices are everywhere I go. I am currently being treated with Abilify 30mg. It's very good. I've been much worse before I was on it. But I'm still afraid to go home...
  5. Oh thank you. I asked him and he said that it happens once every 2 years, as opposed to me who it happens to every day. I'm not AS worried about him any more, but I also recently learned that he's talking to a school counselor and it's partially my fault. He says I stress him out a lot, and when I asked him if there's anything I can do, he said "Don't fuck up". He said that he's worried about what the future may hold for me...
  6. I would like to say that I am NOT here to ask questions on behalf of my brother; he is 18 and can make his own account on this site. But recently he shared with me that he has hallucinations too. I just want to vent. Anyone, please, no, not him. Anything but him. I don't want him to suffer as I do, my pdoc thinks I have SZ. iI'm crying. It's not fair. He's so full of potential and very bright. I ask God why and get no response. Meanwhile the demons are getting stronger....
  7. I think I'm the same as you. I have an OCD diagnosis and my pdoc says that I either have schizophrenia or mood congruent psychosis. I've done the research since I started hallucinating some more and I think I might be schizoaffective because I have mood disturbances as well as psychosis.
  8. I'm scared. I think that there is a demon pursuing me, and I'm worried that only I can see it. That's how it's trying to torture me. By making me think I'm insane to the outside world when I'm really not. Maybe it's purposely making it so only I can see it.
  9. My family is not supportive. When I broke the news to my mom she yelled "BULLSHIT". My dad will just insult me if I tell him. My brother understands, and when I told him about what the pdoc said he said "but isn't that what you've been dealing with since childhood?" I don't want to hurt my mom in any way, but her denial hurts me. He said it's either very mild schizophrenia or mood congruent psychosis. I don't know how to cope with this other than immerse myself in the world of books. Are there any books about psychosis/schizophrenia you could recomend, kittyloaf? By the way, thank you, Melliflous. I feel better now kind of...
  10. Hi, my name on this website is pinkfloydforeverlove, and my pdoc said he thinks I have either schizophrenia or mood-congruent psychosis. I'm so scared for what that might mean for my future. Will I be locked up for a few years? Go insane again if I go off my meds? He recently added Lamictal for my low mood so now I'm taking Prozac 80mg, Abilify 30mg, Klonopin .5mg as a PRN, and Lamictal every night. But I feel like you don't understand, I AM POURING MY VERY SOUL INTO THIS POST. I'm afraid. I have my own life, my own plans. I'm a college student right now as a sophomore and I desperately want to graduate. What if my mental illness gets in the way of my goal? What if I NEVER graduate?! I'm already terrified of the voices, the cats, and the feelings of unreality that I feel in which I am in a well-known place to me, but it feels like I'm really not there. I guess the point I'm trying to get to is even if I do have psychosis will I still have a rich, fulfilling life? Will I ever reach my goal to happiness? Have any of you fellow schizophrenics found happiness with yourself or am I doomed to a life of misery?
  11. That pretty much sums it up. Well, not really. My therapist says I'm borderline suicidal. I don't really care anymore. I don't care if I live or die. I can't feel much of anything, really. And when I cut for the first time in 7 years, I really felt something that was close to relieving the pain that I feel on the inside. I don't wish this pain on anyone else. And my family CANNOT find out about this. When my dad found out about it, he simply said I cut myself because I'm crazy. And as for my mom.... Idk. I don't care what she would think. I don't care what my dad would think either. His opinion does not matter to me anymore after the years of emotional abuse he's given me. And as for my brother, he'll just take my knife like he owns the place. No, better that my family know nothing. My life is out of control. Last week I was binge drinking all week and now I'm cutting for the first time since I was 15. I don't know what to do. I KNOW I need help but I don't know who to reach out to...
  12. I would lose my freedom. And I can't lose that. If I die, I die. I think it would help, but I'm not willing to be locked up. I've never been in a partial hospitalization program before. I don't know. I think I'm better off dead.
  13. I went to see my therapist today. He made me promise not to hurt myself after I leave cause then he'll have to admit me to IP. I've never been to IP but I should've. But IDK. It would be so easy, so effortless, to walk into my brother's room while he is not there and just take his knife. Maybe carve my legs for awhile in a locked bathroom while nobody's home. Then I could turn on the shower to wash all the blood down the drain. Nobody would know. It would be so easy to take all three of my medications at once and just end it all. But I have doubts, too. About what it means to pass away. And I really don't want to hurt my mother. Her mother committed suicide too. I just want my pain to end. This feels like too much for me to handle.
  14. The Demons are back. Maybe they've always been there, and I just haven't noticed them lately. But they're back. They never say anything, but they STARE. And MOCK me by bending and contracting in unnatural positions, and I'm doing the best I can to ignore them. But I've figured it out. I'm not crazy at all. I'm just in a different dimension than everyone else.
  15. They are aware of some of it, kittyloaf. They don't know the whole story of why I freaked out today...
  16. Don't feel sorry for me. It's all my fault. My mental health ALWAYS gets in the ways of my academics year after year, semester after semester. What's the point in trying anymore? I had to walk out of class today because of a really bad anxiety attack. It was my favorite class too. World Civilizations 2. And I can't even succeed at what I love anymore. I'm through with this! I'm done trying when life just keeps kicking me down! I can't do this. Here I am crying cause I'm failing one of my classes (still my fault) and my parents keep on shoving that in my face, like I'm not good enough. I'm not looking for sympathy. Please. I just want this nightmare to end.
  17. Don't feel sorry for me. It's all my fault. My mental health ALWAYS gets in the ways of my academics year after year, semester after semester. What's the point in trying anymore? I had to walk out of class today because of a really bad anxiety attack. It was my favorite class too. World Civilizations 2. And I can't even succeed at what I love anymore. I'm through with this! I'm done trying when life just keeps kicking me down! I can't do this. Here I am crying cause I'm failing one of my classes (still my fault) and my parents keep on shoving that in my face, like I'm not good enough. I'm not looking for sympathy. Please. I just want this nightmare to end.
  18. For me it makes my depression 10x worse. My family says I've been acting "irrationally" and that I'm crying over nothing. IDK. I'm worried I'm starting to slip again... does anyone else experience this?
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