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sming

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About sming

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    PDoc Confounder

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  1. Thank you, that's kind of you to say. I hear tomorrow whether I'm suitable for VNS, which is about the only thing I've got left to try.
  2. Nardil + Ritalin and Nardil + Adderall were the best combos I've ever been on, and that's saying something. I felt Normal, energetic, ready to tackle the day, could think laterally, was resilient to failure, robust, interpersonal, witty. It was an amazing period. Then my PDoc got cold feet and stopped prescribing the stimulant and I descended back into hell.
  3. I'm not going to talk about the current data on this. I'm going to talk about my own extensive experience with using methylphenidate-based and amphetaminergic meds to treat my decades-long severely Treatment Resistant Depression. In a nutshell, the four Adderall doses I take every day afford me brief glimpses of feeling "normal". I briefly want to do things, care about things and feel mostly human basically. Other than those periods, I desperately want to be dead. And before everyone jumps on the "stimulants are short term, this won't last" wagon, I've been taking this amount of Adderall for over a year. Yes, it is hugely less effective (for my depression) than when first prescribed, but it's still literally invaluable to me for the aforementioned reasons. I cannot convey how important stimulants are to me in my fight against TRD. FTR my regimen is Lexapro, Rexulti, Abilify, Trazodone, Buspar, Adderall. Pete ( X-post from http://dr-bob.org/babble/20190728/msgs/1105693.html )
  4. I have to say ostensibly that I'd love that since I have the opposite - each excruciating 5 minute period can feel like 30 minutes 😕 Well, depression is proven to affect memory and I certainly experience that. It annoys my wife no end that I can't remember things we did or things she told me (unless she's lying.... ). But seriously, depression very much messes with your memory. Best.
  5. I'm sorry that your life is so similar I'm also too cowardly currently to do it. My dumb animal brain's survival instinct is (correctly) immensely resistant to the idea of suicide - "But what if they develop X? But drugs X, Y and Z might work!" type objections pop into my head. It's funny you mention trying too hard. For the first 10 years after I was dx'd with depression, they just threw vanilla CBT at me but I repeatedly told them that the harder I did the exercises, the worse I seemed to get. No-one listened. I actually had severe pure OCD and was spending north of 8 hours a day doing ABC type (you know, Action: Belief: Consequence) CBT exercises. So for me a big key was learning how to try less hard. That is only possible when I am "stable" on meds and since I had some Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) for my pure OCD. Yes, I feel this all the time. People talk about small, trivial, Normal concerns and I just feel like I'm from a different planet. Their World is just so unlike my reality. I haven't been "me" for 25 years now.
  6. Your post instantly reminded me of Radiohead's amazing song "True Love Waits" : I'm not living I'm just killing time This is how I feel 90% of the time. I'm just waiting until I die. I have 2 young kids and I love them to bits (in the rare occasions that I can feel loving) but I wish I hadn't had them. This is because they make it nigh on impossible for me to kill myself. Whenever I start planning (e.g. insurance, funeral, method etc.) I reach the "last message to kids" bit and break down. I just can't do it. So, they're unwittingly keeping me alive, basically. FTR I've tried TMS, ECT, MAOI's, LSD, all the AD combos, AP's, you name it. I'm super TR, tragically. I am hoping to get VNS done shortly and that's basically my last chance at feeling anything approaching human. Since it operates roughly on a similar basis to ECT, I do not have much hope that it will help. Pete
  7. What makes you think they Lyrica is addictive? It's not a benzo.
  8. I'm on Lyrica for pain and it hasn't affected my weight at all. I don't think it's had any anxiolytic effect but it's worked wonders for my chronic pain. HTH.
  9. I didn't say they weren't true. I asserted that they lost effectiveness after a few years for me since they didn't overall reduce the enormous amount of suffering I experience. Of course we all suffer. But I know what's it's like to live without severe depression, and with severe depression. The suffering you experience living with TRD is constant and orders of magnitudes more than the intermittent suffering that a Normal/relatively healthy person encounters. This is one of the reason that people with depression are orders of magnitude more likely to kill themselves than people without depression, for instance. Hence my question remains - what are you supposed to do when you can't stand the suffering? And the answer I've arrived at is "there's nothing you can do, so just suffer". Or end the suffering yourself.
  10. I wish I hadn't accepted it. Whilst following ACT I got married and had kids. I love the kids dearly but I truly, objectively wish I'd never done ACT and thus never had them. My illnesses make me a poor father, husband and general person to be around. ACT sounds great when you first try it, and it sort of helps for a bit but if you're TR, after a while you just can't do it anymore. I'm as stubborn as a mule, fairly tough and really committed to it initially but after 3 or 4 years I just couldn't pretend any more, because that's what it asks you to do - to pretend that you want to do stuff and pretend you're not feeling like human dogshit.
  11. I think you're arguing a different point there. My question was not about taking on unwinnable battles, it was about being unable to tolerate the daily suffering, with no objective end in sight (discounting ending it all). What do you do then? I, personally can't get on with life because I feel utterly worthless and depressed 90% of the time. The answer is "there's nothing you can do, so just suffer". That's what Steven Hayes maintains. But again, what if you can't stand the suffering and worse, the very logical, objective prospect of more suffering? And that's where the complete asshole (I saw him weekly for 2+ years when I was living in London) Windy Dryden chimes in with trite lines like "my depression is difficult to bear but not unbearable - it won't make me explode", and "having severe chronic TRD is bad but not awful. The World isn't going to instantly end because I have TRD". Sure, these approaches lessen the suffering for a few years but after that, they sound amoral and ridiculous.
  12. Same here. Mindfulness and OCD do not mix well for me at all. FWIW the only thing that helped with my horrific Pure O OCD was Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), where you systematically, gradually expose yourself to your intrusive, terrifying thoughts. I still have Pure O (about committing suicide, ironically) but it's about 30% of what it was. HTH.
  13. but what if what you can't change (e.g. severe TRD and OCD) causes you to suffer greatly every day with objectively no end in sight? I've adopted mindfulness and acceptance into my mental health "armoury" but it only helps with anxiety for me. When I'm catatonically - or "SATW" (Stare At The Wall) - depressed, I'm too low/bad to even think of doing mindfulness and when I do, it's overwhelmingly too much effort for too little benefit.
  14. I didn't know I had severe depression and OCD for 5+ years. I then got treatment but it was too late. The brain connections and pathways that the obsessive depression/OCD thinking had forged were far too entrenched to be undone. My various therapists (mostly CBT) also managed not to diagnose my rampant OCD for another five years. I'm pretty bitter about that. I've had 5 or 6 horrible misdiagnoses in my life - I've been exceptionally unlucky. On that tip, after 25 years of suffering and fighting, it would appear that my body, brain and I are not for this World.
  15. Hi, I think I'm a few years "ahead" (poor choice of word) of you. I've Atypical/Treatment Resistant depression and I've had it for 25 years. 90% of my day is spent feeling very depressed and worthless. To answer your question, I truly don't know if accepting it helps or not. I've tried fighting it for about 15 years, and accepting it for about 10 years. I don't think I could have accepted it unless I'd fought it for a good while since I'm a stubborn bastard. I know that fighting it made my depression worse if anything, since I also have OCD and doing loads and loads of CBT exercises just fueled my OCD, making my depression worse. I also tried ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) and that just dug me a giant hole. It kept me alive but now that I'm done, it's just making things harder. I think what I'm trying to say is that if you're very treatment-resistant, both options are truly horrible I'm afraid to say. There's no comfort or solace in either and both are horrific "choices". I wish I had something more positive to relay but that's what I've experienced, for what it's worth. Pete
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