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About sming

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    PDoc Confounder

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    none - I have anhedonia

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  1. I could have written this. I can just about hold a job down with tons and tons of stimulants, approx 120mg Ritalin or Adderall. Each dose of 15mg takes ~35 mins to start lifting my mood and energy and is mostly ineffective after 90 mins. So I get these hour-long periods of life, interspersed by severe anhedonia, inattentiveness and depression. But often my OCD, DP/DR and/or my chronic pain ruin these precious hours PS hey @mikl_pls ! I will double-down on replying to you this weekend. Said OCD and ADD make reading replies nigh-on impossible πŸ˜” Pete
  2. I could have written your post @echolocation. I'm very depressed (TRD), have OCD, DP/DR, chronic pain and severe IBS-C . "Yay!" I simply cannot "see" the [potential] reward of watching a movie I haven't watched before, because I might not like it. Hence I don't/can't watch new films or listen to new music for that matter. This is really bad but it takes a backseat to my other problems TBH. However, I can listen to new authors via audiobook (sometimes) and try out new podcasts - as long as they're genres I like (which is reasonable for Normals I'd hazard to say). But even that I find literally impossible most of the time. Like trying a new pod will somehow kill me (BTW an irrational fear of rapid, autopilot-style suicide is the source of my OCD). In a nutshell (no pun intended), I'm fooked in the bonce and I've no idea what's going on cognitively - I've tried for decades to work it out but it evades me to this day. I've recently accepted my "position" on this topic, mostly. Mainly because I otherwise brutally blame the living shit out of myself for not watching or listening-to new stuff, which exacerbates... well, everything. So now I don't even try. Which is bad and sad.
  3. It does as it happens. OxyContin is long-acting. I don't think that'd help tho cos LA meds, in my experience, simply give you less control over when you get the active ingredients and naturally spread the same amount over a long period, thus reducing their effect almost completely, in my case πŸ˜• That's a very good idea. I tried Tramadol a couple of times and it did zilch for pain or mood. Anyone know any opiates more similar to Oxycodone that I could try. I believe switching things up is referred to as "cross tolerance". I.e. you take advantage of cross tolerance to keep the brain guessing and not down/up regulating to effectively defeat the beneficial effects. As with all the other nootropics, vitamins and other non-psychotropic substances I've tried over the 20+ years, NAC did zilch for me I just seem to have a tw@t for a brain, quite frankly 😞 Thanks for the ideas though @Blahblah. Pete
  4. Hi, I have TRD and CP and was getting good effect from 4x5mg Oxycodone for about 2 years. It helped a bit with the chronic pain but more importantly it helped with the terrible anhedonia and depression I suffer. I would get a solid 45 minutes of β€œnormality” from each dose - I’d actually care about things. However in Feb I had an operation which went a bit wrong and left me in a lot of nerve pain. They prescribed extra oxycodone, which let me have a great February but now the 5mg, or even 20mg oxycodone leaves me feeling empty and anhedonic. The obvious conclusion is that my tolerance has shot up. This is personally devastating as those 45 minutes of normality allowed me to connect with Normal humans, to feel human, to feel... alive. Not high - just normally alive. Anyway, my question is: can I get the oxycodone response back? If so, what is the best way to do that? Taper down to 0mg? Taper to 10mg? For how long? How quickly should I taper back up? - I’ve no idea. If anyone could shed any light on this area, I’d be extremely grateful. Be well, Pete
  5. Sounds dubious to me, I've never heard that recommendation.
  6. That's interesting because I find that 30mg (which is I've the recommended max) works well for my TR OCD. But that's mainly because it makes me consistently pretty depressed and very anhedonic, and my OCD is only triggered when I'm feeling better/relatively OK. I'm on 25mg and that appears to be my sweet spot. Good but not great for OCD, and doesn't exacerbate my depression too much. HTH
  7. Hey @Equilibrium022x, your stack is very similar to mine. I wonder if our TRD brains are like peas in a pod? BTW 30mg Lexapro was also excellent for my TR OCD but the main reason (I think) it was so effective was because it made me so anhedonic, that I just didn't care about trying to control my "dangerous" thoughts (a.k.a. "Spikes"). My spikes require me to be feeling OK-ish in order to fire and 30mg removed that criteria, effectively. FTR, my current witch's brew (in mg) is : 300 Lyrica, 50 Percocet (chronic pain), 2 Lorazepam (breakthrough OCD fear/terror), 200 Provigil (daytime somnolence/exhaustion), 2.5 Abilify, 20 Lexapro, 15 Ritalin OR 15 Adderall, - I need to take one of these two every 2 hours or my mood goes from ~5/10 to 2/10. It's like clockwork. No PDoc has been able to explain this to me. 40 Fetzima, 45 Buspar (anxiety), 300 Trazodone, 50 diphenhydramine (sleep) Cheers, Pete
  8. This is interesting because I read the same i.e. "no withdrawal" and BAM did I get withdrawal from Provigil. I was taking 400mg and doing well for ~ 5 days and then it pooped-out, so I just quit cold turkey. I basically went completely catatonic for 2 days until I found those few reports of severe withdrawal, took 200mg and felt human again in under 2 hours. Beware! Since then I tapered 400 -> 300, 300 -> 200, 200 -> 100, 100 -> 50 and now am off. I spent about 5 days on each dose. HTH.
  9. That's not a bad idea. Yeah it's def "roughly" two weeks since it has several active metabolites IIRC. I might try that as well once my meds go back to their pre-op levels (as right now I'm doing much better due to the large doses of Oxy...). I thought the keto diet had been mostly debunked as effectively just being a low-calorie diet? I'm way, way too depressed to exercise. I barely have enough energy to make a cup of tea most of the time, let alone go for a run or something proactive. Huh. Sounds like the meds really are doing a number on you πŸ˜• I'm fairly athletic under the extra med lbs. You can see it now and again if I hold my breathe in, lol.
  10. Well, if you ever "unlock" these things (like some PDoc's and T's think you can, and then you are just light-years better), then I'll be fucking jealous as fuck! I've had numerous T's and PDoc's ask very awkward questions (e.g. were you touched etc.) about my youth and I honestly can't think of anything untowards at all. I've wracked my brains many times 😞
  11. Isn't it also a feature of BPD? I seem to remember a guy with I think BPD who was hypersensitive like me. There's also this non-condition now : Do I Have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? which asks: High sensitivity about the possibility of rejection Overly high standards for yourself Feeling easily triggered toward guilt or shame Isolating yourself in a preemptive strike not to be rejected Aggressive or rageful behavior toward those who have been perceived to have slighted you Frequently feeling an uncomfortable physical reaction due to "not fitting in" or being misunderstood Self-esteem that is entirely dependent on what others think, and rises and falls accordingly Frequent and intense ruminating after an interaction about how you did or said something wrong Sounds like me to a tee. The only person I can play "competitively" is my 9yo son, which is a beautiful thing but also tragic that he's literally my gateway into a passion I've loved my whole life (videogaming). If he doesn't fancy a game, I'm done. If he wants to play with his buddies, I'm done. Etc. etc. One can hope @mikl_pls. I don't mean to pour cold water on shit but I've had a few therapists who were licking their lips when they started work with me only to end up throwing their hands up after a few months/years and teflon-ing me off to some other poor sod.
  12. Tried Zelnorm and Amitiza - same deal, gah. My gut just does not like being told to empty itself. If you pull the plug on it (from the other end), it doesn't seem to go into crazy cramping Β―\_(ツ)_/Β― I couldn't find anything on "Meclobemide" and Moclobemide is obviously the old MAOI. OK, here's the deal: if I don't do it, you don't do it - capiche? (sure that's gonna work...). Exactly! We wouldn't be on the bloody med merry go round if they bloody worked, would we!!?? That really pisses me off. It also pisses me off that I get berated and preached-at for ordering extra stimulants online. I wouldn't have to do it if I was allowed a sufficient amount, would I!?? Really? I've stuck out a bunch of meds that I've had bad reactions to and none, literally none that I can recall have somehow majestically risen up and become helpful. They typically just get worse and worse. Speaking of naloxone, when negotiating (cause getting logical/obvious post-op painkillers now is like getting blood from a stone...) how much Oxy I can get for my severe post-op pain with my pharmacist, she offered up that they have naloxone and it doesn't need a script. You know, just in case like... like I'm an addict. 😞 THIS THIS. I love Hearthstone. But I can only watch others play it on YouTube because I'm terrified of feeling too hurt from losing, or being humiliated. Or both. I've tried every trick in the CBT, REBT, ACT and ERP books to no avail. I just can't do it -_-... Also because there's not as much money in depression as there is in cancer or obesity... And that religion "if only you could see..." trip. I don't get it that much because I no longer interact with a wide range of people but it's just the worst. The thing is, if "seeing" God worked, I'd bloody well do it! I WANT to see because then I'd feel better!!! Jesus. It's powerful for you too as well then. I tried the oscillating dose and it... didn't help. Perhaps I need to do 5 days @2mg, 5 days @5mg, alternating or something like that. God knows. That is a severe weight gain. Christ. I'm 200lb but normally am 175lb and I hate it. I'm so sorry (for us both) dude 😞
  13. @mikl_pls - am writing in segments as one long reply was really buggy with text disappearing...? Hah, that's exactly what happened to me last week on 1mg Guanfacine, which is like an NRI I think? My energy and focus were improved but I was purely focused upon SI! I was offered Naltrexone (or even tried it..?) because of my chronic opiate use and IIRC it did not go well. They wanted me on buprenorphine (Suboxone) as well but I read a lot of horror reviews online. Docs tended to dump people off of the opiate and onto Suboxone and pretend it was as effective as the opiate and that the problem was solved. Naturally that didn't go well for most folks... Oh man, they let me fly. I just developed post-op thoracic radiculopathy (squished root nerves - oww) and I'm on 15mg Oxycodone doses up from 5mg. It is bliss. My depression is so, so much better. But will I be allowed to stay on it? Of course not. I had to fight to get barely enough pain suppression before returning home 😞 I def know hitherto, but wasn't aware of thitherto - most splendid. you've got me thinking now. Perhaps I can take time off of work just to push through the somnolence/anhedonia barrier and onto 10mg and up... Hmm. If it's potentially like Adderall then that would be nothing short of magic for me. Oh, bugger. That sounds like my anhedonia. I just feel soulless, vacuous, devoid of meaning and purpose. Oh man, we are tragic twins again. This is exactly the sort of thing I'm struggling with. As you age (I'm 44), your MI tends to get worse and more set in. So is my increasing anhedonia down to that, or to just being really depressed, or Abilify, or Abilify + Fetzima, or ... you get the picture πŸ˜• You're absolutely right. I can't stand it when someone tells me exactly how my 4 psychotropics are interacting, or even how just Abilify does. No-one really knows why they affect mood, MI, cognitions. Of course it's not that simple with me. I felt better for a few days and then back down the toilet. I think I mentioned that I might start oscillating between 1.125mg and 5mg - try and keep my down/up-regulating asshole of a brain guessing, you know? Thanks again dude.
  14. Hey @mikl_pls, please accept my customary apology for being so tardy replying. I'll try and address your feedback in one go this time. I tried Linzess and it's just like any other IBS-C med - it causes my pain to skyrocket and doesn't help me to go ¯\_(- -)_/¯ Yeah, I've heard that a fair few times. I'm certain I have inattentive ADD but it's hard to tease that out from anhedonia, dysthymia and good old MDD 😞 I like the sound of this protriptyline. I might ask for that. w.r.t. self-loathing, I think I'm some regional champ. Any "mistake" w.r.t. my OCD rules and I instantly, repetitively loathe myself for "jeopardizing my life". WTF. No amount of logical arguments against it can stop it once it's triggered. Wow you really went through the wringer on the Clomipramine eh? A lot of my med attempts go like that and then the PDoc's down the line look at you like you never stuck things out.
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