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sming

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About sming

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    PDoc Confounder

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  1. no one? I'm really surprised. It's quite effective for TRD. Apparently responding well to ECT is a good indicator. Shame I didn't respond at all to ECT then...
  2. I couldn't find many informative or recent posts on this topic so wanted to ask myself. Anyone tried it? How did you fare on it? Thanks, Pete
  3. I think that's a very good point. I last was undepressed 23 excruciatingly-long years ago. I vaguely remember what it's like but if I suddenly became "Normal" e.g. after waking from a some new procedure, I'd have to pinch myself for several weeks and even then would be literally terrified whenever my mood dipped, because I'd fear a return of this life-destroying disease.
  4. I hear ya @Blahblah. I think you, @Unstrung Harp and I are all in a similar boat: Treatment-Resistant but Helped By Stimulants (TRbHbS). I was taking Concerta (long-acting Ritalin) before that totally pooped-out, then I switched to Adderall and got a good few months of "doing well" on it, before hitting where I'm at now, where I just fake it and suffer between doses. I have a job and 2 kids and am always wondering when you're supposed to be able to take one of these fabled breaks!!! I don't know about you guys but I find that workplaces and kids aren't terribly understanding about taking 2-3 days out because you're taking a med break. Not to mention the suffering that would occur on those days Whilst I remember, my current PDoc, who I like, had a good tidbit on Stimulants: the anti-depressant (or "mood elevating") effect poops out but the anti-ADD effect does not. Makes a lot of sense to me as that's what's happened for us. This afternoon I was literally staring at my screen not moving much for 2, excruciating hours, hoping no-one would notice. I couldn't think straight enough to put on a work-related video or anything, my brain fog & depression were that bad Pete
  5. I face the same questions all the time. My depression changes "texture" depending on what meds I'm on, it never goes away. Is depression with lots of SI but little other suffering much "worse" than depression with tons of suffering and no SI? I don't know and I'm not sure it's useful to know. Actually, one tool I use monthly is the Goldberg Depression Scale. This is not perfect by any means but at least it's mostly consistent (I give myself lower scores when filling it out when very depressed, for example) if you use it regularly. I hope this helps a bit. W.r.t. Adderall, I used to get 5 hours of relief from it and now I get 1-1.5 hours. So I have to live my life in these little bursts of feeling human. All other times I literally do not have any detectable thoughts going on. My soul and mind are just dead. I do not want to do a single thing. Everything and everyone is shit. Nothing is good.
  6. My stock answer to the "am I depressed?" question is: if you find yourself even asking that question, you are depressed. From what you write and our past conversations, you are most definitely depressed. Adderall-time (~ 1.5h duration) is the only time during the day I feel remotely human. All other times I strongly, strongly want to be dead.
  7. I just want to chip in something similar I’ve been experiencing this last week or so. Setting the scene, I’ve had TRD and TR OCD for 24 years now and severe chronic pain for over 10 yeears. Over the last month or so I’ve been on a med combo (can supply if anyone wants) which has sort of alleviated a lot of my severe depression. I’ve also made some behavioural changes that have significantly reduced my pain. I also figured out that I might have Fibromyalgia and started taking meds for that. In essence, I’ve felt the “best” I’ve felt in a long time, along with some hope to top things off. Pertaining to this thread however, I still have lots of SI. To the OP’s point, it’s like the meds are a thin veneer over my savage depression. They sort of paper-over it, rather than addressing it. The only med I’m on that makes me feel human is Adderall and when its effects fade, I get SI within 10 minutes pretty reliably. I’ve since lost hope that the Fibromyalgia meds can help “sufficiently” since I’m getting such vivid SI regularly. So in summary, I’m doing relatively “great”, but I still have vivid, disturbing bouts of SI and depression. Wonderful.
  8. This is a good question. I've been in this situation several times and it's difficult to know what to do. I agree with @Geek that - as long as you know you're safe i.e. it's only ideation and no planning - going inpatient is of dubious benefit. There's still a huge amount of social stigma attached to it, it's a rigid and inflexible regimen in there and you can't leave of your own volition if you're deemed a suicide risk. Also, the people you're inpatient with make a huge difference. I had a horrible start (guy I was sharing the room with left faeces on the floor, and that was just for starters) but later on met some amazing people who "got" my illnesses because they have it too. It's not often you come across others in your boat, when your boat is TRD, TR OCD and chronic pain. HTH a bit. Pete
  9. Nontrivial DX's are a total shitshow. Adderall is the only - and I mean only - med that helps me and I have a DX of atypical/TR depression with severe OCD!?! I have all the symptoms of Fibromyalgia, ADD and probably half a dozen other mental illnesses to boot. It's just that no-one I've seen has put the pieces together or I've not ticked all 17 boxes precisely for some DX. Total shitshow for people like me. And because Adderall is a controlled substance (don't get me started), I only get 3x20mg a day and hence I have to live my life in 1.5h spurts 3x a day, giving me 4.5h of feeling human out of ~ 16 waking hours. It fucking blows.
  10. I can't find the DSM definition. Is it an official DX? FTR I have extreme rejection sensitivity, OCD, TRD and other nasties.
  11. Sorry for the tardy response, you know how it is. Anyway to answer your question, my pain doc said “probably” - which I quite liked since barring the 19-point pain test (which I wouldn’t pass), there’s no way to definitively test for Fibromyalgia. I check every single box barring that one. Functionally (and it’s a functional DX) I’m identical to a Fibromyalgia sufferer. I’m new to the Fibromyalgia world though so I couldn’t say if it’s still so poorly treated. That said I don’t doubt there’s a lot of physicians out there who’re ignorant as fook about it. I just wanted to say that if you guys ( @Blahblah & @Twizzy etc. - wow! They finally fixed the tag functionality!) make any progress or find anything out, please ping me as I’m not good at keeping up with forums (evidently...). Pete
  12. I'm really sorry to hear this Blahblah. Have you looked into Fibromyalgia? I tick all the boxes except the most defining symptom of "widespread pain" - sudden IBS, fatigue, pain, costochondritis, hot flashes, the works. Which is incredibly frustrating since it leaves me without a dx and with all the nightmare symptoms of Fibro. Great.
  13. Yes. I can be "quite OK" at 7pm and "unable to see out" at 7:20pm, for example. Quite often for me the trigger/cause is my chronic pain suddenly kicking in and me confusing it for a sudden onset of deep depression (they often feel similar since both really, really hurt). Yep, this is very familiar. One minute suicide seems very, very logical and an hour later I feel like I must have been tripping to seriously contemplate it. One "hidden" factor (which I've suffered from for 20+ years, sadly) might be a fear of "suddenly" committing suicide, which then develops into full blown OCD about it. Be conscious of thoughts such as "don't think about suicide" or "don't think about how nice being dead would be". If you're observing/noticing/having those thoughts, I'd strongly recommend finding an OCD specialist before it's too late and the OCD gets burnt into your brain, like in my case. HTH, Pete
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