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sming

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  • Gender
    male
  • Location
    NYC
  • Interests
    none - I have anhedonia

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  1. Hey, I can empathize to some extent and I'm really sorry you're so depressed. I myself am happy about not going into the office as much and would prefer I not go in at all. However being in the apartment all day does make me feel more lonely and isolated. Esp since my wife and I are divorcing so there's no support or warmth from that relationship. TBH I was basically a hermit before Covid and Covid gives me a convenient excuse for not going to social engagements or trips out. Either way I hope you start feeling better. Pete
  2. If you have OCD then Clomipramine might be worth a look. I've just started it. First few days were ok/good but things took a big turn for the worse today. It's early days tho and I'm highly atypical so remember that YMMV in such things.
  3. Just FTR I spoke to my PDoc yesterday and she said a lot of her clients use SI as a release valve, as relief, that there is an end in sight, albeit your end, if if you get my drift. I've actually started planning for when I eventually do it should I not get better. Spreadsheets, documents, lists, plans. I find it mostly relieving except for when I have to consider my kids and what I might say to them. That just crushes me and leaves me crying.
  4. I have a DX of severe treatment-resistant depression, OCD and ADD and other nasty stuff but I experience the very same: I feel human/ok/normal for about 1.5 hours after taking Ritalin and then I feel horrific again. I have tried every class of antidepressant, many combos, ECT, dTMS, Ketamine to no avail. Only a methylphenidate-based or amphetamine-based stimulant lifts me out of the hell, albeit briefly. Pete
  5. Every day for multiple periods throughout the day, the worst being at bedtime for some reason. I've tried everything and TBH haven't found a reliable way to cope. I mainly just take note that I'm having SI and move into a more observer role i.e. I try to "watch" these thoughts and feelings rather than live them. At bedtime they're too pervasive so I just let them hit my and cry etc. I do not proffer my SI to my PDoc, but answer if asked. Since I'm so TR, there's not much they can do. Don't know as I've never had remission in 27 years of having TRD, TR-OCD and DP/DR and other shite. Which is mostly why I have so much SI in the first place "lol". PS hello everyone, long time no see
  6. I’ve been on 15, 20, 25 and 30mg. I also take a boatload of other meds and one doc - Ketamine doc IIRC - was very concerned that I was at 30mg and asked I go down to 20mg, so I did. Other than that I personally found that 25mg and above made me even more depressed and anhedonic. Very slow to do everything, no interest in anything but it also quashed my horrific OCD very well. YMMV as always of course. Pete
  7. no, never heard of that! but it's in the realm of "shock the brain out of its [unhealthy] autopilot mode", one would expect? To that end, I suspect a cold pack wouldn't do it, unless it's frozen and you shove it right into your armpit or nether regions? I would love to find something that snapped me out of my compulsive self loathing so keep us updated please. Pete
  8. I could have written this. I can just about hold a job down with tons and tons of stimulants, approx 120mg Ritalin or Adderall. Each dose of 15mg takes ~35 mins to start lifting my mood and energy and is mostly ineffective after 90 mins. So I get these hour-long periods of life, interspersed by severe anhedonia, inattentiveness and depression. But often my OCD, DP/DR and/or my chronic pain ruin these precious hours PS hey @mikl_pls ! I will double-down on replying to you this weekend. Said OCD and ADD make reading replies nigh-on impossible 😔 Pete
  9. I could have written your post @echolocation. I'm very depressed (TRD), have OCD, DP/DR, chronic pain and severe IBS-C . "Yay!" I simply cannot "see" the [potential] reward of watching a movie I haven't watched before, because I might not like it. Hence I don't/can't watch new films or listen to new music for that matter. This is really bad but it takes a backseat to my other problems TBH. However, I can listen to new authors via audiobook (sometimes) and try out new podcasts - as long as they're genres I like (which is reasonable for Normals I'd hazard to say). But even that I find literally impossible most of the time. Like trying a new pod will somehow kill me (BTW an irrational fear of rapid, autopilot-style suicide is the source of my OCD). In a nutshell (no pun intended), I'm fooked in the bonce and I've no idea what's going on cognitively - I've tried for decades to work it out but it evades me to this day. I've recently accepted my "position" on this topic, mostly. Mainly because I otherwise brutally blame the living shit out of myself for not watching or listening-to new stuff, which exacerbates... well, everything. So now I don't even try. Which is bad and sad.
  10. It does as it happens. OxyContin is long-acting. I don't think that'd help tho cos LA meds, in my experience, simply give you less control over when you get the active ingredients and naturally spread the same amount over a long period, thus reducing their effect almost completely, in my case 😕 That's a very good idea. I tried Tramadol a couple of times and it did zilch for pain or mood. Anyone know any opiates more similar to Oxycodone that I could try. I believe switching things up is referred to as "cross tolerance". I.e. you take advantage of cross tolerance to keep the brain guessing and not down/up regulating to effectively defeat the beneficial effects. As with all the other nootropics, vitamins and other non-psychotropic substances I've tried over the 20+ years, NAC did zilch for me I just seem to have a tw@t for a brain, quite frankly 😞 Thanks for the ideas though @Blahblah. Pete
  11. Hi, I have TRD and CP and was getting good effect from 4x5mg Oxycodone for about 2 years. It helped a bit with the chronic pain but more importantly it helped with the terrible anhedonia and depression I suffer. I would get a solid 45 minutes of “normality” from each dose - I’d actually care about things. However in Feb I had an operation which went a bit wrong and left me in a lot of nerve pain. They prescribed extra oxycodone, which let me have a great February but now the 5mg, or even 20mg oxycodone leaves me feeling empty and anhedonic. The obvious conclusion is that my tolerance has shot up. This is personally devastating as those 45 minutes of normality allowed me to connect with Normal humans, to feel human, to feel... alive. Not high - just normally alive. Anyway, my question is: can I get the oxycodone response back? If so, what is the best way to do that? Taper down to 0mg? Taper to 10mg? For how long? How quickly should I taper back up? - I’ve no idea. If anyone could shed any light on this area, I’d be extremely grateful. Be well, Pete
  12. Sounds dubious to me, I've never heard that recommendation.
  13. That's interesting because I find that 30mg (which is I've the recommended max) works well for my TR OCD. But that's mainly because it makes me consistently pretty depressed and very anhedonic, and my OCD is only triggered when I'm feeling better/relatively OK. I'm on 25mg and that appears to be my sweet spot. Good but not great for OCD, and doesn't exacerbate my depression too much. HTH
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