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ThisIsNotLiving

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About ThisIsNotLiving

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  1. I am sorry you go through that. That sounds like what I go through and it's nice to know I am not alone. I am really hoping that more therapy will get into this. So far we've just been talking through the recent stressors and she's been grounding me and throwing in some CBT.
  2. Right? I can remember being suicidal as early as 9 but this seems to be closely related to trauma and triggers. I get into a very depersonalized state and depression takes hold and then I feel unsafe. I don't know what to do, other than therapy and pray.
  3. I am dealing with a myriad of Dx's, so it's hard for me to know what's organic to what. Sometimes when I relive trauma, when something happens to rehash it, for instance, having to meet with law enforcement to re-tell the story of a brutal assault with strangulation and threats with guns and knives, I just slipped away into a place where I don't want to live. There have been times in the past, where flashbacks and retellings have caused me to "slip away" again and eventually I just become so depressed I do not feel life is worth living. I am not sure if it's bipolar acting up, or a combination of being PTSD and bipolar. I just want to know if anyone else experiences relapsing depressive episodes after triggers? It sucks because anything can be a trigger. A TV show, a conversation, a random train of thought that leads you too far back, a news story, etc. Everyday I am exposed to triggers and I learn to deal with some, to try and identify when I am being affected by the trauma, but as for coping...I guess I should do some more reading. Because I can't cope. I can't even focus.
  4. not only am i becoming totally useless at work and out of it and just frustrated but i am having suicidal thoughts and i don't know why. if i had nothing to lose, like job and school, i'd just go inpatient and get all my meds fucking straightened out. i am so frustrated.
  5. Yeah, I think I feel fine but I don't have a lot of energy. I always attributed it to a depression but today I am going to try the 3 times a day instead of the 4 and see how that goes. I'd rather not end up with worse anxiety from being on too much benzo for too long but in my fairytale world, she would have said this is your miracle pill and you're fine.
  6. People with chronic pain get addicted, too. It's not just whiny little problem avoiders. And if you ask an addict the day they chose to be an addict, I guarantee none of them can tell you. Most of them came from situations where chemical dependency was the norm. Most of them have mental health issues, to begin with and start self-medicating. You sure do seem to demonize them. I get angry, too. I also have severe debilitating pain that my doctor is too afraid to treat with opiates because I am a mentally ill liability. She doesn't see me as a suffering patient in need of relief. She sees me as a threat to her medical license and she's even made that clear. It sickens me. My pain is real. My pain is horrible. And I should not be forced to just "deal with it" but I am. I still don't blame the addicts or anyone who is suffering because of opiates. It's a fucked system, but I agree with Colorado Kid.It hits a nerve because I've been through addiction, just not to opiates. For me, all it took was a bad childhood, bad self-esteem, suicidal ideation, familial drug use, and one bad choice to get me rolling into addiction.
  7. They sent me to a shrink when I was 9. They started me on ADHD meds at 12-13 and that's when I started experimenting. They switched me over to antidepressants and antipsychotics, but mental health came first for me. Real addiction didn't set in until I was 18, but it was brief and I suddenly became sober until I was 20. 20-24 were the hardest years in terms of addiction. 20-23 was a hard time with meth. 23-24 was with alcohol. I have 16 months clean from drugs(not counting pot) and 61 days sober from drinking.
  8. At least she's doing it slowly. I am on 1mg 4 times a day. She wants me to go down to 3 times a day for a month. This just sucks. I haven't even been on benzo's long, this is the first time I see her, and that's the very first thing she wants to do is fuck up what's been saving my life? I know I need to adjust my attitude. But I have PTSD. Panic disorder. GAD. Etc. How can she do this to me?
  9. 17 days and still going. on point with my meds every day. =] getting help from outreach stuff tomorrow.
  10. Hi. You can call me whatever. If I stick around, I'll get a nickname. I made this stupid username last night but I didn't post anything. I just got out of the psych ward. I think a lot of us are suffering Iatrogenesis (from the Greek for "brought forth by the healer") refers to any effect on a person, resulting from any activity of one or more persons acting as healthcare professionals or promoting products or services as beneficial to health, that does not support a goal of the person affected. Trying to stay positive. I am now on latuda, ativan, gabapentin, and trazodone. I do feel better this way. I was manic and alcoholic and self injuring. I checked myself into ER and said I didn't feel safe. They took me to a psych ward(again). I haven't been to one since last November. I resisted meds and got out before my hold was up, per the doctor. This time I feel more serious about tackling my mental health. That's where I am at. 10 days sober and counting.
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