lefer

Although I feel down, i dont think it's depression. I dont feel calm. I feel i should be doing something with my life. But i unable to because Im not well.

I have SAD bipolar type. I'm unrestful all day long. I can't even stay in bed because I'm not at peace. What are your advises and experiences?

Does anybody feel that you are guilty for not working? Like the doctors and someone else find you are lazy? I have schizoaffective bipolar type, but never had hallucinations. Only disorganized thinking. I have tremendous anxiety and sometimes depression. Also, does anyone feel like everybody else is fed up with you. I find people don't listen to me.

Do you fear being in public and eye contact?

I scarcely have appointments with the pdoc. It's been more than a year since I haven't got one. This is because I'm on the national health system and things there don't work as the private sector. He thinks I should be working and am able, I think. The therapist says a bunch of stuff so I can get on with my life, but it's a waste of my time. I have an appointment once a month more less. I'm not convinced with her talk. It's blah blah blah that is not going to take my problems away. Nor do I feel at peace talking about it nor do my worries disappear or get better. It's sh*t. Thanks for the interest.

I wrote several people emails telling them hash things because I was hurt with things they said in the past. Because I was in a manic or psychotic crisis (never know which is which) I interpreted a text that I read, "to put my house in order", and decided to put my emotions in order, and then I went and said what hurt me and proceeded to point flaws in their lives in a hard way and being rather offensive. Now I don't have no one, not that there were many, but at least I got invited to birthdays and occasional mingling in a coffee shop, walks in the park. People don't care if I have a mental illness. They only see the things I said. They don't understand nor care too. I doubt if any of them ever researched or even know what is the illness I have. "For fun times moment only friends" are not for me. But a real friend is hard to find. People don't like suffering around them. I read somewhere, in a psychology article that loneliness was contagious. I'm also alone. I too suffer depression, apart from my fears. I give thanks for never having had hallucinations in my illness. I apologized too. Most of them accepted the apologies but I don't get invited to anything. No birthdays, no walks in the park, no coffee, no nothing. And as I do not work, I spend all my time with my parents. There is strenuous friction because I deal with them all day long. I can't afford to have a place of my own, nor am I able to work. And I'm not getting younger. I feel like a child. This is embarrassing. There is no one I can reach out to mingle and dialogue and go out on walks. I summary: It's crap. I try to be grateful for the things I have, a house, clothes, food, not being completely alone. BUT it's very difficult to live with this illness, SZA bipolar type, I'm quite angry with the world, with God, despite trying to pray for a change. It's hard to believe in better days.

It's tough. I understand. Then I question if anybody is anybody's friend really, or they are only friends when they take pleasure out of the relationship. But of course this doesn't take away the loneliness.

Hi. I lost the remaining contact with the persons I knew some years ago because in a crisis I wrote them some stuff that was bottled inside. Does anyone else lost all their friends because of your illness or since your illness, with a reason or without reason? And what do you do now?

Right on. I totally get it.

Sorry, I missed it.

I don't see where that is important. The question isn't what means would someone use to save the world.

I know I posted the little globe, but when I mean the globe I mean the people. Save the people from emotional suffering.

Has anyone had the idea to save the world?

Where I live, my doctor is from the national health system and it's free, but it's awful. I only have an appointment for January, and it will have passed 1 year and half since my last appointment. My doctor is very condescending. I dislike him. And because private doctors are expensive and it's my parents who pay, and they don't want to pay a private doctor, I'm stuck with this one. Loving relationships; I've tried online dating, but when I have to disclose why I'm not working and do not work for 11 years (if I say that), and if I'm honest and say I have an illness, then they stop chatting. It makes me sad.

I imagine myself all alone, poor, and old without anyone to talk to. It's hard as hell. I don't know hell, but my life is pretty tormenting. I know many people with this illness commit suicide, and I don't want to. I just want peace, love and relationship. Leaving the medication was pretty much my fault, except this last time, which my previous doctor took me off the antipsychotic. Now I'm taking double the dose. I lost interest in what I used to do. Programming and computer arts. It's been downhill side my relapses. There is close to no support for people with severe mental illnesses where I live. And the one that exists is expensive. Each day is agonizing. I always fear another day.