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  1. Abilify seems to be popular with a lot of people but it just wasn't for me. Biggest side effect was the sleepiness, then it was the attacks of dread and anxiety I would get, and annoyingly (and a little scary), hair loss. The hair loss is like less than 1% of people though. I know the dread was from it because as soon as I stopped it mostly went away. My paranoia was better, and I had no weight gain, but ultimately it just wasn't worth it to me.
  2. Hi @Forstyrra - are you BP I or II? Or not sure? I recently went off Abilify and started Lamictal (Lamotrigine). There is a danger in it because it helps with depression but doesn't guard against mania. I don't think I've ever had full-blown mania so I said I'll try it. I can't report on how it is yet because I'm still at such a low dose. I don't know if this is normal but they start you on such a tiny dose because there's a risk of a deadly rash... so it's going to take like 2 months to even get going. That aspect sucks. But I couldn't handle Abilify because it made me so sleepy all the time no matter when I took it, so at least that's gone.
  3. I was on 600 mg lithium and it wasn't doing anything so they jumped me up to 1200 which I think was really dangerous. I didn't go toxic but I would have really bad nausea, dizziness, forgetting words (oh yeah and lovely constipation despite chugging water). The worst part was that it didn't make me feel any less suicidal. I have anger and irritability issues too and it seemed to actually make those worse. They brought me down to 900, and I was at 8.1, but I never felt better. In the end I'd given it 8 weeks which I feel like was a fair shot.
  4. Ouch, that's really a tough situation then. Can you get financial aid or something, so you don't have to depend on him? I've never been in that situation. But I can see how it would make it impossible to really be honest with him (especially if he's acting this way).
  5. I think I have a bit of the grass-is-greener syndrome. I think if I get out of this culture, if I travel and see the world and meet people living differently, alternative lifestyles or something (like living in communes or ecovillages) that I will find community and people I can truly communicate with and somehow build real relationships with. I know what you mean even if I don't think I've ever had a "meaningful relationship" - if I don't figure out how to have one, that would be sad. That would be like a whole chapter of life unwritten.
  6. I think this sentiment is why I enjoy "The Walking Dead" so much!! That sounds like an awful place to be. I don't think you are a freak. I just think you're seeing a select group of people who are all really good at staying busy. Maybe to purposefully avoid the larger questions in life. That's what I think sometimes. I don't want kids or a spouse or a house or anything like that. I wouldn't mind being on my feet financially and have a stable job and be able to travel, but I don't want any of that permanent stuff. I do feel a little freakish because people just assume that everybody wants those same things. And then I think, maybe I only think I don't want those things, because I am so depressed? Who knows. So do you truly want those things, or do you WANT to want those things? lol... if you feel like elaborating
  7. Nope I don't have any close friends. I am single and I live with my older brother who I'm not very close with. I've met people here and there but I always sink back into isolation. And yeah I get bored and lonely. I just keep telling myself once this new medication gets going, maybe I'll feel more like "myself" and not so awkward. (...and this just keeps happening as I try one med after another, of course) So I sit here and try to pass the time and try to read up on things and "improve myself" and wait to feel better, to feel like I'm not a thousand different people inside. I want to socialize now, and I think I desperately need to be around people, but the anxiety and the awkwardness get in the way. Also, I get suicidal too and then it's "what's the point?" Yeah that's a doozy of a question/conundrum. When I think about this in terms of my own self, I always am looking through the lens of, everybody else is living in a world that is about to crumble and then it will all just be chaos sooner or later... because I have this persistent view that the modern world is like a house of cards and we are really on the brink of disaster. This view tends to put my own situation in a different light. So I'm waiting to feel better, or for the apocalypse, whichever comes first. Do you think the modern world (and all the alienation it engenders) is to blame for your feeling a lack of pleasure in anything? The way that modern technology has made us so fragmented and isolated from each other?
  8. I don't think there's anything wrong with hating your dad and loving God. If you believe that God is love, which I think most Christians do, then you see that your dad is obviously not acting in line with God. And if you look at his entire life and don't see any hope of him reforming, you need to cut yourself off from him. Just because he donated sperm to help create you in the physical sense doesn't mean you owe him anything at all. Not love, not loyalty, nothing. This is my opinion.
  9. That really sucks, Blah! That must have been so demoralizing and such a let-down. It's like people don't see commitments as important anymore. I haven't put myself out there in a while. I commend you for doing so. Maybe you're just getting extremely unlucky. Don't give up! :-/
  10. Yeah that's the problem, what are the chances when I go to the appointment I'll be in that particularly right headspace :-P
  11. Hi @Neuromancer. That's a lot of notches! I am interested in TMS also but I haven't tried that many meds yet. I have a year-old coupon for a float in this isolation tank thingy that is supposed to be "relaxing" but the idea of it has been scaring me. I am going to try acupuncture and some other alternative stuff, in addition to different meds. I hope you can find something that works! Welcome.
  12. Oh wow I have done this. An acquaintance of mine went to Colorado last fall and brought back chocolate chip cookies. I went out of my mind. Or I left a piece of my mind wherever it was that I went... and I haven't felt the same since. It definitely was not good for me (but at moments felt good) and sparked psychosis on occasion. But I just isolated and didn't tell anyone. After that, on and off I smoked and felt like I was able to access fuller parts of myself but then when I come down it's all lost. I still don't know how to wrap my mind around it. Maybe there are some books about this? Has to be, especially since it's becoming legalized in places. Please don't let it be the death of you! I have felt what seems to be to be the absolute height or depth of paranoia, where I think all is lost. It's awful. Anyway I feel you. What specifically was the nature of your freakout?
  13. Ah I just got this movie from the library but had to return it because I didn't get to it in time. I will have to get it again and see it now! These are strange times indeed. How about "Lars and the Real Girl"? That one looked a bit weird or kinky but it's actually a really cute story and funny. The people in his family pretend the doll is real because they know it will help him eventually be able to date a real girl. I don't know if this is a sound method for mental health buuuuutttt.... in the movie it worked.
  14. Same here. My parents moved across the country halfway through high school and I never retained the friends at either school because I left and started my own tour of the country after that. When you get in the habit of starting over, maybe you just get tougher and better at surviving without close friends (to our own detriment). That's too bad that you didn't find exercise classes to be a good way to meet people. I did do a MeetUp once where I went jogging with a group and several people struck up a conversation. I think because it was a group that did a weekly jog which ended at a pub where they ate and caroused afterwards. That aspect of it probably made the difference. Plus, smaller city. Yeah, there used to be a Curves here which was for women, but it went out of business. That may be what you are thinking of. I have tried Zumba over YouTube but I'm so damn uncoordinated. I just have to keep trying random things I guess. Or I might hire one of those people I've heard about called "gym buddies" which are like trainers but without the knowledge, so they are cheaper and all they do is be your buddy at the gym. Feels like paying for friends but... whatever. :-)
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