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Everything posted by Mogli

  1. Abilify seems to be popular with a lot of people but it just wasn't for me. Biggest side effect was the sleepiness, then it was the attacks of dread and anxiety I would get, and annoyingly (and a little scary), hair loss. The hair loss is like less than 1% of people though. I know the dread was from it because as soon as I stopped it mostly went away. My paranoia was better, and I had no weight gain, but ultimately it just wasn't worth it to me.
  2. Hi @Forstyrra - are you BP I or II? Or not sure? I recently went off Abilify and started Lamictal (Lamotrigine). There is a danger in it because it helps with depression but doesn't guard against mania. I don't think I've ever had full-blown mania so I said I'll try it. I can't report on how it is yet because I'm still at such a low dose. I don't know if this is normal but they start you on such a tiny dose because there's a risk of a deadly rash... so it's going to take like 2 months to even get going. That aspect sucks. But I couldn't handle Abilify because it made me so sleepy all the time no matter when I took it, so at least that's gone.
  3. I was on 600 mg lithium and it wasn't doing anything so they jumped me up to 1200 which I think was really dangerous. I didn't go toxic but I would have really bad nausea, dizziness, forgetting words (oh yeah and lovely constipation despite chugging water). The worst part was that it didn't make me feel any less suicidal. I have anger and irritability issues too and it seemed to actually make those worse. They brought me down to 900, and I was at 8.1, but I never felt better. In the end I'd given it 8 weeks which I feel like was a fair shot.
  4. Ouch, that's really a tough situation then. Can you get financial aid or something, so you don't have to depend on him? I've never been in that situation. But I can see how it would make it impossible to really be honest with him (especially if he's acting this way).
  5. I think I have a bit of the grass-is-greener syndrome. I think if I get out of this culture, if I travel and see the world and meet people living differently, alternative lifestyles or something (like living in communes or ecovillages) that I will find community and people I can truly communicate with and somehow build real relationships with. I know what you mean even if I don't think I've ever had a "meaningful relationship" - if I don't figure out how to have one, that would be sad. That would be like a whole chapter of life unwritten.
  6. I think this sentiment is why I enjoy "The Walking Dead" so much!! That sounds like an awful place to be. I don't think you are a freak. I just think you're seeing a select group of people who are all really good at staying busy. Maybe to purposefully avoid the larger questions in life. That's what I think sometimes. I don't want kids or a spouse or a house or anything like that. I wouldn't mind being on my feet financially and have a stable job and be able to travel, but I don't want any of that permanent stuff. I do feel a little freakish because people just assume that everybody wants those same things. And then I think, maybe I only think I don't want those things, because I am so depressed? Who knows. So do you truly want those things, or do you WANT to want those things? lol... if you feel like elaborating
  7. Nope I don't have any close friends. I am single and I live with my older brother who I'm not very close with. I've met people here and there but I always sink back into isolation. And yeah I get bored and lonely. I just keep telling myself once this new medication gets going, maybe I'll feel more like "myself" and not so awkward. (...and this just keeps happening as I try one med after another, of course) So I sit here and try to pass the time and try to read up on things and "improve myself" and wait to feel better, to feel like I'm not a thousand different people inside. I want to socialize now, and I think I desperately need to be around people, but the anxiety and the awkwardness get in the way. Also, I get suicidal too and then it's "what's the point?" Yeah that's a doozy of a question/conundrum. When I think about this in terms of my own self, I always am looking through the lens of, everybody else is living in a world that is about to crumble and then it will all just be chaos sooner or later... because I have this persistent view that the modern world is like a house of cards and we are really on the brink of disaster. This view tends to put my own situation in a different light. So I'm waiting to feel better, or for the apocalypse, whichever comes first. Do you think the modern world (and all the alienation it engenders) is to blame for your feeling a lack of pleasure in anything? The way that modern technology has made us so fragmented and isolated from each other?
  8. I don't think there's anything wrong with hating your dad and loving God. If you believe that God is love, which I think most Christians do, then you see that your dad is obviously not acting in line with God. And if you look at his entire life and don't see any hope of him reforming, you need to cut yourself off from him. Just because he donated sperm to help create you in the physical sense doesn't mean you owe him anything at all. Not love, not loyalty, nothing. This is my opinion.
  9. That really sucks, Blah! That must have been so demoralizing and such a let-down. It's like people don't see commitments as important anymore. I haven't put myself out there in a while. I commend you for doing so. Maybe you're just getting extremely unlucky. Don't give up! :-/
  10. Yeah that's the problem, what are the chances when I go to the appointment I'll be in that particularly right headspace :-P
  11. Hi @Neuromancer. That's a lot of notches! I am interested in TMS also but I haven't tried that many meds yet. I have a year-old coupon for a float in this isolation tank thingy that is supposed to be "relaxing" but the idea of it has been scaring me. I am going to try acupuncture and some other alternative stuff, in addition to different meds. I hope you can find something that works! Welcome.
  12. Oh wow I have done this. An acquaintance of mine went to Colorado last fall and brought back chocolate chip cookies. I went out of my mind. Or I left a piece of my mind wherever it was that I went... and I haven't felt the same since. It definitely was not good for me (but at moments felt good) and sparked psychosis on occasion. But I just isolated and didn't tell anyone. After that, on and off I smoked and felt like I was able to access fuller parts of myself but then when I come down it's all lost. I still don't know how to wrap my mind around it. Maybe there are some books about this? Has to be, especially since it's becoming legalized in places. Please don't let it be the death of you! I have felt what seems to be to be the absolute height or depth of paranoia, where I think all is lost. It's awful. Anyway I feel you. What specifically was the nature of your freakout?
  13. Ah I just got this movie from the library but had to return it because I didn't get to it in time. I will have to get it again and see it now! These are strange times indeed. How about "Lars and the Real Girl"? That one looked a bit weird or kinky but it's actually a really cute story and funny. The people in his family pretend the doll is real because they know it will help him eventually be able to date a real girl. I don't know if this is a sound method for mental health buuuuutttt.... in the movie it worked.
  14. Same here. My parents moved across the country halfway through high school and I never retained the friends at either school because I left and started my own tour of the country after that. When you get in the habit of starting over, maybe you just get tougher and better at surviving without close friends (to our own detriment). That's too bad that you didn't find exercise classes to be a good way to meet people. I did do a MeetUp once where I went jogging with a group and several people struck up a conversation. I think because it was a group that did a weekly jog which ended at a pub where they ate and caroused afterwards. That aspect of it probably made the difference. Plus, smaller city. Yeah, there used to be a Curves here which was for women, but it went out of business. That may be what you are thinking of. I have tried Zumba over YouTube but I'm so damn uncoordinated. I just have to keep trying random things I guess. Or I might hire one of those people I've heard about called "gym buddies" which are like trainers but without the knowledge, so they are cheaper and all they do is be your buddy at the gym. Feels like paying for friends but... whatever. :-)
  15. Thank you! I will look up psychodynamic psychotherapy. I appreciate you telling me that - maybe I can find one here. I am indeed in the US, and there's been so much time spent so far dithering around regarding which diagnoses are correct. It's very interesting to learn this is not the same in other places.
  16. I certainly can relate to that. I have problems knowing what people mean a lot of the time - since we can't hear inflection through these screens. It can get frustrating and then I just quit and go on an internet diet for a while. :-) I would be interested to know what kind of therapist that is, that does not label people. Is that just someone you found randomly, or of a particular school of psychology or something? I'm thinking maybe a more right-brained, or perhaps Eastern mode of thought. I'm switching therapists right now and haven't had a good experience yet.
  17. Are you bipolar? I am and I just learned that for bipolar people, hypomania can cause you to sporadically increase internet time (posting on forums, Facebook etc) just like how for other people who are more social in person, it causes them to be more talkative and, going further toward mania, have "pressured speech." I found that really interesting, because I'm a pretty anti-social person who participates in forums sporadically. I've never gotten into a negative experience like the one you are describing, but I can 100% understand how you would feel like you need to keep checking back on it and knowing what people are saying. I would get obsessed. So I guess I understand that impulse but you're right it shatters peace of mind and you probably can't do anything to change it now it sounds like. Maybe replace this interest with something else, to distract yourself? I hope you can get your peace of mind back.
  18. Well, you could always be right and the internet could be wrong :-)
  19. I'm in that age group. I've gone on sites like MeetUp too and had similar experiences. People join up in a fit of sociability and then later forget all about it. I wonder if people have up and down anxiety like I do, and if that explains the behavior. Or if it's just, organizing social gatherings through the internet is inherently unnatural and a little stilted. It feels sometimes that people in our age group have already found their really close friends and they've kind of closed up shop when it comes to meaningful friendships. I agree @amskray - sometimes exercising is a great way to meet people because you're all there with the same goal, that you're already dedicated (?) to continuing with. I just wish there were more Lady Gyms around! And particularly, women-only pools. It's sad that I allow men in these spaces to keep me away - to keep me from doing what I know would be best for me. Any advice on how to get over this?
  20. If it helps to know: I feel the same. Thank you for the great song. Golden Void speaks to me Denying my reality Lose my body, lose my mind, Flow like wind, flow like wine Down a corridor of flame Will I fly so high again Is there something wrong with me I cannot hear, I cannot see Down a corridor of flame Down a corridor of flame Down a corridor of flame Down a corridor of flame So you think the time is past, The life you lead will always last Chaotic fusion's of your soul, Down below that rocky knoll Through the clouds an open sky, The wind flows through your watering eyes The sounds are pitched to draw you On your never ending journey On The edge of time, The edge of time The edge of time...
  21. I can't tell if this is a serious post or not. @nestorSo causing others to suffer would be gratifying?
  22. Wow it's like you're echoing this book I am reading, Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness by William Styron. It's basically his memoir of depression slipping really far down into suicidality before he finally went to the hospital and discovered he had a meds problem. He says: "Only days before I had concluded that I was suffering from a serious depressive illness, and was floundering helplessly in my efforts to deal with it. I wasn't cheered by the festive occasion that had brought me to France. Of the many dreadful manifestations of the disease, both physical and psychological, a sense of self-hatred -- or, put less categorically, a failure of self-esteem -- is one of the most universally experienced symptoms, and I had suffered more and more from a general feeling of worthlessness as the malady had progressed. My dank joylessness was therefore all the more ironic because I had flown on a rushed four-day trip to Paris in order to accept an award which should have sparklingly restored my ego. [...] By the time we arrived at the museum, having dealt with heavy traffic, it was past four o'clock and my brain had begun to endure its familiar siege: panic and dislocation, and a sense that my thought processes were being engulfed by a toxic and unnameable tide that obliterated any enjoyable response to the living world. This is to say more specifically that instead of pleasure -- certainly instead of the pleasure I should be having in this sumptuous showcase of bright genius -- I was feeling in my mind a sensation close to, but indescribably different from, actual pain." He goes on to attempt to describe the pain. I love his writing. You might give reading memoirs a try at relieving boredom. It somehow feels like taking action against the feelings, but yet since you're being a voyeur on other people's pain, you're not confronting your own pain as directly. Maybe. I'm experiencing the same thing. The things that used to work for me no longer work and I feel a low-level panic of being stuck with myself and wanting to jump out of my skin... and what Styron calls "infantile dread." Yup.
  23. @Lms-Kaz , thank you for introducing me to Meg Myers. She really does expose her soul... the Wikipedia page says, "According to Myers, her goal for her music is simple, stating that 'I want it to make people not afraid to feel.'" That's interesting that you say it challenges your 'cowardly desire to become emotionally transparent.' I think of emotional transparency as a good thing, like allowing the blocks to fall away, the walls to come down so people can see your true emotions. Becoming transparent so that your true inner emotions show. But I think you are using the term differently - like your tendency is to brush off emotions, make them seem invisible to others. I find this semantic difference kind of interesting.
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