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About BlackNGreen

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  1. Anxious. It's 5:51 where I live and I haven't slept at all. I can already see the sun rising. I'm supposed to have my first singing lesson of this school year today and it makes me even more anxious. I should have learned all my graduation concert songs by now, but I've been so overloaded with work all summer it didn't happen. I'll never graduate if this goes on.
  2. Hi, nice to meet you! I don't really know what to say about myself. I'm 24years old, kind of awkward girl with kind of hazy mental health situation. I was bullied from kindergarten to my last year in high school, had no friends at all during that time. I was really depressed back then. I was always sick, didn't sleep more than 2hours per night... was suicidal back then. I think I got my first "friends" as 17years old, but after one year got isolated from that friend group and ended up alone again. I ended up not leaving my house much that year and focused on developing some eating disorder symtoms and started cutting. After starting my bachelor studies I got my first real friends at the age of 19. On a second year of my studies I was failing my grades, cutting and drinking a lot so then my friends forced me to get help for myself. I'm fortunate to have such a good friends now. So I used to have depression between ages of 5 and 22. Now I'm doing much better, not depressed anymore. Stopped cutting 3years ago. My psychological nurse and school psychologist do say I probably have Avoidant Personality Disorder, but I haven't really been tested for it so... can't be sure about that one. I do strongly believe that people hate me and think I'm evil or disgusting. Lately this has been getting worse and I'm starting to avoid interacting with people again because of it. I do have dissociation symptoms from time to time, mostly depersonalization and derealization. This year has been good without many dissociation episodes so on that part I'm doing much better. Sorry for this long, not really organized introduction of mine. I'm really trying to get better so that's why I'm actually here. Just searching a forum where it's okay to talk about these topics without bothering anyone.
  3. Yeah, I'd like to get assessment, but unfortunately my nurse thinks I'm doing just fine since I can go months without visiting her. In reality I'm sure she thinks I'm stupid and worthless so I usually just avoid visiting her. Last time I actually saw her was a year ago. I originally was forced to get some help by my friends, since I didn't get any for myself since I was sure I didn't deserve to get help. My grades were failing, I was drinking too much and cutting, but my nurse was sure I was doing just fine even then since "you look so happy". She really didn't believe I was depressed, but after I made this test for depression, anxiety, OCD etc. and got marks for at least moderate depression. Not enough resources to give me teraphy since I'm not sick enough, but they gave me meds which I stopped taking two months ago (I gained 30kg while on them so I had to choose between my physical and mental health). When I was in high school I actually tried to get some help since I had been bullied in school for 9years, but this psychologist I met said the same thing my nurse says even now. Somehow me being able to smile and laugh when visiting their offices made all my feelings of loneliness and worthlessness totally unvalid. And since my bullying was not physical "there's nothing we can really do about it" was all this psychologist said to me. After that I wasn't really keen on trying to get some help.
  4. True. It's not reliable. Just desided to trow it out there since INTP personality description has so many similarities with avoidant personality disorder symptoms.
  5. I'm new here too, so hello! Your shutting off does sound dissociating to me at least. My own experiences with dissociation are pretty different from yours, but your mind going blank, problems with memory and emotionally shutting down sound familiar enough. I used to always shut down when teachers asked me to answer guestions during classes due to my huge fear of failing. It took me years to realise I was blanking out and emotionally shutting down instead of just being stupid. What I mean is that sometimes it takes time to find out what actually triggers your dissociation. Everyone's different, but at least for me I shut down when I get too emotional, anxious etc. Basically when I'm unable to cope with my overwhelming emotions my brain desides I need a break. So stress is usually one of the big triggers. How long do your dissociation "episodes" (I don't know what to call them really) usually last? How bad is your memory loss? There are many types of dissociative disorders which have very different symptoms. Also you could have dissociative symptoms without actually having dissociative disorder. I think it's great that you're now aware of this happening to you since awareness is the key to change, but I would also advice you to talk with your therapist about this some more.
  6. So... my nurse once said that I probably have avoidant personality disorder. According to Myers–Briggs test I have INTP personality which really fits me, but also seems to be this personality associated with all personality disorders from schizoid to borderline disorder. So either this means I have fucked up personality or that my personality disorder is effecting my results. How nice. Lately I've been getting worse with my anxiety. I've always known I'm fat and average looking, but lately I've started to think: "What if my personality is ugly too?" It probably is, but it's kind of soul crushing observation to make. Even though I didn't have friends growing up I always used to think I was at least good person to some extent. Few years I've tried to be more social, but it's not easy. More time I spend interacting with people around me, more it makes me feel like there must be something seriously wrong with me. Everything I say seems to offend people even though I don't actually mean to offend anyone. Also my emotions are all mixed up. I'm so emotional and sensitive when it comes to what people think of me, but on the other hand I feel like I could probably sell my own grandmother if I wanted to. It just doesn't seem normal, but I don't know what I should do to change things either. When surrounded by friends I feel lonely and leftover. When I try to go to sleep it gets even worse, which is why I usually stay up all night. Maybe I should just find a hole to hide in and never come out again? I just feel so tired of being so lonely, but unable to spend time with people without thinking they must actually hate me or at least think I'm disgusting. I don't know what anyone could do with this information I've given, but hopefully someone can relate. I guess I'd like to know if there is someone out there who feels the same way at least. Does this sound like avoidant personality disorder to you?
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