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Everything posted by lightriso

  1. I relapsed today. After over a year of being clean. I’m super stressed out about a test and my mind immediately went to self harm. So I did it. I’m sad.
  2. So I've been clean for almost three months now. Today my mom and I got into a huge argument. She mentioned something along the lines of, "you're gonna be pissed off so you're gonna go cut yourself huh?" It really upset me for some reason. The way she said it was so cold, like it was an insult. I thought she really cared though. Then she said something similar to, "you're gonna cut your arm." When I went back into my room, I couldn't help but cry. When she brought the topic of self harming up, it was the first time I even thought about it in months. It was a sick reminder. I don't know, I'm not really looking for advice or anything. I just wanted to get that off my chest.
  3. First of all, happy new year everyone! Okay, so I said I was going to do 'No cut December'. And I made it! I realized I'm much more happier without self harm. I even stopped counting the days unconsciously, self harm wasn't a daily thought anymore. Whenever I felt down, hurting myself didn't even cross my mind. So in 2018 I will continue my road to recovery. Thank you all for supporting me on this forum.
  4. It's the third day of December and I decided I wanted to do this thing called 'No cut December'. I want to recover from self harm, and help others along the way as we get through this journey together. So for the whole month of December, let's try to stay clean. It's a quite a challenge but I'm sure we can do it.
  5. Okay so my group of friends got into a huge argument today, I witnessed it over text. But one of my really close friends (one of the best people I've ever known), she got really mad and relapsed after being clean for so long. I feel really bad, I don't know what to do, I want the people I love to be the happiest people in the world. I'm not triggered, I'm just asking for advice. I want my best friend to be happy.
  6. Thank you all for replying! I am doing a little better now, a week clean today.
  7. Ugh. I hate this. I just slipped up after being twelve days clean. I noticed I always go a period of time being clean then slip up. This has been happening for months now. For example, I would be two weeks clean then slip up. After that, I would go like a week and a half clean and then slip up. I'm so sick of this cycle.
  8. phidippus, I honestly don't know. I probably do, deep down, having no one is a scary thought. Also, sorry for replying so late! ?
  9. I slipped up today. I'm not proud of it. I was suppose to be two weeks clean today. Since my parents found out, they are aware of me doing it. But I'm afraid that my mom will get mad at me because I lied to her saying that I only had one razor, but I actually have more but I'm hiding them. I'm not mad at myself for slipping up though. Which is a good thing. I accepted it and was like, "you did it, it's already done, try to not do it next time."
  10. Today my mom told me she was trying to find a counselor. Today was the first day I wore short sleeves without makeup on my arm. Today I don't have to live in fear about people finding out.
  11. I have been sick for the past few days. My mom was taking care of me and she rolled up my hoodie sleeve and saw my scars. She questioned them and I didn't reply. Then she told me she is not mad, she just wants me to be happy. She took away my razors and told my dad. Both my parents reacted very calm about it, I'm so grateful and blessed to have parents like this. They don't want me to be stressed. They don't want to see me like this. My mom suggested other coping mechanisms. She also said I could talk to her anytime if something is bothering me. I might be able to get a counselor sometime. ?
  12. Yesterday was my homecoming dance. It wasn't really that happy, though. One of my best friends danced and hung out with the guy I had a crush on for years. Before I convinced myself I was completely over him, but apparently I wasn't. I saw their interactions, how happy they were. I wouldn't say I was jealous, I was just heartbroken. But my other best friends cheered me up. We danced and it was a good time. After we went into the bathroom to talk not including my other best friend who was still hanging out with my crush. My chest felt heavy the whole time, I hid it with a smile. My other best friends knew what I was feeling, we tried comforting each other. When I got home last night, I REALLY wanted to self harm. I held the blade up to my skin, but couldn't do it. I sat there for about an hour trying, it didn't work. So I ended up falling asleep. This morning I woke up, felt like complete crap. The emotions were so strong, as well as the urge to cut myself. Well, now I have twenty more cuts on my arm.
  13. Okay. Thank you for helping! I very much appreciate it.
  14. I don't know actually. Well, I'm a pretty anti social when it comes to being around adults, I'm quite an introvert. My parents don't know anything, and I'm afraid how they'll react.
  15. Thank you for the advice. I do not have a counselor though, I do plan to get one sometime.
  16. Hello all. I am new to the anxiety forum. So I came here today to address some things. Whenever there's a test at school, I'm always afraid my friends will do better than me. Due to this, I almost cried when I had to take a biology test. I did get an A on the test though, but one of my best friends got the same exact score as me. Last year on state testing (it's a national test in the US that everyone has to take) I did alright. It wasn't the best. My mom told me I had test anxiety (it differs from anxiety disorder) because I would freak out because it would count for college. In elementary school, I use to refuse to take tests and cry whenever I didn't finish them. I am also constantly worried about my friends talking about me behind my back. This worry plagues my mind every single day. Since I do have a self harm issue, several of my friends are aware of it. Even though they show emotional support on the outside, my mind always thinks they don't actually care on the inside, they would call me 'weak' and 'pathetic'. No, I do not have a medical diagnosis of anxiety disorder. I do not want to claim I have it, because that would come across as rude and insulting to the people who actually struggle with the issue.
  17. I've been clean for a week after my slip up. I have no desire of harming myself right now. But my school homecoming is around the corner and I'm scared. All the girls dresses are sleeveless. Long sleeves have been my savior for the few past months. My mom won't let me wear a cardigan or light sweater over a dress. Luckily, I did find some makeup to cover my scars up. But I'm still uncomfortable without having that extra layer of fabric over my arms. Fear wells up inside me, I'm always afraid someone will look. Especially my family. As I said before, several of my friends are aware of my self harm. But three of them aren't (I haven't told them for multiple reasons). I'm alright with two of them finding out, they wouldn't mind at all, but there is one friend in particular. I really don't want her to know. (Again, for multiple reasons) I'm afraid she will see and question me. Any possible help?
  18. Now several of my friends are aware of my self harm, and they have been giving me so much emotional support and surrounded me with positivity. I was texting one of them yesterday and I told her I was three days clean, and she said every three days I'm clean she would give me one of her gogos (they're cute toy things). I heavily insisted and said she really didn't have to, but she wanted to, she said she's doing it for me. I am so grateful I have such great friends to support me through this, thank you.
  19. I posted an hour ago about how I was having strong urges after being only eleven days clean. Well, I took part in those urges and now I'm super mad, which caused me to cut evermore. I lost to myself :((((
  20. I said in the previous post I was challenging myself to stay clean. It's pretty difficult. The first few days were pretty good, I had no urge to cut at all. But in the last twenty four hours I have been very close, I literally had the blade so close to my skin. But I said no, I can't do this, I have to be clean. But everytime I say that the urge grows. Right now, October 1st, I have been clean for eleven days.
  21. Okay, so I've set up a challenge for myself. I'm gonna try to stay clean. I know, it's pretty difficult, easier said than done. As of now, September 29th, I've been clean for nine days.
  22. I did ask her and she said no. I'm probably going to ask her again, because I truly think I did and I will apologize. Thank you for suggesting.
  23. In a previous post I stated I told one of my best friends I self harmed. She reacted quite positively, telling me to stop and things like that. I was aware in the past that she use to scratch herself. But now she's cutting and she told me she started a week ago, which is when I told her I was cutting. I'm debating if I should ask if I triggered her, but I'm not sure.
  24. I've been posting on this site frequently. I just came to a realization. I started self harming back in May. I didn't cut though, it was just contant scratching. But I was 'clean' for the whole summer (June and July). I didn't scratch or cut or anything. But in mid August, I actually started cutting myself due to school. Is this considered a relapse?
  25. So one of my best friends (one who doesn't know about my self harm) invited me to a water event. I'm panicking about the recent cuts on my forearm, they haven't fully healed yet, there's still some obvious scabbing. I really want to wear my thin hoodie and shorts, but I feel like that would look awkward. I don't have any water resistant makeup. Plus there's gonna be a ton of people at the event, and if I wear short sleeves, everyone would see.
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