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Complicated toad

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    a cold, sad place

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  1. Chopsticks....one pea at a time? Could be a good way to control portion size. After about 5 peas you'd be too frustrated to keep going. But it could be bad because after getting so angry at the peas one would give up on vegetables and go straight to dessert. I stick with the spoon because I actually really like peas. A touch of butter, salt, pepper and they are pretty tasty to me.
  2. I second what BostonGirl said. He was insensitive, yes, but I don't know if it was meant to be. I get the same types of responses (both about depression and addiction as mentioned above) and it's because people don't understand. It doesn't make any sense if you haven't experienced it. I used to get very upset at someone close to me because he'd either tell me "you could get better if you tried" or he would get downright mad and say "it's stupid for you to say you're no good.". Finally we talked enough for him to say the truth, which was that my thoughts did not make sense to him and he would get frustrated because he wanted to help but can't help with something he doesn't understand. Now I tell him " I am not feeling well" and he knows it is due to mental health but I don't try to explain. We don't talk about it much. Instead he says "let me know if there is anything I can do" but he also has had to accept the fact he probably can't. It is possible by telling that he would handle it differently is his backwards way of trying to be helpful by offering what his solution might be. If you value the friendship, accept this is just one topic you don't connect on. I have friends who have vastly different views from me in things but I value other parts of the friendship so I accept that we will never agree about those things and keep the relationship focused on what is good about it. On the other hand, if this person is habitually demeaning to you and says other degrading things, it may be a relationship better let go. I think you look at whether the person is usually caring, but just doesn't understand depression, or if they are someone that talks down to you all around, and use that as your guidepost for how to move forward. Thinking about it some more, i would not expect a lot of discussion on the exchange about being suicidal because I know that scares people and they don't know how to respond, it's possible he doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't want to say the wrong thing. However the "you must like being depressed" type of comment is one I have gotten and don't like. I think I'd request that I acknowledge depression doesn't make sense and may not be something we should spend all our time talking about, since it is confusing, but I can still expect empathy for the fact I am dealing with a difficulty. He doesn't have have to fix or understand, but he can accept that it is part of where I am at and what I am dealing with.
  3. There is a book.about OCD called "the Man Who Couldn't Stop" and he opens the book describing his own HIV fear obsession and it's pretty much what we've been describing. The book goes into some other topics related to the disorder, it's a good read. If anything, I put it down with a feeling that I am not as weird as I always thought I was, and a lot of my inner turmoil is because of the disorder, which somehow made it easier to stomach.
  4. I relate to some of it. I had the HIV obsession for a while many years ago, I became afraid to eat fruit because I worried someone might be running around the store injecting produce with diseased blood. It sounds absurd now but at the time it seemed real. I have also thought I was being stalked by an evil entity and felt its "presence." I had lights on in the middle of the night and kept hearing footsteps around me. To sum it up, I have wondered the exact same thing, is it OCD in its strongest state or is it psychosis. I really don't know either. I have not talked with any provider about these scenarios because I am embarrassed they will think I am weird.
  5. Wishing the best for you! Work is complicated for most of us, but it sounds like you are very self-aware, so that is a plus in your favor for handling the situation appropriately.
  6. I have a pretty non-stop inner chatter like a lot have mentioned, but I experience memory visually. Like I plan for the future in words but experience the past in pictures. Emotions can show up as colors sometimes. For some reason this discussion reminded me of a book I read that talks about brain development and how the right side that thinks in images and sensation develops before the left, more verbal side. That is one reason processing childhood trauma is so challenging - because we try to process it verbally but it's encoded viscerally and visually in pre-verbal memory. Now I want to pull that book off the shelf and read it again....
  7. @Cerberus I see no one answered your question about peas so I will chime in - I think peas should be eaten with a spoon. All those who are using a fork are just wasting precious time chasing the peas around the plate. I opt for spoons in many scenarios when forks are often used. Pie, casseroles, I even keep one on hand when eating salad because it's perfect for the last bits that can be a challenge with the fork. Just my two cents on the topic.
  8. I have not been here in a little while and I see I've missed some good discussion. I didn't look at forums because I was feeling glum but I think if I'd seen this conversation I'd have felt better sooner.
  9. I think it is reason for concern. Depressed and sad do not always go together, I have been severely depressed and not known it because I didn't feel sad, I just didn't see the point in living. Those situations were never good and I was amazed at the improvement meds made when I got them right, even though I didn't realize how much it was needed until I got better. I really think you should check in with the doctor and get everything filled.
  10. This is a tough one. One thing my mother and significant other went through with their mothers is that it took them many years to understand that their mothers are sick and are not capable of being the mother they should be, and will likely act in ways that they do not like. They make very clear boundaries for themselves and back away when the interactions become too stressful. Find a reason to keep interactions short (I stopped to say hello but have an appointment and can't stay too long). My fear from your post is that the guilt will eat you up and that's not good either. Also, from my experiences with being an alcoholic, don't feel sorry for her or obligated to help her out of her mess. We eat that up and up and exploit it. You are acknowledging her as your mother and that you care but you cannot save her and have to put your own health first. Recovery is something she needs to put effort into herself, no one can fix it for her. If you don't know what to say to her, keep it short (again, calling to say hello but have to get somewhere sorry gotta go). If she gets needy/extra nice remember she is a grown person and needs to find ways to meet her own needs, you aren't responsible for them. This may be crap because I see I am recommending things contrary to others here, they possibly know better. I also know about the pain of unresolved guilt. From much AA and Al-Anon something that stuck with me is that you reach out to resolve things you can, as long as it doesn't harm you or others. If it will harm you, don't do it. If it offers some resolution of unresolved unwanted guilt, do it with your own health in mind. You cannot fix the other person you can only express that you care and need to take care of yourself first. P.s. Go over it with your therapist before doing anything I am obviously not a professional and come from a long pedigree of messed up people, myself included.
  11. Wow never thought of that song in that context but it fits. Such a great album hearing bits of it cheered me up greatly.
  12. Hang in there Cheese. I also feel like the gum stuck to the bottom of someone's shoe. Not pleased with being me at all. I have to try to believe there is a way it will get better.
  13. I didn't notice the cat until you pointed it out, and then I had a very good laugh. Now I feel a little tempted to try to make a mask for my cat.....
  14. News is a vicious cycle for me, the worse things are, the more obsessive I get about watching and reading it, consequently I get more stressed and more obsessive and then I am checking online news sources hourly. I know it's making me worse, but this year it is especially hard to keep a balance with everything that's happening. I am aware of it and try to reign myself in when it gets too bad. I mostly stay away from social media because that will put me right over the edge, and try to stick to just a couple of established and respected (online) newspapers. Also a personal word of warning, don't read the reader comments unless you want to lose all faith in humanity.
  15. 100% correct in my world. In my house, the dog has her own sofa. Her comfort supersedes any visitor.
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