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Complicated toad

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    a cold, sad place

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  1. Sorry Gearhead, you are always so supportive of the rest of us on here you deserve some support when you're sad and lonely. Sending you support.
  2. This is very familiar. I cycle through different irrational intrusive thoughts just like the ones you describe. No matter how irrational they seem (like "what if I am only imagining I am in the bathroom and I am really peeing in public in front of everyone"). I fear I am going to blurt out something inappropriate or drive into another car or off a bridge on purpose even though I rationally know I will not. But rational thoughts don't stop the bad ones from running on repeat for days or weeks on end. I also do bizarre things to make sure I don't lose control, I count everything to specific numbers or stop to step symmetrically on different surfaces or say or think things I have convinced myself will prevent the bad things from happening. In a level I know it's absurd but the thoughts and compulsions are so strong I never feel completely sure. Short story long, what you describe sounds a lot like OCD, at least in some of the ways I experience it. And I agree -the things come out of nowhere and telling myself they are irrational does very little to stop the momentum of them. I hope you find some relief! I am still looking for a solution.
  3. Do you ever feel like summer is too much pressure? Like "it's sunny, you should be happy." Why do people put such high expectations on us in the summer? Some years I feel like I have failed summer.
  4. Offering my support. I avoid my appointments sometimes because I don't want to tell.the doc I "failed" another med, when the truth is the med failed me. A thought a couple of years ago I would be on the mixed/depressed train ride forever but I actually did spend a good year or more in a good place (except for some lingering ocd). I spent many years doing the breakdown/hospital/lost job routine but it has gotten better. No hospital and stayed semi -functional for a while now. I am only saying this as a way of offering some hope it can get better. Don't think too far ahead and assume it will end badly. I ended badly for a lot of my life but somehow it's gotten a little better, not sure what the secret sauce is but don't think that just because things ended that way before they are always going to. You've got resources in the earlier replies that can offer some med advice, all I have to offer is a recommendation to not lose hope. Everything I have said may also be very cheesy and completely annoying so I will accept that.
  5. @Wonderful.Cheese I too am afraid to weigh myself, I had claimed victory by losing 20 pounds last year and I am afraid it's come back. I am finding it hard to motivate without the gym, which is silly because there are plenty of things I could do at home, but every day I say I am going to do them and I don't. I hope I can finally follow through.....i have an old treadmill in the garage but it's 95 and humid today so I am telling myself I will go use it once the weather is supposed to cool down after tomorrow. We'll see. I am happy to hear you did a workout at home! I know it really helps my mental health in addition to the physical fitness. I need to find that motivation. @chem I am swimming in empty diet coke cans. I don't even want to know how much I am drinking, I just know that my empty can bag fills up in a matter of days. Between that and all the ibuprofen I've been taking for my headaches I will be lucky to have a stomach after this is all over. It's just good to know other people are going through the same things during this pandemic. You all have made me feel better about myself Here's to all of us finding more fitness and healthy eating motivation going forward.
  6. Darn, I wasn't going to argue. After this I am shutting everything off and going to bed. When we lived in an impoverished neighborhood and a jealous ex of mine called police to start trouble, out of the four people in the apartment, I was the only white one. They pulled me aside to tell me I was worth more and deserved a better life than the rest. We drove the same car with a busted tailight. I drove for months with no issue. He was pulled over four times in a single week. Also searched and frisked for having an air freshener on the rearview mirror. He has shown up for job interviews to have the interviewer take one look and walk away (he had on a suit and tie so it didn't have anything to do with how he dressed). He has been punched and kicked by cops and the only thing they could charge him with was jaywalking or loitering. I have never had such experiences with police. Even when I have been drunk and combative they have offered help. I have never been hit or called a racial slur as he has. I am getting upset so I am done with this thread, I don't think I will give it the satisfaction of another argument. But know that every one has has their own bad experiences and has the right to stand up against them. Your experience has been the experience of an individual and I am sorry they have been so negative. I have negative experiences from people of many races. Generalizing everyone because of how they look is dangerous and results in more bad than good.
  7. I should really stay out of this one. But for some reason i cant. Maybe not even in response to the original post but just out of wanting to convey a sense of decency to everyone else. To the original poster, i am sorry you have had such bad experiences. But you cannot generalize an entire group of people based on the actions of a few. I am married to an African-American male. He is a pretty good guy. Goes out of his way to help neighbors. Is particularly concerned about the elderly and disabled. Gives money to people who are struggling. When i was hospitalized for a sucide attempt, the only friend to come see me and offer support was an African-American male. Everyone else was scared off. I have been in abusive relationships with white men. Both had criminal records and no interest in self-improvement. But i also see the disparity in how i am treated in the world versus my husband. Its discouraging. The fact that he is treated as a criminal and lesser human being so often yet still persists in trying to do the right thing is a testament to a strong character. People do good and bad things because of their choices not because of how they look. My recommendation of a good resource is the Ted talk "The Power of a Single Story." Not technologically savvy so i am not putting a link but you can find it if you go to Ted.com and search. Done now. I have no interest in arguing but i felt compelled to at least say my piece.
  8. @Cerberus although i usually try to keep away from politics on this site, i will at least say, you are not wrong. Shit magnet is a nice way of putting it.
  9. I hope this doesn't offend anyone. But it's been in my head because it is true, particularly if you live like me in one of a number of U.S. cities. Societal changes are needed but we all also have a lot going on in a short amount of time.
  10. That is one of the hardest depression symptoms for me to get rid of. I'm not sad, but nothing brings me happiness either. I go through the motions of the day just because I have to. You said "empty inside" and that's exactly it. The only good part of the day is bedtime. Everything else is just a hassle. I really relate, I have a hard time with this one too.
  11. Thanks all, I am glad others relate. @Gearhead your description is spot on. The constant background noise really gets old. The noise in a mixed episode is the worst because on top of music is a whole lot of mean and hateful self-talk.
  12. That is exactly what it is like! Sometimes it could be a word, phrase, snippet of a song that is so short I don't even recognize it. But something is always stuck on repeat. I'm glad clomirpramine works, my insurance wasn't too kind about that one and the pdoc gave me imipramine thinking it was similar enough it might help. Instead I quit sleeping and became so paranoid my family begged me to stop taking it. Have not tried risperidone, I have thought about asking for it. The docs always put my OCD symptoms in the backseat and only pay attention to the mood issues. The current one lumps it in as anxiety and doesn't really seem to give it much more thought.
  13. Interesting. I always wondered if it happened to a lot of other people or if it was not common and made me weird (er).
  14. Happy for you! I got stuck in a bipolar depression for nearly 2 years and it's horrible. I never tried ECT, a little scared of it. But it's such a hard place because typical antidepressants don't do squat for bipolar depression, besides make everything in life worse. If it happens again I may swallow my fear and try it. I have a friend with very similar treatment - resistant depression and ECT got her out and back to normal.
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