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Complicated toad

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    a cold, sad place

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  1. It perked me up, I needed a boost to get through winter and it helped. I did have some nausea starting out, but it was not severe and got better after a week. The only bummer side effect was that it made me have an aversion to coffee, I couldn't stand it anymore. It was weird. The reason I stopped taking it was because it cost $1000 for a refill (that is with the discount coupon) when my prescription plan changed in January. So now I have to look at the upside that I can enjoy my coffee again. I hope it works for you!
  2. I take 450 Wellbutrin and when I have gone down to 300 I start sinking and I can't deal with life very well, 450 has been my needed dose. I think you made a good move trying it. Even if circumstances are bad, you will be much better equipped to deal with the circumstances if you are feeling better. Being down in mood can take away a lot of the bandwidth i need to be able to navigate through the life part of things. I hope you have a quick improvement from the increase.
  3. Thanks @CrazyRedheadand @echolocation. Just the acknowledgement helps, i keep this stuff as hidden as possible, otherwise family members tell me im being stupid and i should just stop. Like it works that way. I havent had a pdoc really try to treat it, except one that prescribed imipramine and that went very badly. SSRIs tend to make me feel crappy but i havent tried them all. I think i need to be more forthcoming with the doc about how distressing the symptoms make me (those described above are just my morning rituals, there are others). I downplay it because i feel ridiculous describing the symptoms. But for now, i feel better having posted and having others understand
  4. It should not take me 3 hours to get out of the house in the morning. I am getting up earlier and earlier to allow time for all the checking and counting, which is hard because checking doors and reading books to get to a "safe" page keep me up way too late. I have been late to work every day for weeks. Lucky no one has said anything yet, i cant tell them i had to check each door handle 32 times (4 sets of 8), likewise for garage door and stove knobs and outlets. Usually i have to go thru these routines more than once. Some days i either cry or yell obscenities as i drive to work because im so frustrated with being in such a panic no matter what i do. I have and ocd and cbt books im going to start working thru, im just so annoyed with myself. Its been years like this and it keeps getting worse. As late as i am, i cant take more time off for therapy, besides who can afford it anyways. I guess i had no point to this post except I needed to vent, i am so sick of it some days.
  5. I worked with a trainer at a gym for a while, she was a big fan of the Butt Bible on YouTube, she recommended I try it for a good whole-body home workout. I honestly can't say I have tried it yet, but my intentions are good, I might one of these days. I can at least pass on her advice to you
  6. Not great. Too much anxiety. Forgetting things, easily overwhelmed. No one around understands, they just like to point out my errors and shortcomings. I hope tomorrow feels better.
  7. Uncomfortable. People make me uncomfortable. I worry too much about their opinion and overlook my own. Want to be left alone but lonely at the same time. And when I'm around people I am exhausted and highly anxious.
  8. Thanks for saying this. I felt a moment of "proud of myself" when I read this. I beat myself daily up because I struggle so hard to make it through a work day without coming unglued, and I can't accomplish anything else if I manage the work day. You reminded me that being able to do just that is still an accomplishment considering what a mess my earlier adulthood was. I am grateful to be holding myself together even if it doesn't feel like I am, thanks for reminding me of that gratitude
  9. Obsessive relentless anxiety and worry, been more neurotic than normal last couple weeks. Plus my throat hurts. And I feel like everyone in the world thinks I am useless and no good even if I have no evidence to support the idea.
  10. I think you are doing the right things by talking out this and seeking solutions. the chemical versus intra psychic thing doesn't make any sense to me. The psychological changes to a person's chemistry and chemistry will influence the psychological. The two are not separate, they are intimately connected. I suppose that also means that with complex causes come complex solutions, and that is why so many of us have to try so many things to find relief. I wish I had more encouraging words, so much of what you have said sounds so familiar, and I wish I could be more helpful. But I also have been pondering about what a self centered (insert derogatory word here) I am, which may be why I can't get out of my own head enough to say something useful. However I am compelled to keep replying because I so strongly relate. I really hope it gets better. Don't be sorry for what you've written. I came to this board voluntarily because it makes me feel better to read this stuff and know im not the only one dealing with these things.
  11. I relate to this on so many levels. I sat and reviewed job ads today for nothing more than to remind myself I don't have to be here forever. Of course then I feel unqualified and inadequate, but I still saw a glimmer of possibility. You're right about taking time off too, then I sit around too much. it's hard. Bummers aside, I just get up and do because that's what I do. Just doing the routine for the sake of the routine gets me by until the dark cloud lifts. my saving graces now are exercise (brief relief from endorphins) and my pets. I hope you can find something like that to hang on to enough to get through. I try to remember that things change and can get better if you can hang on thru the worst of it. I hope you can do that until better comes, because it can. I'm rooting for you! Ps my apologies if I sounded cheesy there in the last paragraph.
  12. Maybe six or seven? I have seen a few once or twice, then stopped treatment. A couple have left the clinics I was at. I get a different diagnosis just about every time which is fun. One used to give me a receipt to give to my insurance (weird insurance at the time) and I'd go home and look up the diagnostic codes she'd used and they changed almost every time. I must have been a confusing case....although in her defense I was on a lot of street drugs at the time so it may have been difficult to tell what was going on. She's really the only one I really connected with and after I imploded and stopped treatment for a while I haven't been able to find her. Maybe she retired.
  13. Ha now that would be too simple of a solution. I embarrassed my child yesterday by going into the store with food from cooking splattered on my shirt and dirt from the garden all over my jeans. So the point to the long answer, no apron. And I get food or water somewhere on my person most every day. Would you rather deal with very hot or very cold weather?
  14. I had no problems coming off trintillex, but i only took it for a few months because the price for my refill took a leap to $1000. I have great insurance (not). I have had discontinuation problems with other meds, but trintillex was smooth. But again, i didnt take it for very long (4 months maybe)
  15. I've had dreams where I can't move or speak, and I've woken up and been unable to move or speak for a while. I also had an awake paralysis before I went to sleep where a shadowy figure came at me from across the room and I couldn't move. I think they are all related to how your brain paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams, and those combined with hallucinations that can happen right before you fall asleep or shortly after waking can be terrifying. But it's all natural byproducts of the body's normal processes, from what I have read.
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