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Complicated toad

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    a cold, sad place

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  1. An ex and I did bunch of homebrewing for a while. The first few batches were not terribly enjoyable but the more trials the better it got. We finally did an IPA and a stout that were darned good. Don't get discouraged if the first one isn't great. Once you have the equipment the hops and yeast and whatnot arent too expensive so hopefully you can continue trying to get the hang of it. I dont remember a lot of details 'cuz it was many years ago and it turns out I'm an alcoholic so not the best choice of hobbies (he used Everclear to sanitize the bottle caps and was furious when every time
  2. I am here too. I am sorry you have so much going on, I can understand how cutting sounds like it might relieve the stress. I'm a mostly recovered cutter, but at times get strong urges and have snuck making a cut a few times this year. What I've found is that the relief is greatly overshadowed by the shame and fear of someone seeing the marks until they heal. A few seconds of a cut resulted in a week or more of my feeling terrible about doing it. Sometimes intrusive thoughts about it can get VERY loud and it feels overwhelming, but I know if I follow through the end result is that I'll fee
  3. If some positive affirmations were all it took to cure depression, it wouldn't continue being one of the leading causes of disability and people wouldn't spend billions on medication and therapy and ECT and TMS and everything else. I like to read about neuroplasticity and I do believe our brains have the capacity to rewire, however, saying positive thinking can cure depression is like saying a baby aspirin cures all cardiovascular disease. It's a tool that can be used, and it's possible to change a negative thought pattern or learned behavior, but to say it can cure severe depression is real
  4. I echo what every one else said, Effexor withdrawal is really unpleasant, you want to take it slow. When I did it slowly over a month it wasn't as bad as when I went off fast (I'd been on 375 mg so quitting cold turkey was a very bad idea). The slow way I had some nausea and brain zaps but it was tolerable. It was worth titrating off of it though, it really destabilized me.
  5. I agree! 50% success or failure is way too big of a margin to let someone cut into your head.
  6. Been thinking about this post, it's so interesting from a scientific perspective but terrifying as you said. I would be hesitant too. I hope you find a better alternative that works. I feel like I just have to live with my OCD, I haven't found a solution. The last therapist I asked was hesitant to treat me because she'd never dealt with a case that severe. I will follow your post for updates, I am interested in what you find. In a weird way, I am kind of scared to get rid of it, like maybe the OCD is right. It's absurd but I devote plenty of brainpower to the absurd so who knows.
  7. @Goofball yep, I relate to all of your experiences too! It seems like checking doors and fear of causing a fire are themes OCD loves to heap on us.
  8. Oh wow this is me, 100%. I hate the stove. I've snuck out of work in the middle of the day to go back home and check the stove and make sure the house didn't burn down. I also touch the toaster oven and lamps with both hands and say things out loud to reassure myself I really checked them. I've been working from home because of the pandemic and I really dread going back and adding all those layers of anxiety on top of the ones I already have (did I lock the door, did I check the stove, did I leave something toxic out that my pets could find and ingest, did I turn off the sink, and on
  9. Good way to describe - doesn't go away it just mutates. Thanks for the kind words, after my first reply to you I thought it would be interesting to make a list of my compulsive behaviors and it was three pages when I was done. And I realized today I missed one. It gets tiring. And hard to treat because I am fully aware it's irrational. I'm aware they are just thoughts, it's not real, but that doesn't help a bit. Brain says "but what if" and off it goes...........
  10. I relate @gabagaba. I experience the same thing. Lately I've been paralyzed doing something as silly as getting ibuprofen tablets out of the bottle. I tap a few in my hand, OCD says "No! Thats a bad one!" So i put them back, shake up the bottle, repeat. Maybe a few times. I go through these ridiculous checking rituals every night so I can go to bed anxiety-free, yet the minute I start feeling relaxed and comfortable, OCD starts badgering me to get up and do more checking (grateful to live with heavy sleepers who don't notice how many times I keep get up and walk door to door). I go thro
  11. Good for you. I have a hard time staying on the wagon myself so I know what a victory it is once you get back on!
  12. I can't pinpoint commonalities, but that is probably because I've never looked for them. It's interesting you made those connections to heat & water, makes me think about what was going on when I've had it happen. I've had it happen in the night and in the day, but I never thought about paying attention to possible triggers. I should start writing it down when it happens so I can look for themes. I wake up and write down my dreams sometimes (sometimes they are like full length movies with a complete plot) so it's not a stretch to write these down as well.
  13. No, it's so random. I may go many years without it happening but some years it happens a lot. I wonder if there's even anything to be done about it.
  14. Not sure, I don't know what would even be helpful, "I feel weird" is not a very specific symptom to treat. I went for an acupuncture treatment today because it usually soothes me and it helped a little. Everything still feels surreal and sort of dream-like, I have no idea why, but at least the impending doom feeling isn't as bad.
  15. I'm a disintegrating a little bit. Not sure if this is right place to post this but have strong depersonalizaton, strong feelings of impending doom but also like I am outside of myself because inside feels icky and wrong. All I can attribute it to is weird warm weather this time of year in a normally cold place but it is kind of an extreme reaction. I am posting all over as a kind of catharsis to make this weirdness go away. Last time I felt this feeling I had taken mushrooms which was a terrible idea. But no hallucinogenics today, just really weird and uncomfortable.
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