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Complicated toad

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    a cold, sad place

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  1. thanks @Gearhead. Living with MI feels like part of us is on an island no one else can see. Who wants to tell your family just to be lectured about the problem is you just need to try harder to "think positive." Pretty sure if i could positive affirmation myself out of this I'd have done it a long time ago.
  2. I am not good. I can't tell anyone around me, if I go blabbing that I feel like a worthless person and life is pretty much miserable and hopeless they get upset. So I sit stuck in this cesspool of barely able to do anything and to everyone else I am a lazy sack of crap. Sorry for puking this on you guys I just can't say it anywhere else.
  3. I relate. I hate the feeling of long-term inertia. I almost started pulling out of it right before the pandemic but then everything shut down and the more time I have at home the less I do. Makes me feel rotten about myself but I don't know how to get any motivation back. A few years ago an increase in my wellbutrin helped but that has since fizzled out. No doc is likely to give me stimulants with my history of addiction. I do work but that's about all I can manage and I don't enjoy it at all. I agree with the lack of purpose & meaning in life being a factor, that and the learned helplessness might make sense, maybe something we can do is pay closer attention to the thoughts that regularly pop up and see if we can get some insight into what is driving some of it. I know it's 2 pm and I have been sitting on my bed all day and that's not a very fulfilling life.
  4. I don't know anything scientific about it, but I have had the same experience. I have had episodes since early teens but in my mid 30's is when I really noticed the profound heaviness in my legs and difficulty moving, and now I'm my 40's I have gone to doctors a few times during episodes because I am having such a hard time functioning physically. It feels like a three month flu when my brain slows down so much that it freaks family out, they'll find me standing in a room totally blanked out and not moving at all, it takes me three times as long to do anything because I keep freezing up. I also remember my mom in her late 40's developing the flat voice like you describe. It was unnerving to me as a kid/teen when her voice would change completely into a flat monotone for weeks at a time, then go back to normal.
  5. Never realized the psych ward was a fashion hub, but one I time I was in there I'd arrived with no shoes. After a week or so I got a "day pass" to go out for a couple of hours under supervision to see whether I could manage reality again, but I had no shoes, so staff went to lost & found and came back with some purple high-top Chuck Taylors with green laces. I loved them so much they let me take them home when I was released and they were my awesome-est shoes for a long time.
  6. Canadians have to be happy, if the election has gone the other way we'd all be trying to move up there with you.
  7. Overwhelmed. Work, family, news, name it. My brain sounds like a thousand radio says playing at the same time (ok exaggerating it's more like five or six stations but it's still a lot of noise nonetheless).
  8. Thanks, I am here so that I stop obsessively checking news coverage. Cheers to hoping America makes a good decision. I am nervous.
  9. Good job to both of you, @confusedand @jarn! Having a sponsor is good in many ways - someone to hold you accountable, someone to lead you through the program and how it can help you, and most important is that you'll now have a new support system available whenever you need it.
  10. That's a lot like how I did it the last time. I decided to try getting through Friday. Then I tried to get through a weekend. Then I made a new goal of making it through the week. Next weekend challenged myself to another week. Then it was try to get to my birthday. I hit my birthday and said okay I will see if I can get through to Thanksgiving. I kept setting new goals until enough time had passed that the cravings and habits had lessened enough that it was not a battle anymore.
  11. If you find a good group with good people it is worth it. I am not particularly religious, but the steps are really helpful. Fourth step you learn a lot about yourself and what drives your drinking. Third you learn how to let go, realize you can't control everything that happens. They are good lessons. There are groups not so religiously driven but driven by the growth and strength that comes from sharing a healing journey with others. I say if it was a good experience, give it a try.
  12. I relate @Blahblah. When I am low I will sleep up to 14 hours and still have no energy. Two years in a row I went to the doctor and had $600 worth of tests that showed nothing. It's far worse in fall and winter. This summer I had insomnia instead (11 to bed and boing wide awake at 3 am not fun either) but the lethargy is now setting in. I hate when I sleep too much and I am too tired to do what I should , but I don't have a good solution yet. So I am just saying I understand since I don't know how to help either of us. Weekends it's not unusual for me to sleep 10-11 hours. It seems like my internal clock doesn't work at all.
  13. Chopsticks....one pea at a time? Could be a good way to control portion size. After about 5 peas you'd be too frustrated to keep going. But it could be bad because after getting so angry at the peas one would give up on vegetables and go straight to dessert. I stick with the spoon because I actually really like peas. A touch of butter, salt, pepper and they are pretty tasty to me.
  14. I second what BostonGirl said. He was insensitive, yes, but I don't know if it was meant to be. I get the same types of responses (both about depression and addiction as mentioned above) and it's because people don't understand. It doesn't make any sense if you haven't experienced it. I used to get very upset at someone close to me because he'd either tell me "you could get better if you tried" or he would get downright mad and say "it's stupid for you to say you're no good.". Finally we talked enough for him to say the truth, which was that my thoughts did not make sense to him and he would get frustrated because he wanted to help but can't help with something he doesn't understand. Now I tell him " I am not feeling well" and he knows it is due to mental health but I don't try to explain. We don't talk about it much. Instead he says "let me know if there is anything I can do" but he also has had to accept the fact he probably can't. It is possible by telling that he would handle it differently is his backwards way of trying to be helpful by offering what his solution might be. If you value the friendship, accept this is just one topic you don't connect on. I have friends who have vastly different views from me in things but I value other parts of the friendship so I accept that we will never agree about those things and keep the relationship focused on what is good about it. On the other hand, if this person is habitually demeaning to you and says other degrading things, it may be a relationship better let go. I think you look at whether the person is usually caring, but just doesn't understand depression, or if they are someone that talks down to you all around, and use that as your guidepost for how to move forward. Thinking about it some more, i would not expect a lot of discussion on the exchange about being suicidal because I know that scares people and they don't know how to respond, it's possible he doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't want to say the wrong thing. However the "you must like being depressed" type of comment is one I have gotten and don't like. I think I'd request that I acknowledge depression doesn't make sense and may not be something we should spend all our time talking about, since it is confusing, but I can still expect empathy for the fact I am dealing with a difficulty. He doesn't have have to fix or understand, but he can accept that it is part of where I am at and what I am dealing with.
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