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Complicated toad

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    a cold, sad place

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  1. For what it's worth, I actually had a reduced appetite and lost weight on Abilify, and it helped with depression symptoms. Trintillex also helped a little and no other SSRI's have done me any good. The cost for both was a barrier for me, but I am in the US and my insurance won't pay for squat so you might have better luck.
  2. Unbelievable and sickening. I don't know how the country is going to recover from the mess he's made
  3. My boss told us it's ok if we can't focus because of the news today, it's ok to take work time to watch, and cancelled our meetings because it was too upsetting for everyone. I think he went up a few notches in my opinion. However, I also cannot watch any longer. So many "that will never happen" things have happened this year my OCD brain that needs control over everything is close to melting.
  4. @aquarian If you pick up another Andrew Solomon book, I recommend Far From the Tree. It's big like the Noonday Demon, but each chapter covers a different topic so you can read it in sections. It includes chapters on schizophrenia and autism. The premise is about parents and their experiences having children with unexpected differences. I went and listened to him when he spoke at a university near me, I admire his writing a lot. He also has a couple of good TED talks If you don't have time for a long book.
  5. I loved The Center Cannot Hold. Also good - Manic by Terri Chaney and The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon. Not schizophrenia but about bipolar and depression and I related to both very strongly and they are excellent writers. There was also a schizophrenia/schzoaffective book by Mark Vonnegut (son of Kurt Vonnegut) called "Like Someone Without Mental Illness Only More So" that is very good
  6. Just finished Ballistic Kiss by Richard Kadrey, newest in his Sandman Slim series which is one of my most favorite ever. Also Oliver Sacks memoir On the Move because he is also one of my favorites.
  7. Just read it too, awesome, as was Hyperbole and a Half. I loved that one so much I bought it for my teenage daughter and insisted she read it.
  8. Blockbusters was awesome, even more was the two independent video stores in my city that had the best selections of bad B grade horror movies. I enjoy telling my teenage kid about rotary dial phones and TV's where you had to get up and walk across the room to change the channel. She seemed genuinely impressed that I survived childhood without YouTube.
  9. I get the Trainspotting reference, I've seen it, I even saw it in the 1990's as soon as it came out on videocasette (apparently the word videocasette is so obsolete that my spell check didn't recognize it and tried to change it). Having something you don't want to fuck up is good, that's as good a motivator as any.
  10. I started as a binge drinker, keep it to weekends, and it did make me more agreeable because the crippling anxiety got better. Then the binges got longer, the nice drunk became one no one wanted to be around and the drink became more important than everything else so I threw everything else away. So life sucked even worse. I am sorry to keep preaching my cautionary tale but I'd love to stop someone from the same mistake.
  11. Pretty sure I have said the exact same things. I drank 20 years of my life away in an attempt to stop the self-loathing and still have a hard time. Thing is, there is a line you don't want to cross between drinking to feel comfortable in your skin and drinking because the drink has taken control and you have no choice because without it you become unbearably sick. I don't want you to relinquish your decisions completely to it. You have creative ideas that the rest of us enjoy so we would all prefer you keep driving the ship. I hope you find a way to bear through the ugly moments so yo
  12. This is exactly how I feel at times. I can't seem to find a treatment that works, so my solution is to accept it and try to live alongside it. I read that trying to suppress or avoid the intrusive thoughts makes them more powerful in your mind, so I acknowledge them as casually as I can (oh it's you again) and try to move on (sometimes easier said than done)
  13. One more thing I did tonight with a worst case thought I couldn't get rid of is I did research into "if this terrible thing really happens, what are my options.". I sort of reassured myself that there could be a way to get through it if the terrible thing happened. This technique may not work for all fears but maybe for some......I suppose it could feed in to others so you may need to use discretion.
  14. I get this, I know what you're talking about. I don't have a good answer because I have not had good control over my OCD either, but sometimes I just accept it and let myself do the compulsion which is probably exactly what you're not supposed to do but when the anxiety is overwhelming and I feel like I have to go back to the door and tap it it eight times in sets of four over and over I might say "okay OCD have your way, I will give you one more set of 32 and then please leave me alone" And like ceremony said above, I remind myself they are just thoughts and this is just a mean nasty thing
  15. thanks @Gearhead. Living with MI feels like part of us is on an island no one else can see. Who wants to tell your family just to be lectured about the problem is you just need to try harder to "think positive." Pretty sure if i could positive affirmation myself out of this I'd have done it a long time ago.
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