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Complicated toad

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About Complicated toad

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    a cold, sad place

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  1. I know I've gathered on at least 10 or 15, might be creeping towards 20. I am afraid to get on a scale, I don't want to make myself feel worse. If it helps at all, it is happening to so many of us! I have been increasing my seroquel during this pandemic to try to get back on an even keel. It's like a perfect storm of factors to cause weight gain. Weirdest thing is that my dog also has an anxiety disorder and she stops going for walks in the summer. Fireworks, thunderstorms, motorcycles - it all becomes too scary and I can't get her out the door until the weather is cold again. So that doesn't help me either.
  2. Thanks @CrazyRedhead and @Gearhead. I have trust issues with telling professionals when i am drinking because of some history with a pdoc filing a petition for committment on me because of a relapse. Good reminder for aa, since so much is virtual its easier to fit into a schedule. I am not a huge 12 stepper but i did spend plenty of time there in the past and there are benefits. Honestly, i felt stupid that i posted this so your responses meant a lot. It reminds me that its ok to reach out to others.
  3. Being home all the time has not been going well. I sneak things I shouldn't because I figure I can get away with it. That's not a good reason, but the inner addict sees this as a brilliant opportunity. Anyone else stuck in this tug of war? I am trying to figure out how to get a handle on it. See now I am.scared to post this because I worry I'm being monitored. So paranoia just to add more fun to the mix. But where else can I talk about it when I don't want anyone else to know.
  4. I am sorry you feel so much self-hate but I also completely relate. "I hate myself" is a daily mantra I know I should edit but it sticks there like a bad rash anyways.
  5. The fact that you are taking the responsibility to report on your mania symptoms so you can be responsible and take care of them is very respectable to me, I don't think it's right that a professional wouldn't take you seriously. You know yourself, you know your danger signs better than anyone, they ought to realize that. I hope you can find a way to keep yourself on track using the prn meds, can you have someone remind you and give you the med when it's time? I have to physically put the pill in the hand of my adhd family member or she will get distracted on her way to the cabinet and not take it. Maybe someone can help you that way until your brain slows down a little?
  6. I feel like I've become completely useless since this began. I always thought I'd I had more free time I would write and be creative. Instead I've become completely useless. I sit and stare at the wall a lot. I don't exercise either- so you have one up on me. If you wonder why you're not doing better during this time, you aren't the only one. Trying not to drown is a good way to describe it.
  7. I saw this one yesterday too, it's great. What's bothersome is that I know people who would fail to get the joke because they believe these are truth My very favorite line is where the patient asks how to get rid of toxins and he asks if she has a liver and kidneys.
  8. So glad he's ok. I know my dogs are my lifeline right now, the stress of your situation must have been awful. I wish Beaux all the best for his continuing recovery!
  9. So tired of headache. I've taken every over the counter thing I can and all that happened was my stomach started hurting too.
  10. I have had this feeling during periods of extreme anxiety and mixed episodes. It gets better when I can add on a calming med like seroquel, or sometimes it will pass with time. But realize your brain can convince itself of all kinds of things when it's off-kilter, it can take a thought and blow it up into a reality even if it's not the case. Unless you have a terminal illness that makes the impending death a statistical possibility, I would wonder if your mood state is causing the impending doom feeling. I hope it doesn't seem like I am minimizing what you are going through, I believe it is a very real feeling. What led me to wonder if your mood state was behind it was your other recent post about rapid cycling. Maybe your brain is making life more difficult than normal, and if you can get that evened out it may get better?
  11. I agree. We all need to continue all conference and video calls from home so that all pets can awkwardly interrupt. Today's best meeting included a yowling cat and a dog that refused to leave the speakers lap. A few weeks ago while I was talking on a video call, I suddenly had a lap full of German shepherd on a mission to lick my face. These meetings are so much better than the old kind. I like newscasters a lot better after meeting their pets too.
  12. I am having a hard time but I almost feel like I don't have the right to ask the pdoc for help. I am considering cancelling my appointment because why do I think I have the right to ask for help when the whole world is in the same mess? Anyone else struggling with this?
  13. That makes no sense, considering everything happening in the world right now. I am sorry you are going through it.
  14. It's funny that considering I don't really go anywhere normally that I would feel depressed because I can't go anywhere. Part of what is making me feel terrible is I always thought "if I was ever allowed multiple days at home I would do all of these productive things" and here we are and I have not done shit. I lay on the bed, stare at the wall, look at some internet, stare at the floor, etc etc. It's making my already shaky self esteem go right down the crapper. I feel pretty darned useless.
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