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Complicated toad

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Everything posted by Complicated toad

  1. For what it's worth, I actually had a reduced appetite and lost weight on Abilify, and it helped with depression symptoms. Trintillex also helped a little and no other SSRI's have done me any good. The cost for both was a barrier for me, but I am in the US and my insurance won't pay for squat so you might have better luck.
  2. Unbelievable and sickening. I don't know how the country is going to recover from the mess he's made
  3. My boss told us it's ok if we can't focus because of the news today, it's ok to take work time to watch, and cancelled our meetings because it was too upsetting for everyone. I think he went up a few notches in my opinion. However, I also cannot watch any longer. So many "that will never happen" things have happened this year my OCD brain that needs control over everything is close to melting.
  4. @aquarian If you pick up another Andrew Solomon book, I recommend Far From the Tree. It's big like the Noonday Demon, but each chapter covers a different topic so you can read it in sections. It includes chapters on schizophrenia and autism. The premise is about parents and their experiences having children with unexpected differences. I went and listened to him when he spoke at a university near me, I admire his writing a lot. He also has a couple of good TED talks If you don't have time for a long book.
  5. I loved The Center Cannot Hold. Also good - Manic by Terri Chaney and The Noonday Demon by Andrew Solomon. Not schizophrenia but about bipolar and depression and I related to both very strongly and they are excellent writers. There was also a schizophrenia/schzoaffective book by Mark Vonnegut (son of Kurt Vonnegut) called "Like Someone Without Mental Illness Only More So" that is very good
  6. Just finished Ballistic Kiss by Richard Kadrey, newest in his Sandman Slim series which is one of my most favorite ever. Also Oliver Sacks memoir On the Move because he is also one of my favorites.
  7. Just read it too, awesome, as was Hyperbole and a Half. I loved that one so much I bought it for my teenage daughter and insisted she read it.
  8. Blockbusters was awesome, even more was the two independent video stores in my city that had the best selections of bad B grade horror movies. I enjoy telling my teenage kid about rotary dial phones and TV's where you had to get up and walk across the room to change the channel. She seemed genuinely impressed that I survived childhood without YouTube.
  9. I get the Trainspotting reference, I've seen it, I even saw it in the 1990's as soon as it came out on videocasette (apparently the word videocasette is so obsolete that my spell check didn't recognize it and tried to change it). Having something you don't want to fuck up is good, that's as good a motivator as any.
  10. I started as a binge drinker, keep it to weekends, and it did make me more agreeable because the crippling anxiety got better. Then the binges got longer, the nice drunk became one no one wanted to be around and the drink became more important than everything else so I threw everything else away. So life sucked even worse. I am sorry to keep preaching my cautionary tale but I'd love to stop someone from the same mistake.
  11. Pretty sure I have said the exact same things. I drank 20 years of my life away in an attempt to stop the self-loathing and still have a hard time. Thing is, there is a line you don't want to cross between drinking to feel comfortable in your skin and drinking because the drink has taken control and you have no choice because without it you become unbearably sick. I don't want you to relinquish your decisions completely to it. You have creative ideas that the rest of us enjoy so we would all prefer you keep driving the ship. I hope you find a way to bear through the ugly moments so yo
  12. This is exactly how I feel at times. I can't seem to find a treatment that works, so my solution is to accept it and try to live alongside it. I read that trying to suppress or avoid the intrusive thoughts makes them more powerful in your mind, so I acknowledge them as casually as I can (oh it's you again) and try to move on (sometimes easier said than done)
  13. One more thing I did tonight with a worst case thought I couldn't get rid of is I did research into "if this terrible thing really happens, what are my options.". I sort of reassured myself that there could be a way to get through it if the terrible thing happened. This technique may not work for all fears but maybe for some......I suppose it could feed in to others so you may need to use discretion.
  14. I get this, I know what you're talking about. I don't have a good answer because I have not had good control over my OCD either, but sometimes I just accept it and let myself do the compulsion which is probably exactly what you're not supposed to do but when the anxiety is overwhelming and I feel like I have to go back to the door and tap it it eight times in sets of four over and over I might say "okay OCD have your way, I will give you one more set of 32 and then please leave me alone" And like ceremony said above, I remind myself they are just thoughts and this is just a mean nasty thing
  15. thanks @Gearhead. Living with MI feels like part of us is on an island no one else can see. Who wants to tell your family just to be lectured about the problem is you just need to try harder to "think positive." Pretty sure if i could positive affirmation myself out of this I'd have done it a long time ago.
  16. I am not good. I can't tell anyone around me, if I go blabbing that I feel like a worthless person and life is pretty much miserable and hopeless they get upset. So I sit stuck in this cesspool of barely able to do anything and to everyone else I am a lazy sack of crap. Sorry for puking this on you guys I just can't say it anywhere else.
  17. I relate. I hate the feeling of long-term inertia. I almost started pulling out of it right before the pandemic but then everything shut down and the more time I have at home the less I do. Makes me feel rotten about myself but I don't know how to get any motivation back. A few years ago an increase in my wellbutrin helped but that has since fizzled out. No doc is likely to give me stimulants with my history of addiction. I do work but that's about all I can manage and I don't enjoy it at all. I agree with the lack of purpose & meaning in life being a factor, that and the learned help
  18. I don't know anything scientific about it, but I have had the same experience. I have had episodes since early teens but in my mid 30's is when I really noticed the profound heaviness in my legs and difficulty moving, and now I'm my 40's I have gone to doctors a few times during episodes because I am having such a hard time functioning physically. It feels like a three month flu when my brain slows down so much that it freaks family out, they'll find me standing in a room totally blanked out and not moving at all, it takes me three times as long to do anything because I keep freezing up.
  19. Never realized the psych ward was a fashion hub, but one I time I was in there I'd arrived with no shoes. After a week or so I got a "day pass" to go out for a couple of hours under supervision to see whether I could manage reality again, but I had no shoes, so staff went to lost & found and came back with some purple high-top Chuck Taylors with green laces. I loved them so much they let me take them home when I was released and they were my awesome-est shoes for a long time.
  20. Canadians have to be happy, if the election has gone the other way we'd all be trying to move up there with you.
  21. Overwhelmed. Work, family, news, name it. My brain sounds like a thousand radio says playing at the same time (ok exaggerating it's more like five or six stations but it's still a lot of noise nonetheless).
  22. Thanks, I am here so that I stop obsessively checking news coverage. Cheers to hoping America makes a good decision. I am nervous.
  23. Good job to both of you, @confusedand @jarn! Having a sponsor is good in many ways - someone to hold you accountable, someone to lead you through the program and how it can help you, and most important is that you'll now have a new support system available whenever you need it.
  24. That's a lot like how I did it the last time. I decided to try getting through Friday. Then I tried to get through a weekend. Then I made a new goal of making it through the week. Next weekend challenged myself to another week. Then it was try to get to my birthday. I hit my birthday and said okay I will see if I can get through to Thanksgiving. I kept setting new goals until enough time had passed that the cravings and habits had lessened enough that it was not a battle anymore.
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