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pinky_baby

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About pinky_baby

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  1. Yes, I have been diagnosed with OCD and have had treatment.
  2. For about the past three weeks I've been obsessing over childhood photos. Over the years, I've removed pictures from the picture album to show to people (I have a lot of photos of people I grew up with at our different activities like skating rinks and sports, also pics with my family, and me, etc. ) So anyway like I said over the years I've removed photos to take to school to show to people, and also I've removed some to scan on the computer (I had a long distance boyfriend that liked seeing what I was like growing up). Anyway I don't live at home anymore and I had said to myself that when I get time when I do go home, that I should probably put the photos back in the album. (My Mom put them in a different album so they wouldn't all be scattered, but some are still scattered here and there). I had never obsessed over this, but last time I went home, I saw the blank spots in the photo album and got triggered. When I see the blank spots in the photo album, my mind can't process that those spots are blank because I removed the photos. I think I ripped them all up. Also during an OCD fit a couple or few years back, I remember thinking about ripping certain photos up because I didn't like the way my hair looked on some of them. What's driving me crazy is that I can't actually remember if I ripped some of the photos up or not. There are certain ones that I remember focusing on, but I still have those and didn't rip them. If I didn't rip those, I probably didn't rip any others--but again I can't remember and can't really process all of this. Also I feel guilty and stupid because it was extremely stupid of me to feel that way--I like my hair as a kid b/c I was blonde and also those childhood photos are precious to me. So with that OCD fit and when I see the blank spots, my mind is going crazy. In reality, I probably didn't rip any or if I did it was just a couple or few and the rest of the blank spots are ones I removed and didn't put back. My mind is telling me that if a spot in the album is blank, it's because I ripped the photos. At this point, I guess it's impossible to know if I ripped any because I can't remember, and my OCD has got my thinking all clouded up. I guess the best I can do is look at the photo album when I go home to visit (which is in a couple of days) and assess how many spots are blank, and look at the places my Mom put some of those removed photos and see how many are there. Also I remember having some of the removed photos in a different album mixed in with some teenage photos so if I can locate that I can also assess how many are there. Anyway I feel extremely guilty about this. I feel like I'm the only one that has ever removed family photos and shown them or scanned them and not put them back. Also I feel like I'm the only one that has removed my favorite photos. Does this sound like OCD, or am I being perfectly reasonable?
  3. I don't like men with penises are that are too big--I want a man, not a horse. Men spend their whole lives wanting a bigger penis but many women don't want a man that is absolutely huge--the sex is usually painful for the woman and not as enjoyable. I've had this discussion often with women over the years. It seems like men never get it though--they still want a bigger one without taking into account that it's painful and uncomfortable for a lot of women.
  4. Thanks everyone for the replies. I read each one and really appreciate it! While we're on the subject of college, and so I don't have to start a new thread, can anyone give me some advice about public speaking? I'm terrified to do presentations. When I was in highschool, I had no problem getting in front of people and projecting myself. Now when I do presentations, I'm startled and more nervous than the average person. How can I overcome this? I feel like I'm the only one that gets this nervous.
  5. I have Ocd which is why I started posting on this board, and luckily my ocd is now in remission (been in remission for a few years now). Now I'm depressed. I'm posting this because not only do I need to vent, I need other people's opinions on my situation. I'm 26 (almost 27). I'm still in college. I just started going back to college last semester and I have 2 1/2 years left. I dropped out years ago when I was about 20. I dropped out due to health issues (autoimmune diseases) and also because my parents were forcing me to go when I just wasn't ready. At the time I lived in a small town and there weren't a lot of opportunities. When I moved to the city a couple of years ago, I was really surprised at all of the opportunities I had and places I could really go. So basically when I lived at home in my small town I was confused as to what life had to offer me plus I had health issues. Fast forward to now--I'm really depressed because I feel like I should be done with college now like other normal people my age. I won't have my Bachelors until I'm 30 and that really frightens me and sort of angers me. I feel like I won't have a real job until I'm 30, especially since the economy right now is not good. I've tried finding a job and haven't been able to, so I just go to school full time. Living like this until I'm 30 scares me and makes me feel trapped. I feel like I'm a failure in life and that there's no redeeming myself. Graduating from college at age 30 just seems like being a loser. How do I cope with this? I should add that after I dropped out of college at 20, I worked and also went to trade school, but even with a trade I currently can't find a decent job that will pay even half of my bills.
  6. I got over this fear and I have you all to thank for it. I rarely post on this board, because I'm scared something will trigger me. But I just wanted to come back and thank you all for helping my thought process reach sanity again. I think a lot of times members don't realize how big of an impact their posts are and how it can help bring people back to reality.
  7. Thanks everyone for your input and help. I really appreciate it. I'm definitely doing some better, although after I started to feel a little bit better, I was lying down and thought what if I was compulsively picking my ears many times a day everyday I was at work. I don't know what made me think that, but I assume if I think that it must be true. The fact that I of course can't possibly remember what I did everyday at work, makes everything worse, leading me to believe that I compulsively picked at my ears to the point of insanity and now can't remember how many times I did it and if it was compulsive. As you know when I wrote the post, I was writing because I knew I did it more than once. But now it's grown into a fear of what if it was compulsive, and again, I can't be sure that it wasn't, because I can't remember how often it was. I feel like if I was complusively repeatedly doing it, then the odds would be up that I would be caught. Sorry to rant, OCD definitely sucks. Again thanks everyone for taking the time to reply.
  8. I'm posting this here because I don't know where else I can go for some feedback. I have ocd. Right now I guess you can say it's in remission because I don't struggle with it anymore. A little over two years ago, I completely broke down with the ocd. I had an extreme fear of germs and HIV, and before that I would obsess over my parent's dying. I was in terrible condition and finally got outpatient treatment. Before I got outpatient treatment, I was still trying to function by working and going to school. I wasn't myself. My breakdown occurred long before I got help. So in other words, a little over two years ago is when I completely broke down to the point where I couldn't get out of bed. Before that I was broken down but still trying to function (by force, I didn't want to work, but parents pretty much made me), which brings me to my concerns now. While I was struggling with ocd I had a job in an office. I was a graphic designer. I was so out of it that there were days where I couldn't properly groom myself which is so unlike me (I've always loved make up, cute clothes, jewelry, etc.). I was depressed because I was forced into working (a job which I hated and a field I wasn't interested in). I was also obsessing like crazy. I used to obsessively write down my intrusive thoughts at work so I could read them to ruminate. Ocd interfered with everything I did. To make matters worse, I lost all sense of self and what's socially acceptable. To the gross part--I remember cleaning out my ears (wax) with my fingernail at my desk (I don't know how many days I did this, but more than once). To describe my 'office' all of my co workers were in an open space and we each had our seperate computers and desks (the desks were sort of connected). So it was maybe 10 people in one big open room. Anyway what is bothering me now is that I'm afraid that there were cameras filming us as we worked, and that there is video footage of me cleaning out my ears. I think it will haunt me down the road, and embarrass me and make me look like a slob. I fear that everyone will see me in that moment of my life where I was broken down and....cleaning out my ears. I feel like nobody on earth would've acted that way (to do something as gross as clean out their ears on the job). Anyway I fear that cameras caught every moment of my break down. To make matters worse, I worked for a newspaper, so I'm thinking they filmed us, and kept that footage for their archives. Am I making any sense? I don't know if this is OCD or a legitimate concern. I also don't understand human behavior, and if people perhaps do things if they think no one is looking. I tried talking to a family member about it, and that person just said that my actions were inappropriate and if I were to become famous I would probably be laughed at on youtube or something. Definitely didn't help matters. I'd like your honest opinions. I'm not for sure if there were cameras filming us at work, and I don't know how to find out. I don't remember seeing any cameras, but that doesn't mean anything. Maybe I couldn't see them, or maybe they told me and I soon forgot or just didn't care and acted how I wanted. Maybe I saw them or they told me but it's just been so long that I've forgotten.
  9. Thanks so much everyone. Reading these replies helps me to think rationally again. I had been doing so well, then bam this damn trigger happens. bluelikejazz, it was gross. What's bothering me is that I think the average person without ocd would be grossed out too. For me, that makes this trigger even worse because somehow it just reinforces that the trigger was scary and that I need to go to extreme measures to disinfect and protect myself and everyone around me. I can't draw the line. I think maybe I am being rational by staying in bed all day and scared to go into the car. Is this what a normal person would do? I refuse to touch anything that has been in the car that I drove to my appointment.
  10. I posted this on another board but also wanted to post it here. I've been in bed 2 days now because of this incident: So I went to the orthodontist on Friday. He had to drill on my teeth and I bled. I was kind of freaked out when I saw my blood on his dental instrument and I asked him if that was my blood on the instrument and he said yes. I wanted to ask him if it was clean but I didn't want to seem rude or weird. So anyway once he was done and I was about getting ready to leave, I saw some dental instruments on what appeared to be a bloody towel. To me it looked like they put all of the used instruments with blood on them and wiped them on the white towel. It looked like a white towel with blood smeared all over it. So I asked the receptionist who is also one of the dental assistants what was wrong with that towel. She told me that it was a bleached red towel and that's why it looked like that. She said the red towels have been bleached over and over so that's why it looked like that. I'm not sure what a bleached red towel looks like. I fear the dental assistant was lying to me about the towel and that it was blood smeared all over a white towel. I don't know how to get over this. I've disinfected the car once (the car that I drove to my dental appointment) but I feel the need to disinfect it again. It's my Mom's car and I don't want her in the car because I feel as though it's contaminated. I don't know how to get over this. What do I do?
  11. Ok so I went to the doctor on Wednesday and the doctor said I needed to take a pregnancy test. The nurse came with the cup that I was supposed to pee in and set it right on some of the papers the doctor had given me to take home and read through. I don't think the cup directly touched my prescriptions that the dr. wrote out, but it did touch some of the other papers that I had to take home with me. As a result, I'm scared to get my prescriptions filled. I feel as though the scripts are contaminated and when I get the prescriptions filled that the gels and creams (for my skin) will automatically be contaminated. I don't know if that cup was clean or not. I fear I might catch HIV from it. When I got home I threw away all of the papers the doctor had given me because I thought they were contaminated. I haven't driven my own car in a few days because I feel like the whole car is contaminated. As luck would have it, I was watching the news later on that same night and an HIV infected person told a health care provider that as many as 50 teenagers had been exposed to the disease in the suburbs of St. Louis. That sent me over the edge even more. The doctor that I went to was in St. Louis. In my ocd mind, my fear of the cup is justified since there could be an outbreak of HIV among teens in the a SUBURBS of all places. Luckily though, I ended up not having to take the pregnancy test but will have to take it on my next visit (I'm going to try to get out of taking the test though). Anyway my whole car is contaminated now from that cup. So are my scripts. I think they are contaminated with HIV. I'm not sure if they use those pee cups over and over or not. How do I confront this? I'm terrified. *The plus side is that my doctor was clean and so was his office and building. I'm not sure what St. Louis suburb made the news (I'm scared to look) but at least my doctor's office and building wasn't in a suburb.
  12. Thanks guys. I appreciate the responses and the help. I still don't know what I'm going to do. I still have mild ocd and a host of other health issues (graves disease, lupus, etc.). I guess in order to keep getting the health insurance I have no choice but to be tied down to seeing this psychiatrist. Hmmph.
  13. Thanks susan for the reply and all of helpful info you've provided. A food and exercise journal, eh? Not a bad idea. I'll give it a try.
  14. My guess is we won't know anytime soon what the cause is. In my case, when on SSRI's, my appetite never increases and I stick to healthy eating habits and workout regimens. Even still, I either gain weight or can't lose. With zoloft I gained. With luvox I just can't lose no matter what I do. As soon as I got off of zoloft a couple of years ago I immediately dropped 30 lbs. I'm convinced that SSRI's kill metabolism for most people and give some people insulin problems. I'm going to taper off of my luvox. I can't enjoy doing better with ocd if I can't lose weight. I eat well and have a personal trainer. Bye-bye luvox, hello back to my normal weight. So yeah in essence my experience with SSRI's is that I have no increase in appetite, but lose the ability to lose weight. Weird.
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