I don't know what to do. I hurt, emotionally, so bad. I have anxiety, sever insomnia and depression troubles. Along with pinched nerves, injured vertabre and arthritis. I'm 35. I have three kids and I've been married for 15 years. So many of my problems surround my relationship with my husband. I know everything is not his fault, I've always had abandonment issues. I was adopted and raised by my paternal grandmother, I was lucky to have her. She was every thing to me but sadly she passed away in 2013. I took care of her until she passed. Losing her crippled me for a long time but finally I'm working through it. I had a son at 16 who I kept and raised with the help of my mom. The father was just as young and not around. I felt horrible he didn't have a father so when I was pregnant with my 2nd son I married the man. More than a lot had to do with wanting my son to have a dad, the 2nd one, and the guilt over my first was always there. At first things were pretty good. He cared and tried. Over time I saw the caring and trying only went so far. I didn't know before hand about his own mental issues, sever depression and bipolar. They began to read their ugly heads and se3mongly turned him into someone else. He was always angry, we had to walk on egg shells always worrying when he would fill and turn into angry dad. Despite these troubles I always knew he still cared and loved us. One day I had to remind him that my first son was just a kid. They never got along and he was always distant to him but he was never abusive. He never isolated him out of made him different. I could just tell that he felt different about him. I had to tell him to live my son like he loved his niece and nephew. That seemed to make sence to him and he tried. Now, I know and see that he just wasn't able to. Over time our relationship suffered and got worse. We would have the worst arguments. Crap happened on both sides. We were both hurt and we were hurtling each other, even if we didn't mean to. Honest. It should have ended there. It didn't. We had a 3rd son and my husband got laid off the best job he ever had. It would be his last serious job, all the following ones were short lived. His depression was getting worse and I couldn't get him to a doctor. Then we lost insurence and had no hope of getting him to a doctor. He became so controlling, so angry and manipulative. He would say the worst things to me, throw things at me and be as cruel as you can get without physically harming me. He wore me down to nothing. I was never depressed before all this. Anxiety, yes but depression, no. Between three kids, an abusive husband and a dying mother, I was losing myself. I had left school when my mom took a turn for a worst so I could be with her more but I wanted so much for myself so I enrolled in online school to finish my B.A. I did finish my degree but not until a few months after her death. While she was getting worse my husband took more or a role in caring for her, I had to sleep sometime. When she got bed ridden she also lost some of her mental alertness. She had to be changed and for the life of her she wouldn't let me change her, he had to do it. He uses it against me ever argument. We argue all the time. He just goes off and every once in a while I just can't take it anymore. I'll argue back. It got so bad that my first born, who is about 16 at this point, would want to protect me. I am so ashamed at my own weakness. I never wanted his to spill over to the kids. I was stupid. Now my first born was the only one I had that felt like was on my side. I always felt alone and I always had to protect my son from my husband. He wouldn't say anything to him but by this point the boy could feel the difference, my husband just didn't love the boy. My husband grew up with an abusive mother that made him and his sister believe that their halfsisters weren't people and didn't count as family. That's how he treated my son, he was there because of the other two and he had to care for the other. I am so ashamed. My first born is 19 now. He moved out a month after graduation. He lives in the same town and we see each other ocassionally but he barly talks to me. He living his life I know but he never say hi or goodbye. I tell him I love him through Facebook, he looks at it so that's something. In am paying for my weakness. I hope one day he will forgive me. I won't give up on him, I'll always be here loving him. My husband has not gotten any better. In 2015 he somehow got poisoned and lost his vision. For the longest we had no income. Things were horrible and he was getting worse. Arguments everyday, the I'm sorries followed by the fear of an9ther argument. It was a cycle and still is. One minute I'm a great wife and if you wait 5 minutes he will be stomping down the hall mad as he'll about nothing. He scares me. He destroys the house, breaks everything he can get his hands on. It's always me trying to get him. I left the price of paper on the floor trying to get him to slip. I also put random tacks on the floor for him to step on, I move the salt so he puts too much pepper on his food, I am always out to get him. He gets so mad he hurts the animals, he has shut the cats in the door just because they were trying to come in. He threw one cat against a free. I tried getting rid of all the animals to protect them but he just brings home more. I am not allowed a dog because he is a cat person. I am not allowed to work because he won't know where I am. Last job I had he had to take me everyday just to make sure I was actually working. He accused me of sleeping with everyone, and I mean everyone, there. I couldn't talk to anyone without being yelled at. One time he made my shirt off in the parking lot to make sure I didn't have another one under it. I have herniated disks in my neck and low back and I can't lift somethings, he won't help me with anything. We got a flat tire and had to pull the van over. Because wouldn't help me find a new tire, I don't know anything about them but he does, by the time I found everything the van was towed. I have no money of my own, just his disability. He doesn't want to pay to get the van out. He won't pay for insurance or anything like that but he won't let me work. I've gotten tickets because of insurence and registration. He would make me feel guilty for having to pay any thing and for the last he just refused to. I don't know what to do. I know what I need to do but I can't. Right before Christmas 2017, I asked him to go. I couldn't take it all any more. He wouldn't go. He locked me in the bathroom and wouldn't let me out. When I got out he hit me. I escaped and ran next door to my uncle's and called the police. So did he. They talked to him and our 8 year old son. He made my son say he saw me hit myself. I was almost arrested because my husband hit me and lied about it. I ended up with a horribly bruised eye, a fractured zygomatic bone and other contusions to my face. The bruise has gone away but nothing else has. I am resound to protect my kids from this, my two kids at home are 15 and 9. I need to get out from under this. I have days where I can't leave my room because of my own anxiety and I imagine PTSD and I work my way though it. I know I can be the person I need to be but I am so scared all the time. I just don't see where the steps are. Lastly he has been spending the sparce money we do have on video games. He has not bought our children anything, except games, I'm about two years. I don't know where to go from here. I'm so lost.