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Everything posted by bluelikejazz

  1. I don't have a clear answer for you, because I'm working through it myself. What happened to you was not your fault. His behaviour lies solely on him, and all of those reasons for not leaving are perfectly valid and shared by many women, as you know. Gaslighting is fucking awful. There is nothing in your personality, behaviour, thoughts or otherwise, that makes abusive behaviour okay. If you feel blamed then it will hugely impair the relationship with your therapist, so it's definitely something to discuss with them. For me, I wonder if childhood trauma made me less able to see the abuse dynamics. I'm not sure if I was vulnerable, or if he made me vulnerable.
  2. Does anybody know if Australian super companies still pay out if the death is a suicide?
  3. My psychologist cancelled because she is sick. I’m not coping post Pap-smear despite all the skills I have. Everything sucks.
  4. Well, I got through it. I was very dissociated and I cried through it but the doctor was nice. The sensation of having something in me was horrible. I felt so ashamed and dirty and violated. I was in a busy area and I felt scared that any man nearby might hurt me. I paid extra to have the HPV test, so I don’t have to get another one for 5 years. ive taken a lot of benzo’s and that has helped. I feel like an adult again.
  5. Thanks. Well done for getting through it, I’m glad you had somebody supportive. My husband was very supportive for all my other medical procedures and that got me through them. Unfortunately he was abusive in other ways to the point I feared for my life 4 months ago and he assaulted police and the police approached me to apply for an AVO. That’s why it’s so shit, because there’s new trauma on top of the old.
  6. USA RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE (1-800-656-4673) also offering online hotline at https://www.rainn.org/ National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) also offering online hotline at http://www.thehotline.org/ Canada Australia 1800RESPECT (1800737732) National sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. Please note that the trauma specialist counselling is sadly no longer staffed by RDVSA. Your calls will be triaged and there have been some complaints since R&DVSA sadly withdrew. I've still found them good but YMMV. NSW Rape Crisis 1800424017 This service is still run by R&DVSA. Their website is conflicting but it seems now anybody in any state can call the line. From their website:"The service is accessible to anyone who is at risk of or has experienced sexual assault, family and/or domestic violence or who is supporting someone who experienced that violence." Your call will be answered by highly trained specialists in domestic violence and sexual assault. They are trauma-informed and have a fantastic reputation. They recently saved my life so I'm a little biased. Once you make contact you may be given the recontact number. You can leave a voicemail and somebody will call you back. There is online chat but priority is given to the crisis line and then to answering recontact voicemails so often you are just sitting at #1 in the queue for hours. If you are very dissociated or don't have the courage to ring you could try lifeline between 7pm and midnight but they may have very little training about PTSD.
  7. It's me, the ghost moderator. I'm getting a pap smear tomorrow. I'm almost 30 and have never had one. I have a BRCA mutation of unknown significance and I skipped the HPV vaccine due to being an ignorant teenager. So I need to do it. The problem is that it's the perfect culmination of all my triggers, the sexual abuse, medical trauma AND the best place for me to go is the closest shopping centre to where my ex-partner (for whom I have an AVO protecting me from) lives. I visited the clinic and had the doctor talk me through the procedure. I've written a letter explaining my trauma history and asking her to tell me everything she is doing and to let me dissociate during it and help me ground afterwards. I'm still panicking. I called the SA crisis line and that helped a little. I have a number so I can leave a message tomorrow and they will call me back within a few hours. What else helps you?
  8. Why would that be a bad thing? It's unusual but I can't see how it would be harmful or looked down upon. I've had friends move churches but remain in a bible study connected to their old church. Is it important to you to be very involved in a church? If you were volunteering etc in two churches that would be pretty exhausting.
  9. Children are really vulnerable and you were faced with the potential death of your mother and felt responsible for preventing it. That sounds to me like emotional abuse and would be worth talking to your therapist about. Could you copy and paste this post and get them to read it?
  10. I just opened a word document, wrote each year of life on a new line and then went back to add what happened when. I didn't need any templates or anything. Later on I drew picture with crayons. It doesn't need to have a specific template. For me it was important for it to be linear but if somebody doesn't have any sense of when events happened (e.g were very young or dissociated) maybe a mind-map could work too.
  11. Yup, what I've left out here is that repeated trauma can even more complex and long-lasting effects on the brain. I'm glad it helped.
  12. Lithium drastically reduced my suicidal thoughts, enough that therapy like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy could work. I've never heard of it increase the risk of suicide.
  13. Could you ask what sort of things they do for other clients? I imagine that's the kind of role that could shift and change. For some people it might be organising emergency housing, or helping you sort out lost prescriptions, help getting to appointments or linking you to finacial or social resources.
  14. Australian lines are included in the list of crisis services but I thought it might help to talk more about which services are available and their strengths and weaknesses. These are the only ones I've had experience with so feel free to add your experiences. Crisis lines in Australia Lifeline 131114 24 hours Online Crisis support chat 7 pm to 4 am Sydney time (subject to change). Strengths: Anybody can call for any issue. Weaknesses: May not have as much training in traumatic stress and experiences will depend on who you get. · Process is to call and wait on hold. · Can call for any reason from suicide, loneliness or worries about friends and family. · They provide brief crisis support only and don’t collect personal details, other than if you are imminently suicidal. · Primarily trained volunteers with some paid staff. · Calls are routed nationally, so if you really don’t click with one person you can call back and it’s very likely to be somebody different. · Anonymous online chat is also available. However, I suspect these crisis supporters are either talking to a few people at once or type very slowly. Suicide call back service 1300659467 24 hours There is a chat but it only runs some hours of the day and this isn’t clear from the website. · For people at risk of suicide, bereaved by suicide, family/friends/professionals caring for those who are suicidal. · The online chat requires you to set up an account with email etc. · They sometimes also do face to face, skype or telephone counseling especially if you live in a rural area. · My tdoc recommended them over lifeline for suicidal ideation. 1800RESPECT This line’s stated purpose is for domestic violence (including any abuse like emotional or financial) or crisis sexual assault. However, I’ve spoken to many counselors and they are willing to help people with vicarious trauma or experiences of historical sexual assault. Their initial questions will suggest it’s only for the first two, so don’t be put off by that. · They have a 24-hour chat room but you need to give some details. · When you initially call or enter the chat room you will speak to an initial person employed by medibank who are not specialized counsellors. There have been complaints about them but I have found them to be compassionate. · They will have a specialist counselor call you back, usually within 3 hours. This has the benefit of not having to wait on hold for a long time. These counselors are trained in trauma and are very sensitive. I was nervous about giving them details but this meant that when I called 12 months after my first call, the same counselor rang back and had all the context so I didn’t have to repeat my story again. They are also a bit more creative and will email practical resources that will help. Does anybody have other experiences?
  15. My doctors have been willing to do that if it's a fudging of criteria, e.g script says BP when I clearly have MDD. The modafinil situation is different because it is only listed for narcolepsy and the criteria would require appropriate evidence from a sleep specialist. I did extensive research into buying it (legally) from India but the pharmaceutical companies involved had been in trouble for contamination etc so I decided not to risk it. I hadn't considered a canadian pharmacy - I'll check that out. edit - nope. It's schedule F in Canada and seized at the border. Only available for Canadians if they have narcolepsy.
  16. I talked to a pdoc once who said they never use it because of the risk of psychosis. They also said the evidence wasn't strong enough for it to be on the PBS and sometimes in the US drugs take off because they are marketed aggressively to doctors and also marketed directly to consumers, which is illegal in Australia. It sucks if you're one of the few it does work for because off-label is bloody expensive. I'm having similar issues with modafinil.
  17. I often listen to podcasts while I go to sleep. It helps a lot.
  18. Is this the first time you've engaged in services? I had one bad experience but that was in a general psych assessment that didn't ask any trauma screen symptoms. After that my tdoc wrote a note for me. You can say "I can't talk about those details" or even write out a note to the doctor if you think you might freeze up or zone out. Avoidance of traumatic memories is a key symptom of PTSD so you don't need to stress about that. The guilt? that's really common and another symptom of PTSD. Let us know how you go with the assessment, if that would help.
  19. Using cognitive defusion (from acceptance and commitment therapy) helps but usually I just distract.
  20. Dissociation is a continuum from driving somewhere and not remembering how you got there through to the more extreme DID. Dissociation can be due to trauma, but people can experience depersonalization from severe anxiety without trauma. My dissociation comes from childhood trauma. I feel like there's a spaceyness in my head. I know I'm still me but it doesn't feel quite right.
  21. I found driving hard after a bad accident. Turning across paths of traffic at lights was particularly anxiety provoking and I would take long detours to avoid it. One day I was so sick of it that I googled and found that there was a lot of driving instructors who actually specialise in that sort of thing. had an hour session in the instructors car with dual controls and just that one session helped so much. I wish I did it earlier.
  22. Feeling sick and run down might make you a bit more vulnerable to anxiety symptoms. I haven't ever heard of panic attacks becoming dangerous whilst you are sick. Health anxiety can often occur for people who have anxiety disorders. Is it something you worry about a lot? sometimes it can be helpful to see a psychologist to focus on changing the thoughts about being sick.
  23. I saw a reddit post about this a few days ago and was amazed that I wasn't the only one. I relive cringeworthy things I did from five years ago. Silly anxious thoughts.
  24. It's very likely I have postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome, although I haven't had a tilt table test to confirm. I've heard a lot of anecdotal evidence that increasing salt can help but I'm worried it will mess with the lithium levels. Is that a big risk?
  25. If you want diet info see this thread http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/57604-latest-view-on-maoi-diet-restrictions/
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