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Fluent In Silence

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  1. I've asked my counsellor about this a couple of times, and she's helped me a lot but she just looks at me uncomprehendingly when I mention it. It's a part of me, and it probably always will be, but I can't make peace with it so what do I do with this shit? Denying it means denying who I am, which makes me feel numb and empty, but how the hell do accept this crap? I've tried hating everything and everyone but I can't keep it up because I'm too nice. Fuck everything and everyone! Nothing matters and you can all go fu... Oh sorry! Did I step on your toe? It was an accident and I hope I didn't hurt you. You're ok? God I'm so sorry. Yeah I'm a nihilist and I don't care about anything or anyone. (I do though.) I've always thought that it's not OK to feel this way. Too much of a contrast between my good and bad moods to be a coherent individual. Is it OK? It can make you feel like you're a terrible person having all these dark and miserable thoughts, but I can't remember doing anything to hurt anyone because I'd be overcome with guilt if I did. Having to fight against yourself makes you feel like less than half a person. Things would be so much better if we were both on the same team. Go team me! Fuck you! No fuck you! Fuck you with bells on! Well fuck you a million times! Yeah my brain is a battlefield, though fuck knows what we're fighting for.
  2. Oh yes, the trash can pops up. Didn't notice that. But I got a lot of likes so maybe I should leave it there for posterity.
  3. Mental illness doesn't make you see through the fucking Matrix or anything but it does make you wonder what sanity is. Most people can just fit in and go with the flow and so don't have to ask this question. Burn the witch! Sanity has always been statistical and while we might have stopped burning witches the world is still absolutely fucking insane and seems to be run by crazy people, and not the good sort of crazy people like people here. It's all in your head and you should try to be rational like everybody else. Oh fuck off! Everyone's insane and the people who are labelled as mentally ill are those who don't share the common type of insanity. I may have gone a bit too far there but I think it's mostly true. I've seen through the Matrix and I know that we're all living a lie because 200 years ago cheese became sentient and enslaved the human race in order to use us as a source of critical reviews about different cheeses. But once they've found the perfect cheese they'll no longer have any use for us and we'll all be turned into cheese. But now that I say it out loud it seems a bit unlikely. It would explain President Trump though. He does look like he's made of cheese, and not the good kind but that processed orange shit. What the fuck am I talking about?
  4. Really? Not something you hear often on this thread but good for you!
  5. This is lovely even if you don't care for the music. From 43:20 the lead singer Joe gets emotional about performing at Glastonbury and can't continue. Luckily the Irish guy in his underpants is ready to jump into the crowd and keep things going like the professional that he is. Underpants guy is apparently still working as a dentist. The lead singers wife comes onstage and awwww! Probably nobody will find this interesting but I thought it was great.
  6. Lactation has been listed as a possible side effect of the meds I've been on. They don't say whether that's gender specific so I remember wondering whether I would start lactating, which would be awesome because I'm always running out of milk. Alas my nipples remained dry.
  7. Oh yes! It's a part of me but I can't accept it. Let's all just get along, everyone is a unique interesting individual and we should all try to be kind and understanding to each other. Love is better than hate. Then the depression chimes in with it's eloquent arguments such as "Fuck everything! Everything is shit and life is just suffering. It's all pointless misery and nothing matters." I can't accept it, though who the 'I' is can vary. I hope I don't sound like some mass murdering psychopath because the hate only ends up hitting me, and I'm no danger to anyone except myself. Tired of the constant battle in your head. I know very well how that feels.
  8. I think it was always a way of taking out my self-loathing on myself. Take that you piece of shit! It still crosses my mind sometimes but I haven't acted on these thoughts for a long time. There is this need to let out all the crap that's building up inside you in some way, though I don't want to encourage anyone to do it because it doesn't really work. I honestly didn't know that other people cut themselves when I was young and started doing it. Don't mean to sound like the 'original hipster' who was doing it before it became mainstream or anything like that. Confused the fuck out of poor young me and I struggled to explain it. Poor young me thought it might be about control. Nobody can hurt me as much as I hurt myself, and if I'm capable of doing that then it won't be so difficult to cut my wrists. I was listening to a lot of Radiohead at the time. I still listen to a lot of Radiohead, though as I said, I haven't self harmed for a long time. But not exactly a happy ending, I've just found other ways to destroy myself. God I hate coming out with such miserable shit. A part of me is saying "Don't be so dramatic you miserable twat!" I want to make a joke out of it (it's good for morale!) though it's true sometimes.
  9. People here have been very patient and understanding with you. You've been sounding like a misogynistic arsehole with your talk of incels and 'women's shit' and single mothers. I'm detecting a bit of a theme there. There's probably more women than men here, and they'll be nice to you if you could show any respect for them as human beings. Can't be bothered with women's shit, just want to fuck them. Do you see how that might sound a bit offensive? No interest in the woman as a whole, just the woman as a hole. You seem to have a shit attitude towards women, and maybe something happened to you which made you feel this way, but that doesn't give you the right to offend anyone because everyone here is struggling with their own shit. Nobody understands you. Well perhaps you aren't making any sense. Nobody here wants to shit on you, but you seem to be shitting on other people so you can't expect hugs and kisses.
  10. Classic. Statue of big dog with fleas! I've been listening to more rap music because I'm a nearly 40 year old white guy who's probably going through a midlife crisis (Though life has always been a fucking crisis). This is a fucking tune though.
  11. I seem to have accidentally uploaded a picture of a Yoda dildo to my attachments. This wasn't intentional, I was just discussing Star Wars sex toys with someone (as you do) and somehow managed to click the wrong thing. I know you're all chilled here but I don't want to get into trouble because someone is offended by Yoda's green veiny erection, but I don't know how to remove it. I'm sure this happens a lot right? We've all accidentally uploaded a picture of a dildo haven't we?
  12. I'm doing great! I haven't seriously thought about killing myself for two days now! Eurgh! Those thoughts have been more regular recently. I remember saying to someone here that if you're thinking about suicide a lot then it's probably an indication that you aren't doing well. So I guess I'm not doing well. I've been thinking about suicide for about 25 years so this isn't my first rodeo. It sounds so dramatic to mention it but it's pretty normal for me, which isn't normal I guess. How are you doing? I'm fine how are you? I don't give myself enough credit for how far I've come. These days I leave the house more times in a week than I used to in a month or maybe even a year. I'm not so anxious about being around people and talking to them, and they don't seem to hate me when I say something. I started driving again and I can answer the phone without panicking. Well done me! I've come this far but the next step always seems impossible to overcome. Don't you want somebody to love? Don't you need somebody to love? Wouldn't you love somebody to love? You better find somebody to love. Yes but that's never going to happen so what's the point? I'm tired of being alone but I'm stupid and worthless and ugly and damaged and why the hell would anyone want to be with me? That probably sounds over the top but it seems so true sometimes. And I can't completely dismiss such thoughts as 'just the depression talking' because perhaps it really is true. If I keep thinking that way it'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy and will become true. Thinking well about myself is such an alien concept though.
  13. No need to be nervous. The problems you mention aren't unusual here and hopefully you'll feel able to talk openly to people here.
  14. I picked up a Trump cagenar (Spanish for shitter probably) when I was in Barcelona. Like many things he does this is hilarious but also scary. Baby wants a military parade like his friends Kim and Vladimir. 😢
  15. In the absence of any concrete feelings which can be relied upon when I wake up in the morning I try to be as constant as I can, which means being monosyllabic and boring. If you can't make sense to yourself then what can you possibly be to anyone else? But you can become trapped in other people's perceptions of you. Oh whatever. Boing boing! I hate everything and want to kill myself. Or I did yesterday or the day before but not today. One of those is the real me.
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