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Fluent In Silence

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  1. Wasn't sure about my wording there. No idea how unusual it is. So, bit of research. 7.6% of people have experienced sleep paralysis. 28.3% of students and 31.9% of psychiatric patients. Not sure why it's more common in students and psychiatric patients. Maybe that's to do with drugs, both the medicinal and recreational kind. Just over a third of people with panic disorder get sleep paralysis, and white people are less likely to experience it for some reason. I haven't experienced it myself but the malevolent presence seems to be a common experience for those that do. Wherever I've seen it mention it's inevitably accompanied by this picture.
  2. This is usually explained by sleep paralysis. Your brain turns off your body when you're sleeping and dreaming. If that didn't happen you'd be flailing all over the place when you have a nightmare, or even when you want to stroke that cute puppy in your dreams. Some people wake up when they're still paralysed, which can be a frightening experience I believe. I don't know if it's related to psychosis or PTSD but people without these conditions can experience the same thing. Maybe the meds? Dunno, but it's not such a unusual thing.
  3. Nope. Hope I'm wrong. Sometimes I'm throwing fuel on a fire which is so dim that it needs an accelerant. Or so it seems. Alcohol does unfortunately make me feel more comfortable in my own skin, which overcomes all the crappy thoughts I have about me not being worthwhile and enables me to actually feel like a member of the human race for a while. And that's rubbish. I am a good drunk. Not much of a boast I know. Sometimes end up shouting insults at bigots online but fuck them. Drunk enough to care. Overcome my cynical, paranoid, fearful thoughts for a while. Be the person I might be if I wasn't damaged and neurotic as fuck. Boo hoo. Sorry, didn't mean to sound so whingey. The old self fulfilling prophecy. I know. I've been blessed with so much self-awareness that it hurts. Fitting in and being loved seems so unrealistic that I might as well go with self-destruction. Just don't want to be alone, but don't know how to be anything else.
  4. So suicide ideation right? Not self injury? Just wondering what miserable stuff to moan about. Self-injury. Haven't done it for a long time but the thought still pops up every now and again. Suicide ideation? Yes. Like Disappear77 said it can be a comfort. A way out. When I feel down there's always that option, shit though it is. Not trying to encourage the idea but I think that is a big part of why we think of it when things seem so crap. There's always that way out. There's better options probably, although they don't always seem obvious at the time. Cheer up! Recently, I've been thinking that I should kill myself after completing my degree, which at least gives me three years to come up with a better idea. Mature student doing fine. Will probably get a first with decent grades. Which might sound arrogant but even if that's true I don't think it's enough to unfuck my life. Go out on a high. Too late to make a difference. Never going to be a proper human being. So I'm capable of better things, which means I've wasted much of my life. So erm ... that's how my brain works.
  5. No it's nothing I haven't thought myself sometimes. Denial? Often. Other times it's deliberate self-destruction. Sorry, that's probably too much to share. That's a reason why depression and alcohol are such awful bedfellows. Drinking is bad for me and I should stop. I have my whole life in front of me. Oh my God! I have my whole life in front of me, I need a drink. Dammit. I lost my job during the lockdown but luckily I started doing a degree course, which has been very good for my sanity. But school's out and it's just me and my own thoughts. Hold on until next term.
  6. Amazing advice. Have you tried not letting things get you down and just getting on with life too. Such wisdom. Cheer up! #heavyfuckingsarcasm. I was thinking that if homosexuality really did cause natural disasters then I'd probably give it a go just once to feel that sense of power. Note to religious bigots - you're making homosexuality sound pretty damn cool.
  7. Sorry about all that, and thanks for replying and sharing your own experiences. I was a bit worried that I'd sounded offensively stupid. I was thinking out loud, and some of my thoughts are absolute shite. I may not be an alcoholic but it's definitely not healthy. Physically or mentally. Need my crutch. Do I? One of the damaging things it does is create this dichotomy between drunk me and sober me. Drunk me is sociable, nice, confident, sometimes funny. Sober me is miserable, unsociable, confused and full of self-doubt. I need alcohol to be a better person because I don't even want to know me when I'm sober. Like Popeye and his spinach. "I'm strong to the finish coz I drink too much, I'm Fluent the worthless fucking piss can." That doesn't rhyme. I don't need it to be a better person. I just need to stop thinking such miserable shit about myself. I can be sociable, nice, confident and sometimes funny when I'm sober. I have been, but I'm a bit isolated at the moment and all the old thoughts creep in. With no evidence to the contrary I default to thinking I'm a piece of shit and everyone would be better off without me. Which is self-perpetuating. I am helpful and nice when people ask me for help. I have made people laugh when I'm sober. But sober me wants to escape itself and become drunk me sometimes because that seems like a better me. They don't exist! It's all me, the good and the bad. I need to get out more.
  8. That genuinely made me laugh. 🤣. Have I mentioned that I like you? I don't have an addictive nature. Lucky again I suppose, and trying my best to fuck that up. I don't drink because I need to. I've been a total piss head but it's never threatened to become alcoholism. I stop. And that's a problem in a way. I am excellent at being drunk. Never going to be an alcoholic, despite my apparent efforts. I'm like a super hero in that way. And ignore mentioning the absolute miserable shit I said. No, what? Everything is fine. I know that might sound naive saying that I'm somehow immune to addiction, but it's had plently of opportunities and it hasn't happened. So I'm not an alcoholic, I'm just a fucking idiot.
  9. So I drink quite a bit. Beer is great and wine is lovely. It is fine to have a drink, but it matters why you're drinking. There's a difference between going to a dinner party and saying "That's a wonderful Bordeaux" which makes you sound cultured and fucking annoying. "Oh it has a wonderful nose!" Dickhead. I've never been invited to a dinner party. But then there's how I choose what to drink. Pick up a bottle of wine and pretend to be reading the label. Oh! It goes well with poultry dishes. Don't give a shit. Looking at the alcohol percentage. 13%, that'll do. Goes well with sadness and misery. Having a beer and getting wasted is fine, it just depends on your reasons. I drink for all the wrong reasons. Confidence! That comes in a bottle. Feelings come in cans. And it might make me feel better for a while or it might make me so much worse, but when you feel like shit anyway rolling them dice seems like a good idea. And I'm unfortunately a good drunk. If I vomited everywhere and started fights with badgers I might think twice about having a drink. All my anxieties melt away and I no longer hate myself. Except when it makes it worse. Alcohol narrows your focus, which can mean blocking out those annoying self-doubts or making them the only thing you hear. Yay, let's play Russian roulette. Alas I'm often a better person when I'm drunk. More sweary and opinionated but less neurotic and self-loathing. I've been hitting the booze hard for years and I'm now over 40. I'm somehow far healthier than I deserve to be. I'm not sure if the person who gets my liver when I die is lucky or not. 1 careless user but it's worked fucking well. But I'm not trying to say that drunkeness is OK. It's shit. How about a bottle of "I feel comfortable in my own skin". It would be better to be able to feel like that without alcohol. The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. But I like alcohol, it would just be better if I selected a bottle of wine because it has a good nose, whatever the fuck that means. I'm not a sophisticated drunk. Yep! That will get me fucked up. Thank you cheap Australian wine. I'm talking shit again. There is a serious point in all that bollocks about how it matters why you drink. One of my favourite books about living with depression "Shoot the Damn Dog", she wasn't a heavy drinker but it was the reason she turned to alcohol which was the problem. There's "I'm going to get drunk so I can relax and let go of my worries". Fair enough. Good to cut loose every now and then. My reasons for getting drunk? "Because I can't stand existing and I want to get so fucking wasted that I forget who I am." Not good. But what's it's fucking nose like?
  10. I love the adverts here. Shop at Cotosen.com if you're dumb as fuck. Looks like a catalogue for fuckwits who stormed the capitol. Tactical T-shirts? What the fuck is a tactical T-shirt? Oh you can buy tactical shorts and trousers too. I think I know what tactical means. Am I wrong? Tactical T-shirt? Tactical pants? "Women's outdoor tactical printed sweatshirt." Firstly - oh you can fucking wear it outdoors. Wow! Amazing! That's a great selling point. And it's tactical in some undefined way. Doesn't seem to have any pockets so not that fucking tactical there dickhead. That's a tactical belt. It's just a fucking belt! Where does the word 'tactical' come into it? Well I have this tactic of keeping my pants up. Is that what you mean? Can't see any tactical underpants. I'm wearing a tatical t-shirt, because I think the earth is flat and Trump won the election. Let other people know how fucking dumb you are by shopping at Cotosen.com.
  11. That is a lovely thing to hear. I did not know that you're a published author. I knew it! You are J.K. Rowling! Nah, not transphobic enough. I've only ever met one other published author before. That didn't turn out well. I got on OK with him and we talked about books. Bit excitable though. He ran a literature group, which is where I met him, but that fell apart after he said something really offensive about the children of one of the women who attended. Not sure why I'm mentioning this. I do wonder what lessons you taught in your books. Lessons I'd want to teach a kid - nobody is perfect, everyone fails sometimes, some people are just cunts and aren't worth thinking about. "Harry Potter and the bunch of cunts." Sorry. I'm never going to be a children's author. Too pessimistic and sweary. Anyway, back to talking about me. Yay! I guess a problem has always been that I can think objectively and rationally, but that this ignores and denies what I'm feeling. I was thinking that that's maybe a positive of mental illness in some ways. Although it doesn't usually feel like one. Too fucking rational - have to think about everything. When I've expressed some opinion on here my brain comes up with counter arguments as to why I'm talking shit. Uncertainty is a good thing in a lot of ways. People just accept the shit they're told and get on with being human. I had to learn to walk by thinking of putting one foot in front of the other. In some ways. Try to be rational like normal people. Normal people aren't at all rational. But this is all crap. In some ways I am hyper-rational, but in other ways I know I'm completely irrational. "Everyone hates me?" Haven't met everyone. I don't know if I'm a good person but I don't think I'm a bad one. Depression makes you numb and you disengage from other people. Don't care, nothing matters. Now beat yourself up for being so insensitive and uncaring. I need constant reminders that I'm not a worthless prick. That's not easy to achieve when you think you're a worthless prick. You're just boring people! Leave them alone, they aren't interested in your shit. Don't invest yourself in relationships and it won't bother you so much when they fail. Told you so! Self-fulfilling prophecy. Expect nothing from anyone and never be disappointed when they live down to your expectations. But it doesn't work like that. Blame myself. Been spending too much time alone recently. Wake up too early in the morning and my brain won't shut up. "Let's think about the Israeli-Palestinian problem, the gender question, why Piers Morgan is such a dick". I just want to get back to sleep. But how can I sleep when I'm trying to reconcile my support for the rights of trans-women with the thought that maybe it is unfair to allow them to compete as women in the olympics. Ahhh! Go to sleep!
  12. Sorry, only just noticed your response Cerberus. Talking good sense as usual. There's quite a way to go after self-awareness though, and it brings it's own problems. It can be easier to accept the miserable thoughts rather than start a civil war in your own head. If things can be better then I'm a fuckwit who has wasted my life. Easier and safer to keep thinking the same old shit. "Everyone hates you blah blah blah". So no need to ever try, because you're only going to fail anyway. And yes this is bullshit, but that makes me fucked up and unstable for thinking such things and taking them seriously. Rubber banded. Think I'm getting away but "boing!" right back there. Empirical evidence is important. You can tell yourself that you're a wonderful and intelligent person but where's the evidence? Still alone. Still hate being alone but also afraid of the alternative. I was making progress before Covid happened. Providing evidence that I really am human and can get along with my fellow apes. People are OK, and they don't seem to agree with your miserable, self-loathing appraisal of yourself. I guess the evidence has dried up, for obvious reasons. Gone a bit numb. And that's not good.
  13. That pretty much describes 'scouse'. People from Liverpool are named after that dish and it used to be an insult, but now they own it and are proud to be scousers. Never had it myself but wikipedia describes the recipe as "fairly broad, it was traditionally made from leftovers and whatever was in season at the time." Which isn't much of a recipe. Throw any old shit into a pan and you've got scouse. Of yes I meant the WWE type of thing. Shaved men in tight pants. Too homoerotic for me. Gay porn for the inhibited. Just watch some gay porn! They're being far nicer to each other in those films instead of pretending to hurt each other. I used to do some martial arts training many years ago. Got to orange belt. I didn't really have the killer instinct. Plus I started sprouting facial hair around that time and could get served in pubs. Bit of a dilemma. I went with Oliver Reed rather than Bruce Lee.
  14. Other methods to take out the aggression you feel towards yourself? Exercise can be good. A healthy way to make yourself hurt, as long as you don't get carried away. It can help a bit. Speaking from experience.
  15. Mothers day. Where my brother asks me to chip in for some flowers and we all pretend that she's not a destructive bitch who we can't stand. No strong supportive bond there. I don't know if that sounds cold to other people. You have to love your mother don't you? Yeah thanks for squeezing me out of your vagina and all but it all went downhill from there. You're supposed to respect your parents for bringing you into the world. Like they fucked for your benefit. They weren't thinking of you when you were conceived. My parents were just rubbish but I've heard this argument from people who have been physically abused. "I brought you in to this world". You want a round of applause for having sex, like you were going to fucking do anyway? Thanks for not resisting the natural urge which has led to the procreation of our species over thousands of years, and which millions of people have also done. So fuck that! I remember someone talking about how his father hit him. He brought them into this world and blah blah blah. Like jizzing makes you a father. Oh what a sacrifice you made! And I want to kick the shit out of someone who does such things to their kids. You aren't a mother or a father just because you had sex and procreated. There's more to it and mine failed. So I ended up an emotionally damaged human being. Can't trust a mother's love then who can you trust? Never trust anyone. Especially yourself.
  16. The maybe naive hope that life will eventually make sense and stop hurting.
  17. Was that league or union rules? Don't know the difference between the two so answer however you want. It was rugby league, they were all riding hippos. Oh is that the difference? I thought it was something to do with scrums or something like that. Scrums, for those who are unaware of the term, are an opportunity for beefy heterosexual men to touch each other, or something. Talking of repressed homosexuality, wrestling. If it's not a real sport (which it isn't) then what is it? I think of it as a form of violent ballet for rednecks who are stuck in the closet. I want to see big sweaty oiled up men rolling around and pretending to fight! Hulk Hogan is a gay icon with that tash. We have big rivalries between football teams, most of which are owned by a rich foreigner and have mostly foreign born players. Not that it would make any difference to me if they were all local, would just make that 'we' sound a little less tenuous. I don't even give a shit about the Olympics. That's where nations of the world compete every four years in order to prove their genetic superiority or something like that. And they're against the use of drugs? Let them use drugs. That'll make it interesting. The 100 metres is just a bunch of people running in a straight line. Get the Russian runner so pumped full of drugs that he breaks the sound barrier and goes back in time after he crosses the finish line and nearly fucks his own mother 25 years in the past (Back to the Future reference there).
  18. Self-acceptance. I find that impossible. I'm usually running away from myself because I don't want this shit. It doesn't work though. And if you can't accept yourself then why would anyone else want anything to do with you? This sounds self-pitying already. That's something which can make it difficult to talk. Not trying to sound dramatic. Shitty thoughts like this are my version of normal. I don't think I've ever experienced being normal and mentally healthy. But that sounds fucking dramatic doesn't it? Poor me. But that's not what I intend to get across. And that "poor me" is what I mean. I don't want to sound tragic or anything, but it's my normal. I'm not making any sense am I?
  19. I hope that everyone else got that Hitchhiker's Guide reference because it was very good. I like you already. Hello fellow nutter!
  20. Maybe it's nothing to do with men and women. People can just be terrible to each other irrespective of genitalia. For you it's fingernails, for me it was often sport. Pointless crap which I tried to care about for the sake of fitting in. I don't fucking care though. We lost! We won! Who is this "we" you're talking about? But men have to care about sports. Not a girly girl. Ha! Fair enough. Who gives a flying fuck about fingernails anyway? I don't know if I'm a manly man. I don't care about sports and I don't know what a carburetor is. What sort of man am I? But like I've said, masculinity can be ridiculous anyway. I guess femininity can be equally dumb. The things some women do to their bodies in pursuit of beauty. High heels. God they look uncomfortable. Wear something more practical and comfortable! But when women do such things it's not to please men, it's more often about competing with other women. I've talked about cankles before. I thought that was a joke at first. Women are worried that their ankles are too fat? Seriously? And men do objectivise women, and that's a problem. But I'm certain that men didn't invent the concept of cankles.
  21. Depends on the book. I have read The Da Vinci Code, and that's not great literature. And then the man said something and did something. Something to do with the Catholic church I think. You mean the Catholic church may be a force for evil. Yeah no fucking shit. But then there's great novelists like Dostoevsky and Kafka. You get inside someone's head reading their work. Shakespeare. Always so much to absorb. I'm probably sounding like some wanky intellectual creaming over books. I like reading. Might be better than having friends. I wouldn't know. Don't end up like me. Ha!
  22. That's a surprisingly common thing I've heard from women. I thought you were the gentler sex 😁. Someone once said that a misogynist is a man who hates women as much as women hate each other. Is that really true? Men do seem to be more simple in their relationships. Physical punishment is much simpler than the psychological torture women inflict on each other. Is it really that bad? Is everything I've just said bullshit? You're tender creatures aren't you? You like flowers and kittens and shit like that. I know that's all bullshit. I'm talking crap. I've found more in common with women than I have with men. Fucking masculinity.
  23. Nah. Still early days in my course. I've just completed year 0, because it's a degree course for those not following the standard route and there's an extra year tagged on. I think I know what you mean though. The sort of unconscious bias which is shown through reaction times to stimuli or something like that. Or I may be thinking of something completely different. One thing which bothered be while researching this topic was reading about benevolent and hostile sexism. I'm not a hostile sexist, but am I guilty of benevolent sexism? I think I have commented somewhere that women tend to be nicer human beings than men, and they are aren't they? Name your top three arseholes who you'd put against the wall if you were king or queen. Probably all men. Not that every man is like that, but I'm not proud to share the same genitalia sometimes. But doesn't that lead to a view of women as being the "gentler sex"? Am I a benevolent sexist? Maybe I should try to behave worse towards women in order to not be sexist. I'm not going to do that. I'm talking shit and this is an intellectual brain fart. Don't overthink things. I could go on but I'll shut up now.
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