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Fluent In Silence

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Everything posted by Fluent In Silence

  1. I sometimes like to pretend that I'm not mentally ill. "Nothing wrong with me chief!" Denial. It's not normal to ... erm ... well it's not normal to want to kill yourself so often and over the slightest thing. I'm not a dramatic person or anything. Should one kill one's self? Having a sense of humour I'd like to kill myself in a funny way. Dress up as Superman and leap from a tall building. But you can't fly and you might hurt someone on the way down. Sorry. Weird and depressing thoughts there.
  2. Things are going OK, mostly. I was trying to explain to my counselor why this makes sad. The idea that things can actually work out means that I've wasted much of my life. You didn't need to be so fucking lonely for so fucking long. Oh I could've been happy all along if I'd just worn a smile on my face and stopped thinking that life is worthless and I should kill myself. Silly me. Can life be better? I hope so. Hugs and unicorns! But the more I think this the more the negative part of my brain kicks in. Happiness is for other people and not for the likes of you fuckface. My degree course has started online. I'm worried about sounding like a fucking know-it-all but I also think I'm a fucking idiot. Did you know that B.H. Skinner's first name was Burrhus? What sort of fucking name is that? But that's not important. Learning about operant conditioning is important. But fucking Burrhus! I have questions. You'll never hear that name in Hollywood movies. "I love you Burrhus", "Save me Burrhus!". I'm not sure how to pronounce it. Buh - hus probably, but said quickly it's also the noise you make when you're going to vomit, which changes things. "I love you Burrhus!" Burrhus ends up getting Jackson Pollacked and wondering if he can forgive her. Love and vomit. I honestly don't set out to talk about such things. I just sort of meander over there and then wonder how the fuck I got here. Hurray for alcohol!
  3. Over 30 years old and still depressingly relevant. "We blame her for being there. We are all here, and we are all guilty." "We sit back like they taught us". I try not to sit back and I call people out for their misogynistic bullshit these days. I think men do need to stand up and say that this shit isn't OK. I'm coming across all social justice warrior again. I was talking about boobs and anal sex in my blog but I was doing it respectfully. Nah, I come out with some obscene shit but I hope I don't seem like an arsehole. "We blame her for being there". Such a damn powerful lyric. 1989 and still the same shit.
  4. I'm a fucking piece of shit and I deserve to die. Ah stop it! This will pass.
  5. Anyone speak French? No I understand enough Spanish to read that. "Who are you going to vote for this year?" You can probably guess who the pendejo is and what it means.
  6. That is cool though. Bet the gawkers were shouting "Fight! Fight! Fight!" Yeah entertain us. Used to do that at my school anyway. Isn't watching someone get hurt fun? Not really no. I remember watching this strange anime about a couple of samurai. One of the characters said something like "I won't fight you. It doesn't interest me." That seemed so much damn cooler than fighting him. I guess that might be more humiliating than kicking the crap out of him but violence is absurd. Never been in a fight either. People who call other people snowflakes tend to be incredibly sensitive while accusing everyone else of being too sensitive. Just today I saw a comment on YouTube which went something like "You can't say anything these days because snowflakes are too easily offended, meanwhile feminists are dressing up as vaginas." Pffft! What the fuck? Those snowflake are too sensitive but he's seems to be offended by feminists dressing up as vaginas. I don't recall seeing such a thing and if I have then it didn't offend me or seem at all memorable. I mean what the fuck? So snowflakes are easily offended by the wrong things? But they should be offended by feminists dressed as vaginas? Why? I can be annoyingly right on and liberal but I wouldn't say I'm a snowflake. I don't think people shouldn't say something because it offends my tender sensibility, I think some people should shut the fuck up because they're talking ignorant bullshit.
  7. HR maybe? Sugar I probably don't need to say this but ignore everything I said, unless you want to get fired in which case go for it.
  8. Your manager wants you to tell those stupid, selfish fuckwits how they make you feel? Could be problematic but you'll just be following your manager's instructions. "Hi! I feel like you didn't pay enough attention in school and you're endangering people because you're too stupid to understand. I feel like impaling you up the arse with a two metre stick so that you'll at least maintain social distance. I feel that your father should've pulled out instead of inflicting such a fucktard as yourself onto the world. My manager told me to say how it makes me feel so if you have a problem you should take it up with them."
  9. Maybe I'm a bad person but I really hoped the fucker would die (thoughts and prayers) and was disappointed when he didn't. Woke up every morning like a kid on Christmas day, checking the news in the hope that Santa had delivered a big orange corpse. Yeah maybe that's wrong and it would be better if he was defeated by the democratic process. His stupidity has caused the deaths of thousands, who were better people than this orange fucking lard bucket so fuck him.
  10. Overstimulated maybe? Started uni lectures online this week. Going OK. Maybe I should kill myself? Wait what? Oh Brain! You ruin everything. It's quite a big commitment though, and believing that in a few years I'll have a Psychology degree and not be a complete fuck up takes some effort. I'm going to be successful, my life is going to finally work out and I'll be happy. Still easier to picture my lifeless corpse being washed out to sea. I don't really believe that my life can work out well, though I'm hoping to prove myself wrong. So I'm pretty up and down at the moment.
  11. I'm watching Mindhunter on Netflix at the moment, which is very good. I do wonder how a woman would feel watching this though. It concerns serial killers who have generally done some evil shit to women. It's well made and I find it interesting, but then I'm a man and I don't really worry about some psycho wanting to take out his fucked up relationship with his mother out on me. The show isn't misogynistic or anything, just makes me think how shit it can be to be a woman. Not shit to be a woman exactly, more how men can be fucking awful to women. I don't know how much women feel this everyday, maybe not at all or maybe it's constantly looming. But despite my fears and anxieties I'm not at all afraid of what someone might do to me physically. Women I've met here and elsewhere have been through some shit, and the #metoo movement woke me up to this crap. God! I had a shit and uncaring mother too, and I haven't exactly been a playa when it comes to the opposite gender. I'm not angry at women. Wish I'd slept with a lot more of them but they're just human beings too. Not exactly a controversial opinion there but some men don't seem to get it. Men aren't from Mars and Women aren't from Venus, we're all from planet Earth of course. Incels and other misogynists are from another fucking planet, which I hope is full of AIDS. Hopefully I don't sound like a "woke" virtue signalling piece of shit. Dunno, just find women interesting as human beings even if they don't want to sleep with me. They generally don't but I tend to get on better with women than I do with men anyway. I see the shit some men do to women and want to kick the crap out of the arseholes who did that (such a manly response?). There's no "us" because we have the same genitalia. Same with skin colour. Seeing people as human beings shouldn't be difficult, and maybe never quite feeling like part of the human race is why I don't feel able to kick someone out of a club which I'm not sure I belong to. Egads! That was tedious wasn't it? I didn't mean to go on for so long. Maybe should delete this. Eenie meenie miney mo. Fuck it.
  12. I really don't get Jordan Peterson. What a great intellectual 😛. I watched the documentary about him hoping to get some idea of his appeal. He talks about some interesting topics, but badly and smugly. I don't see the point of him.
  13. "The Person and the Situation: Perspectives of Social Psychology" by Lee Ross and Richard E. Nisbett. Also working my way through "Statistics for Psychology: A Guide for Beginners". Which don't sound especially thrilling but I'm now a student and I do find psychology fascinating. Statistics somewhat less so, though I do realise how important they are and I think I understand what a standard deviation is. But I did recently read "Let Me Not Be Mad: A Story of Unravelling Minds" by A.K. Benjamin, which is a pseudonym, as he admits at the start. Hard to define this book. I thought it would be some case studies by a neuropsychologist, which is what he claims to be and how the book starts out. It becomes increasingly clear that it's himself that he hopes isn't mad. There's a bit of a plot twist, which you'll probably see coming, and he does sometimes "overwrite", if that makes any sense (less is sometimes more). Interesting and disturbing book though. Don't know if it's autobiography or fiction. If there's any difference between the two (something he mentions).
  14. I hope whoever did that to you is in prison picking up the soap, and maybe gaining some understanding of what it is they did. He probably isn't though, given the statistics. I haven't experienced anything like that, and I can only say some meaningless words which hopefully sound sympathetic but probably aren't enough. Destroying feelings though, now that is something I understand. It's generally the good feelings too. I'm maybe not as bad as I used to be but when someone liked me it used to make me feel awful. They don't like me because I'm shit and they're lying or they're going to let me down in some way. I mean I was lonely as fuck but anyone trying to talk to me made me feel depressed and full of self loathing. Try to kill all desire for human interaction. People are shit and I don't care. Yay misanthropy! Probably my upbringing, turned me into the ol' proverbial hedgehog - afraid of getting close for fear of being hurt or of hurting another hedgehog. I don't want to be as mistrustful and cold and lacking in affection as my parents were, but I've still often tried to kill any sort of feeling for people, because they'll only let you down and you don't deserve affection anyway. I know it's not quite the same thing. Although it is in some ways. Something which should be good has become shit and frightening due to what you've been through.
  15. You wonder what happened to some names. B.F. Skinner's first name was Burrhus. What? Was he named by someone with a speech impediment? But one of my favorite things is the name of the year competition. I mean Katie Smrcka-Duffy Fudd, Beanbag Amerika, Dr. Reason Machete. These are all real people, and nobody I've shown this competition to has quite shared my enthusiasm.
  16. Nah! With chopsticks. No, but I don't think peas would be worth bothering with if you made them too easy to eat. They don't taste especially great but they at least provide some entertainment. Got some one my fork. OK, slowly lift. Slowly, slowly. Nearly there. AH FUCK!
  17. That is interesting. I'm very much a verbal thinker and have a voice in my head which won't shut up. It's also how I experience depression, with that voice telling me all sorts of miserable shit. Trying to deal with depression has usually involved trying to get that voice to shut the fuck up. I think most people do have an inner voice, though I have heard other people say that they don't. I wonder how depression is experienced visually? Same shit different medium I suppose.
  18. Watching videos of little girls on YouTube. OK, that requires some explanation. Oh just watch the video. She's fucking awesome, and Dave Grohl responded to her challenge. She's so good, and she looks so happy, that it's hard not to break a smile. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRvHI8tgx8A
  19. Ha! True. Though those do sound like words which have a definition on Urban Dictionary. I don't like etiquette. In terms of eating implements it's usually some bullshit rule which was made up by the aristocracy because they thought that having more types of knives and forks differentiated them from the masses and somehow justified their undeserved wealth and position in society. A Marxist analysis of cutlery there. One rule which pissed me off as a kid was "elbows off the table". Why? "Because it's rude." Why? It just is or some such unconvincing shit. It's harder for children to keep their elbows off the table because they're smaller, and possibly the extra leverage makes it easier to eat. What sort of arsehole gives a flying fuck if children put their elbows on the table? "So rude! I'm so offended right now." Oh that offends you? That's not offensive, this is offensive (the old Crocodile Dundee) you stupid c ... The oddest thing about how Americans eat is how I've failed to notice it until now. Probably thousands of hours of watching American films and TV, in some of which they must've been eating, and I never realised. Probably because it's not generally crucial to the story line. It would be strange if it was.
  20. As much as I'd hate to have lots of people here I'm still surprised that this forum isn't more popular. Been on a few mental health forums (got kicked off one because some people have no sense of humour) and this is a good place.
  21. Yes you can. I'm trying to imagine Apocalypse Now with garbage men. "Never get off the truck, unless you're going all the way". "I love the smell of garbage in the morning".
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