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ReincarnatedCow

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  1. Ive never been in a mixed episode before and I'm starting to believe I might be in one as I write this today.  Im morbidly depressed but at the same time I can go to work and have a great time and really enjoy my time there as well as hanging out with my friend outside of work.  Even with the good moods at work I keep finding myself discovering new was I could kill myself whether it be extreme or the opposite.  When I'm alone I truly want to die and its the only thing I wish for although I would never actually kill myself it honestly makes me upset knowing that I won't because the sweet release sounds amazing.  I don't know what to do or how to navigate this,  I don't really have anyone to talk to besides my one true friend but Im also starting to realize I've become a huge burden and I'm overwhelmed with guilt and uselessness.  I see my therapist once every other week and would love to meet with her more often but I simply can't afford that.  I used to have multiple friends and others where I could go and talk to about damn near anything but now I feel so lost and I can't seem to comprehend any thought that enters my mind and its driving me insane.

    1. MiaB

      MiaB

      I am sorry that you are experiencing this.   I understand from what you have posted previously that you are not in favour of medication.  This is your choice, but I must in all honesty say that if things are going this badly, you may be reaching a point at which you need to start exploring this area.  At the very least, is your therapist aware of your current state of mind?  You said elsewhere that she was willing to work within your boundaries - do you have some kind of therapeutic plan in place?  Another thought might be a support group - have you perhaps looked into that?

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