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About echolocation

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    boy handsome

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    painting/drawing (watercolour and inks), comics, writing (poetry and short stories), accounting

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  1. i have a similar problem around obsessing over unpleasant past experiences, or even normal past experiences that i retroactively decided left a bad taste in my mouth. my doctor referred to it as ruminating, and said it was obsessive in nature. low dose risperidone shut it down for me. shaking my head sometimes breaks the spiral. scratching my skin also works, but i try to do that less. i understand what you mean by feeling compulsive, but having some amount of control over it. it falls into a grey area of anxious and obsessive behaviour. a "true" compulsion usually has a fear behind it (ie, if i dont check my oven before i leave, my house will burn down). what you're doing is a reaction to a bad thought, but it doesnt sound like you fear a consequence for not doing it. if you're on meds or looking to be on meds, ask about trying something used to treat ocd. what i've found is that while i don't have classic ocd, whatever i do have going on responds to ocd meds.
  2. whenever anything changes i have a breakdown. now i have a new task at work tomorrow and i've been upset and teary all evening. this brain is defective, i'd like a new one.
  3. i forgot about this thread. i'm doing better. don't know if the clomipramine increase started doing it's thing finally, but i'm feeling a lot more stable. i think i was dealing with stress (probably related to whether or not i should continue my schooling) by self harming. the infection in my cuticle got quite ugly, but i managed to leave it alone long enough that it dried out and healed up. realizing that this is actually self harm helped me quit doing it. also it was really getting painful to walk, and i was worried about making it through a work day. i started wearing slipper socks tucked into tight pants to make it harder to get to my feet unconsciously. i also told my mom it was getting bad, and she helped me keep away from them. i think tdoc and i talked about this, but honestly i don't remember what conclusion we came to. wait, let me check my notes app. wait, i think we actually didn't talk about it, or not much, anyway, because my dog died two days later and that was more pressing. i think part of the reason the skin picking has gotten worse is that cutting doesn't work for me anymore. i've been clean for a while now, save a slip up a few months ago that confirmed that it doesn't do shit for me now. i still itch for that escape sometimes, though, and i think i went to skin picking for that. guess i have to cope like they tell you to do in self-care guides. thanks for your concern, guys.
  4. my approach is to try and wait out the situation, and if the symptoms persist, change the meds. i think Blahblah and Fluent are right on with the thought that the two are tangled and often inseparable.
  5. sativa makes me stiff and twitchy. i can only smoke indica. taking two days off sounds like a good plan in your journey to isolate what's causing what. do you like baths? soaking in some epson salts might help with the muscle aches. hot shower helps too. i know "breathe deeply" is like the oldest advice in the book, but when i get anxious to the point of freezing in place, i breathe very shallowly. being a bit more mindful about breathing helps me a little bit. if i were you, i'd also want to investigate the risperidone. i've always found low dose risperidone to be pretty calming. i wonder if it's more activating at a higher dose?
  6. Three Days Grace's 2015 album "human". i thought i wouldn't like any of their work after the first lead singer left, but i realized that the guy who replaced him is from My Darkest Days, whom i also like. i read what their names are but i'm shit with stuff like that. so it's just the first guy and the second guy. anyway. good album.
  7. my problem with virtual/phone appointments is that i tend to hide and won't talk about the real issues. i just get nervous and say everything is okay. i need in person appointments so my tdoc/pdoc can read my body language too. i assume by your wording that you're looking for a psychiatrist, not a therapist? i've been able to go back to in-person appointments with my tdoc (thank god), but pdoc for me has been phone-only since march. i've botched several appointments with pdoc by just getting tongue tied and afraid to speak up for myself. i hope you're able to find adequate care soon.
  8. i have a lot of imaginary arguments in my head, often at work. i always imagine what would happen if a customer came up and said [something rude] and what i would say back, and how i would totally shut them down and prove my point flawlessly. i tend to think it's a kind of rumination -- maybe to make up for all the conversations i've had with people where i didn't call out bullshit comments. sometimes it really ruffles my feathers, other times it's just background brain noise. i wouldn't say i'm a particularly angry person, but i can be irritable, especially if i feel i've been slighted somehow. i know i'm quick to feel outraged. if someone has been rude to me or i've been in a situation that wasn't fair/right, i can talk myself into a frenzy about it. at some point you just have to breathe and let it go. this is an aside, but i have this fear too. it makes it hard to write concise posts.
  9. without going into any gory details, i can't stop hurting my feet. i have been engaging in skin-picking that has quite apparently crossed the border between nervous habit and self harm. walking is painful right now. not unbearable, but painful. i went to clean out a small infection in a cuticle and left having made more damage. i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me or why i can't seem to stop. i'm not usually distressed with my skin-picking, but i am now. this is absolutely self harm. i don't know what's changed and why it's become more severe. i have this compulsive need to "clean it up", which never stop at just cleaning and always results in more injury. my feet hurt. they look awful. i'm ashamed of what i've done and i'm really sick of this shit. i see tdoc monday. i will bring this up. i see pdoc nov. 17. when i saw her six weeks ago, we bumped my clomipramine up from 120 mg to 150 mg in the hopes that it might help the skin-picking, which i remember was just ramping up at the time. it's gotten much worse. my feet haven't been like this since i was in university (a very bad time all around for me). the last few weeks have been stressful. maybe more stressful than i thought. looking for support right now i guess. i'm behaving badly and i'm frustrated with myself.
  10. just wanted to update to say i finished the doll, mistakes and all. it was a learning process, both in terms of patience and my crocheting ability. i've started a new one using the same pattern and i'm having a lot of fun doing it! i wanted to say thank you again for encouraging me. perfectionism makes it hard for me to finish projects, so it's a big deal for me when i manage it. you guys rule.
  11. oh, i guess i should have looked at your signature. d'oh!
  12. any of the z-drugs a possibility besides ambien? eszopiclone?
  13. my dog micha (1.5 yrs) can be huffy when she's on leash and sees another dog say while we're walking, but off leash in a dog park, she's just fine with other dogs. she's pretty good now, but when she was younger, we pretty much just tried to move her along and give lots of treats. lots of praise when we go by a dog without any huffing or barking. she also hates men with beards, for some reason, which is weird because we've had her since she was a puppy, and she's never had a bad experience with a man with a beard. my only guess is that she just thinks they're weird and scary. she's definitely territorial about her yard, though. when people come to the door, when cats are at the fence, when the neighbours have strangers over... bark bark bark! standing outside with her seems to help, and when it's a person she's barking at, introductions make a big difference. she's fine when people come into the yard, though. she just sniffs and then keeps her distance. all bark, no bite. we try to be really fast to scold her when the barking starts, and we haul her inside pretty quickly. the other thing that's super important, as i'm sure you know, is keeping a routine. right now the dogs are pretty used to being alone through the morning while my mom and i are working, and in the afternoon when i get home we have some quiet time, then dinner, and then we HAVE to either walk or go to the dog park. they totally run on rails and go nuts right around 6:00 or so. have you tried a prong collar with agis? we've found it pretty effective for controlling micha when she wants to lunge and for moving her along when she wants to tango with passing dogs. it's also the only thing that controls her pulling on leash (my personal dog training failure). sorry, i don't really have a lot of advice. mostly just commiserating about my mediocre training.
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