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About echolocation

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    boy handsome

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    painting/drawing (watercolour and inks), comics, writing (poetry and short stories), accounting

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  1. i've gotten weird dreams on most of the antidepressants i've been on. i try to just enjoy them, but once in a while they're sort of fucked up.
  2. i got lactation on 0.75 mg, despite my pdoc saying that probably wouldn't happen on such a low dose. alas. i didn't notice any breast growth (am female), but i know others here have experienced it. my recommendation would be to play with your nips from time to time.
  3. i offer this rhyme my parents told me when i was a kid to settle the peas question: i eat my peas with honey i've done it all my life it makes the peas taste funny but it keeps them on my knife
  4. anyone doing inner child work, or has done it in the past? i've felt like an adult since as far back as i can remember. there was a lot of pressure on me to be mature, smart and serious, and to take care of my sister. i didn't get a lot of time to be childish and just play, since a lot of my play time also involved looking after my sister and keeping her happy. so it was work too. tdoc and i have done inner child stuff on and off for the last year or so (or, at least, we've identified that it's an area that definitely needs attention) and we're beginning to lean a bit heavier into it. it's painful work. we were doing EMDR last appointment and i suddenly just got an image in my head of me at five years old or so, and for some reason that image just ruined me. i don't know why. for the last week or so, i've had an image in my head of current, adult-me carrying a sleeping child-me, as one would carry a kid to bed after falling asleep in the car ride home. i didn't expect drawing that image to be so upsetting. it took a couple tries and i'm still not quite happy with it, but it feels important that i've managed to draw it. i think i'll show it to tdoc, though that scares me. anyway. if you have any experience or thoughts about inner child work in therapy, please share. i'd love to be able to talk to someone who's done some of this. it's not fun work, that's for sure.
  5. your symptoms sounds somewhat similar to mine. i took risperidone at 0.25 - 0.75 mg along with 225 mg effexor for a couple years. risperidone was mostly for obsessive/racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts and anxiety. it improved my mood in that it cleared my head and allowed me to concentrate, which in turn helped me feel better. i did find it subtle, and often found myself wondering if taking such a small dose had any effect at all. it definitely gave me a "suit of armour", if you will, as i found that when i had to go off of it (started lactating) i felt very exposed, anxious and scared. it helped things roll off my back. without it, everything stung and i ruminated on things anxiously. i liked risperidone a lot and still take .25 mg PRN when my head gets busy. now i'm on clomipramine, which has been good for me for obsessive stuff and mood.
  6. i think i read somewhere that the person who created spoon theory did so in a restaurant/cafe while trying to explain to a friend the waxing and waning of energy when you are chronically ill. the unit of measurement became spoons because that's what was readily available in the moment to help visualize the concept.
  7. that's unfortunate. clomipramine has been mildly sedating for me, and ultimately helped my sleep issues. i had a problem where i would get this anxious agitation right at bedtime and compulsively pick at my skin. raising the dose put that to an end, and my pdoc prescribed zopiclone for breakthrough episodes. might be worth bringing up with your pdoc? see if they have any ideas about combating the insomnia? sleep deprivation is a nightmare. i understand your hesitation completely.
  8. it's been a wonderful med for me. my intrusive thoughts are well controlled, my anxiety is gone, and my mood is level. i went up quite slowly and sat at 80 mg for a while before my pdoc and i decided it wasn't quite enough. side effects-wise, i had a bit of a tremor in my hands when i first got to my current dose of 120 mg, but it seems to have eased off. i also have mild dry mouth that i manage by sipping water through the day. no weight gain -- i've lost some, actually. risperidone is still my ultimate head silencer. i had to discontinue it when it induced lactation, but i still take .25 mg when my thoughts get loud.
  9. is that the same as EMDR? that's what i do with my tdoc, have been at it for over a year now. i don't have a PTSD dx, complex or otherwise, but i have a personality disorder that primarily stems from an unhappy/traumatic childhood. so, my trauma is spread over years, not in clear episodes. EMDR has been really useful for me in processing a lot of anger i had about my childhood. i'm much more at peace with it now. it's also been helpful for me in explaining where a lot of my disordered/distorted thoughts and beliefs come from. i'm seeing very slow change in replacing my negative beliefs with positive ones, but there has been some progress. lots of people find EMDR very heavy, so be aware of that. i've had some difficult sessions, but generally i walk out of therapy feeling empty in a good way, like a decompressed sort of way. if you're prone to dissociation, EMDR can trigger that as well. there's usually a grounding period at the end of a session to bring you back to earth. there's also a decent amount of visualization exercises, so if you struggle with that at all (i do at times), sometimes it can seem a little woo-woo. also inner child work has been a big part of it for me, which i am more receptive to than visualization. i do therapy every two weeks, and we don't do EMDR every time. sometimes i just need to talk about other stuff going on in my life/head. i think EMDR maybe works better the more often you do it (my therapist wanted to see me every week, but financially and logistically i couldn't swing it), but it works just fine for me at this pace. i'd write more, but my brain is a bit mush tonight. i'm happy to share my experience some more if you have any specific questions.
  10. i hope pdoc is helpful, jarn. living with that ball of anger isn't sustainable. fingers crossed that you find some relief soon.
  11. 2015-2018ish was a time of severe and horrible depression and anxiety for me. i was passively suicidal a lot of the time and came pretty close to hospitalization at one point. a lot of my memory from that time is foggy and unspecific. that depressive episode was completely life changing for me. it intercepted with (or was exacerbated by) me graduating from high school and starting university. as a result, going back to school terrifies me. not because of the work, or the classes, or the tests -- it's because i don't want to go back to a place where i was so afraid and miserable and self-loathing. i don't want to feel that way again. even now that i'm better than i used to be, i'm still trying to work on seeing myself as a person with value. i'm still trying to figure out what makes me happy. when i was really deep in the pit, i used to walk to this highway overpass near where i lived and look over it into the traffic. i would watch the cars go by and think about jumping. i'd stand on the rails to imagine what it would feel like to go through with it. i know a lot of us have been in a similar place here, but i think we can all agree, it's a horrible place to be. it's awful to constantly be looking for ways to off yourself. i don't do that anymore, but it's stuck with me. i just look back on it and it's striking and awful to remember how fucked up i felt. i think self harm is traumatic too. it doesn't really leave you, even when you haven't done it for months or years. your brain just does not forget the feeling of doing it, or the sight of seeing it. and yeah, the shame afterwards when all you have is scars is amazingly powerful. i don't think that ever really goes away either.
  12. EDs are illnesses, that in my understanding, often come about as a way of coping with turmoil, internal or external. like any other MI, it can remit and relapse, particularly when your mind has been shocked by recent unpleasant events. it seems completely understandable to me that stressful circumstances are causing you to go back to old ways of coping, the same way someone who self-harmed as a teen might pick it back up as an adult when under severe stress. i would speculate that the relapse of your ED symptoms might be a way of trying to harness some control in your life as a reaction to several bad events in close succession that were beyond your control. whether you're concerned at the moment about controlling your symptoms or not, it's important for your doctor to know that they have come back, and it's especially important for her to know that the amount of stress you've been subjected to is wreaking havoc on your brain. ED aside, bipolar can also be quite reactive to stress, and she should know to keep an eye on you for symptoms of that rearing their head. in addition, she might be able to suggest a temporary med change to help you manage the stress. it sounds like the last few weeks have really been a nightmare for you. i hope your life is quieter now, and that you're able to take some time to relax and heal.
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