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echolocation

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About echolocation

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    boy handsome

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  • Gender
    non-binary
  • Location
    Canada
  • Interests
    painting/drawing (watercolour and inks), comics, writing (poetry and short stories), accounting

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  1. i did a yoga practice for the first time in like, a year and a half. i've definitely lost some flexibility. it was good, though. i remember all the things i liked and disliked about it. i'd like to start doing it more regularly again.
  2. i've talked about clomipramine in another one of your threads, i think, but clomipramine is the most effective AD i've tried. it nukes my anxiety, racing thoughts and intrusive thoughts and gives me a bit of a higher baseline for my mood to boot. i was on an AD + AAP combo before and was pleasantly surprised to find that clomipramine covers all my symptoms on its own. i have noticed side effects (dry mouth and a slight tremor in my hands), but honestly, they're not worse than the dizziness and sedation i had on venlafaxine, or the agitation i got on sertraline, or the fogginess escitalopram gave me. also, for me personally, taking a TCA has had less side effects than the other second-line option i tried, which was SSRI + atypical antipsychotic. so, do TCAs have more side effects? compared to taking an SSRI by itself, yes, but in a choice between a TCA or an SSRI + augmenting medication, maybe not. i also know that my dad took a TCA (amitriptyline) for MDD for most of his adult life, and did not respond well to SSRIs when doctors tried to get him off the TCA. i don't think doctors should shun their usage, but i think i agree with them being a second-line option. being mentally ill often ends up being a choice between symptoms or side effects, and if there are effective meds with lighter side effect profiles (like SSRIs), then they should be the first option. that said, i don't think a patient should be made to fail most or all SSRIs before it's presented as an option. from reading here, i've gathered that SSRIs as a class just plain do not work for some people.
  3. you know, i haven't thought about this in a while, but i did used to experience that a lot a few years ago -- songs or words or phrases on loop, endlessly. it happened through the day, but trying to get to sleep used to make my brain exceptionally noisy. i couldn't turn off the noise. it was like trying to get to sleep while there was a party in the next room, but i couldn't even yell at anyone to turn off the music. i hardly ever get this now. in fact, i rarely have songs stuck in my head for more than an hour or so. my brain is much, much quieter these days. when i first started on meds, risperidone was the first thing that really helped. i remember being able to concentrate so much better because there wasn't so much internal noise. i'm on clomipramine now and it also works very well for me in this regard.
  4. your whole reply rings true for me, but i think you're right on the nail here. there is definitely an element of controlling the amount of change that happens around me. with movies and stuff that i'm already familiar with, there is no change to be feared. everything happens just as i know it will. it's dependable. no surprises, no disappointments. real life is rarely like that. i also ruminate over memories of happy times. i don't know why i do it, but i think you're right in that it's something about change. i think about happy memories and try to relive what i felt in those times. going back to something i'm familiar with that made me feel good is sometimes easier than trying to find something new to make me feel good. i also struggle with feeling i've articulated myself well. i think your reply makes perfect sense, because i relate to it so much. thank you for taking the time to share. oof, if this isn't true. i'd rather do something i'm familiar with, even if i've done it so many times that there's nothing new to gain. there is safety in familiarity, and the price you pay is boredom. i do get bored of my same music, my same books, my same routines, but curiosity and fear are so intertwined for me that it takes a great deal of boredom before i try something new. my tastes evolve, but at a snail's pace. a friend IRL who struggles with self care says sometimes that positive action requires "getting so sick of yourself that you just have to do something about it". it rings true for me from my position, too. i'd never thought of it that way before, but you're totally right. in my mind by doing the same things over and over, i feel that i'm maximizing the amount of enjoyment i get out of my routines by sticking to things i already know i like, but the truth is i'm scared of wasting time on something that isn't as good as what i already do or know. there's nothing logical about it. it's a way to keep myself safe from something i fear. i think i'll write this down somewhere. OCPD loves to dress fear up as logic. i relate to this too. one of the ways this manifests for me is once i discover i like a musical artist, i listen to their entire discography and often research background information on the musicians, the albums, and the individual song meanings. a few times i've also gotten interested in a video game and, though i won't play it myself, i'll watch gamers on youtube play the game, read up on all the plot information, research the background, the concept art, the meaning behind various symbols, etc. yet i will not play the fucking game myself because i might not have fun. it's ridiculous. i struggle with how to address this for the same reason. it's bad, but it's more nebulous and less acutely bad than other shit going on. i don't bug my pdoc with it because i don't feel there's anything she can "do" about it, and she mostly wants to hear about my intrusive thoughts anyway. my tdoc and i mostly work on my chronic feelings of worthlessness and nonexistent ability to recognize my accomplishments, which are, again, more troubling than this. it's bad but other things are worse. so what do you do? i had an ugly phase a couple years ago where i tried to force myself to listen to new music for days on end, and found nothing that i liked. i thought i some sort of failure for not clicking with anything, and then that made me anxious and upset, and that made me mad at myself because why am i getting so worked up over not liking music? so yeah, i get what you mean about it exacerbating everything. it's easier to just live with it. thanks everyone for your replies. it means a lot to me that other people relate to this.
  5. it's time to use whatever coping skills you have at your disposal. i like to try and think of my body as just a vessel, a meat machine that allows me to type and talk and ask people for help. you don't have to love your body or even like it, but you can respect it the same way you respect your car. use it. take minimal care of it. help it when it has problems. your brain works better when it doesn't have to focus on repairing your meat or fighting off bacteria. i hope you are doing okay.
  6. i don't know if this is an OCD thing or an OCPD thing or just a me thing, but i have so much trepidation about trying new things (well, new to me). i only watch movies i've seen before. i only read books that i've read before. i've been listening to the same music (more or less) for a decade. when i find new things that i think i may be interested in, there's this huge hill i have to climb in order to actually try them. i spend more time ruminating about whether it's worth it to try something new and risk disliking the experience than it would take to actually try it. and when i find something i do like, i read/watch/listen to it over and over and over. i know this is just dumb, like the worst that can possibly happen is i waste some time on something i don't like much. but i can't get my head around it. i haven't watched a movie on my own volition for years. i don't watch TV shows unless friends/family force me to. the last new book i tried to read (like, six months ago) i got halfway through and just couldn't pick it back up because of this fear of the book not being worth the time i spent reading it. listening to new music makes me uncomfortable and i can't focus on anything beyond evaluating the music. i'm seeing it happen in my drawings, too -- i keep drawing different portraits of the same people. actually, i think this is coming back to a fear of wasting time, which is a feature of OCPD for me. hmm. anyway. does anyone else have trouble with new stuff? do you reread books or parts of books until the words begin to commit themselves to memory? do you know all the lyrics of almost every song in your library? my real life friends don't seem to relate to this much.
  7. i had increased anhedonia when i started on clomipramine, and not too long after a dose increase i found it eased up quite a lot. clomipramine is a TCA, not an SSRI, but i figured i'd drop my two cents in. if you're experiencing anhedonia as a side effect of a med, it would follow that raising/lowering the dose could have an effect. some ADs can be more stimulating at higher doses, which sometimes helps. i also know low-dose abilify is sometimes used as an adjunct to an AD due to it's energizing effects. what i've gathered from hanging around here is that anhedonia seems to be harder to treat/cure than other depression symptoms, and doesn't tend to resolve itself without psychotropic intervention. what's your daily zoloft dose?
  8. when i was in elementary school kids i knew sang this song that started with "nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess i'll go eat worms". lately i've been feeling a lot like i should go eat worms. what do you know, it's on youtube.
  9. small, lonesome. i saw a friend today. i feel some sort of emptiness now that she's gone home.
  10. hey cat, i don't have any wise words about viibryd, but i hope it helps you. i'm sorry to hear you're feeling so low again. depression is such a heavy burden. i hope you see some lighter days soon.
  11. still listening to after hours. coworker and i are working on making "save your tears" the official anthem of our workplace.
  12. i really loved early south park as a preteen. the later stuff got too political for me, but the irreverent silliness of the first few seasons still makes me laugh. also, i have the "uncle fucker" song from the movie in my head periodically.
  13. i'll bring this same question to my pdoc when i see her next, but i was wondering at what point should you be concerned about tremors. my hands have been shaking since i started taking clomipramine. i notice it most when i'm drawing as my lines have been coming out much more wiggly than they used to. it doesn't bother me much. is this the sort of thing where meds are an option if it becomes bothersome?
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