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About echolocation

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    boy handsome

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    painting/drawing (watercolour and inks), comics, writing (poetry and short stories), accounting

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  1. i lost my childhood dog in october. not cancer, just old age, but she woke up one morning unwell and i could see that it was the end. it's such an intensely painful decision to make. the fact that it needs to be done doesn't make it easier. you're right, though -- he's counting on you to see him through to the end. doing it at home is a good option to have, and allows him a peaceful, kind, and dignified goodbye. take gentle care of yourself. you're not just grieving for a dog, you're grieving for a friend. it hurts like nothing else.
  2. i've heard some studies say we do as little as 3 hours of work per day in an office job environment. i think that's a little low, but i would be surprised if i do more than five, maybe five and a half hours' work in an eight hour day. i certainly notice my concentration going down at about that point.
  3. i still have a video rental store in my town. i think it rents video games too, but other than that i'm not really sure how it gets by.
  4. i feel really uncomfortable right now. inwardly restless. maybe that's anxiety? i'm cold too, despite wearing like three layers, which also usually means anxiety. i went for a drive earlier to see if that would help. i didn't want to sing along to music in the car, which is a bit of personal litmus test for "am i feeling okay". really i want to curl up under a blanket. too late for a nap today, though.
  5. i read something today about a person who raised rats as pets, and when they died, the owner would bury them and then plant flowers above the body. they said the body decomposes and feeds the flower, and in that way, the deceased is with you forever. that's so far the most compelling explanation for burying a pet i've read. i'm still more comfortable with cremation, but that.... it helped, a little. i have the ashes of my dog sitting on a shelf in the living room. i understand holding onto them. i'm listening to a lot of nicole dollanganger. she sings about death and burial in a few of songs off her album observatory mansions. unsure if it's comforting or just picking at a scab. this should probably be in a blog. thank you all for putting up with me while i work through this.
  6. dry mouth, dizziness, wacky/vivid AD dreams, and moderate sedation have all been livable for me. lactation obviously was not, and when abilify trashed my short term memory i discontinued pretty quickly too.
  7. thanks, @CrazyRedhead. it's comforting to think that the spirit releases when the body dies. i'm still trying to get my head around that. i think when the weather gets warmer i'll paint the rock marking his resting place. i had a hysterical crying fit over this shortly after posting last night. my mum asked if i want to dig him up and cremate him, but i don't want to see his body again, and i don't want to disturb him. she suggested the problem isn't actually the burial, but that's the front my brain has chosen to mask whatever i'm actually upset about. you know when you have a horrible day and then something small makes you cry? it's not the small thing that's making you cry, it's everything else. i think the bigger picture here is that i feel powerless over his death. a big part of caring for bearded dragons is keeping them warm, and i can't even keep him warm anymore. i hope that makes sense.
  8. my bearded dragon died yesterday. we buried him in a garden that we named after him years ago due to his fondness for hiding under the plants there, and put a large rock on top of the grave so no animals can dig it up. i know he's dead. i felt the rigor mortis freeze up his body. i touched his eyes and his mouth to see if he would react. he didn't. i know he's gone. i know there's no life there anymore. i still am having a lot of trouble with the idea that he's outside in the cold dirt. i can't get over the fact that his little body is wrapped in a cloth and just... in the ground. like i could go dig him up. it feels wrong that we just put him out there alone in the cold. it doesn't seem like a good fate. i'm definitely having obsessive intrusive sort of thoughts about this, but i don't know how much of that is grief or OCD or just how OCD manifests in grief. but it's horrible to live with. if any of you have anything comforting to say about the practice of burial, i'd really appreciate it. i need to find reasons to feel like this is okay. i've never been to a burial or had to bury pets before. i've only experienced cremation, which to me feels like freeing the soul of the binds of the body. i feel like i've condemned him to the cold, lonely earth.
  9. thanks for the laugh, fluent. once you get out of that miserable headspace it's like "huh. better make lunch." also, good news about the alternator. it got fried at work while (stupidly) trying to jump a much bigger business-owned vehicle, so work reimbursed me the repair. i got a lecture about safety, but the boss was more concerned about the possibility that someone could have gotten hurt more than the cost of the repair. phew! all good now.
  10. i'll take basket weaving. being the world's best tailor probably means people would contact me to commission shit for like, lady gaga's new music video. i think the world's best basket weaver has more anonymity. do you like romance novels?
  11. would way rather fall in public. i hate being cold and i mostly hate showers. does cold weather delight or disgust you?
  12. wishing a happy hanukkah to all those here who celebrate. may you be safe and warm, and may your latkes be crisp.

  13. he wrote a wonderful coming out letter. i can't imagine how stressful it would be to have to come out on an international level. i'm so happy for him, and i hope it brings him joy and fulfillment.
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