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Everything posted by echolocation

  1. i still have a video rental store in my town. i think it rents video games too, but other than that i'm not really sure how it gets by.
  2. i feel really uncomfortable right now. inwardly restless. maybe that's anxiety? i'm cold too, despite wearing like three layers, which also usually means anxiety. i went for a drive earlier to see if that would help. i didn't want to sing along to music in the car, which is a bit of personal litmus test for "am i feeling okay". really i want to curl up under a blanket. too late for a nap today, though.
  3. i read something today about a person who raised rats as pets, and when they died, the owner would bury them and then plant flowers above the body. they said the body decomposes and feeds the flower, and in that way, the deceased is with you forever. that's so far the most compelling explanation for burying a pet i've read. i'm still more comfortable with cremation, but that.... it helped, a little. i have the ashes of my dog sitting on a shelf in the living room. i understand holding onto them. i'm listening to a lot of nicole dollanganger. she sings about death and burial in a few of songs off her album observatory mansions. unsure if it's comforting or just picking at a scab. this should probably be in a blog. thank you all for putting up with me while i work through this.
  4. dry mouth, dizziness, wacky/vivid AD dreams, and moderate sedation have all been livable for me. lactation obviously was not, and when abilify trashed my short term memory i discontinued pretty quickly too.
  5. thanks, @CrazyRedhead. it's comforting to think that the spirit releases when the body dies. i'm still trying to get my head around that. i think when the weather gets warmer i'll paint the rock marking his resting place. i had a hysterical crying fit over this shortly after posting last night. my mum asked if i want to dig him up and cremate him, but i don't want to see his body again, and i don't want to disturb him. she suggested the problem isn't actually the burial, but that's the front my brain has chosen to mask whatever i'm actually upset about. you know when you have a horrible day and then something small makes you cry? it's not the small thing that's making you cry, it's everything else. i think the bigger picture here is that i feel powerless over his death. a big part of caring for bearded dragons is keeping them warm, and i can't even keep him warm anymore. i hope that makes sense.
  6. my bearded dragon died yesterday. we buried him in a garden that we named after him years ago due to his fondness for hiding under the plants there, and put a large rock on top of the grave so no animals can dig it up. i know he's dead. i felt the rigor mortis freeze up his body. i touched his eyes and his mouth to see if he would react. he didn't. i know he's gone. i know there's no life there anymore. i still am having a lot of trouble with the idea that he's outside in the cold dirt. i can't get over the fact that his little body is wrapped in a cloth and just... in the ground. like i could go dig him up. it feels wrong that we just put him out there alone in the cold. it doesn't seem like a good fate. i'm definitely having obsessive intrusive sort of thoughts about this, but i don't know how much of that is grief or OCD or just how OCD manifests in grief. but it's horrible to live with. if any of you have anything comforting to say about the practice of burial, i'd really appreciate it. i need to find reasons to feel like this is okay. i've never been to a burial or had to bury pets before. i've only experienced cremation, which to me feels like freeing the soul of the binds of the body. i feel like i've condemned him to the cold, lonely earth.
  7. thanks for the laugh, fluent. once you get out of that miserable headspace it's like "huh. better make lunch." also, good news about the alternator. it got fried at work while (stupidly) trying to jump a much bigger business-owned vehicle, so work reimbursed me the repair. i got a lecture about safety, but the boss was more concerned about the possibility that someone could have gotten hurt more than the cost of the repair. phew! all good now.
  8. i'll take basket weaving. being the world's best tailor probably means people would contact me to commission shit for like, lady gaga's new music video. i think the world's best basket weaver has more anonymity. do you like romance novels?
  9. would way rather fall in public. i hate being cold and i mostly hate showers. does cold weather delight or disgust you?
  10. wishing a happy hanukkah to all those here who celebrate. may you be safe and warm, and may your latkes be crisp.

  11. he wrote a wonderful coming out letter. i can't imagine how stressful it would be to have to come out on an international level. i'm so happy for him, and i hope it brings him joy and fulfillment.
  12. totally get it about the sleep hygiene stuff. when i lived in residence at university my bed was also my couch, and was three feet away from my desk. sleep hygiene was a joke to me. there's a lot of meds to try as far as improving your sleep goes. i hope you find something that works for you soon. getting good sleep is such a gamechanger for managing mental health.
  13. i was having a wild bout of pissed-off-crying-lost-control kind of anger half an hour ago and instead of breaking plates or my face or shit like that, i had a shower, listened to calm music, and now i'm doing a face mask. i feel okay now. in other news, my car's alternator went kaboom today and now i'm $850 poorer. alas. life goes on, i guess.
  14. have you ever tried describing them to a professional as intrusive thoughts, or asked if they think that's what you're experiencing? sometimes introducing different vocabulary can change the conversation. i'm glad prozac is helping some -- i've never taken it myself but i've heard it's good for obsessive stuff. i'd probably ask for an increase in dosage (depending on how much you're taking) to see if that touched the obsessive thoughts. sorry you get those ugly intrusive thoughts too. they're awful. my brain's favourite scenario is "hey, what if during this very normal interaction with your friend/boss/acquaintance/coworker you said something horribly inappropriate? or grabbed them and [insert assault of choice]." then i think about how IF i did that, what the fallout would be and how would they react and how would i feel and blah blah blah. i get really deep into it in my head and have to make myself remember that none of that has actually happened, and everything is okay. it's really no fun.
  15. i have some trauma in my past that had to do with night/bedtime, which causes agitation at times when i'm getting ready for bed. once in bed sometimes i get what i call "stabbing" intrusive thoughts -- they feel sharp and wake me up because of how alarming/unpleasant they are. i had this very badly 4-5 years ago, and i would become panicky at bedtime because i was afraid of going to sleep. zopiclone works really well for knocking me out, but i can see that's in your signature. does it work at all for you? risperidone at a low dose taken PRN helps me quiet my brain down. repeating a mantra of "i'm safe, i'm warm, i'm quiet" over and over in my head sometimes works to block out intrusive thoughts. diligent breathing exercises have also been useful for me in the past. as a panicky teenager i used to burn incense. i don't remember if it really helped, but i liked it. shoring up your sleep hygiene can't hurt either -- no screens an hour before bed, keep room clean and cool, no caffeine in the evening, all that good stuff. this never helps me as much as medication, but i figured i'd mention it. this is more out there, but is there any chance that the room/environment you sleep in might be activating your fear at all? is sleeping on the couch any more/less scary? i moved bedrooms last year and claimed the guest bedroom as mine. i got a new mattress, new sheets, and painted the room a new colour. it was immediately much more calming for me, and having a new mattress made me look forward to going to bed at night. obviously this isn't easy or cheap, but in the long run it was a wonderful change to me. my old bedroom/bed/surroundings also were tied to the trauma i mentioned earlier, so it was doubly important to me to make a change. oh, also, for ambient noise, myNoise is the best resource i've found. huge library of natural sounds, drones, soundscapes, white noise, and binaural beats, which all can be adjusted with sliders to your preference. i personally like transport/industrial sounds as well and it has a nice selection of that too. you can layer noises too, which i like a lot. good combos for me in the past have been fire sounds + cat purring and heavy rain + laundromat. edit: also wanted to add that journaling in the middle of the night when i can't sleep has been helpful for me in the past. even if the entry is just "can't fuckin sleep i hate this shit", it would help drain some of my endlessly spinning thoughts.
  16. ADs have always made my dreams more vivid. i have silly dreams like this too that feel real until i figure out it was a dream. i agree, just calling it "anxiety" doesn't explain it properly. for me those thoughts are like a deep spiral, where it just gets more chaotic and painful the deeper down you go. what you said makes sense to me. i think mindfulness dictates that one should observe the thoughts and then let them go, but i always feel like i have to do something about them, some sort of reaction. i have sexual intrusive thoughts fairly often, usually around assaulting people i know, and to me, they're too horrible to not react to.. i can't just ignore them, or let them drift by, i have to "get rid" of them, somehow. hence the head shaking and whatnot. if you feel comfortable sharing, what meds are you on right now?
  17. i have a similar problem around obsessing over unpleasant past experiences, or even normal past experiences that i retroactively decided left a bad taste in my mouth. my doctor referred to it as ruminating, and said it was obsessive in nature. low dose risperidone shut it down for me. shaking my head sometimes breaks the spiral. scratching my skin also works, but i try to do that less. i understand what you mean by feeling compulsive, but having some amount of control over it. it falls into a grey area of anxious and obsessive behaviour. a "true" compulsion usually has a fear behind it (ie, if i dont check my oven before i leave, my house will burn down). what you're doing is a reaction to a bad thought, but it doesnt sound like you fear a consequence for not doing it. if you're on meds or looking to be on meds, ask about trying something used to treat ocd. what i've found is that while i don't have classic ocd, whatever i do have going on responds to ocd meds.
  18. whenever anything changes i have a breakdown. now i have a new task at work tomorrow and i've been upset and teary all evening. this brain is defective, i'd like a new one.
  19. i forgot about this thread. i'm doing better. don't know if the clomipramine increase started doing it's thing finally, but i'm feeling a lot more stable. i think i was dealing with stress (probably related to whether or not i should continue my schooling) by self harming. the infection in my cuticle got quite ugly, but i managed to leave it alone long enough that it dried out and healed up. realizing that this is actually self harm helped me quit doing it. also it was really getting painful to walk, and i was worried about making it through a work day. i started wearing slipper socks tucked into tight pants to make it harder to get to my feet unconsciously. i also told my mom it was getting bad, and she helped me keep away from them. i think tdoc and i talked about this, but honestly i don't remember what conclusion we came to. wait, let me check my notes app. wait, i think we actually didn't talk about it, or not much, anyway, because my dog died two days later and that was more pressing. i think part of the reason the skin picking has gotten worse is that cutting doesn't work for me anymore. i've been clean for a while now, save a slip up a few months ago that confirmed that it doesn't do shit for me now. i still itch for that escape sometimes, though, and i think i went to skin picking for that. guess i have to cope like they tell you to do in self-care guides. thanks for your concern, guys.
  20. my approach is to try and wait out the situation, and if the symptoms persist, change the meds. i think Blahblah and Fluent are right on with the thought that the two are tangled and often inseparable.
  21. sativa makes me stiff and twitchy. i can only smoke indica. taking two days off sounds like a good plan in your journey to isolate what's causing what. do you like baths? soaking in some epson salts might help with the muscle aches. hot shower helps too. i know "breathe deeply" is like the oldest advice in the book, but when i get anxious to the point of freezing in place, i breathe very shallowly. being a bit more mindful about breathing helps me a little bit. if i were you, i'd also want to investigate the risperidone. i've always found low dose risperidone to be pretty calming. i wonder if it's more activating at a higher dose?
  22. Three Days Grace's 2015 album "human". i thought i wouldn't like any of their work after the first lead singer left, but i realized that the guy who replaced him is from My Darkest Days, whom i also like. i read what their names are but i'm shit with stuff like that. so it's just the first guy and the second guy. anyway. good album.
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