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Green Tara

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About Green Tara

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    Remember me and you talking about remembering?

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    time travel aficionado
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    Current meds: <br />for bipolar ii:<br />Risperdal 2mg<br />WellbutrinXL 300mg <br />Topamax 100mg tid<br />Xanax .5mg prn <br />for pain:<br />Soma (Miltown) 350mg prn<br />Lortab 500mg prn <br />_______________________<br /><br />Past meds:<br />for bipolar ii:<br />seroquel, abilify, haldol, prozac, paxil, zoloft, lexapro, diazepam, lorazepam, librium <br />for pain:<br />flexeril, zanaflex, oxycontin, ultram, norflex, darvon...various self medication options...the usual diversions: food, love, travel, booze (pre-Topamax), etc.
  1. I also think lower doses of Seroquel are a total knockout drug. Then again I can only compare it to Risperdal and Abilify, which aren't sedating at all (for me, anyway). Seriously, though, Seroquel knocked me out every time; and I was only on 100mg.
  2. If my floor was covered with papers and crap then I'd have to be hauled off to the hospital. That would be the cherry on my batshit sundae. As it is, our yard looks like a junkyard due to the husband's many so called projects and manly possessions: boats, RV, cars than don't run, tools, oil pans, assorted junk, lumber...you get the picture. So, you see, I have to fight to keep the rest of the house "picked up" as they say around here. It helps me keep hold of my last straw. A place for everything and everything in its place is the goal, but I fall short, of course; so anything NOS gets quickly shuffled into a closet for a rainy day cleaning project. Let's just say that we need some rain because I have some projects that need attending to... :embarassed:
  3. I can definitely see it from both perspectives. Having adjusted my meds in much the same manner myself in the past with both Seroquel and Xanax, it was a decision that worked out fine for me. It was a temporary increase in between pdoc appointments and I didn't want to pay extra to see him sooner. (Damn deductibles.) I neither condone or condemn my decison (or yours) but I think as a short term alteration it should be fine as long as you come clean with your pdoc at your next available appointment. Look at it this way, if you had gone to ask for a temporary increase that you really needed you probably would have gotten it, right? So that's where I was coming from when I did it myself. And my pdoc was totally okay with it. Whether yours is as laid back with you taking the wheel is another story. Good luck. Tara
  4. I had a very good response to it in processing through some of the religious abuse from my childhood. I haven't been bothered since with the emotions previously associated with the time in question or likewise any bitterness, etc. I would recommend it and do it again for any traumatic experience , from mild to severe. Before trying it, I had a great deal of pent up anger about my childhood situation. I only ever did it with my previous tdoc and the experience wasn't exactly as you described but I suppose everyone has their own particular style. The gist of it was the same, however. It's one of those things that I don't know how it works, but it seems to have made a difference to me, so I'm happy.
  5. i've been taking hydrocodone for almost three years for pain related to fibromyalgia and back pain from fusion surgeries and car wrecks. my dosage ranges from zero to three of the 5-500mg pills daily, depending upon my level of exertion, whether or not i've been sleeping well, if i slept in a screwed up position, what the barometric pressure's doing, all kinds of tricky factors. my pdoc knows about it. i have a pain management contract with the gp that rx's it so that i only receive a limited amount per month and i have to see him face to face every three months for a new script. my pill count has not increased over the years and i never have used all of it except for once, when i was traveling a lot that month. traveling is always quite difficult for me. i have been extremely careful to never take too much or too often and i will sometimes not take it when i need it if only to give myself a short (days or hours) break. i have found it to be a temporary mood lifter, on occasion and of negligible amount; but not nearly enough to qualify for what i'd call a buzz or something i'd seek out. then again, since i usually take it in conjunction with soma (aka miltown), i would be hard pressed to say which is acting on my system to that end. don't get me wrong, though. i feel hella better when i'm no longer in pain and i'm sure that translates to a better mood. i do have a hx of self medicating my anxiety with alcohol but stopped years ago when my pdoc put me on topamax. i suppose it's just one of the multitude of ymmv things, but generally i can't tell i've taken a thing with the hydrocodone except for the fact that i can get out of bed and begin to function, albeit on a limited basis, again. in fact, the combination of soma and lortab gave me back my life at a time when i was barely able to perform basic self care needs on many days. remember, this is in addition to the struggles associated with BPII. i don't want to downgrade the addictive nature of this med, or others. i've had friends addicted to xanax, ultram, and others. i know it could happen to anyone. i'm not immune just because i've done a good job so far. all i'm saying is that as long as you have careful monitoring by your physician, a healthy respect for the potential dangers, and remain honest with yourself about what you're doing then it is possible to manage your pain long term with hydrocodone. however, i wouldn't encourage it as a mood stabilizer. i know there are pdocs who have rx'd it for depression, but mine doesn't believe in it. i asked him about the subject of its efficacy for BPII (seeing as how i'm taking it anyway). i read some paper about it and took it in for him. trust me not to remember the technical reasons why it was a poor choice as a mood stabilizer but i trust him in all other things, so i'm sticking with him on this one as well. hey, i'm a graphic designer/artist not a chemist. waterfall, i wouldn't worry so much about getting hooked with only a supply to get you through this broken leg. i suppose you should enjoy the mood stabilizing benefits while they last? i'm sorry to hear about your leg. i hope you heal up quickly.
  6. So where was I, drug-wise? My pdoc added Wellbutrin XL and upped my Risperdal and told me to come back in a bit. I don't know if I'll make it (I mean, if I can wait that long). Here's the list, for those of you playing along at home: BPII: Topamax: 100mg tid Xanax .5mg prn (usually tid, lately) Risperdal 2mg Wellbutrin XL (recently titrated up to) 300mg Fibromyalgia: Lortab 5-500mg (up to) tid Soma 350mg (up to) bid Lamictal? I have considered it, but Lordy, do I really need another mood stabilizer? How many pills can a girl possibly take? I'm going to have to go buy a larger size weekly pill caddy if this keeps up. I'll do what I have to do, though. The Risperdal doesn't quite do the trick for me (even at the higher dose), but at least it's not sedating like Seroquel. Then again, I just read that it's on the list of drugs that cause photosensitivity, which is quite bad news for me as I spend a lot of time outdoors in the Summer. Also, if I'm hearing things all day long then screw it. And the Wellbutrin XL. Thank gods I'm still on my free samples 'cause I would hate to thinnk I'm paying to feel this shitty. Did I mention that I can't tolerate SSRI's? They make me either crawl out of my skin or have no effect whatsoever. Somehow, I thought I might be safe with this variant. Then again, I was so depressed that I was becoming desperate. This little number has got me riding on the fake happy/flat/weepy/agitated mixed episode carousel. I'm going to ride out my three weeks of freebies and hope that it gets better before deciding anything about anything. I'm still open to any bright idears. Maybe I'll ask for Lamictal instead. Does it zap depression? That's my primary issue at the moment. The mixed episodes are all being brought on by the meds. I may just back up and punt and go back to what I know has worked in the past in exchange for Risperdal, which was Abilify. At least it worked. I still don't know about the depression, but I do know that I didn't have a problem with depression while I was taking it. What do you do when you can't take an entire class of meds made specifially for depression? Anyway, can someone answer that about Lamictal? Does it zap depression pretty well? If so, maybe my pdoc will add it on as well. He's pretty nice. All I know is that I'm ready to pack it in for no good reason lately even though I'm trying my hardest to keep active and still going through the motions, staying awake, getting out and about, etc. I'm fighting this thing as hard as I can. I'm not having any noticable side effects with Risperdal. I'm not having any effects at all that I can tell. What I thought might have been the Risp started reminding me of the all-too-familiar SSRI feelings from yesteryear. I'm happy for all of you who are getting good results with it as well as with Lamictal. Thanks for all your help and good luck to all of you with your quest for the perfect cocktail.
  7. Wow. Such a lot of good questions and a lot of information to digest. First, I hope no one minds me responding in this format, but I want to get to a lot of the salient points/questions raised. Air Marshall: I don't know exactly what she proposes or what type of evaluations. I asked directly and couldn't get a direct answer. She just assumes I've never heard of the tests in question, which is irritating and probably untrue as I have a pretty broad general knowledge. She mentioned that a psychologist would perform them after she speaks to my pdoc for some or other reason. That will be the first he's heard of it. He's extremely laid back and will most likely go along with it. I have no idea how much it costs. That was one of my questions for her. I know my friend just had a so called and court ordered "psych evaluation" done for his daughter due to a child custody case and it was to the tune of $1500. My pdoc's dx is BPII and my t's office, who is a LCSW has me down on their books as BPI. I don't know how they ended up dropping a I but I've never had a manic episode so...I don't know about any treatment plan in existance. I just go in there and talk for the most part. My suspicion is that she wants to rule out a personality disorder; which I think is more than a little far fetched. Then again, she doesn't know me like I know me. Batou: I think the answers to your questions are above and yeah, that's what I thought as well. These tests would be great for suggesting a diagnosis. Trouble is, I'm already quite happy with the one I've got. Wait, that didn't sound right. Anyway, that's what I think I'll tell her on Monday. Thanks to everyone who articulatied that fact so I can use it when I get into her office. Between the meds and the hard sell, I tend to get a trifle discombobulated when I get in front of her at times. DMF: Thank you for taking the time to share the story of your daughter with me. I can see how it would be a very useful tool in guiding someone toward the proper path in therapy. I just don't think this battery of tests is right for me at this time. Now if it were paid for by insurance then I'd say, Sure, Why not?, because gods know we pay enough into that policy. While it would be nice to have greater insight into my old brainbox, I don't think I need to go shopping for a new dx, which is what she wants to do, and possibly give her husband some business in the meantime. I suppose I'll wait and make my final decision after I find out about the cost/coverage and then choose who administers the test(s) myself. Thanks again for all your input and help with this question and decision for me. It's difficult to go to friends with certain mental health questions and my husband already thinks I'm a second full time job, I'm sure! You guys have a great weekend! Tara
  8. My current (for now) therapist has suddenly suggested that, in order to get to the root cause of my issues or how best to treat them, I need to have a complete psychological evaluation. I've never had one before. I'm guessing that sort of thing will be expensive and will not be covered by my insurance. Or rather, will be one of those things that is covered but applied toward my deductible, which is my husband's goal in life to never approach meeting - so I do what I can to help out...like maintain substandard mental health care for myself. Oh, but I digress. Do we think that this is something that would be worthwhile toward finding the appropriate type of therapy or approach that would best help me or is it a time and money suckage? I apologize if that's an obtuse question but I'm quite a babe in the woods when it comes to this sort of thing. She said that it would be an indicator as to what type of help I needed and even though I asked for a more expansive explanation, that's pretty much all I got. I never knew that I needed any particular type of help. The only reason I have to be wonder is that she might be trying to send me to her husband, who is a psychologist...so it did give me pause. She did mention him in our conversation, in any case. I'm sure it couldn't hurt to have more insight into myself (if they even tell me the results), but is it really necessary for my continued success in therapy? Thoughts? Comments? As always, thanks. Tara
  9. I have always assumed that my husband and I would have kids and that I would have kids from the time that I was a kid myself. Now that I have come to realize that I'm nutso, plus have physical limitations (Fibromyalgia, back pain), I'm more hesitant about the idea. Added to which, we have now gotten to the place where we like our lives the way they are over the past five years. We're kind of still kids ourselves as far as our lifestyle is concerned. Mostly, there's an undercurrent of fear that I not only wouldn't be up to the task but would screw things up even worse than my own (s)mother did and I just couldn't risk doing that to a person that I know I would love more than anyone else in the world who certainly deserves better. The best way to make sure I don't hurt my child is by not having one. Maybe that sounds ridiculous but I don't know if I'm willing to make that mistake. Then again, that's what I think right now and I'm super depressed when my meds aren't right; but this is exactly what I'm talking about! I feel like crap, I can't sleep, and my meds are all cockeyed. How could I tell that to a two year old who wants to get up and play in four hours after I've had no sleep and have been crying about any little thing and with a whole list of things to do on top of my design jobs tomorrow? That's it. We're just going to stay with Plan B: Enjoy our neices and our nephew. Then, if we end up really regretting it later on in life, we can always adopt. It's good to read this thread and hear other people who are experienceing the same thing as me. It is a tough and heartbreaking decision. Tara
  10. The more I hear about Risperdal and the longer I'm on it, the less I like it. I'd go back to Seroquel but I'd like to stay awake for a few hours out of the day, don'tcha know. It was relatively easy for me not to carry out my "bad girl" plans when I was already unconscious all the time. So I suppose it's back to Abilify for me as soon as I figure out this whole Wellbutrin thing. I don't know whether I'm going up to Cocktails or Depression but I gotta figure this mess out tout de suite. Tara
  11. Everyone has had so many various and great suggestions already but as far as the relationship with your parents suffering, there must surely be some effective technique to bring them together with you and your fiance for some quality time without your brother tagging along. Perhaps if you explain to them that it's important to you during the time before the wedding for the four of you to have some time to bond as couples then they would get the message or at least acquiesce to your request. That way, you could have some weekend visits (on your turf) that are clearly designed to enhance the relationship with your parents more than exclude your brother, although the message should still be clear enough that he's not to be invited. Hopefully, the climate during one of these visits will be such that you'll be able to broach the subject of your continued wishes to maintain separate, special time for a relationship between you and your parents. In fact, you could totally focus on the positive and not even mention your brother unless things are going well or you feel you absolutely must address it with them. Personally, I would not let it go; but that's me. I'm certain that it's no secret to them that he has a problem and that it affects everyone; but I don't like to let things fester. Remember that it may be an emotionally sensitive subject for them so it might be best to use "I statements" when talking about it so they don't feel judged or under attack for the way they have handled the situation through the years. Of course, you know they did the best they could for everyone. Just make sure they hear that from you, too, and not only the frustration that you're feeling about your brother's quirks. I know that's something I'm working on in my relationships: making sure that what I'm actually saying matches up with the way I sound, especially when I'm frustrated and in pain. Good luck with such a trying situation and I commend your tenacity at working towards keeping things strong between your parents and you and your fiance. You could have just taken the easy way out and just kind of disappeared into oblivion for the rest of your life. It will be worth it and you will be happy not to have lost that bond with your family in the future.
  12. thank you for your post, rt. you definitely gave me some information to digest that i hadn't yet considered. sorry not to reply sooner but i've been trying to acclimate to wellbutrin xl - and doing a crap job of it, i might add. that topic is for another thread, however. this current t is only my second ever. my first one was a magical fit right out of the gate...kismet. i know how lucky i was. it's prolly a little like comparing a first, great love toall those who follow that never quite measure up but, for real, this lady and i simply generate zero chemistry. it's true that i have been doubting my judgement on the matter but i know it's not only my state of mind because i felt like this before matters went south. it only became imperative that we saw eye to eye once things became more critical and alas, alack. i did manage to prescreen one other t over the phone, who i have on hold in case it doesn't work out with this lady. for now, i'm going to keep working with my pdoc and wait/pray for my meds to stabilize, keep meditating, exercising, etc. and then make a decision. her new plan for me is a complete psych evaluation to, uh...evaluate exactly where we should go from here for me, treatment-wise. i dunno. having never done it, i couldn't say if it's a waste of time/money or not. i smell yet another new thread. in any case, thanks so very much for your time and effort to respond to me. your insights were interesting, entertaining, and much appreciated. tara
  13. This topic makes me so damn irritated. Must...not...think...about...it. Truth is, I was a once daily gal - at least - from an early age (maybe too early) but my meds or hormones have got me so screwed up that I barely have any interest in the subject. Now I usually only get really randy around the time I ovulate. I do what I can to keep my husband happy and try not to think about what a pleasant enterspise it can be, whether with a parthner or alone. Funny how, when you're fighting to get you're brain chemistry in order, things like that seem to pale by comparison.
  14. Not at all. I very much appreciate the time and thought that you took to put into both of your posts. Really. I'm sorry I didn't get back to posting to them sooner, but I didn't see the therapist until today and I have honestly been quite morbidly depressed. Thank gods I see my pdoc tomorrow morning (he had a cancellation!). I do feel that this woman cares and I was in an emotionally tender enough place to where (unethical or no) I was glad to hear from anyone as I was so close to doing something bad to myself. If it becomes an ongoing practice I will most likely tell her it's not really my style 'cause it's just not. I'm glad for you that you had someone who was there for you in such a capacity that suited you when you needed it. I did have a heart to heart with both my husband and my therapist once I had calmed down, gotten the support and feedback here that I should have (ideally) been able to receive from either one of them and the upshot is that things have been resolved. I'm absolutely too knackered to give a blow by blow account, nor does anyone require one, I'm certain. I said my bit and everything was respected and respectful. I may still keep the appointment with the other therapist that I firmed up for next week. He is aware of the situation, as is my current t. I figure it can't be bad to gain a differing perspective, have an established back-up in place should anything happen to my current t, or should things go South again. I can't afford to have any lengthy breaks at this delicate point in my treatment. So, thank you again for your input Rocky Girl and everyone. I will be back tomorrow to report on my meds changes. I'm hoping to try Wellbutrin, ditch the Risperdal, and go back to Seroquel prn - while keeping Topamax as is. (Or increase the Risperdal and forget about the Seroquel, on the AP front). That's my hope, in any case. We'll see. See ya in Cocktails tomorrow. Tara
  15. I really enjoyed your post. It read kind of like a short (really short!) story and had a sweet quality to it. You captured the scene with your Mum perfectly. Of course she's going to give you hell about the eyeshadow, but she still loves you so much and you love her. That's what mothers do. They give their kids hell about stuff. It's how they show love 50% of the time because if they hugged you as often as they wanted to it'd be kind of weird. I just want to know what color eyeshadow you bought! Plenty of guys are wearing eyeshadow...more all the time. Queer or not, it's just another way to be self expressive, and not trapped by gender specific roles. I think it looks lovely...and I might be old enough to be your mother. So there. As far as her lying, I look at it as a creative license to create for herself the life she'd wish for herself now - the achievable little embellishments and improvements she'd prefer to alter if only she could. She wouldn't take back the choices she made to have you in her life for anything, I'm sure, but maybe not everything in her life has turned out exactly as she'd always dreamed it would be when she was nineteen years old. It's difficult for a woman to get older in this culture, believe me. She might make herself come across as more clever, pretty, or cool in her anecdotes as a small way to build herself up, comfort herself a bit. She may not even realize that she's doing it. I had a friend who had been horribly abused as a child who did it. No matter what happened during the day - when it came time to re-tell the days events - she ended up with the punch line or solution to the problem. I'm certain she had no idea she was doing it. She just needed to be an integral part of the story. Perhaps the close quarters of the small apartment are causing an exacerbation of the situation? Will you be moving out soon or can you spend more time out of the house at a job or take a break - perhaps at your aunt's house? Just some thoughts. To make it clear, I'm not belittling your frustration at all. I do remember the intense irritation I suffered with my Grandmother. Now that she's gone, however, I still regret being frustrated with her because the stuff I was ill about was really not that important enough to have let it cause problems between us. Dammit, but she drove me nuts sometimes. Again, I enjoyed your post.
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