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About lostinthoughtandjaded

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    western canada

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  1. PS... sorry for the giant photos. I can't seem to adjust their size - hopefully the post is still readable. :/
  2. I'm the same as you - no one wanted to actually diagnose me, but all the professionals said they suspected it was bipolar... no one even thought of ptsd. Probably because I always greatly minimized anything bad that was going on with me. Also because I had (and still have) this belief that if things aren't hard and painful for me, then I'm doing something wrong. Along the lines of, if I feel good, I'm obviously being selfish and indulgent; and because I'm bad and have done something wrong, I shouldn't feel good. Apparently undischarged traumatic stress can look a lot like rapid cycling bipolar... here are two charts I have discovered along the way that illustrate this well. This shows what a healthy nervous response looks like: And this shows what undischarged stress looks like: Notice how much it looks like rapid-cycling bipolar....? I actually thought all my problems were physical at first -- years ago, before I ever even thought of seeing a psychiatrist or psychologist, I went through a battery of tests on my heart and stomach -- I was always throwing up and regularly had what I thought were mini heart attacks. It wasn't until I had a panic attack while a nurse was taking my blood pressure, that people started asking the right questions. Even then, PTSD didn't come up as an option, primarily because I had (a) repressed so many memories I didn't even think of what had happened to me (though I had plenty of nightmares about it) and (b) because I minimized anything bad that happened to me. Life was supposed to be hard, who was I to complain? Anyway, I'll try to write more later, but I wanted to share that with you now. I'm glad you found this site and I hope you find some of the support you need here!
  3. "Remember, we're talking about good people here. I understand that some terrible things happened, but keep in mind, they were still good people." "But there were good things too, right? It wasn't ALL bad!" Yes. This is true. Good people do bad things. And there were many moments in my childhood that weren't awful. But holy smokes...... way to confuse the issue. (And screw with my understanding of "good" vs. "bad".)
  4. I dunno what I'm looking for out of this post, specifically.... maybe I'm just curious what others' experiences are. Maybe I just need a small vent. Does anyone else with trauma issues find themselves trapped in a social Catch-22, where it's almost impossibly overwhelming to be around other people, but then at the same time it's practically worse to be alone? Like... when I'm alone, I'm horrendously lonely and bored and stuck inside my own head -- but then when I'm around people (friends, family, coworkers, strangers, whoever), I feel on edge and scrutinized and judged and unwelcome (and sometimes downright unsafe, whether or not it's true). Anyone else feel this way, or have any thoughts they might share? :/
  5. Oh my god, Chaotic... I want to respectfully and consensually hug the crap out of you, because I'm in the same boat. I grew up getting physically abused and beat up, but I also had some medical problems with my plumbing... the tests and procedures that they did on me were... horrifying for an adult to go through, let alone a child, let alone a child who was gonna go home after that awful test only to get beat up by another family member. During several occasions, I had to be restrained, and my mom would help the doctors hold me down, and my brain has thankfully erased the details of most of those visits, but the worst ones are still there and I feel sick when they touch the surface of my mind. When I first went to seek professional help for what was apparently severe depression and anxiety (I just thought I was having heart problems), the psych nurse started quizzing me on my history and stuff, and I actually brought up the medical procedures and explained that it literally felt like childhood sexual abuse that was sanctioned by both my parents and doctors, even though I knew it wasn't *technically* sexual abuse. She didn't address it- she didn't respond, reassure me, or even write anything down about it... I don't think she took me seriously, for a variety of reasons. So it sorta solidified my suspicions that I was indeed wrong to feel the way I did. Postscript.... Since then, I've also been raped & sexually assaulted, more than once. I feel like now that I've experienced a gamut of terrible things, I ***know*** now just HOW damn much the medical stuff fucked me up. Like..... really. Holy smokes. (I hope to god they approach the procedure differently now at least.) But like you, I don't know how to deal with talking about it. It's actually more embarassing to me than the assaults, but it's part and parcel with the physiological impact of the repeated traumas over the course of my life.... It particularly fucks with my sense of security in relationships, at least as much as the sexual assaults (nay, more). But I feel like I'm not supposed to feel this way... Like, the way my procedures were handled were not right or okay to begin with, but they were considered legitimate by all the adults around me at the time, and even now, so I feel like I'm not allowed to feel about it the way that I do. I haven't had much luck with therapists on the matter (or period, really), probably cause I haven't been able to connect with anyone who specializes in trauma. Hmmm.... I wish I had some help or suggestions to offer on the matter, but if nothing else - at least you and I are less alone with it now. :/
  6. GREAT POST WOOSTER. I actually clicked on this link originally because I have almost the opposite of a fetish towards bodily functions because of some specific traumatic shit that happened when I was a kid.... and in fact the post was helpful in it's own way. But Wooster has such a great point that I found out the hard way ... kinky (and even not so kinky) fun can be unintentionally triggering in an incredibly painful and/or jarring way. Once upon a time, during some gentle restraint (hands only) while fooling around with a guy I was dating (and trusted), all of a sudden I found myself in a flashback and almost hysterical and we had to end things right there cause I was having a panic attack - because he held my hands above my head and pinned them down with one arm in the exact same way that I experienced while being assaulted once. So my mind exploded unexpectedly and the fun ended immediately. So that's probably an example of being "sane" when you play risky (as opposed to "safe")... Just being aware of what those responses look like and some of the things that might trigger them (and not continuing if you see or experience that kind of bad response.)
  7. I'll be bringing it up with my docs next week too. So if I learn anything useful, I'll let you know.
  8. Is "LTG" lamotrigine? I have always had this problem, but usually it's pretty minimal... sometimes (like now) it's as bad as insomnia except I also have to deal with the memories of the dreams, so I'd way rather just have good old insomnia. Now you've got me thinking though.... cause Lamotrigine helps me to keep a regular sleep-cycle... maybe, where I used to wake up and have insomnia instead, maybe the Lamotrigine is keeping me in the sleep-cycle which is what is causing me to get stuck in shitty dreamland...? Bah, I ramble cause I'm tired. Do you have anything in mind, gear? I wish you the best sonic! Depression can be a real downer.
  9. Hey Motoko, have you gained any insight on your problem with constant dreaming since you last posted? I'm having the same problem and I'm trying to find some ideas on how to get relief....... :/
  10. I'm reading this thread right now cause I came on Boards this morning to see if anyone has trouble with not getting any actual rest because of constant (and often upsetting) dreaming. I want to either stop the dreams or find out how REM sleep is actually achieved... I'm not entirely sure how sleep agents affect the constant dreaming, cause I take them so rarely cause they freak me the eff out...... Any thoughts? How are things going for you Sonic?
  11. This is truly the part of it all that makes me grieve the most.... Not only do I have a dimished capacity for dealing with negative stress - but too much good stress makes me want to shut down in exactly the same way.
  12. THIS is how I feel when I hear it. It makes me feel like my response should be considerate of the other person or else I'm the asshole for rejecting someone who's just 'trying to be nice'. The mental health equivalent of not taking compliments well. Also I feel compelled to say "thank you" (again like the compliment situation) even though I am not appreciative of what they said (regardless of their intent)... and especially *especially* cause somehow saying "thank you" after that feels like I'm attaching thankfulness to such a horrible horrible thing that I am really not at all thankful for..... Of course, I try to keep in mind how impossible it is for anyone to know the right way to respond in that situation, so I def try to cut people slack when they do cause I know it's shorthand (usually) for what you all have said... I just really hate how I feel when I hear it. It really does kinda turn the focus around on them, even if it's not at all meant to... Also it's the most common response I hear. It's like the person who says it is also specifically separating themselves from the act or the situation or the perspective of the offender - for good and for bad. When I hear it from my therapist, it feels like something she's learned how to say... when I hear it from my family, I kinda hate them for it, even though *technically* they aren't at fault, it still feels like a cop-out.... Those are my scattered thoughts on the matter. :/
  13. Magnetic whiteboards - AND - assigning "times" for each task (either the duration of the activity, or the timeframe of when it needs to happen) both help me. So, either I write down the various tasks that need to be done- and how long I expect each task to take- and then I tackle the list in any order using the times to stay on track... Or, I plan out a very loose timeline of the day indicating when I would like to have my task (i.e. showering or eating) accomplished by.
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