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water

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  1. That's it, in a nutshell. Depression, the thief that goes bump in the night, day, afternoon, morning. Glad you have rice pudding. Not sure if this helps, but over the years your voice from The Abyssal Inn has always been one I look forward to reading. You have that wry sense of humor which can describe a place of abject awfulness but still makes me smile. My new normal is definitely worse and that enemy at the gate is getting perilously close to hammering down the door, the walls and the whole fucking house, but as long as I still smile at your posts and the occasional SNL youtube video, there is something left.
  2. I'm sorry. :-{ And YES!!! It is something. Getting up in the morning, putting two feet on the floor is something. This is a disease. A shitty snarky black oily infested illness that saps strength and hope and desire. So whatever we do, however little, is progress. Those intrusive thoughts are deadly. One reason I want to try CBT therapy again. I want to have tools, weapons, to combat these thoughts. They do me in all the time. Pierce whatever level of whatever I am in at the moment. Bam! A disgusting thought comes flying in my brain and all goes to shit. This is what I wonder about. Those "marginal decreases". My atypical depression has flows and ebbs. I am now keeping track. Using a lovely bristol board drawing pad and my colored pencils, drawing smiley, unsmiley, etc faces with a few words. Mostly my mood at waking up.
  3. That's a great idea. I am very bad at change but....I have been struggling with this therapist for a while. It's just too...little. He won't really even discuss my dreams which are so influential on my days. And are you able to achieve that? No level of depression? I wish I could. But I understand what you are saying. I wonder if my reluctance to switch up the meds and the therapist is just plain old fear. Love this! I wonder if I can break down my moods. My depression is complicated. Sometimes it's melancholy, sometimes deep sadness, sometimes plain old stark depression... and then there are those days I wake up..fine? lol. It's sounds strange perhaps, but so much does depend on the dream I had the night before. They are so vivid, so real, so all encompassing, they seep throughout my days.
  4. Thank you SO much everyone. This was wonderful to read this morning as I woke up groggy and unsure about the world to come. I did. I went off my meds. BAD idea. Then went back on Aplenzin only. Still haven't added lexapro back to the cocktail. It was SO hard to get off and I know added to my IBS. So, I am trying my damnedest not to use it again. Thank you. Thinking of keeping track on a calendar. Of course my first thought was to write down the depressed days, but an understanding friend suggested I do the opposite, mark the good days. :-} Situational stuff definitely does me in. I think it was a visit to my girl that triggered the episode on Tuesday. Also, I think my normal, may be abnormal for other people. lol. I am VERY emotional. Always have been. What a GREAT idea. Love this. Very comforting idea. :-} Now..I have figure out exactly where my line is, what the most cherished aspects of myself really are. I occasionally read thru my high school diary, with a bit of trepidation. Was shocked to discover, at age 15, I wrote, "I am so confused. I feel both happy and sad at the same time." Yes! Me too. How long it lasts, and how far down the rabbit hole I go. :-{
  5. Not sure I can articulate this question. lol Yesterday I was down the rabbit hole, depressed but also sad and very emotional, could not get out of bed. Did manage to play Pokemon Go at night, but that was it. Today I worked out but came home STILL feeling sad/depressed. Went to therapy, cried the whole time, covered everything however, and afterwards I felt...fine. Stable. Went grocery shopping, cooked a meal, played with the kitties. I've been thinking of changing my meds, changing my therapist but....I wonder. All these decades of my functional depressive life, depression has NEVER completely gone away. Not when I was on more meds, not when I was married. Never. Ever. I AM struggling now but that is mostly due to major life changes. Been thinking of getting a CBT therapist, but I usually feel better after therapy despite the lightweight work. I am less depressed than when I was married, despite the lower does of bupropion and lack of lexapro. And since I quit smoking pot, I am SO much more emotional. Filled to the brim with emotions. But I do not want to medicate/smoke them away. If I am focusing on being healthy - physically, spiritually, emotionally - is this level of depression acceptable? Do I really need to change the meds, the therapist? I realize this is a very personal decision, but I was wondering, how much of your depression do you just...accept...blunder thru...deal with....let yourself have those down the rabbit hole days. When do you stop changing up the meds, changing therapists? When is the amount of depression 'good enough'?
  6. I also have a hard time with friends/acquaintances who not only diminish the ravages of depression but really don't want to hear about it at all. In fact, one friend said to me the other day that if I did have peripheral neuropathy, which he does, I would be too distracted to be depressed. ha! As if. In the Standford lecture on depression (pinned at the top of this forum) Prof. Sapolsky says something like, "at least with cancer you can enjoy the sunset". That said, I find that most people have no interest at all in knowing how someone is feeling and much prefer to vent their own woes. Empathy is hard to find these days. Many people do say 'how are you doing' as a way of just saying, 'hello', not really expecting anyone to answer. Your particular friend wanted to vent and if it was a friendship that I valued, I would probably let her and stuff my own stuff. But as the years go by I am dropping those friendships where I am always drained of my understanding and receive very little in return.
  7. Don't be sorry @Will I enjoy digressions. Distraction is key to helping depression. :-}
  8. @Will @Gearhead Yes!! Happy New Year! Was FILLED with anxiety and doubt about not going home for the holiday and instead staying in town, invited to a new friends for dinner. I was so afraid I would feel left out, alone, regretful. All day I was filled with that mucked up stuff, but just got home from the actual dinner and it was GREAT!! I need to trust my instincts, not listen to the shoulda woulda coulda voice which is so damn loud sometimes I cannot hear my own wishes. @argh funny you mention buspar. That was the very first med I ever took and it opened my world to the gift of psychopharmacology. Unfortunately it made me very very dizzy. :-{ . Glad your mixture is working for you!
  9. hahaha. yes, it did make sense. Unfortunately, or fortunately, don't have ADHD. Thank you for the information!! Yeah, I'm thinking of sticking with it if only because I already have stomach issues and that seems to be the real problem with Viibryd. Thank you!! My cannabinoid receptors are definitely screwed up, but according to Guisel and this study: "the damage is reversible with abstinence." Yes!! The only drug she wrote about that damaged the brain permanently was MDMA/ecstasy. Thank you Will!! Nice to 'see' you too. :-}
  10. Yes! I think so too. I have never taken these meds without also getting stoned. When I quit I listened to Never Enough: The Neuroscience and Experience of Addiction by Judith Guisel. It was tremendously helpful. Sometimes I find myself going down the rabbit hole of, what if, what if I hadn't smoked all these years, would my life have been different, better. But the fact is, I DID smoke, my life was what it was and that's that. I have been blessed in so many ways, ruminating over what could have been is a waste of my time and my psychic energy. Quitting lexapro was so hard, I had awful brain zaps. I never want to take it again. Wellbutrin is wonderful which is why I am hesitant to stop. But, I am not sure it it helping me anymore. My diagnosis is major depression disorder, with generalized anxiety on top. But I have always been a functional depressive. Often feel better in the morning. Now, it is so different. Everything in my life feels...off. But everything has changed so much. Just watched the movie Find Me. It is on Amazon Prime. I think I need to get my mojo back somehow. Find myself again. I am in a new stage, a new place and it doesn't have to be bad. Just...different. Thank you Gear. I really appreciate your comments. I do understand about the summer. Winter is coming....
  11. Hi everyone...It's been awhile but I'm still here! I have been depressed/anxious/low energy for months. I am in therapy but...he is very low key. My friends call him a reality therapist. I am currently looking for a cognitive behavior therapist. My mdoc today suggested I switch out my aplenzin (same as Wellbutrin) for Viibryd or Effexor. The ONLY AD I have every taken is bupropion and lexapro. Last year I went off both (yeah, I know, bad idea) but went back on Aplenzin only in February. I am taking the lowest dose right now. The mdoc thinks it may be affecting my anxiety, not in a good way. Background: I quit smoking pot after YEARS and YEARS. My anxiety increased and my sleep worsened. I wake up all night long. My marriage ended around 3 years ago, right after both my parents died within 6 months of each other so I am dealing with major life changes. I have part time work, a lovely home, friends, amazing kitties but...I have very low energy, and really have to kick myself to get out of bed in the morning. I am not painting at all since I quit pot. My depression is very different than it was during my marriage and during my pot smoking days. It doesn't come on at night. It is thru out the day and hits me sometimes in the morning. I have a terrible time comparing my self to others, feeling lacking in ALL ways which is ridiculous. Almost as if I feel purposeless. If I am doing something, distracted, I am usually fine. It is all those moments alone that hurt. Waking up alone. Waking up in the middle of the night, when my demons come to play with me. But they are more anxiety flavored than depression flavored, if that makes sense. I am nervous about changing my meds but also excited. I don't think the meds will cure all, I joined a gym to exercise more, trying to cut out carbs, but if bupropion is adding to my anxiety I want it gone, gone gone. Any thoughts greatly appreciated. :-}
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