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water

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About water

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    that's as maybe

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  1. after work. But the guinea pig ate
  2. That's a beginning! What can you add to that? Something that most of the time gives you pleasure. Writing in a journal? Doodling? Drawing? Learning how to play a harmonica? Maybe create a topic on Crazybooards "Can't Get Out Of Bed Because..." and write on that everyday. I had no idea this small routine was important until I stopped getting the NYTimes. The newspaper in that blue bag got get me out of bed. When it wasn't delivered I panicked. Then after years and years stopped the service and I was bereft. When my husband left, the morning routine became immensely important. In the summer I sit on the porch. In the winter...I was worrit. There was no real reading chair. My sister gave me my fathers old chair and I found a safe place. Today is one of those 'clear' days, but I am supposed to go to the gym. Woke up with a migraine, could NOT get out of bed. Had very weird vampiresh dreams. Really really dont want to go to the gym and as of this moment, I remain undecided. But nonetheless, if I don;t go, I REFUSE to beat myself up about it. I do volunteer work for Freecycle which is all on the computer. So I am going to do an application and listen to Oprah and Eckart Tolle podcast on The New Earth. THIS is exactly what I fight everyday, every moment, every hour. What I am focusing on in therapy. I am NOT good enough. NOTHING I DO IS EVERY GOOD ENOUGH. My new therapist wants to do EMDR. She believes this comes from my past, my parents, my fucked up house. I named my critical voice Phyllis, my mothers middle name. But I believe Phyllis has different parts. And, my therapist said something that stunned me. I created Phyllis as a child to help me parent myself. But now as an adult, she is not needed, in fact is severely in my way. Tdoc suggested I EMBRACE her. Ha! Trying to do that. No matter how much I read. (The New Earth has a ton about this voice, Tolle calls it The Pain Body), that voice is still there. I think the only thing that helps is learning to distance myself, when she attacks, instead of crumbling, say to myself, "Oh! There is that voice again, there is myself telling myself I am shit." My coffee is cold, now what? One hour, one minute at a time....
  3. I have the same problem. Can't get myself out of bed in the morning, unless I HAVE to. i.e. job, appointment, whatever. But I have days that I purposely keep clear because so many things stress me out and the idea of a clear day seems like heaven. On those days I linger in bed, I read my phone, I go over my dreams obsessively, I toss and turn and crawl into the sheets. The ONLY thing that gets me up and out of bed is very simple...making my morning cup of tea, a nice detective/science fiction/horror book, and plopping down in my clutter free comfortable reading room. Knowing I can fix the tea (sometimes coffee) grab my book, and sit, gets me up and out of the covers. I have the kitties to play with, my Macbook Air to read gossip and news stories, piles of books I plan to read and don't (Touched With Fire, A New Earth, How To Do Nothing, Creativity and Mental Illness) and sometimes the sun coming in the window. It is only later in the day, when I am down the rabbit hole, do I beat myself up about this routine. Calling myself lazy and boring. But the reality is, this simple routine is my ticket to life.
  4. Yes! Totally. That is my hope. That would be lovely. What a great idea!! Thank you!
  5. Thank you @Juniper29. I think therapy alone might not work. She is worried the meds will change her and/or won’t work. Wonderful insights @echolocation thank you so much for sharing. We are going to start with the therapist from school. It’s so hard when my despair is rearing its ugly head and she’s happy. I pretend to be calm, thinking my mood will bring her lower. She left her shoes at birthmoms. She needs them. But for some reason her birthmom won’t mail them. She wants to meetup with my girl which is fine but birthmom lives far and my girl is working everyday. I don’t see how this will happen. And I don’t understand why this is making ME unhappy. My girl says “I don’t want to talk about it”. So I try to let go but inside my thoughts are ruminating. I feel helpless and inadequate. i know showering her with love is all I can do but....😩
  6. My girl is really struggling. I didn't know how bad it was until last night and I am trying not to crumble. She is 20, junior in college, and at a turning point in her life. She told me yesterday that while driving to visit her birth family she thought about a truck ending her life, how it wouldn't matter to anyone, etc. She said " I am not suicidal", but.... I mostly just let her talk and vent and cry. She is afraid to tell her friends because she doesn;t want to burden them and she also thinks they won't believe her. She is stressed about school, she feels she has a blockage in her brain that keeps her from understanding the courses. She told me she took adderall during finals(!!) Got it from a 'friend'. She said it helped while writing a paper. We talked about medication which TOTALLY freaks me out, but I read the previous thread about meds at 14, and that helped ALOT. She said when she was "hurting herself" in high school, she was cutting, it was different. She was in 'pain'. She wants to know why this is happening now. She feels that my ex-husband and myself are her only friends. She is willing to go to therapy. I was frantically trying to find someone this morning but she goes back to college in two weeks and my ex thinks it would be best for her to wait and see someone at school. I am wary of the counselors there, but maybe they are good? If not, we can find someone in our insurance in the same town. I hope. This is SO hard because she expresses so many feelings that I ALSO have. When she is working or busy, distracted, everything is better. When she is alone she feels "sad and gross". Do you think therapy is enough? Do we find a pdoc right away? How do you keep your own shit from getting in the way of your children's stuff? Everyone talks about 'adulting', letting go of your kids, letting find their own path. But this is different! I don't want to hover but...she is crying out for help.
  7. Lurve!! the smell of pine trees. :-} What is your favorite type of cookie?
  8. I don't know if this counts, but I cannot deal with food delivery to my house. Cannot answer the door, cannot pay the delivery guy, totally freaked out about tipping the delivery guy. It drives my daughter crazy, I know, but I just can't....deal...with food delivery. Mail, packages, all fine. Just food delivery. I panic and hide.
  9. oh gawd! He answered! lol. Wish I'd read your reply first. He asked alot of questions, said he was sorry that he was looking forward to working with me. Wanted to know the name of the therapist I chose. It was hard but only because I felt terribly guilty. I said that he was wonderful and I chose her because she was closer. gulp. Also, I complimented him. I ran into him at the community center in my town last week and he was very relaxed about it, which can be rare when running into therapists 'in real life'. lol. He highly complimented the woman I chose, which was nice. But...I felt so baaaad....I HATE making these kinds of decisions.
  10. ok!! I 'think' I decided. lol. GAWD, I hate making decisions. I did see that other male therapist a second time and I was....okaaay...with it. I talked alot and what he said was, unmemorable. He is a bit of a scattered talker. But very positive and nice. However, I was still undecided so today I kept my appointment with the woman. And I REALLY liked her. She is in my town, not on my insurance, but neither was the other one. And I should get reimbursed %70. Also, she spoke about 'short-term' therapy, so maybe...maybe...it won;t last long. What i liked most of all was...she was an EXCELLENT LISTENER....took detailed notes AND asked good questions. She did NOT charge me for the consultation which was amazing. She actually said something that helped me right away which is a bit stunning. I gave alot of thought ahead of time to what I wanted to work on: The end of my marriage, being able to paint without smoking, and most of all, my ANXIETY. That voice in my head called Phyllis which tells me I am shit, I do shit, and I always will be shit. Well..she mentioned something about 'role'(?) therapy, I can't remember the exact word. But what she said was, I created Phyllis as a CHILD. She was there for me because my parents were not. I was in an abusive household . But was a child with alot of abilities and I created Phyllis to be MY parent, to push me on, to instruct me. That makes SO MUCH sense. No one has ever suggested that before. But now, Phyllis has turned into something negative and the objective is to EMBRACE her, not to push her away, because she NEVER leaves. But to encourage her to mold her into something positive. Wow! What a concept. People/therapists/books may have mentioned pieces of the above but no one has EVER put it into such clear terms before. This lady is very practical but supportive, I like that. She also said that I am suffering now because I stopped smoking, ending an addiction, even months later, can be very difficult. She mentioned the book Darkness Visible, William Styron, how he plunged into a deep depression after quitting drinking. She specifically said she wasn;t recommending I read it, but wanted me to know about it. Anyway. We are going to start after the New Year because of my deductible. So there. Done Finis. Now I have to call that guy...ugh.
  11. Yep! Most of my life I only had glasses for distance: movies, driving, etc. Then started having problems reading the computer. Turned out I needed glasses for the middle distance. My eyes are weird, one is near-sighted, one is far-sighted. So they sort of kind of work together. So..after having two different glasses, I got progressive lenses, no line. They are fabulous. No longer switching one for the other, and I can wear the same pair for looking at the computer, looking at a book, and looking long distance. They didn't take that long to get used to. I was worrit, but it was an easy transition.
  12. YES YES YES. Very true. Thanks for pointing this out. I'll go to the second appointment. What's the worst that can happen? Nothing. lol Can't be any worse than the awful pit I fell into last night.
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