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About water

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    that's as maybe

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  1. I'm pretty sure I have atypical depression though no one has ever given me that diagnosis. It just never manifested it's disgusting self like other people I know. I have MDD, but it does not, like you, last all day and also tends to get worse as the day goes on. And this time of year, with the darkness coming so early has been awful. But I usually wake up fine, though the last few years have been a bit different since my 27 year old marriage ended. Some mornings are bad but usually fine. My depression is triggered. For instance, on Saturday I drove my ex-husband to the airport at 5:30 am. He was going on a trip to California I was not invited to. A free trip. One paid by his stepmom, my former stepmom-in-law. I could not go to sleep the night before. I tossed and turned going over every instance of rejection in my oh too long life. Nervous about the alarm about to go off at any moment. I let him drive the car to the airport but I was silent the whole way, ruminating in my head rumbling through everything I could imagine talking about, feeling frozen and awful. Once there, he left with no goodbye and I went home and crashed all the way down to Hades Hell. I felt rejected, alone, awful, despairing. Climbed into bed and slept. Then later on the same day I played Pokemon Go. It was a community day and I was outside moving around for hours. I made sure to spend the first hour with people I know. I need to be connected to people. That always helps. I felt great, wonderful, alive and alert. When I am distracted, with other people who make me feel safe and wanted, I am fine. When I am alone, in my head, going thru all the supposed evils in my life and in the world, I can dive down into the rabbit hole. But sometimes it does not take much to drag me out. And often, it does not take much to push me back into purgatory. Last weekend my girl was home and she ALWAYS is a trigger. One evening all it took was her eating the french toast banana bread without offering me a bite. I went to bed annoyed upset and depressed. Kids are selfish. I know that. And she may not have realized I was looking forward to a bit of that sweet desert. But this awful place I went to was colored and tinged with my past. I can always tell when my mood is carrying with it past garbage baggage. I felt uncared for, discarded, back in my childhood home. Years ago I felt lucky that my depression did not last for days on end, but now....I feel different. It is a scary place to be knowing that a smell, a song, a phrase from a friends, an event, ANY FUCKING THING, can drag me down the rabbit hole snap, without any pre-warning. My meds help. Tremendously. Mostly with the getting out of bed part. But life is a landmine filled with bombs that can explode at any time. All I can do is stay in the moment, use the tools I've learned from Crazyboards, therapy, research, friends, to carry me along.One step at a time, one breath at a time.
  2. No, but I think I am the only person in my town taking it. lol. It took the pharmacy a while to get the med. It is expensive and a higher co-pay than the generic. Another option is to try the brand Wellbutrin. My pdoc used to write "medically necessary" on all my scripts. I don't know if it IS any different from the generic, but when I used to take Wellbutrin I only got the brand.
  3. I went off Wellbutrin last May and lexapro. Everything came roaring back. I cried all the time. Little by little, all of symptoms returned. The depression was not exactly the same as I experienced before I started my meds in 2009, but I would wake up in the morning, every morning, and just start crying. I didn't want to continue. I was terrified and completely confused about why the hell I went off my meds in the first place. I had all my reasons but...whatever...it was not a good idea. I was taking Aplenzin, btw, the same bupropion as wellbutrin but a different binder. Sodium Bromide, not chloride. So two weeks ago I went back on Aplenzin. I did a ton of research and many people seemed to think it was less agitating. I also went to the lowest dose, 174 mg. instead of the highest dose. The same as the 150XL of Wellbutrin. Snap, I stopped crying in the morning, snap the suicidal ideations ended. I have not returned to Lexapro however. It gave me benign tremors and I believe it was adding to my anxiety. I am anxious. However, it does NOT feel med related, just my critical voice in my head as always. I did stop smoking pot and THAT has helped tremendously. Even though I started self medicating with pot for my anxiety, as time went on it only increased my anxiety and my paranoia. And after a horrific episode two weeks ago I quit cold turkey. This is what I've learned - I need my med. And I don't give a shit anymore if I am going to be tied to this pill for the rest of my life. My anxiety I am dealing with by going to therapy, joining a group therapy, journaling, and trying, oh so hard. to shut up that critical voice and make my life OK as it is. I have lost my parents, my marriage in the last five years. I am living alone for the first time EVER. But my new therapist, as my friends calls - a reality therapist - has pointed out that I actually do LIKE living alone. It is that voice that is constantly telling me that something is wrong. That voice that says I should have accomplished more, been a better mother, more active, and on and on and on. My broker is in AA and sends out messages everyday to his fellow AA'ers. I am now on the list and this message really struck home: "Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." Lao Tzu. It may sound trite and easy, but it is my struggle against the way THINGS ARE, that is my biggest battle. I am NOT normal, I have a disease, and I hold myself to a standard that was instilled in my by my emotionally abusive parents. I don't know if any of this will help, but I urge you to be very careful about changing your meds. Trust your instincts, which say your anxiety and OCD was there BEFORE you started Wellbutrin. Also, I found the SR pill very very difficult to deal with. I would crash by the time the 12 hour period was over. I do believe the XL pill, which distributes the bupropion little by little through out the day is the best. The difference between the different types of wellbutrin, the generics and aplenzin, IS the release method. Do you take a generic? Can you try Aplenzin? If you up to the 450 XL, Aplenzin gives it out in ONE pill, not two. It is a 522 mg. pill, equivalent to the 300/150 XL, which is what you end up with on Wellbutrin. But I don't believe raising the Wellbutrin is a good idea if it is not depression you are dealing with. Anxiety is insidious, all around and a smoky gassy substance difficult to get a handle on. I guess that's why they call it free floating. I am beginning to think that my anxiety is better served by these small safe life changes rather than medication or drugs.
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  5. Woo Halloo Opie!!! Happy After New Year! I’m still here though you may not be able to tell LOL I’m so sorry about your pain. Glad you’re back however. Also struggling here but talking reporting writing out this stuff helps so much!
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  7. omg! I was just going to write this very topic. Need to start therapy again after years and not sure what to do. Go to the same therapist I used before? All my anxiety is focused on what you have already solved - WHO to see. What to do? NOTHING! Prepare nothing, be yourself, in the moment, talk about WHATEVER is happening at that time when you are sitting in the chair in front of the therapist. Bring your life into the room. If the waiting room freaked you out or the person who walked out before you, talk about that. If your feet hurt, talk about that. Your head is exploding? Let it it explode with her. Therapy is all about having a safe place to share everything and anything with someone who is a professional. There are no rules or regulations, or right or wrong way to be. I did CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy for years and years. One reason it worked so well was my therapist insisted I attend three times a week at first. And I finally found someone who clicked with me, and moreover I was ready to do the hard work. This was the 4th or 5th tdoc I had seen -- therapy felt like an expensive way to talk with a good friend l until I met this male tdoc. Eventually all of the past crap, all the abuse, the family stories came out but that never was the focus. It is was me in my life at that time. Over the years I took those hard earned tools back out into my life and finally 'graduated'. Now due to unfortunate circumstances I think it would be beneficial for me to go back into therapy. I always tell my friends it is a gift. Having the space to unload my junk without having to organize anyone one else;s in return. I guess there is no reason not to at least start with the same tdoc again. THnaks for listening!! lol
  8. omg. It's my TEN YEAR anniversary!!! woot woot!! lol. Happy Anniversary to me! hahahahah

  9. I'm so sorry. What a jerk. I hope you are your siblings can go after her for the money. I COMPLETELY relate to this... My rabbit hole has been appearing much more often lately, I think because of the light, or lack of it rather. Me too! lol. It is ridiculous. But when I am down that rabbit hole, everything fucking thing in my life looks dark, and bleak, and hopeless. This IS your depression talking Beth. You are a wonderful vibrant person who has a disease that takes over. My life looks blessed from the outside, and it is. I have a job, a house, loving friends and family and two cats that keep me sane. Yeah, maybe my husband did leave me after 27 fucking years, but he was NOT attracted to ME at the end of the relationship, so I am better off now. But tell that to my critical voice. My hippocampus and my amygdala start hanging out and having a field day and my mood plunges down the rabbit hole. My depressions tend to be triggered, and those memories hit my emotions head on and a collision ensues, all parties dead on arrival. I feel the depression knocking on my door, wanting to come in, and often lately, due to stress, anxiety and too many sick friends, the door opens, and my crazy barrels in taking over my life. But I know that it is a DISEASE. It is not ME. It is so easy for me to negate everything I have ever done or believed or wanted when depressed. Nothing is safe from the rabbit hole. It is a black rabbit hole, no light or air, sucking everything in to disappear into the darkness. But here I am, at 61 years old, having achieved more than I ever thought I would. I have an incredible daughter who I have to stay alive and well for. So know that depression takes no prisoners, it makes no DIFFERENCE WHATSOVER what you are doing in your life. You can be the CEO of Apple and be depressed and hopeless. When I watched the Stanford lecture on depression for the first time, the line that stayed with me is one about having cancer is better, because at least you can enjoy the sunset. I am trying to reduce the triggers, protect my free time, and stamp out that critical voice. I wake in the morning and the voice starts on me - you are ALONE, that must mean I am worthless. But I call BULLSHIT. So what? There are PLENTY of wonderful women who live alone and choose to live alone. Yeah, maybe it is not for me, and yeah maybe finding guys on the internet isnt the answer, but there is someone out there for me and we will meetup, even if it is in five years from now. One day at a time. One hour at a time. It is a struggle my life. And I have succeeded. I am a functional depressive who is functioning so well most of the people in my life have NO clue. But ALL of my friends know. I am done pretending. If someone asks, how are you?, I don't lie anymore. I'll say 'ok'. I cry all the time. Many times it is from grief, I have lost too many people in my life lately, and crying at least for me, is good. But the depression, the voice, the feeling, the dead feeling, the non feeling, the looking around my life and seeing waste is NOT OKAY. And it is NOT ME. I am sure if I had a different family, parents who knew how to show their love, parents who didn't neglect and abuse us, siblings who didn't abuse each other, yeah maybe, my life would be different. But, I was also born into the world with NO pachyderm, no outer skin to protect me. A vulnerable little girl who only wanted to be loved. The depression developed from nature and nurture but at this point, it is all one big melting pot of messiness. Pretending I am not depressed does not help, and beating myself up for being depressed DEFINITELY does not help. This disease is not me and yet, it is OF me.
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