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Everything posted by water

  1. Tornado watch til 10pm. Got the cat carrier, maybe putting water, flashlights, food in the basement now. Big fat cat and the carrier weigh a ton. No way I'll ever manage to catch the little kitty.
  2. after work. But the guinea pig ate
  3. That's a beginning! What can you add to that? Something that most of the time gives you pleasure. Writing in a journal? Doodling? Drawing? Learning how to play a harmonica? Maybe create a topic on Crazybooards "Can't Get Out Of Bed Because..." and write on that everyday. I had no idea this small routine was important until I stopped getting the NYTimes. The newspaper in that blue bag got get me out of bed. When it wasn't delivered I panicked. Then after years and years stopped the service and I was bereft. When my husband left, the morning routine became immensely important. In the summer I sit on the porch. In the winter...I was worrit. There was no real reading chair. My sister gave me my fathers old chair and I found a safe place. Today is one of those 'clear' days, but I am supposed to go to the gym. Woke up with a migraine, could NOT get out of bed. Had very weird vampiresh dreams. Really really dont want to go to the gym and as of this moment, I remain undecided. But nonetheless, if I don;t go, I REFUSE to beat myself up about it. I do volunteer work for Freecycle which is all on the computer. So I am going to do an application and listen to Oprah and Eckart Tolle podcast on The New Earth. THIS is exactly what I fight everyday, every moment, every hour. What I am focusing on in therapy. I am NOT good enough. NOTHING I DO IS EVERY GOOD ENOUGH. My new therapist wants to do EMDR. She believes this comes from my past, my parents, my fucked up house. I named my critical voice Phyllis, my mothers middle name. But I believe Phyllis has different parts. And, my therapist said something that stunned me. I created Phyllis as a child to help me parent myself. But now as an adult, she is not needed, in fact is severely in my way. Tdoc suggested I EMBRACE her. Ha! Trying to do that. No matter how much I read. (The New Earth has a ton about this voice, Tolle calls it The Pain Body), that voice is still there. I think the only thing that helps is learning to distance myself, when she attacks, instead of crumbling, say to myself, "Oh! There is that voice again, there is myself telling myself I am shit." My coffee is cold, now what? One hour, one minute at a time....
  4. I have the same problem. Can't get myself out of bed in the morning, unless I HAVE to. i.e. job, appointment, whatever. But I have days that I purposely keep clear because so many things stress me out and the idea of a clear day seems like heaven. On those days I linger in bed, I read my phone, I go over my dreams obsessively, I toss and turn and crawl into the sheets. The ONLY thing that gets me up and out of bed is very simple...making my morning cup of tea, a nice detective/science fiction/horror book, and plopping down in my clutter free comfortable reading room. Knowing I can fix the tea (sometimes coffee) grab my book, and sit, gets me up and out of the covers. I have the kitties to play with, my Macbook Air to read gossip and news stories, piles of books I plan to read and don't (Touched With Fire, A New Earth, How To Do Nothing, Creativity and Mental Illness) and sometimes the sun coming in the window. It is only later in the day, when I am down the rabbit hole, do I beat myself up about this routine. Calling myself lazy and boring. But the reality is, this simple routine is my ticket to life.
  5. Yes! Totally. That is my hope. That would be lovely. What a great idea!! Thank you!
  6. Thank you @Juniper29. I think therapy alone might not work. She is worried the meds will change her and/or won’t work. Wonderful insights @echolocation thank you so much for sharing. We are going to start with the therapist from school. It’s so hard when my despair is rearing its ugly head and she’s happy. I pretend to be calm, thinking my mood will bring her lower. She left her shoes at birthmoms. She needs them. But for some reason her birthmom won’t mail them. She wants to meetup with my girl which is fine but birthmom lives far and my girl is working everyday. I don’t see how this will happen. And I don’t understand why this is making ME unhappy. My girl says “I don’t want to talk about it”. So I try to let go but inside my thoughts are ruminating. I feel helpless and inadequate. i know showering her with love is all I can do but....😩
  7. My girl is really struggling. I didn't know how bad it was until last night and I am trying not to crumble. She is 20, junior in college, and at a turning point in her life. She told me yesterday that while driving to visit her birth family she thought about a truck ending her life, how it wouldn't matter to anyone, etc. She said " I am not suicidal", but.... I mostly just let her talk and vent and cry. She is afraid to tell her friends because she doesn;t want to burden them and she also thinks they won't believe her. She is stressed about school, she feels she has a blockage in her brain that keeps her from understanding the courses. She told me she took adderall during finals(!!) Got it from a 'friend'. She said it helped while writing a paper. We talked about medication which TOTALLY freaks me out, but I read the previous thread about meds at 14, and that helped ALOT. She said when she was "hurting herself" in high school, she was cutting, it was different. She was in 'pain'. She wants to know why this is happening now. She feels that my ex-husband and myself are her only friends. She is willing to go to therapy. I was frantically trying to find someone this morning but she goes back to college in two weeks and my ex thinks it would be best for her to wait and see someone at school. I am wary of the counselors there, but maybe they are good? If not, we can find someone in our insurance in the same town. I hope. This is SO hard because she expresses so many feelings that I ALSO have. When she is working or busy, distracted, everything is better. When she is alone she feels "sad and gross". Do you think therapy is enough? Do we find a pdoc right away? How do you keep your own shit from getting in the way of your children's stuff? Everyone talks about 'adulting', letting go of your kids, letting find their own path. But this is different! I don't want to hover but...she is crying out for help.
  8. Lurve!! the smell of pine trees. :-} What is your favorite type of cookie?
  9. I don't know if this counts, but I cannot deal with food delivery to my house. Cannot answer the door, cannot pay the delivery guy, totally freaked out about tipping the delivery guy. It drives my daughter crazy, I know, but I just can't....deal...with food delivery. Mail, packages, all fine. Just food delivery. I panic and hide.
  10. oh gawd! He answered! lol. Wish I'd read your reply first. He asked alot of questions, said he was sorry that he was looking forward to working with me. Wanted to know the name of the therapist I chose. It was hard but only because I felt terribly guilty. I said that he was wonderful and I chose her because she was closer. gulp. Also, I complimented him. I ran into him at the community center in my town last week and he was very relaxed about it, which can be rare when running into therapists 'in real life'. lol. He highly complimented the woman I chose, which was nice. But...I felt so baaaad....I HATE making these kinds of decisions.
  11. ok!! I 'think' I decided. lol. GAWD, I hate making decisions. I did see that other male therapist a second time and I was....okaaay...with it. I talked alot and what he said was, unmemorable. He is a bit of a scattered talker. But very positive and nice. However, I was still undecided so today I kept my appointment with the woman. And I REALLY liked her. She is in my town, not on my insurance, but neither was the other one. And I should get reimbursed %70. Also, she spoke about 'short-term' therapy, so maybe...maybe...it won;t last long. What i liked most of all was...she was an EXCELLENT LISTENER....took detailed notes AND asked good questions. She did NOT charge me for the consultation which was amazing. She actually said something that helped me right away which is a bit stunning. I gave alot of thought ahead of time to what I wanted to work on: The end of my marriage, being able to paint without smoking, and most of all, my ANXIETY. That voice in my head called Phyllis which tells me I am shit, I do shit, and I always will be shit. Well..she mentioned something about 'role'(?) therapy, I can't remember the exact word. But what she said was, I created Phyllis as a CHILD. She was there for me because my parents were not. I was in an abusive household . But was a child with alot of abilities and I created Phyllis to be MY parent, to push me on, to instruct me. That makes SO MUCH sense. No one has ever suggested that before. But now, Phyllis has turned into something negative and the objective is to EMBRACE her, not to push her away, because she NEVER leaves. But to encourage her to mold her into something positive. Wow! What a concept. People/therapists/books may have mentioned pieces of the above but no one has EVER put it into such clear terms before. This lady is very practical but supportive, I like that. She also said that I am suffering now because I stopped smoking, ending an addiction, even months later, can be very difficult. She mentioned the book Darkness Visible, William Styron, how he plunged into a deep depression after quitting drinking. She specifically said she wasn;t recommending I read it, but wanted me to know about it. Anyway. We are going to start after the New Year because of my deductible. So there. Done Finis. Now I have to call that guy...ugh.
  12. Yep! Most of my life I only had glasses for distance: movies, driving, etc. Then started having problems reading the computer. Turned out I needed glasses for the middle distance. My eyes are weird, one is near-sighted, one is far-sighted. So they sort of kind of work together. So..after having two different glasses, I got progressive lenses, no line. They are fabulous. No longer switching one for the other, and I can wear the same pair for looking at the computer, looking at a book, and looking long distance. They didn't take that long to get used to. I was worrit, but it was an easy transition.
  13. YES YES YES. Very true. Thanks for pointing this out. I'll go to the second appointment. What's the worst that can happen? Nothing. lol Can't be any worse than the awful pit I fell into last night.
  14. The beat goes on....lol I'm stuck again. Feel very nervous about this new therapist. He was so intense...I was a bit overwhelmed at the visit. I know I sounded excited, but ever since I feel...uncomfortable. Not sure if this is a fear to overcome. Aren;t you supposed to feel safe with your therapist? My friend had recommended someone else, someone who lives in my town. She finally called me back. She specializes in couples. And the end of my marriage, the end of this 30 year relationship, has left me reeling. She took a long time to return my call because she is not really taking new clients. But I told her my story on the phone and we setup a consultation. She is focusing on short term therapy. I like that idea. Come in with something to work on specifically. She was very reassuring on the phone. Immediately made me feel safe. And then, the guy I've been seeing, basically 'fired' me. Which is a bit fucked up. I think. He said it is not good to have one foot in the door and one foot out. He was already cutting back his practice to only two weeks a month. And I think he took this opportunity to let me go because he really could not handle my issues. I don;t know for sure but I went into that appointment thinking I would still be seeing him until I found someone for sure and I left the appointment saying goodbye. And a more lackadasical goodbye could not be had. Now what? My gut wants me to call the new guy, cancel the second appointment until I meet with the woman in my town and see how that goes. Her appointment is after his. Or, I go see this new guy a second time and see what happens. But then, I STILL want to see this woman in my town. Living alone, being alone, letting go of the past, learning how to be with my own thoughts in my own home, this is something I think she is very attuned to. I am SO bad at making certain decisions.
  15. I did, and then last night, as the demons flowed into me while trying to sleep, I had all these doubts if I really did feel safe around him. It's like, I wondered if I was a just an interesting 'case' for him. And that he didn't really see 'me'. But now, in the morning, with the sun shining, lol, I am back to wondering that perhaps I need to try him out afterall. Great questions Dances. I want someone interesting, wise, and able to see thru my stuff, who is more emotionally intelligent than I am. A therapist who can assist me in figuring out how to live my life alone now without being depressed, ha!, and I would like to figure out how to have the energy and get up and go I get from pot without smoking weed. YES! that would be nice. :-} lol. Yeah, it was amazing how different it was seeing somehow who at least had a personality. He wanted me to come twice a week. That confused me, but, I guess all the stuff I dumped out on him in 45 minutes perhaps warranted a twice a weeker. Not going to happen though, too expensive and too far. Thank you. I think he does, 'get me', but I need to go again to make sure. It was just...so different from my current therapist and even from the guy I saw for years. It is quite refreshing having someone react so strongly to my 'story'. But, as I said above, last night getting ready for bed with my depression lurking around the corner, I started to doubt this guy, wondered if he just thought I was an interesting case. Wondered if he was too strange. Wondered about him closing his eyes at times even though I knew it was because he was concentrating, wondered about the stinky sock smell ( @Will maybe I'll tell him.lol) Thank you so much everyone!! I think I will go back and see. It was too intriguing not to. I guess I am just...scared. And maybe that is a good sign.
  16. Been back in therapy since...last March. Found someone covered by my insurance which made me suspicious, lol, but I've stuck it out with him..until now. I get bored. He never goes deep. Has no interest in my dreams. I feel like we just...chat. But sometimes I cry for an hour and feel good afterwards. And he has at time given me good tools. My friend calls him a 'reality' therapist. Last week I told him I only wanted to see him every two weeks. Today I met with someone else and now I am really confused. I am very articulate. I can talk circles around people. I know how to share everything. And there is SO much going on for me. This guy today, was SO different from my other therapist. He was emotional. He was involved. He closed his eyes at times while listening to me. He had a definite personality. But he let me talk and I shared SO much. I did cry, which for me is easy. But somehow I managed to give him a complete rundown of my life so far. He said he wants to work with me. He has great respect for my being an artist. He says I have alot to express and no where to put it. which is true. I have not been painting since I stopped smoking pot, and since I have been living alone, I have no one to dump my stuff on all the time. He says he would love for me to come twice a week. But...the cons, He lives far, meaning, not in my town. lol. It is only 15 minutes away however. He is NOT covered by my insurance but my out of pocket may be...$50-$60, which might be workable. And his office has a funky smell...like old socks. BUT I did like his office so much more than the other guy. It is full of personality, in some ways has TOO much stuff in it. Too many paintings, but it didn't seem overwhelming. I don;'t know what to do. I am afraid to try something new, but I am definitely tired of the guy I am seeing. Do you interview different people before choosing, or start a relationship and see how it goes?
  17. yeah. honestly, it was embarrassing to even write about it. Unfortunately, due to, I think, my emotionally abusive dad, I tend to get apologetic instead of mad when people do stuff like that, as if it's MY fault. That somehow, it's MY responsibility for making her make fun of me. Which is ridiculous. I am nurturing some new friends. And also, instead of automatically calling her, reaching out to other people. Today I am in a tizzy about what to do about this new therapist, and I definitely know NOT to call her. Instead, I think I'll make a topic. :-} This is what happened with my ex husband. He thought it had to do with him, and that I needed to share more, etc. etc. So, I came up with a sentence for him to say. After spending lots of time explaining to him that I did in fact want NO ONE around. And it worked. He would say, "I love you and everything will be alright" and then leave the room. Leave me alone. Previously he would try and 'fix' me, which backfired everytime. But I needed his reassurance that he still loved me DESPITE me being depressed. The 'everything will be ok' line was...not always welcome, lol, but it just became part of the i love you mantra.
  18. What a wonderful man, how rare. REALLY good question about my cousin. Hard to answer. I have only a few close friends. It takes years to develop these close friendships and I would be reluctant to let go of one that is so long lasting BUT....having said that...I have been thinking lately of how this particular friendship can be toxic. It is constant, her lack of understanding. She also makes fun of me, answers the phone sometimes saying, "Ohhhhhhhh, water!" and I immediately say "what;'s wrong!" and then she says, "I was just copying you.". bleh. I have a bad habit of taking everything on myself and I tend to make it my fault these issues so I am always trying to understand, to get over, to deal. But, I do wonder.....her life is blessed. She has loads of money. An amazing house, loving husband, incredible kids, and lots of great work to do. It is a continual trigger for me. She has no idea. She has been very supportive of me but lately, ever since my marriage ended, when she calls to "check up" on me, it's weird. I feel judged. And I don't always feel like I can be honest about how I am doing. That is not good, not good at all.
  19. I totally agree with that as well. What I meant by "flying to the top of the mountain", was the highly activating rush I got from smoking. yes, it did allow me to spend hours and hours cleaning my messy attic, but I crashed and burned afterwards. Instead, dealing with the anxieties and the barriers preventing me from getting done what I need to do by using meds, seeing my therapist, exercising, talking to friends, etc.,etc, and then maybe spending one half hour cleaning, though it may take me months longer to clean the attic, in the long run is much healthier for my system. YES, if I could have had a lifetime of activity without this disgusting dreadful disease, and achieved gods knows what, bring it on. But...that is not what happened. :-{
  20. No experience with tricyclics. I am pretty sparse on med info given that the first ones I ever tried worked until I stupidly stopped both. Wellex: Wellbutrin and Lexapro. Back on bupropion now, and about, I think, to add Lexapro again even though it was HELL to get off of. You DO do alot, reading your response. Sounds like the 'never good enuf' is definitely in there. I totally am in that place where when I am busy, doing something, things are good. It's all the in between that can be grey fog hell. I am living alone, working part time with my daughter in college, so most of my days are in that inbetween time. I don't know what I would do without Mr. Kitty. He is my everything. :-} Planning the day is good BUT being willing to let go of everything on the list is also good. Picking up kids, cooking dinner, starting the wood stove, all ENOUGH for one day. It's this damn society that says we have to do do do, be be be, that gets in the way. I just bought a book called "How to Do Nothing" by Jennifer Odell. Now, I just have to read it....lol My years and years self medicating with pot helped keep so much of this anxiety at bay. Now that I am off that 'med', dealing with the daily terrors is much harder but in the long run, using my own resources along with meds, drs., etc. will be much more beneficial. Forgive me if I said this before, but climbing up that mountain experiencing all the sweat, bug bites and cuts on the way and getting to the top slowly but surely means so much more than flying to the cliffs edge.
  21. Yep! I think that's it. They won't get it if they don't want to. No matter how many years, how many stories, how many episodes, it's like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I guess that is a good solution, though one that's hard for me to accept, just not tell her. :-{
  22. Can't see your signature? Maybe its my computer. I do know quite a few people who GOT depressed on gabapentin. A very good friend who was taking it for neuropathy and he plunged. This is someone who generally does NOT get depressed. Your shrink? THis is your psychiatrist, right? Have you ever tried wellbutrin? I don't really know, everyone's body chemistry is SO different. It's GREAT that you can list all these wonderful things you have done. I do know that I am AMAZED at times all the stuff I have done in my life. And reminding myself of that when I am down the rabbit hole is good. Raising kids changes everything, in every way possible. Just the fact that that you have children and are giving them a good life, is wonderful and enough. I know I am way too hard on myself. Nothing is ever "good enough". All that negative thinking kills me inside surely but slowly. There are days that just getting up in the morning, making my tea, reading a book and playing with the kitties is an amazing accomplished and if it wasn't for Phyllis, who is my critical voice deep inside my fuking head, I would be ok with just that. It's like when I lived in NYC in my 20's and 30's. The city is so full of energy, sometimes just getting outside and walking around was an accomplishment.
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