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About Igobihim

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    I get manic, when I do that I look for places on the internet to go and feel safe to be manic. I like hiking, I live near hiking trails. I love music, all of it, I default to metal. Cats, I love them. Technology, I like building my own rigs. Spiritual growth, may it be however the individual needs. I like to talk.

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  1. manic, been this way for too long, rooting my android. Risky behavior?

  2. I see. That must be painful. Having that memory of childhood sounds like that was wonderful and in the end it was gone. I'm sorry.
  3. It's good you track your mood and I am glad you told your wife. When you dip low and the suicidal planning thoughts come it might be a good time to invite your wife into that realm, tell her the plan and ask for accountability, maybe if you have it set for a two weeks on a Monday after work, then tell her that, request that day off from work and have your wife do the same, and instead of doing the plan you go out to lunch, take a walk, get ice cream cones and live your life with the good things. This is just a suggestion. My eMoods app tells me I am quite manic and have been for a good portion of this month. So, I might not be giving good advice. The little things in life that are good seem to weigh less and have a smaller impact on our mental health than that of bad or negative things, which means you should focus on doing more good things to help stack up the positive self that we all hope to be at some point. I hope I said things normal and I gave some good advice. Or if anything was even relevant.
  4. Off to work. In a pleasant mood. This bodes well.

  5. Agreed. These thoughts are dangerous though. Planning is my chain, I come up with them quickly and my symptomatology is acute onset so when I plan I could do it that night. I have four attempts. Two of them just didn't work. Two of the four got me hospitalized. One that failed that I had to lie about it because I was bloody and bruised and couldn't hide it. The other was done in my teens and I didn't tell anyone after. Very close to your examples there actually. The two that got me inpatient had plans and letters/blog posts that I post dated. Backing out is not an attempt in my opinion. The clarity came to you before you had the resolve to commit the act. I would embrace the part that made you back out. Was it fear? Sadness felt for those who would be left behind? Was it a still small voice? If anything stands out in your mind that prevented these potential attempts then grasp that and evaluate it. This is what I do, I don't know if it is an official skill that is taught, I just kinda did it and it works for me. You are your own wonderful person, you will have to try many skills and coping mechanisms. When I found the hesitation I actually meditated on it, I held that emotion and I did a mental and physical body scan. I found that the hesitation was several things inside of me that I needed to survive here. There were people in my life that I would be leaving behind, the pain and sorrow that they would probably feel keeps me here. The ingrained religious beliefs made it possibly the worst thing to do because of the after life. (That one is a work in progress but it still has some weight in my life and beliefs, just not hell) There are others that keep me here some of them are pretty personal, but they are telling me that I need to hang on. One thing enters my mind which is, this to shall pass. That one has memories that are good. Even the ones before that I lost something in. I also look back and see what led to this. If I don't really want to die, and I know now because of the hesitation, then where do I begin to live? I believe the moment you pull that knife out of your skin you have a reason to live. Whatever that hesitation is it wants you here. If you are planning then you should definitely tell someone. Having thoughts and ideas is a little different, I have them still. But I know how to cope with them and send them back into the ether and keep walking forward. It's because of my past actions that I am able to have this insite. I am by no means saying go try again and document your experience. Having passing thoughts should be checked. Because they can grow into action, you should look up DBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, depression coping skills and anxiety coping skills. These all have coping mechanisms and skills for all sorts of things. Skills take time to learn and to actually use. Are you seeing anyone, a doctor or therapist? You could tell them if you have one. It would be a good idea to use coping before these thoughts get more aggressive. Again, if these thoughts have gone into a plan, where you think of time, place, who will find you, what to use and how, you need to tell someone. I hope I answered ok. I hope that you are doing well.
  6. Confused, I feel sad but I am full of energy and super irritable. Back is hurting.
  7. Me too. I mean in serious ways. Like let them writhe with the pedophiles and rapists.
  8. Agreed, religion does not equal morality, neither does claiming to believe. The good people are all around us, some of them are atheists, why would being an atheist make you a bad person? Well, according to the Christian Bible, you and I are gentiles, not God's chosen people. That's where the promise of God comes in through the person Jesus Christ. His promises are about redemption which we could not attain before Jesus. I won't go much further down that thought process, I have theories about Jesus and how salvation works. That is a heavy topic and it usually takes very open minds and open hearts. Because that story has the intent to convince the receiving party to be saved, I would love to have that discussion with you or anyone really, but that would be a blog conversation and it would have to be agreed by us to be non-condemning and full of tolerance. I would have to keep my heart in check. I was raised southern Baptist, very conservative and strict. I used to be their perfect product. Constructed by sermons that condemned me. I was always battling the way they portrayed life and the 'secular' people, well this brainwashing that sinners are morally evil and their actions are against Gods will. Like they had a sickness that could catch if we talked to them. I started reading the Bible for myself. This opened the door for my mind to think for itself. Other religious texts entered my library. I found that most of the Christians were operating as lemmings. They would willingly segregate themselves from "sinners" want would condemn them. Not cool. I'm loving this interaction with you. I am also pretty hard to offend. In my opinion, Science has basic laws and rules that our bodies cannot deny or reject, they must follow. Then they have theories and will be put to the test. If they succeed in recreation of the theory, or create/discover something new, or they conclude this is not something that is not scientifically possible. If we relied solely on that it is not possible then there would be no more theory to have, there would be stagnant minds not dreaming of the impossible. Planes wouldn't have ever gotten off the ground. Science is a constant, in that, it doesn't have an end and it has always been here and it offers us the ability to discover the unknown. I believe God operates in a realm we will be able to discover, not sure when but we have so many scientific theories about dimensions and space and time and all these awesome topics. The unknown is a seduction for us. We have to find it and discover it, the smartest minds grind their intellect against these great mysteries. I have that desire too. Faith is the belief of the unseen. So I believe there is things science has yet to discover, I have faith in it's process. Yet, I also have faith in God, the unseen. I believe we will discover the spiritual realm and that will unleash so many possibilities. I am not saying that I am right, or that you must believe this too. Well read is a compliment, thank you. Yes I have studied the Bible. The New Testament has the first four books called The Gospels, you might know them by that. Those have the teachings of Jesus. It is accepted by some historians that He did exist and He did die, but they can't confirm a resurrection. The good Samaritan is a good story. There are several great teachings that Jesus brought to us. The prodigal son is a wonderful story, my personal favorite. Jesus taught love. He admittedly got anger and condemning, but that was always aimed at the Pharisees, the Jewish religious leaders of that time. They had become corrupt and would punish "sinners" usually by stoneing them to death. You may have heard of Mary Magdalene, the one that was going to be stoned to death for being an adultress. Jesus drew in the sand something that wasn't written down and it has the famous line, "he who has no sin, may cast the first stone". (John 8:7) A modern Pharisee looks like Joel Olsteen, Billy Graham, westboro baptist church, that church causes me seriously strong emotions, I usually don't say hate, and I want to be tolorant with all things I do, but with them I can't find it in me. Jesus taught many wonderful things. Grace, love, mercy, and forgiveness. These things we have undervalued down the generations. We right now are exercising tolorance. I am going to actually post two scriptures if that is ok. It's verses that most christians don't follow or even bring up that much. To speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. Titus 3:2 Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; Philippians 4:5 Those two versus I follow. Because they have been crucial with how I built my spiritual understanding. I also have other materials that I have studied and want to study more. I know the Bible the most. I apologise if that too much Jesus talk. I have been told God is easier to discuss than Jesus. So I attempt to keep those topics short and to the point without being condescending, judgmental or converting. As for you being unlearned in Bibliography, that is perfectly fine. I assume it is because it is a book about God and you have atheist bases beliefs, it probably didn't appeal. I could be totally wrong. Assuming is a stupid practice there is no wisdom in it. But, we all do it. Ok, so I did touch a little more on the Jesus topic, I am hoping it wasn't too cringy. If this was too much, call me out. I would rather you be honest about everything you feel comfortable with. You have your beliefs, they are a part of your individuality, if I stripped it out with judgments and condemnations you would either retaliate, get angry and leave, or basically say I am unintelligent because I believe in the magic man in the sky. It's ok, that sounds funny to me too. My posts are ridiculously long, I like to talk, as you may have noticed. You have these precise one paragraph answers. I have always been jealous of people who could get their points across with minimal fluff. I hope to here from you again. If not in this thread than another would be nice.
  9. I have to edit that. Because, I was referring to religious stance. I wasnt referring to your particular use of that stance. It is a completely valid thought. I am sorry if that was out of line.
  10. You didn't come off mean or condescending. I asked for any and all theories and beliefs. The original languages of the Bible are Hebrew, Aramaic and Koine Greek, from these original languages, the bible has been translated into 636 languages. The New Testament has been translated into 1442languages and portions of the Bible have been translated into 3,223 different languages. With that staggering amount of alterations on the original text you are bound to get misled somewhere. For people of faith who go by just the king's James version, they believe that's the truest translation. However, that is also false, King James had his Scholars research and put into book form scrolls, rewrites and selection of texts while throwing out others. If it didn't align then it didn't get included which is in direct violation of the original text (Deuteronomy 4:2) that scripture says that the word should not be altered or added to. Which raises suspicion and for me a need to have original texts/scrolls and the closest to the original languages. That rebuttle that people use is a terrible explanation for faith. It's an emotionally triggered lashback and it's just to shut the other party up. There are Bible versus about starting quarrels and being quick tempered. I have proverbs in mind. It basically says do not argue with someone for the sake of argument especially when they have given you no reason or done you no harm, (Proverbs 3:30) there are several that I won't reference right now. I don't expect you to go and read these scriptures. I don't expect you to believe in this, convert to this. That is not my goal or desire. Faith is the belief of the unseen. So, in my mind, everything that is regarding the very start of existence is a matter of faith. You have to believe in this format of science or religion because it is tangible that any or all could be true. Is this Christian God a ever loving presence that has all this love and power subject to science? Can this God be proved this way? Can science disprove or prove the entirety of creation, can religion? no, neither one has the sources or ability to recreate it or prove anything. There is enough scientific evidence for the majority of scientific minds to agree that evolution must be a fact. So, where did God go in that case. I can't answer that, I have faith that there is a God, who this God is is in the scrolls that are horded by the Vatican. That's why I theorize that God started the top and we have been spinning ever since I don't follow just a book that has been mistranslated over and over. I have delved into many spiritual documents and filled my brain space with other God's and their impact on the Earth realm. I believe that there have been other beings that held power and did wonders/displays of power. Which it even says in the ten commandments, you are to have no other God's before me. He is a jealous God so it would be safe to theorize that there are other God's and the Christian God is jealous of them being followed so He demanded that you only follow Him. Which brings the stance that God doesn't necessarily stay in a loving mood. But I have many theories about emotions and God. So, that brings into question. If there are several of these powerful beings that are worshipped and followed. Which one is the most likely to be true? Isn't it possible they all are? The shut down the conversation with you can't prove it is lazy, condescending and blind. There is science who has evidence, there are peoples who have God's portrayed in temples, there are people who have transcended and seen things and energies that can be felt through meditations. I can't just say you are wrong. I can't just say I am right. I don't accept a lot of mainstream christian teaching. I can't because us as humans, His image, are scientifically bound to this dimension, this time line, and this universe. Our understanding is based off of this sprawling space that we have determined is vast enough to be infinite. I love that you took the time to post your response. It was excellent hearing your take on religious beliefs and your firm belief in science. I can't deny science, but it doesn't have all the answers. I can't deny God because of my personal experiences and my research. So how do I resolve the conflicts? That is why I can't stop the searching. Thank you for being awesome. This was a good rebuttal. I respect your opinion. I am unsure why my text blew up so big in the middle of this, but I did write half of it in a word doc before pasting it over to this.
  11. Your MI should come first, if you feel stable enough for a relationship then you should accept your situation and come to peace with it. It would extremely unfair to a person to unload your lack of control of you MI on a potential mate. I would wait for them to know you better. Before sleeping together or getting serious you should sit that person down and explain the situation with your mental health. If the person can accept the MI then they may be more accepting of you as a whole person, some people don't want to deal with that in their lives. If that becomes the case then what you have done is save them and yourself from walking into a painful experience and both of you leaving the relationship with broken hearts. If you have that handled for yourself your MI then that should get the confidence built inside of you to where you don't feel like a broken person with no hope. My game and confidence tanked too, It took me a long time to be able to tell someone and not feel ashamed. It took even longer to get my swag back. It does return but more mature than before. Be patient with yourself so you can be patient with a potential lover.
  12. The longer you wait the more you will regain yourself. I am assuming, but from experience, you have now witnessed a traumatic experience, you are the victim. This is already on the table. From what I know this trama can manifest behaviors and thoughts that remove you from your core. Maybe you don't like being alone, maybe you think it's the best that it gets, maybe you think the abuse wasn't that bad. Maybe there is love in the ether around your mind. Whatever the case is you have not returned, this bodes well. Abusive people can change, with help and distance, if they don't change without you they won't change with you. I am glad you found support here. Keep holding onto surviving. You deserve to be you, all of you, every breath should be free. It might be time to focus on your mental freedom. I want to inject my fear, your baby boy will soak up daddies morals, emotional regulation, and his reactions. That precious child will turn to the darkness and possibly do the most tragic thing that he could, repeat the abuse and even project it on to you. If you feel that the abuse can be eradicated then ask him to seek help professionally. Give him time to do that, don't agree to go back while he is in process. Give him the room to grow. And don't give him expectations. Tell him that he needs to do that for himself and it may not guarantee you coming back, but it may give him a case to see his kid. You have to protect the precious one. Thank you for coming to us with this. Thanks for being willing to save your hearts and minds from potential permanent harm. Be safe, abusive people can lash out and become very desperate.
  13. My son is 9 and is extremely wild spirited. His school brought in a representative for kids with special needs and disabilities. They sat us down and showed us this huge packet that had all these topics rated from 1-10. His mother had done a similar packet for home behaviors. After a long discussion and comparison of the two packets. The lady said he has ODD and needs to have special treatment in class and on assignments. I was perturbed, but listened to what they were saying. He has very emotional outbursts and yelling, screaming and throwing or kicking objects all around the house and at school. If you ask him to do something he, without hesitation, will respond with a no, tears and suddenly overwhelmed. If you say something about something he is doing he will argue even if it is clearly there and is exactly what I said it was. Like a chicken in a video game, I would say oh that's a chicken and he would say no it's not. And then I will point it out again he will get angry and still says no it's not. Asking him to do anything at home he would react with emotions that were not there a second ago and it is like I am dragging him into a pit of fire. I was a terror growing up. I asked my mom and she just said spank it out if him. Not my method, she couldn't beat it out of me and it just made me scared to have emotions because they resulted in physical pain from the person who you should feel safe with. So I can't beat him up for this. I can't yell or become short tempered where I start saying stuff like, 'I don't care just get it done' while he is defeated and crying over his homework and doesn't have a clue on how to manage his emotions or the sudden defiance that his mind does instantly. He is in a state of confusion often and it pains me to see him in this state where nothing helps and everything is against him. He has great runs of cooperating and wanting to do his chores and help me with mine. He is sweet and gentle. Loving and caring. But, when he spins up he losses his grip and can't control his defiance. I see the defeat. I have an MI, I came to CB for myself and never thought to mention this because of the third person rule. So I am not asking for advice on how to treat him. I want to know what do I do. How can I cope with the diagnosis, how do I accept this situation. Is there resources that I can research to increase my knowledge and skills to set. I still need to parent him. I need to parent him with skills that are pertinent to his situation. I need support because I am hurting because he is hurting.
  14. I am not asking advice for my daughter on her health. I am already investing some time into her mental health. We have a psychiatrist for her and she has been showing signs that her mental health needs monitoring. I have many years now of inpatient and outpatient care. So, I can implement some of those skills and coping mechanisms into my parenting plan. Don't worry everything she says to her doc stays with them unless she feels comfortable telling me. I will describe how we got to the point that I need to help monitor her moods as a precaution because she doesn't do that as of now and I asked if she did with her therapist she said not really. I am hope I am not overstepping my bounds as the parent, I have talked with her mom and she thinks what I am attempting to implement is a good idea. When she was found with cuts and overheard saying how much she wanted to kill herself. We got worried, because, that's alarming, and I started showing signs in my teens, two years older than her. So, we lovingly sat her down and talked to her about it. I apologised for being an alcoholic and for being an absentee father on and off in her life. That caused some strong emotions. That was a little while ago now. We have since been treating it without meds. Thankfully. She doesn't talk much about how her mental health is doing. I don't want to press it as it might cause her to isolate away from me. I noticed the other day that she was emotionally numb and was responding with one or two word answers. I asked if she was ok and she said she didn't know and said I guess so while shrugging her shoulders. She isn't normally downcast but she is a teenager. I have tried to talk to her about my MI and it is hard. She knows of it now and understood that some of my actions in the past were driven by my MI and others was because of the alcohol. It isn't a great experience and I have since built up our relationship to something good. She has a phone, her mother limits the screen time and blocks certain apps on it and I happen to support that call. We have been separated for a long time so we co-parent and generally agree on the same parenting plan. I have an app on my phone eMoods and it is an amazing tracker. (Shamless plug) check it out on the Google store if your looking for a tracker app. I have requested that my daughter use it too. I have been a little worried that her mood is beginning to be affected by possible genetics passed down by me. I don't know if I can watch her fall into that madness with out some kind of safe environment for her to feel safe in. I helped her download the app and I purchased the full version. We sat down and I showed her around the app. I had explained why I felt this was a good thing to think about and use. I then told her the genetics issue. I don't think I did that well because I saw some fear flash in her eyes. The whole time that I was explaining and showing her the app she retreated into herself a little. I didn't mean to do that and I am unsure how to backpeddle the issue. I am unsure if I should. I told her she can use the app for a month, she can discuss it with her therapist and see if she would like to utilize the email report function. I am hoping she does because, after knowing how these sessions work, you can spend half of it or more explaining your emotions and moods. Then the meat of the session has less time. I told my daughter that she needs to send the reports to both of us, and when she sees her doctor we can discuss her not sending us the reports along with sending them to the doc. I am on the fence about letting go of that information. I am the parent and she is still very young. She still needs parenting and guidance and support. I have the unique skill sets for that because I have maintained good mental health for long periods of time. I can help guide her coping ability, her responses to negative self talk and other things related to her symptoms. I know she is her own identity, she will respond differently. But in the mean time we can show her the different ways you can cope. She can practice them and use the ones that have an affect. I have to sit her down to give her advice about how to deal with a potential MI. I have to alleviate the fear if at all possible. And encourage her with examples of my mental health. Am I at all on the right track? She seems a little miffed too because she thinks she is in a healthy place. Anyone out there done this or have input.
  15. I know you are asking mom's, I hope you don't mind me chiming in. I am a father, my daughter is 13. I have been a stay at home parent for three years. I have noticed that this is the age where their feet are on the line of taking personal responsibility, making her choices, and leaving the child behind. I have noticed this transition from child to young teen required a little bit of transition in me too. I had to let her exercise her free will with me offering wisdom and reinforcing the foundation I hope I instilled in her while she was still in dependant child mode. I watched as she frustrated herself with asking permission vs being able to make a wise decision on her own. Bringing it up as an option she would like to do and if there is no reason why not, she is going to plan it and go. Becoming more self aware and self confident. 16 is an age that I have been studying, I have taken several parenting classes and read self help parenting books. 16 is an age where they should have been practicing self sufficiency, at this point the relationship should be a mutual understanding, she may make decisions that are within her scope of awareness and that you might not align with emotionally or even morally. But, there is some loss of control of the child in them and now you are more of a loving council that resurfaces the foundation built during childhood. I guess this is a question of your parenting plan for her. I was saying above that wise guidance should be given while she begins the journey of being self sufficient. I believe that is too young to be sleeping over at her boyfriends house. But, that is within the boundaries of my parenting plan. I would consider it unwise to allow her to put herself in a situation where she may not be practicing safe sex. She might get pregnant at this age and that opens cans of worms left and right. Also, she may fall deeply in love and young teens break easily. And she will get hurt. There will be broken pieces to cry over. I gave my daughter no reason to trust or love me. I left her mom because I was weak minded and selfish. I was an alcoholic of epic proportions. In my alcoholic years i was very absent from her life. I didn't get to build a foundation or a relationship with her because I had no foundation of my own. She grew up with the mindset that I was more of a fun uncle rather than her dad. She told me that like a week ago. It was crushing but true. She said her trust is rebuilding, she sees me as her dad now. In my episodes of mania I used to scare her and so she lived with fear of my hallucinating and paranoid behavior. She knows what's wrong now but she didn't get it then. She has to work through that as well. It's ok to have a relationship full of gaps and half built bridges. It's going to be extremely difficult to manage her self will and Independence while trying to establish your parenting foundation, especially if you have had significant time gaps with her. I don't know your situation with how the foundation was built in the first place. My parenting plan includes my growth as the parent as well. I decided that I had to adapt and accept things as the parent of a future adult. Adapting to her behavior, her choices, her spiritual beliefs, her morals, and her individuality. I accept my daughters right to her individuality, i accept her moral compass, I accept that she will do things that I would have personally stopped her from if she was younger. She is two years away from having to truly do life all on her own. By that time your advice is just wisdom and planting seeds. As for the constant pestering, that is a matter of controlling your own reaction and behaviors. She is combating the fact that she isn't fully in control yet. She has strides to make before that is a reality. Three years away from her may have created a gap that is constantly there. She may not see you as the parent that lays down fair boundaries and upholds them. You may have to sit her down and tell her your parenting plan/requirements. I would also give her room to talk. I asked how I was doing as a parent. The answers were hard. Try to open yourself up and let the punches land right where it hurts. Listen to it and try not to get angry and defend yourself, and don't minimize her experience of her stunted relationship with you. Once you have received the punches you might be hurt and exhausted. You should be entirely honest. Try to tell her that you are not going to retaliate against what she said, of course that would have to be true though. I would not have the boyfriends house discussion and the relationship repair conversation separate. I hope the best for your relationship, I hope that I gave something you could use there. Being honest with her with all your emotions will show her how to manage her own. I know you asked for moms. And I hope that I didn't overstep.
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