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WytchyWoman

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  1. hey! you're making lists! that's a thing as far as i see it. maybe motivation is something we can find later. before i started this job i was in that place where i had no idea when the last time was that i had showered. i would get lost in my own apartment getting up to get a drink of water. i've been very much of the mindset of going easy on myself, but when i really want to get something accomplished i try and tell someone else i am going to do a thing. there's something about that that gives me accountability and helps me motivate more. i was trying to figure the phone thing out the other day, i think for me it's bc there are no visual cues, i can't know how to act if i can't read the room. so that starts winding up my anxiety. i am actually totally fine on zoom, which i thought would have freaked me out completely.
  2. i remember when i was in DBT skills group they really stressed how having structure and routine is imperative for people with borderline. i've since proven to *not* have that dx, but it's always stuck with me bc i get completely lost inside my own head without it. it's like the world becomes too big, so i shut down bc i can't deal. when i have to focus on a thing, it makes things better, but when i don't have to do jack? i could wander around in circles for days. the thing that makes me feel so much better in all of this is that neurotypical folks are all screwed up by this. so i figure i am not doing that bad to be screwed up too. i think in some ways we have it easier bc we we have been training for this. we know what MI looks like. we know what to do to make it better. the fact that the world is so much crazier than our own minds right now is a really good flippin reason for us to be so overwhelmed by it all we can do is navel gaze. so i would invite us all to have some compassion for ourselves. i think we're doing pretty damn good if we are able to do anything at all at this point. honestly i think sitting and staring at a wall is a perfectly reasonable response to everything that's been going on. maybe we can just say we're meditating and it will sound better. 🤣
  3. so i was going batshit sitting in my apartment. i had been out on disability from august 2019 - february 2020, returned to work in feb to find that my role had been eliminated and i had 30 days to find a new job before i was laid off. found a new job 2 days before separation, but then days later we started going into lockdown and the offer wound up being rescinded. so i took a pt job as an essential employee. this was a very bad decision. my social anxiety does not play well with retail. i thought having somewhere to go would help manage my depression, but it's just stirred up my anxiety instead. i can't quit or i lose my unemployment. and while i continue to search for a new full time job, the pickins' are slim. so i am here as a cautionary tale, LOL otherwise, i have been struggling. seriously struggling. this year saw the ending of a 3 year toxic relationship, a move to new home, and the loss of my job, twice, a surgery and covid. thank god they re-started me on meds while i was out on disability for ptsd / fibro or i would not be making it through this. mostly i have been eating and binging netflix. maybe not as good as exercising and journaling and being creative, etc etc etc ... but it's keeping me out of my head and i think right now that's triage. i have been trying to read, but i have no focus and concentration. buying more books on credit on amazon has not helped solve this problem.🙄 looking for a job actually takes up a fair amount of my time, but it is so depressing to keep getting rejected. i had a phone interview the other day and i failed miserably bc i have huge phone phobia. i become almost completely inarticulate. maybe before this is over i will get over it, but it doesn't look that way. for some reason being on the phone flips me out. i actually HAVE been exercising more because i am just that bored. which is helpful in many ways. i am rationalizing the weight gain, telling myself that muscle weighs more than fat. riiiiiiiight. lol that's the other thing i have been doing, cooking which before covid i really didn't do. i am surprising myself when things come out well. i made the most awesome chili and was just flabbergasted how delicious it was. my freezer is full of food that i made (i am single and can only eat so much and make so little) but i have a bit of a food hoarding issue. history of eating disorders which are kind of at bay right now but i am definitely feeling them dancing on the periphery. i am thinking about writing though. this might be the best thing to do. it will make me feel like i have *done* something other than stare at my toes in a lawn chair, completely spaced out and in overwhelm. posting here is a start to that end. i am super depressed and having a hard time doing ANYTHING that i used to find enjoyable. so here are the things that i want to do: read write crochet / knit hike (but ew the people) plant flowers in the yard where i rent yoga meditate (ok that's a lie i don't want to but i know it would be good for me) i guess that's it for now. maybe i am just boring. other people are doing all kinds of creative things with their time. i'm just trying not to drown.
  4. QUESTION: is trazodone one of those meds that once it poops out on you, you're SOL?" (and if it's not do you need to wait a certain amount of time after poop out for it to be useful again?) I have taken trazodone successfully in the past, and was on and off of it for years, in combination with benzos. but, both have totally pooped out on me. I'm tapering off diazepam slowly, .5 mg every 3 months, as i was on benzos for sleep for ~15 years. and was down to 50 mg of traz. but in january the trazodone was suddenly stopped because I had surgery and my meds got all screwed up. They put me on gabapentin for nerve pain. I have medical trauma issues, so my anxiety was through the roof and my PCP (yeah i know i do not have a pdoc atm) added buspar to try and help that. I wound up having a psychotic type episode that has been classified as serotonin syndrome bc of the buspar and traz combined. Traz was 50mg, and buspar 5, low doses but apparently it was enough. It was terrifying. They had me immediately stop the traz, and taper off the buspar over the course of a week. now i am just down to 1.5mg of diazepam, and some medical thc & cbd (5 mg each a night). I cannot seem to sleep through the night to save my life. additional history involves the usual, melatonin, benadryl, risperdal, seroquel, lunesta, ambien, daytime adderall to try and balance things out by activating me during the day. I'm going to see a PHd who is a specialist in anxiety insomnia for some specific insomnia CBT, after going to the regular sleep doctor and being told a sleep study is not warranted bc i don't have any apnea or restless leg type indicators. it's "just" anxiety. i wake up in a panic, and my brain starts running through everything i am worried about, losing my job, health issues, dying homeless and alone, paying my bills, people being at the laundromat, if my brakes need to be fixed ... i am scared of everything all the time. and it all gets jacked up in the middle of the might for some reason. i have had insomnia off and on since elementary school. but ever since i got divorced and quit drinking i have been an extra mess. it's always triggered by anxiety. i always sleep best on saturday night, but sunday when i worry about having to go back to work and perform, it falls apart. i get between 3 and 6 hours during the week while i am working. last night i got 3. saturday night, i woke up at around 5am but was able to go back to sleep and get a total of almost 9 hours. i'm at my wits end. i'm having trouble functioning at work; my driving is not as good as it should be. this is now months into this jag, and i am starting to feel really ragged with an average of 5 hours a night. i don't know what to do anymore. i can barely function and nothing seems to help. i was reading on the boards that you can go up to 200mg of traz, and i wonder if that could help, bc i was only up to 100mg on it. but i know some meds just lose their efficacy for people, and if it pooped out at 100, maybe 200 won't do anything. i could take this to my PCP, but she's not an expert in this field. i am trying to find a pdoc, but that is proving problematic. the CBT could help, but that would take time. meanwhile, i need to sleep. sorry for the length and rambling nature of this. i am so frikkin tired. i just sit at my desk and cry most days. appreciate your thoughts. mine are just jumbled and incoherent at this point ...
  5. my naturopath put me on estrovera and it seemed to help a lot. https://www.metagenics.com/estrovera previously i had really bad cycle regularity issues, and was put on bc pills for about a year as a very low cost (free), mild, hrt to regulate cycles but once it was apparent i would be menopausal w/o them, we stopped them, and boom, menopause. the estrovera helped a lot with the mood related symptoms. i hope you can find relief.
  6. i seem to have a sensitivity to codeine based pharmaceuticals. years ago i had an episode of suicidal thoughts, bad, very serious, after being sick and prescribed codeine cough syrup. just recently i have been having some health issues causing pain, and my doctor prescribed oxycodone, very low dose, i only took it a couple days around thanksgiving, and then again this past friday night. by saturday morning i was a suicidal mess. i wailed through my entire tdoc session. i was actually able to get myself there bc i was so scared. but i went in my pajamas. i'm only feeling back to normal today. (i also flipped out when i took it around thanksgiving, but my boyfriend was here and kept talking me off the ledge and suggested i stop taking the meds, so that cleared up after a couple days and i felt better.) i just can't seem to find any understanding of this. if it's a known side effect, what the brain chemistry interaction is. i read recently that the oxy doesn't eliminate pain, but tricks your brain into thinking it doesn't feel the pain. so, i am assuming this means brain chemical manipulation = the effect i am experiencing. trust me, i won't be going near these drugs ever again. but i would still like to understand the science of it if anyone can help out. a lot of this stuff is really difficult for me to understand when i find resources with information. appreciate any information anyone has to share. also i wasn't sure where to put this, sorry if it's in the wrong place.
  7. completely and utterly exhausted ... and yet unable to sleep!!! YAHTZEE!
  8. FINALLY found the status update thing ... i had it disabled. sheesh. 

  9. oh thank you for this. i despise the holidays. i despise them. i am in a profession that is extremely busy at the end of the year. i don't want to be merry. i want to go to bed. i don't want to be festive, or give you my money for your charity, or eat your cookies you made with ingredients i can't eat. i hate the assumption that just bc i am alive, i must be christian, i don't do this holiday, and no that doesn't mean i want it abolished, i just don't want it shoved down my throat every single where i turn. i have to drive by a mall to get home from work and the shopping traffic adds 30% travel time to my commute which is already 3x as long as it should be bc the state doesn't have the infrastructure to support the volume of commuters during rush hour. my mom died gosh over 20 years ago and that first year, everyone pressured me to celebrate. i didn't want to. i wanted to go to st thomas. back when i actually had money and could have gone. but noooooooo that might screw up someone else's holiday. if there was any small place to escape or avoid it, it wouldn't be so bad. i stopped to buy some toilet paper and toothpaste last year and when i didn't make eye contact with the bell ringing santa hat wearing person blocking my egress, i got a "MERRY F*CKING CHRISTMAS!" from the person. hey. you wanna stand in the cold and ring a bell, enjoy. just leave me alone. i shouldn't be made to feel guilty for not interacting. i'm tired. i'm slightly crazy. i just don't wanna have any part of any of this. and yet, i have silver bells in the cafeteria at work. it's so obnoxious.
  10. thank you so much for this. i noticed a weird thing. i can read again. with focus and clarity. i haven't been able to for so many years now i can't remember when i could. this tiny thing is huge. also, while i almost forgot to eat dinner, once my stomach growled i cooked myself hot food (not bread and cheese or cereal), and washed the dishes immediately after eating, not 3 days later when i had no more clean spoons. also i swept and vacuumed. i've pretty much just been sitting on the couch for the last couple of months, so while this doesn't sound like a lot, it really is, for me. and if it is cumulative, perhaps i may just get my life back in time. i really appreciate the information and support from everyone. i was very afraid to try this. but i'm glad i did now.
  11. i finally started today, not noticing much myself ... we shall see. is it an immediate reaction or something that builds up?
  12. Thanks so much for the feedback. I am going to try it tomorrow morning. I figure, just in case there are any side effects, I would rather have them on a weekend than at work. My PCP said it was a low dose, but it helps a lot to know specifically that it's a starting dose for pediatric treatment. I'm hoping i have a revelatory experience like you did @mikl_pls; I am truly at my wits end at this point. Fingers crossed.
  13. 10 mg XR i didn't realize it could help depression too. that actually makes good sense, but i hadn't thought of it. that could be a really good thing for me, especially at this time of the year in new england. thank you. so glad your meds are helping you so much!
  14. My PCP just prescribed me Adderall. I've had a lot of pdocs/tdocs over the years suggest an ADD-inattentive dx, but i was never prescribed anything for it before so I have zero experience with this type of med. I haven't started it yet. I'm a little nervous because I have had some crappy experiences with negative side effects and withdrawal symptoms with other meds. I know you can't offer medical advice, but any anecdotal experiences / advice for a newbie would be really awesome. I know even the best of doctors cannot paint the full picture of a med, only you, the actual users of the medication know what the experience is really like. Appreciate whatever anyone would care to share.
  15. that's so weird. i must have something turned off. thanks!
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