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About elcamino

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  1. Hey Tin, Been off the board for a while. Sorry to see things have been tough. Glad it seems like you are doing a little better. I was prescribed Trazadone once to help me sleep (this was prior to starting any meds for depression). It was kind of bad news for me. It did make me sleep, but totally made me feel knocked out the next morning. Just my own personal semi-bad experience. Glad it seems to be working for you. Keep in touch, Rob
  2. The point that was made about there being a distinction between having suicidal thoughts and actually being suicidal is a really good one. It is good that you were able to voice this feeling here. Sure it is kind of anonymous, but at least you are able to put it out there. I spoke to a therapist at one point about suicidal thoughts and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. She certainly didn't run for the phone to have me committed. She just made it clear that checking myself into someplace if I really felt like I was in danger was a viable option (rather than making the attempt so that I could be admitted somewhere). I probably knew that on some level, but having someone tell me that helped. Obviously it is a very important thing to discuss in your therapy so hopefully you will find some way to let your therapist know. Writing a letter or printing out your post seems like a great idea. Once it's out there you won't have to worry about bringing it into the conversation again.
  3. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help and expressing yourself if you need to. I think everyone on this board understands what it is like to be in a bad place and is more than willing to give help without expecting anything in return. Honestly the payback is being able to help if only a little. Things can be tough but there are ways to get help. There is no magic cure, but things can get better. It is a good sign that you reached out in this way. I hope you are able to find some comfort.
  4. Hey Tin, Don't know if this is exactly what you are talking about, but when I have had deeper and more lasting periods of depression I end up feeling like I'm not really human. Like the way I am thinking is so out there and unlike anyone else in the world that I can't possibly br of the same species (or planet or something). Of course the worst part is that at that point I want to isolate myself from other people so it just feeds on itself. I have found that if I am able to get out of the house and do even mundane tasks it can be helpful. Last summer I was feeling this way (though admittedly improving enough to leave my home). I was out walking my dog. I ended up talking to a girl in the park about the weather. The fact that I was able to carry on the conversation and she didn't recoil from me in horror helped a lot. I have thought of it often since. She of course could not have any idea how much it meant to me. It is one of the things that has made me want to do what I can to help others with similar issues.
  5. When I started on Lexapro I had drug induced psychosis like anxiety. It felt a lot like bad experiences I have had from LSD. Like the night after I took it for the first time. I didn't take it again for a week. Tried again a week later and had the same thing to a lesser degree. For whatever reason I kept taking it (well not for whatever reason, I wanted to kill myself at the time and was willing to deal with anything that might help). Anyway I didn't have any further problems like that after that. It probably messed up my sleep patterns for a little bit. I have found it to be a great help since. So it might be worth dealing with it for a short time to see what develops.
  6. Thanks as usual everyone. Perhaps I will write another screed later after my meeting, but I am really tired so I may just go to bed. Prior to the meeting I will be playing loudly with my new wah-wah. There will be much 70s porn style music. DC. First of all thanks for the comment about appreciating that other people have immature thought patterns. You are right. A lot of people have a lot of different sometimes conflicting emotional reactions to things. I'm sure a lot of people don't ever grow up and I should recognize that and not beat myself up about it. Second, totally cracked up about you buying music equipment without knowing how to play. If you haven't ever actually used it you should give it a shot as it can be really therapeutic. Finally, though I have thought about using the guitar as a weapon should I hear the wrong sounds I have another plan. Well, first let me say that a lot of people have commented on how they don't know how they would handle living below someone. It really does suck. I hear her walking around right now actually. Sometimes when I hear her I feel some of the old sort of positive feelings I used to. Sometimes it just makes me hurt more. Sometimes a combination of both. In some ways I am feeling more numb about the whole thing which I suppose is a normal human defense mechanism. Anyway, I did ask her (via written letter) to refrain from having sex above me for the time being as it would be torture. There was a little emailing back and forth (we have not spoken face to face though obviously it is inevitable that we run into each other in the hall at some point). I don't know exactly how she is reacting to that, but I got some feeling that despite her obviously being a terrible person she had some idea where I was coming from. She wanted to know "how long this request is in effect". I told her I didn't know. That was the last communication we had last Thursday. I have tried to be respectful and appeal to her better nature in doing this. For many reasons I don't feel that it will do me any good to lash out directly in anger or be vindictive. That being said, I have thought that if she does not respect my request until I am able to deal I could do this. I have a microphone and an amplifier. I can set it up directly below them and go into an unignorable diatribe explaining to the new guy, the "great catch" in her words that she thinks she will be able to live happily ever after with, exactly what type of person she is. He can't possibly know that she had us competing against each other in some sort of horse race to find the best possible mate. If he does and still wants to spend the rest of his life with her (paraphrasing her words which I don't really remember as I deleted the emails), then he must be at least as crazy as she is. I know that these thoughts are antithetical to the releasing of resentment and anger that are integral to my being able to effectively accept the aa program by the way. But I am more than willing to admit that I am not a perfect person. Bomp chicka wah chicka wah chicka wah wah
  7. Daisy. Thank you so much for your thoughts. It really means a lot to me that you looked closely at everything that I said and brought some things back up to my attention. A lot of helpful ideas for dealing. And I also see your point about not trying to take too much on. But that is one of the things about me. I have sort of developed this idea about helping other people. Kind of as a way to my own salvation I guess. It kind of started as I was coming out of the depression. I felt this compassion for everybody. And I wanted to act on that. I worry that now it has become a subconsciously self-interested bit of BS that I fool myself with. Like by taking on other's pain it will make me a better person. Messianic much? I didn't even add the part about my Dad being sick and in a medically induced coma for over thirty days. He is out of that now, but greatly diminished. Honestly when I look back at everything that has happened in one year it is almost comic. This is the funny thing (one of them anyway. Actually an odd thing). The depression thing came first. I have had some issues throughout my life. A couple of brief periods of therapy. A slight undercurrent of suicidal ideas since I was a teenager. But it was more like a defense mechanism. Sort of like "well if things ever get that bad I can just kill myself" which was strangely liberating. You really get called up on your own BS when you find yourself crying in the bathroom in the morning because you can't face going to work and thinking that at least if you overdosed on pills but didn't die you would get a nice time out in a hospital and people would take seriously that you are really in pain. I never want to go back to that place again. I felt myself getting close the over the past week and it really scared me. Motivating this whole post. But as I say I have been aware of some sort of issues since I was a teenager. One of the few reasons my ex-wife gave me for wanting to split was that she felt I had been depressed pretty much throughout our relationship (cyclically - sometimes bad sometimes not so much) and that she didn't want to deal with it anymore. We were together for fifteen years so I to some degree respect her perspective on this. Anyway, had this job I hated. Began to feel incredibly trapped, depressed, borderline suicidal. Quit job. Began to recover. Started taking Lexapro which I believe has helped greatly. As I started to get better my ex told me she wanted to split. It was tough, but I was realizing it had been over for a long time so it was oddly not as bad as you might think. Moved to my parents as there was nothing left for me in Ohio and I wanted to be near that support. Couldn't deal with that. Living with your parents when you are 38 is not a good thing - I felt like I was twelve years old. Moved to Philly (which was my ultimate plan). Maybe too quick, but it was what I felt I needed. New job. Dad sick. All of it seemed to roll off me pretty easily. I know that isn't really true. Obviously my accelerated drinking and drug use and the ease with which I fell into a somewhat co-dependent relationship right out of the gate, among other things indicate that I haven't properly dealt with it all. Self indulgent whining time alert. After all of that it is ridiculous that the thing that has brought me closest to the brink is the break-up of a two month relationship with someone who obviously isn't worth it. It is really upsetting to me. Yet another reason to be angry at myself. I wasn't even as physically attracted to her as I would want to be with someone that I am really going to be with (shallow and cruel but true). And there were a number of things about her that annoyed me. Still it really really really hurt. I think the way that it went down has a lot to do with that too. If anyone ever really wants to hurt me cheating would be the way to do it. I have come unglued before after finding out that people that I am broken up with are with someone else. Some part of my motivation for moving, or at least an added bonus, was to spare myself the pain of seeing my ex-wife with someone else at some unknown future point. None of it really matters cause the pain has been real. I have noticed that a number of you who I have been communicating with here are a lot younger. I hope that it is not dishearting to see that for some of us at least never really grow out of these adolescent ways of looking at things. Or maybe it is just me . Anyway, today I actually felt pretty good. Perhaps almost a little too good in a slightly manic way. I don't see myself as manic, but after feeling so bad for a week it was probably inevtiable that it would have a manic edge. I felt like I deserved to feel good so I sort of let myself do that for as long as it would last. I can work on healthy feeling good later. Engaged in a little retail therapy by buying myself a new wah-wah pedal. I had been wanting one for a while, but I will admit that it is in my mind to torture her a little by making a ridiculous and unignorable racket below her. So mature. I am also a little too aware that it is funny that many people in the world would see spending some money that you don't really have on a gift for yourself as a reasonable reaction to having such a bad experience. Really not rational at all, but what can you do. A rationalization to do something that I wanted to but knew I shouldn't. Meeting tonight was odd. Not going to get into it too much, but it was the first of the six I have been to where a number of people talked about some really bad stuff that has happened to them as opposed to just rah-rahing AA. It was both helpful in a sort of cathartic way to know that I am not the only one out there in pain sort of way and difficult in that I wanted to stop everything and do something for these people. Again I thought of what you had said Daisy and didn't really indulge that feeling. I did talk to a couple of people about it afterward which helped a little. Now I am home, up later than I should be as I work again tomorrow, and writing this. I don't even know if anyone is going to read through the whole thing. But a lot of people have talked to me about journal writing types of things. I've always hated writing journals. For some reason I find comfort in doing this in a semi-public way. I guess I need an audience. Tomorrow is another day and I don't know where I will be emotionally. Hopefully letting it out in this small, screwed up way will help.
  8. Back to work again. Another long day - only 11 hours this time. The meeting was good. Talked to a guy afterward who may become at least a temporary sponsor. Slept more, but probably not enough. Xanax to help sleep. I know that may be weird, but it seems to be the only thing that helps for that with the fewest after-effects. Though it seems like there are a bit more lately. Helps me sleep but maybe makes me feel a little more down in the morning. Plus a weird headache in the back of my head. Though maybe that is just there from all the stress and sadness. I'm going to try and sleep without it tonight as I don't have to get up from work until 7:30 AM tomorrow. Whoopee! Trying not to obsess about the breakup. Not going so well but the hurt is more of a dull thrumb yesterday and today than abject misery. It doesn't help that she lives directly above me and I hear her walking around. What was I thinking when I entered into this? I guess bad decisions are a hallmark of both depression and alcohol and drug problems. Certainly wouldn't mind to keep hearing from people today.
  9. I did make it through the grueling day at work. In some ways it wasn't as bad as I expected. I was still obsessing over the break up thing, but it wasn't making me feel the horrible pain that I have been feeling these past few days. I hope that continues through the rest of today and I get some useful, albiet most likely medicated sleep. I know it will come back, but hopefully less and less. All of your replies were incredibly helpful. I must have checked my phone at least ten times today. It does help to know that someone is listening and understands at least a little. I will try to become more active on the board as I have found that one of the only things that helps me when things are bad is to talk. Indescretly and embarrasingly and honestly. I hope too that as time goes on I am able to help other people by listening too. Figlio Perduto please get in touch with me anytime. I promise I will listen. Don't know if I need to be set up for PM. I will gladly send you my email address. Shattered Glass. You did help. Yours was the first message I got. Read in the car on the way to work. I think it really helped to set a better tone for today. I did look at some of your posts in the limited time I have had since I got home and it does seem like we have gone through some similar things lately. Maybe it is the water in Pennsylvania (I am there as well). What you said about putting things out there to win ... or lose really hit me. Since my life blew up last year I have tried to live by a sort of kharmic good will. Like if I put out positive feelings they would be returned to me. Or if I was open and honest and caring towards people/the world it would come back to me. Or maybe that if I viewed things in a sort of childlike innocent way everything would work out. I don't know. I'm sure if I really start doing the work that aa will require I will realize that my vision of myself as caring, open, and innocent is pretty self-serving. Still it seemed to be working for a while. A lot of positive things did come my way. A decent somewhat affordable apartment in Philadelphia. Excitement at discovering my new city. A decent job that while not satisfying at least affords me a certain degree of financial stability (though if I don't hold it together I'm sure I will lose that too). Some friends, hopefully at least a few of those will be real. Maybe I thought the reationship was part of that. I have to say that the pain this has caused me has really shaken my faith that the way I have been relating to the world really is working out. I hope that I am able to get that back as I don't want to live a closed off hidden life. I will try and get in touch with you directly at some point if you are receptive. More importantly know that I am available if you ever need to talk. I know that maybe I am not ready for a real relationship. I hate that my lonliness and self-hatred may mean that I need to be alone for a while. I am so lonely a lot of the time even though I am around people a lot. Being with someone eases that pain, but maybe who I am right now means I can't have a healthy relationship. I wish I could say that I won't keep reaching out for that comfort, but I don't know if I am that strong. I also hate that recognizing my depression means that anytime I feel pain, even a little, I can't just accept it and move on. I have to poke and prod at it to make sure that it is not going to sink me into a deep pit again. I'm sure a lot of people on the board can relate to that. Going to the aa meeting that was mentioned. Again, to all of you, this really has helped. Please keep listening and talking.
  10. I am so tired and sad. I had a major depression last year. In some ways I lost everything. I left my job which was one of the big causes. After that I got divorced after 12 years. I moved to a new city. I had gotten better. Sort of. I have been drinking a lot (not today - I started going to aa on Sunday). I tried to treat life as a big party and tell myself I am ok. I started dating someone who said she loved me and who I thought I loved. She told me on Saturday (after two months) that she had been seeing someone else as well. We were both drunk. I don't really remember it very clearly. The relationship probably was unhealthy and would have ended eventually but it still hurts so bad. She lives upstairs from me so even being home isn't completely safe. Everything is so hard and I can't help but obsess about it. Things are incredibly busy at work. I had to work until late last night. Come home get about three and a half hours sleep. Now I have to go back and work at least a twelve hour day. I can't not go as I would probably lose my job and then everything in my life will really have fallen apart. I feel like all of the people who I am close to are either sick of hearing me whine or have things in their life that make it impossible for me to ask them for help. When I start to feel trapped like this I start thinking that maybe suicide, or at least an attempt, is a viable option. I don't want to die and I don't want to feel this way anymore. Maybe if I can make it through today I can make a meeting tonight that will help me feel a little better. Maybe I can sleep more tonight. Maybe if I keep putting one foot in front of the other I will be able to get through it without hurting myself, or ruining my life. Maybe I can keep going and start feeling a little better day by day. But it all seems so hard right now. I am so alone. I need to know that someone is out there. I know I'm not part of the community of this board really, but I need to hear from someone - even people that I don't know - that someone cares. That it is worth continuing to fight. I will receive messages on my phone. Maybe a few kind thoughts will help me just a little bit. If anyone has even just a minute to offer some small encouragement I would really appreciate it.
  11. About 8 months ago I went through a pretty major depressive faze. A lot of it had to do with the job I held at the time, which I hated. I had a lot of trouble sleeping and would get up in the morning desparate to avoid things. I would cry pretty often and ultimately ended up quitting. I saw a therapist briefly and started taking a low dose of Lexapro (10 mg) which I am still taking (though I am not currently in therapy). As I started coming out of that a bit, my now ex-wife told me that she wanted to split. Our marriage had been wrong for a while and it was probably the right thing. The only real reason that she gave me was that she thought I had been depressed throughout our marriage and she couldn't deal with it anymore. I decided to move to a new city. Closer to my parents who had been very supportive and helpful throughout everything. I stayed with them for a couple of months and then moved out on my own about 45 minutes away. I did end up leaving my dog, who I love more than anything in the world with my parents as I didn't feel I could take care of him properly. Things worked out reasonably well and I was able to get a decent job and a place of my own. But I feel like I keep doing things that might destroy that and I am worried. Also, my Dad has been very ill for about the last month and a half. This past week was the first time that he recognized me and was able to talk a bit so that is somewhat encouraging. When I look at all of the things above I almost find it funny. All the bad things and turmoil I have had to deal with. It's almost like it is someone else's life. I have a lot of good days where I feel pretty good about life and excited about new possibilities. I also have a lot of periods where I feel lonely and I look for ways to deal with that. I have been drinking a lot as well as taking some pills (vicodin, percocet, dilauded). Not daily, but at least a few times a week (less often on the pills). I have been telling myself that it is all in fun and part of discovering my new life, but I am feeling more and more that it is becoming a problem. I have been considering going to an AA meeting a lot over the past week or so, but have not done so. In the interim, I have ended up getting drunk a couple of times. I end up feeling depressed, guilty, and generally bad about myself. I have been trying to create relationships to help me through and have had some success. But I feel like I have had a tendency to be way to open with people I don't know very well. A lot of them are my new co-workers. I sometimes feel like I have exposed too much about myself. I also worry that I am going to do or say something that is going to get me in trouble and possibly sabotage my job/life. As I look through this board, I realize that I don't have the serious, diagnosable problems that a lot of people have. I'm not even sure that I deserve to be considered by people with such real problems. Regardless, I know that I am looking for some support and felt like it couldn't hurt to put things out there a bit and hopefully hear some encouragement, advice, and maybe some perspective from some people who have gone through similar issues. I would appreciate anything anyone is willing to give. I think I just need to feel some sort of support from people who maybe understand and can talk to me without judging. Thanks.
  12. I have been taking 10mg of Lexapro daily for about 5 months. I can't remember if I took my pill today. Should I expect any negative effects if I end up not taking it for one day? I am paranoid as I have read lots of stuff on the internet about Lexapro withdrawl. Don't want to double-dose though as I imagine that could cause some issues as well. Thanks for any advice!
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